ericlustbader.the ninja-第67章

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　She　laughed。　'Well；　at　least　you　didn't　say　you　loved　me。'
　'I　might；'　he　said　seriously。　'I　don't　know　yet。'
　She　tossed　her　head。　'Oh；　e　off　it。　You　know　you　don't　have　to　say　those　things　to　me。　They're　meaningless。　You'll　get　what　you　want；　don't　you　know　that？'
　'I　don't　understand　you。'
　'I　told　you　before；'　she　said　patiently。　'I　don't　need　to　hear　those　things。　I　don't　need　that　illusion。　We　give　each　other　pleasure。　That's　enough　for　me。
　'Is　that　how　it　was　with　Saigo；　too？'　he　asked　harshly。　'I　meant　what　I　said。　I　do　care　about　you。　About　what　happens　to　you。　How　you　feel。　If　you're　happy　or　if　you're　sad。'
　She　stared　at　him　for　a　long　time　as　if　she　could　find　no　words　to　utter。　She　was　watching　him　carefully。　At　length　she　settled　back　onto　the　grass。
　'When　I　was　a　little　girl；'　she　said　in　a　small　voice；　'we'd　go　into　the　mountains　for　the　summer；　to　a　small　town　perched　high　up　on　the　sloping　wooded　side。　The　houses；　I　remember；　were　all　on　stilts。　It　was　the　first　time　I'd　seen　anything　like　that。　It　looked　like　a　town　out　of　a　storybook。
　'My　foster　parents　never　had　much　time　for　me　though　Satsugai　gave　them　enough　money　each　month。　They　never　wanted　children。　So　I　had　a　lot　of　time　to　myself。　I　remember　that　during　the　days　I'd　sit　in　the　tall　grass；　hearing　the　cicadas　in　my　ears　…　the　shrill　metallic　sound　of　the　locusts　late　in　the　summer　。。。'　She　breathed　deeply；　staring　up　at　the　nodding　foliage　of　the　cryptomeria。　'The　afternoons　seemed　endless。　I'd　sit　on　。the　mountainside；　overlooking　the　valley。　There　were　two　long　furrows　etched　into　the　foliage；　brown　and　sere；　mysteriously　bare；　as　if　some　giant　had　scored　the　land　in　anger。　I　used　to　spend　hours　wondering　who　had　made　those　cruel　marks。'
　'The　war；　perhaps；'　Nicholas　said。
　'Yes。　I　never　thought　of　that。'　She　turned　her　head　away　from　him。　'But　I'd　get　beaten　for　staying　away　so　long　even　though　I　knew　they　didn't　want　me　around。　There　was　never　any　passion。　Never　even　any　understanding。　I　was　like　an　alien　to　them；　some　freak；　a　miniature　adult。　It　seemed　as　if　they　had　never　been　children　themselves；　had　no　conception　of　what　it　was　like　to　be　a　child。'
　'Yukio；'　he　said　softly；　leaning　down　to　kiss　her　tenderly。
　When　they　broke　apart；　she　said；　'And　then　there　was　the　bamboo　grove。　It　was　somewhat　farther　down　the　mountainside。　I　discovered　it　quite　by　accident；　early　on；　when　I　was　？lost　one　afternoon。　I　used　to　creep　out　of　the　house　at　night；　the　darkness　stifled　me；　as　I　lay　in　bed；　sleepless。　It　became　solid；　a　crushing　weight　pressing　against　my　eyelids　until　I　had　to　get　out　of　there。
　'It　was　quite　near　a　stream　which　bubbled　constantly。　When　there　was　a　moon　it　looked　like　it　was　made　of　silver。　The　water　was　so　frigid；　it　numbed　your　mouth。
　'It　was　like　being　at　a　shrine；　standing　in　that　grove；　the　tall；　straight　bamboos　rising　like　columns　over　your　head。　Their　tops　sometimes　speared　the　huge　orange　harvest　moon　late　in　the　summer；　when　the　locusts　were　at　their　most　shrill。'　She　moved　against　him　as　if　making　herself　more　fortable。　He　felt　her　bare　flesh　against　his。　'It　was　the　only　place　I　could　call　my　own。　My　secret　place。　I　had　sex　there　for　the　first　time。'　He　felt　the　musculature　of　her　body　beginning　to　tremble　as　if　she　were　cold。　'I　brought　a　boy　there。　He　lived　on　a　near…by　farm。　It　was　his　first　time；　too；　I　think。　He'd　only　seen　the　cattle　do　it　and　he　wasn't　very　good。　He　was　so　nervous；　wanting　to　do　it　the　way　he'd　seen　the　horses　performing。　He　was　so　excited；　he　went　all　over　my　thigh。'
　'In　the　West；'　Nicholas　said；　'they　say；　〃I'm　ing。〃　Here；　we　say；　〃I'm　going。〃　There's　a　plete　reversal。'
　'With　death；　too；〃　she　whispered；　'I've　heard　it　said。　Westerners　don't　understand　seppuku；　do　they？　They'll　turn　outwards；　instead　of　inwards；　jump　off　a　building　…'
　'Or　blow　some　poor　bastard's　head　off　before　they　turn　the　gun　on　themselves。〃
　'Odd；　isn't　it？'　She　giggled。　'Perhaps　they're　barbarians；　after　all。'　But　she　shivered　none　the　less。
　'Don't　let's　talk　of　death；'　he　said；　holding　her。
