lmb.shardsofhonor-第11章

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　〃I　have　an　aversion　to　stunners；　in　that　sort　of　situation；〃　he　said　slowly。　〃Nobody　hesitates　to　rush　one；　and　if　there　are　enough　of　them　they　can　always　get　it　away　from　you　in　the　end。　I've　seen　men　killed；　relying　on　stunners；　who　could　have　walked　right　through　with　a　disruptor　or　plasma　arc。　A　disruptor　has　real　authority。〃
　〃On　the　other　hand；　nobody　hesitates　to　fire　a　stunner；〃　said　Cordelia　suggestively。　〃And　it　gives　you　a　margin　for　error。〃
　〃What；　would　you　hesitate　to　fire　a　disruptor？〃
　〃Yes。　I　might　as　well　not　have　it　at　all。〃
　〃Ah。〃
　Curiosity　prodded　her；　mulling　on　his　words。　〃How　in　the　world　did　they　kill　him　with　a　stunner；　the　man　you　saw？〃
　〃They　didn't　kill　him　with　the　stunner。　After　they　took　it　away　from　him　they　kicked　him　to　death。〃
　〃Oh。〃　Cordelia's　stomach　tightened。　〃Not…not　a　friend　of　yours；　I　hope。〃
　〃As　it　happens；　he　was。　He　shared　something　of　your　attitude　toward　weaponry。　Soft。〃　He　frowned　into　the　distance。
　They　struggled　up；　and　trudged　on　through　the　woods。　The　Barrayaran　tried　to　help　her　more　with　Dubauer；　for　a　time。　But　Dubauer　recoiled　from　him；　and　between　the　ensign's　resistance　and　his　own　bad　leg；　the　awkward　attempt　failed。
　Vorkosigan　withdrew　into　himself；　and　became　less　talkative；　after　that。　All　his　concentration　seemed　focused　on　pushing　himself　ahead　just　one　more　step；　but　he　muttered　to　himself　alarmingly。　Cordelia　had　a　nasty　vision　of　collapse　and　fevered　delirium；　and　no　faith　at　all　in　her　ability　to　take　over　his　role　of　identifying　and　contacting　a　loyal　member　of　his　crew。　It　was　plain　that　an　error　in　judgment　could　be　lethal；　and　while　she　could　not　say　that　all　Barrayarans　looked　alike　to　her；　she　was　forcibly　reminded　of　the　old　conundrum　that　starts；　〃All　Cretans　are　liars。〃
　Near　sunset；　threading　their　way　through　a　patch　of　denser　woods；　they　came　suddenly　on　a　little　glade　of　astonishing　beauty。　A　waterfall　foamed　down　over　a　bed　of　black　rocks　that　glistened　like　obsidian；　a　cascade　of　lace　alive　with　light。　The　grass　that　bordered　the　streambed　was　backlit　by　the　sun　in　a　translucent　gold　glow。　The　surrounding　trees；　tall；　dark　green；　and　shady；　set　it　like　a　gem。
　Vorkosigan　leaned　on　his　stick　and　gazed　at　it　a　while。　Cordelia　thought　she　had　never　seen　a　tireder　looking　human　being；　but　then；　she　had　no　mirror。
　〃We　have　about　fifteen　kilometers　to　go；〃　he　said。　〃I　don't　wish　to　approach　the　cache　in　the　dark。　We'll　stop　here　tonight；　rest；　and　take　it　in　the　morning。〃
　They　flopped　down　in　the　soft　grass　and　watched　the　glorious　flaming　sunset　in　silence；　like　an　old　married　couple　too　tired　to　get　up　and　turn　it　off。　At　last　the　failing　light　forced　them　into　action。　They　washed　hands　and　faces　in　the　stream；　and　Vorkosigan　shared　his　Barrayaran　field　rations　at　last。　Even　after　four　days　of　oatmeal　and　blue　cheese　dressing；　they　were　a　disappointment。
　〃Are　you　sure　this　isn't　instant　boots？〃　asked　Cordelia　sadly；　for　in　color；　taste；　and　smell　they　closely　resembled　pulverized　shoe　leather　pressed　into　wafers。
　Vorkosigan　grinned　sardonically。　〃They're　organic；　nutritious；　and　they'll　keep　for　years…in　fact；　they　probably　have。〃
　Cordelia　smiled　around　a　dry　and　chewy　mouthful。　She　hand…fed　Dubauer　his…he　was　inclined　to　spit　them　out…then　washed　and　settled　him　for　the　night。　He　had　had　no　seizures　this　day；　which　she　hoped　might　be　a　sign　of　partial　improvement　in　his　condition。
　The　earth　still　breathed　a　fortable　warmth　from　the　heat　of　the　day；　and　the　stream　purled　softly　in　the　stillness。　She　wished　she　could　sleep　for　a　hundred　years；　like　an　enchanted　princess。　Instead　she　rose　and　volunteered　for　the　first　watch。
　〃I　think　you'd　better　have　the　extra　sleep　tonight；〃　she　told　Vorkosigan。　〃I've　had　the　short　watch　two　nights　out　of　three。　It's　your　turn。〃
　〃There's　no　need…〃　he　began。
　〃If　you　don't　make　it；　I　don't　make　it；〃　she　pointed　out　bluntly。　〃And　neither　does　he。〃　She　jerked　her　thumb　at　the　quiescent　Dubauer。　〃I　intend　to　see　that　you　make　it　tomorrow。〃