　'No；'　she　whispered。　'We　won't。'　She　reached　between　his　thighs；　caught　gently　hold　of　him；　stroking。
　'Is　that　all　you　can　think　of？'　he　said　thickly。
　'It's　all　I　have；'　she　said　in　a　moan。
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　Fourth　Ring
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　'No；　no；　no；　no　I'　she　said；　laughing。　'Let's　forget　all　about　it。'
　She　ran　at　him　instead　of　away　from　him　as　she　had　been　doing。　She　leaped　in　a　shallow　dive；　skidding　across　the　top　of　a　sand　dune；　wrapped　her　arms　about　his　ankles；　bringing　him　down。
　Justine　laughed　again；　half　atop　him。　Nicholas　spat　sand　out　of　his　mouth；　rolled　over　on　his　back。
　'Very　funny！〃
　She　jumped　on　him；　on　all　fours；　and　they　spun　about　on　the　dark　sand。　A　cool　breeze　came　in　off　the　sea；　ruffling　their　hair。　The　porch　lights　from　the　house　were　diffused　by　the　ground　mist；　haloed；　forting。
　Her　face　was　very　close　to　his；　her　eyes　wide。　He　could　see　the　red　motes　as　they　caught　the　light。　Her　long　hair　was　like　a　bridge　between　them。　Her　long　delicate　fingers　were　on　his　cheeks。　They　had　the　firmness；　the　lightness　of　touch　of　a　sculptor's　hands。　'I　don't　want　to　be　sad；　Nicholas；'　she　said　softly。
　He　kissed　her　lightly。
　'I'm　here。'
　'I　know　you　are。'
　'It's　a　big　thing　for　me　to　say。　And　mean。'　She　was　totally　serious　now；　the　playful　mood　had　slipped　away。　'I　had　a　lot　of　time　to　think　about　。。。　things。'
　'You　mean　in　bed。'
　She　shook　her　head。　'No。　In　the　water。　It　wasn't　my　life　that　flashed　before　me。'　She　laughed　but　it　was　a　rueful　sound。　'There　was　one　time　when　I　didn't　think　I　was　going　to　e　back　up。　I　had　been　fantasizing　about　you　while　I　was　swimming。　You　know；　a　harmless　kind　of　thing。'　Her　eyes　were　almost　out　of　focus；　she　was　so　close　to　him。　'That's　not　what　I　thought　about　when　I　was　under。　I　thought　about　what　it　would　be　like　never　to　see　you　again。'　Her　voice　was
　so　soft　now　that；　despite　her　nearness；　he　could　barely　make　out　what　she　was　saying。　She　swallowed　hard　as　if　the　words　were　sticking　in　her　throat。　'I'm　frightened。　Frightened　of　what　I'm　telling　you。　It's　one　thing　to　admit　to　the　feeling；　quite　another　to　voice　it；　you　know？'　She　gave　him　a　long；　hard　stare。　'I　love　you；〃　she　said。　'I　can't　think　of　anything　else　when　I'm　near　you。　I　usually　like　to　go　certain　places；　be　with　specific　people；　but　I　don't　care　about　any　of　that　when　I'm　with　you。　I　know　that　sounds　juvenile　and　romantic　but　…'
　He　laughed。　'Romantic；　yes。　Juvenile；　no。　And　anyway；　what's　so　terrible　about　being　a　romantic？　I　am。　Maybe　there　aren't　many　of　us　left；　though。'
　Her　eyes　were　clear　and　searching。〃'Do　you　love　me；　Nick？　I　want　you　to　be　honest。　It's　all　right　if　you　don't。　I　just　need　to　know　the　truth。'
　He　did　not　know　what　to　say。　His　mind　was　alight　with　memories　both　pleasurable　and　painful　and　he　knew　then　that　Yukio　was　still　not　gone　from　him。　He　felt　like　a　salmon　struggling　upstream；　fiercely　fighting　the　current。　But　he　was　no　fish　and　he　wondered　why　he　was　doing　it。　What　was　he　fighting；　anyway？　And　what　made　it　so　important？
　He　felt　that　he　had　the　answers　to　those　questions　inside　him　if　only　he　could　pin　them　down。　He　still　stung　from　the　jibe　Croaker　had　given　him　in　the　restaurant　and　he　was　angry　at　himself　that　it　had　affected　him　so。　What　if　Croaker　had　been　right？　How　deeply　had　he　been　affected　by　Terry's　and　Ei's　deaths？　Surely　he　felt　something。　He　must。　He　was　no　machine。　But　he　could　summon　no　tears。　Perhaps　there　were　other　ways　to　grieve；　he　knew　he　was　like　his　mother　in　that　respect。　He　was　far　too　controlled　to　allow　certain　emotions　to　surface。　But　with　that　he　was　denying　a　part　of　himself　and　that　could　prove　to　be　disastrous。　Without　full　understanding　of　himself；　he　could　control　no　situation。　He　could　be　champion　of　nothing；　not　the　light；　nor　the　dark　that　thought　made　him　jump　as　if　someone　had　pricked　him。　An　idea　rippled　like　a　banner　at　the　edge　of　his　consciousness。。。
　'What　are　you　thinking？'
　His　eyes　focused　to　see　her。　There　was　concern　on　her　face。　'You　shouldn't　make　sacrifices；'　he　said。　'Not　for