　Vorkosigan　took　another　half　painkiller　and　lay　back　where　he　sat；　conceding　the　argument。　Still　he　remained　restless；　sleep　evading　him；　and　he　watched　her　through　the　dimness。　His　eyes　seemed　to　gleam　feverishly。　He　finally　propped　himself　up　on　one　elbow；　as　she　finished　a　patrol　around　the　edge　of　the　glade　and　sat　down　cross…legged　on　the　ground　beside　him。
　〃I。。。〃　he　began；　and　trailed　off。　〃You're　not　what　I　expected　a　female　officer　to　be。〃
　〃Oh？　Well；　you're　not　what　I　expected　a　Barrayaran　officer　to　be；　either；　so　I　guess　that　makes　two　of　us。〃　She　added　curiously；　〃What　did　you　expect？〃
　〃I'm…not　sure。　You're　as　professional　as　any　officer　I've　ever　served　with；　without　once　trying　to　be　an；　an　imitation　man。　It's　extraordinary。〃
　〃There's　nothing　extraordinary　about　me；〃　she　denied。
　〃Beta　Colony　must　be　a　very　unusual　place；　then。〃
　〃It's　just　home。　Nothing　special。　Lousy　climate。〃
　〃So　I've　heard。〃　He　picked　up　a　twig　and　dug　little　furrows　into　the　soil　with　it；　until　it　snapped。　〃They　don't　have　arranged　marriages　on　Beta　Colony；　do　they？〃
　She　stared。　〃Certainly　not！　What　a　bizarre　concept。　Sounds　almost　like　a　civil　rights　violation。　Heavens…you　don't　mean　to　say　they　do；　on　Barrayar？〃
　〃In　my　caste；　almost　always。〃
　〃Doesn't　anybody　object？〃
　〃They're　not　forced。　Arranged；　by　the　parents　usually。　It…seems　to　work。　For　many　people。〃
　〃Well；　I　suppose　it's　possible。〃
　〃How；　ah…how　do　you　arrange　yourselves？　With　no　go…betweens　it　must　be　very　awkward。　I　mean；　to　refuse　someone；　to　their　face。〃
　〃I　don't　know。　It's　something　lovers　work　out　after　they've　known　each　other　quite　a　time；　usually；　and　wish　to　apply　for　a　child　permit。　This　contractual　thing　you　describe　must　be　like　marrying　a　total　stranger。　Naturally　it　would　be　awkward。〃
　〃Hm。〃　He　found　another　twig。　〃In　the　Time　of　Isolation；　on　Barrayar；　for　a　man　to　take　a　woman　of　the　soldier　caste　for　a　lover　was　regarded　as　stealing　her　honor；　and　he　was　supposed　to　die　a　thief's　death　for　it。　A　custom　more　honored　in　the　breach；　I'm　sure；　although　it's　a　favorite　subject　for　drama。　Today　we　are　betwixt　and　between。　The　old　customs　are　dead；　and　we　keep　trying　on　new　ones；　like　badly　fitting　clothes。　It's　hard　to　know　what's　right；　anymore。〃　After　a　moment　he　added；　〃What　had　you　expected？〃
　〃From　a　Barrayaran？　I　don't　know。　Something　criminal；　I　suppose。　I　wasn't　too　crazy　about　being　taken　prisoner。〃
　His　eyes　fell。　〃I've…seen　what　you're　talking　about；　of　course。　I　can't　deny　it　exists。　It's　an　infection　of　the　imagination；　that　spreads　from　man　to　man。　It's　worst　when　it　goes　from　the　top　down。　Bad　for　discipline；　bad　for　morale。。。　I　hate　most　how　it　affects　the　younger　officers；　when　they　encounter　it　in　the　men　they　should　be　molding　themselves　on。　They　haven't　the　weight　of　experience；　to　fight　it　in　their　own　minds；　nor　distinguish　when　a　man　is　stealing　the　Emperor's　authority　to　cloak　his　own　appetites。　And　so　they　are　corrupted　almost　before　they　know　what's　happening。〃　His　voice　was　intense　in　the　darkness。
　〃I'd　actually　only　thought　about　it　from　the　prisoner's　point　of　view；　myself。　I　take　it　I　am　fortunate　in　my　choice　of　captors。〃
　〃They're　the　scum　of　the　service。　But　you　must　believe；　a　small　minority。　Although　I've　no　use　for　those　who　pretend　not　to　see；　either；　and　they　are　not　such　a　minority　as。。。　Make　no　mistake。　It's　not　an　easy　infection　to　fight　off。　But　you　have　nothing　to　fear　from　me。　I　promise　you。〃
　〃I'd…already　figured　that　out。〃
　They　sat　in　silence　for　a　time；　until　the　night　crept　up　out　of　the　low　places　to　drain　the　last　turquoise　from　the　sky；　and　the　waterfall　ran　pearly　in　the　starlight。　She　thought　he　had　fallen　asleep；　but　he　stirred；　and　spoke　again。　She　could　barely　see　his　face；　but　for　a　little　glint　from　the　whites　of　his　eyes；　and　his　teeth。
　〃Your　customs　seem　so　free；　and　calm；　to　me。　As　innocent　as　sunlight。　No　grief；　no　pain；　no　irrevocable　mistakes。　No　boys　turned　criminal　by　fear。　No　stupid　jealousy。　No　honor　ever　lost。〃
　〃That's　an　illusion。　You　can　still　lose　your　honor。　It　just　doesn't　happen　in　a　night。　It　can　take　years；　to　drain　away　in　bits　and　dribbles。