the notch on the ax and on being found out-第83章

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place　is　full　of　stupid　traditions　of　that　kind。〃　　Then；　looking
suspiciously　round　at　me；　〃Why　do　you　ask？〃

〃I　don't　know；　it　was　just　something　to　say；〃　I　answered
plaintively。　　His　strange　mood　so　worked　upon　my　nerves；　that　it
was　all　that　I　could　do　to　restrain　my　tears。　　I　think　that　my　tone
struck　his　conscience；　for　he　made　a　few　feverish　attempts　at
conversation　after　that。　　But　they　were　so　entirely　abortive　that
he　soon　abandoned　the　effort；　and　we　finished　our　walk　to　church　as
speechlessly　as　we　had　begun　it。

The　service　was　bright；　and　the　sermon　perhaps　a　little
commonplace；　but　sensible　as　it　seemed　to　me　in　matter；　and
adequate　in　style。　　The　peaceful　evening　hymn　which　followed；　the
short　solemn　pause　of　silent　prayer　at　the　end；　soothed　and
refreshed　my　spirit。　　A　hasty　glance　at　my　companion's　face　as　he
stood　waiting　for　me　in　the　porch；　with　the　full　light　from　the
church　streaming　round　him；　assured　me　that　the　same　influence　had
touched　him　too。　　Haggard　and　sad　he　still　looked；　it　is　true；　but
his　features　were　composed；　and　the　expression　of　actual　pain　had
left　his　eyes。

Silent　as　we　had　come　we　started　homeward　through　the　waning
moonlight；　but　this　silence　was　of　a　very　different　nature　to　the
other；　and　after　a　minute　or　two　I　did　not　hesitate　to　break　it。

〃It　was　a　good　sermon？〃　I　observed；　interrogatively。

〃Yes；〃　he　assented；　〃I　suppose　you　would　call　it　so；　but　I　confess
that　I　should　have　found　the　text　more　impressive　without　its
exposition。〃

〃Poor　man！〃

〃But　don't　you　often　find　it　so？〃　he　asked。　　〃Do　you　not　often
wish；　to　take　this　evening's　instance；　that　clergymen　would　infuse
themselves　with　something　of　St。　Paul's　own　spirit？　　Then　perhaps
they　would　not　water　all　the　strength　out　of　his　words　in　their
efforts　to　explain　them。〃

〃That　is　rather　a　large　demand　to　make　upon　them；　is　it　not？〃

〃Is　it？〃　he　questioned。　　〃I　don't　ask　them　to　be　inspired　saints。
I　don't　expect　St。　Paul's　breadth　and　depth　of　thought。　　But　could
they　not　have　something　of　his　vigorous　completeness；　something　of
the　intensity　of　his　feeling　and　belief？　　Look　at　the　text　of　to…
night。　　Did　not　the　preacher's　examples　and　applications　take
something　from　its　awful　unqualified　strength？〃

〃Awful！〃　I　exclaimed；　in　surprise；　〃that　is　hardly　the　expression　I
should　have　used　in　connection　with　those　words。〃

〃Why　not？〃

〃Oh；　I　don't　know。　　The　text　is　very　beautiful；　of　course；　and　at
times；　when　people　are　tiresome　and　one　ought　to　be　nice　to　them；
it　is　very　difficult　to　act　up　to。　　But〃

〃But　you　think　that　'awful'　is　rather　a　big　adjective　to　use　for　so
small　a　duty；〃　interposed　Alan；　and　the　moonlight　showed　the
flicker　of　a　smile　upon　his　face。　　Then　he　continued；　gravely；　〃I
doubt　whether　you　yourself　realize　the　full　import　of　the　words。
The　precept　of　charity　is　not　merely　a　code　of　rules　by　which　to
order　our　conduct　to　our　neighbors；　it　is　the　picture　of　a
spiritual　condition；　and　such；　where　it　exists　in　us；　must　by　its
very　nature　be　roused　into　activity　by　anything　that　affects　us。
So　with　this　particular　injunction；　every　circumstance　in　our　lives
is　a　challenge　to　it；　and　in　presence　of　all　alike　it　admits　of　one
attitude　only：　'Beareth　all　things；　endureth　all　things。'　　I　hope
it　will　be　long　before　that　'all'　sticks　in　your　gizzard；　Evie；
before　you　come　face　to　face　with　things　which　nature　cannot　bear；
and　yet　which　must　be　borne。〃

He　stopped；　his　voice　quivering；　and　then　after　a　pause　went　on
again　more　calmly；　〃And　throughout　it　is　the　same。　　Moral　precepts
everywhere；　which　will　admit　of　no　compromise；　no　limitation；　and
yet　which　are　at　war　with　our　strongest　passions。　　If　one　could
only　interpose　some　'unless；'　some　'except；'　even　an　'until；'　which
should　be　short　of　the　grave。　　But　we　cannot。　　The　law　is　infinite；
universal；　eternal；　there　is　no　escape；　no　repose。　　Resist；　strive；
endure；　that　is　the　recurring　cry；　that　is　existence。〃

〃And　peace；〃　I　exclaimed；　appealingly。　　〃Where　is　there　room　for
peace；　if　that　be　true？〃

He　sighed　for　answer；　and　then　in　a　changed　and　lower　tone　added；
〃However　thickly　the　clouds　mass；　however　vainly　we　search　for　a
coming　glimmer　in　their　midst；　we　never　doubt　that　the　sky　IS　still
beyondbeyond　and　around　us；　infinite　and　infinitely　restful。〃

He　raised　his　eyes　as　he　spoke；　and　mine　followed　his。　　We　had
entered　the　wooded　glen。　　Through　the　scanty　autumn　foliage　we
could　see　the　stars　shining　faintly　in　the　dim　moonlight；　and
beyond　them　the　deep　illimitable　blue。　　A　dark　world　it　looked；
distant　and　mysterious；　and　my　young　spirit　rebelled　at　the
consolation　offered　me。

〃Peace　seems　a　long　way　off；〃　I　whispered。

〃It　is　for　me；〃　he　answered；　gently；　〃not　necessarily　for　you。〃

〃Oh；　but　I　am　worse　and　weaker　than　you　are。　　If　life　is　to　be　all
warfare；　I　must　be　beaten。　　I　cannot　always　be　fighting。〃

〃Cannot　you？　　Evie；　what　I　have　been　saying　is　true　of　every　moral
law　worth　having；　of　every　ideal　of　life　worth　striving　after；　that
men　have　yet　conceived。　　But　it　is　only　half　the　truth　of
Christianity。　　You　know　that。　　We　must　strive；　for　the　promise　is
to　him　that　overcometh；　but　though　our　aim　be　even　higher　than　is
that　of　others；　we　cannot　in　the　end　fail　to　reach　it。　　The　victory
of　the　Cross　is　ours。　　You　know　that？　　You　believe　that？〃

〃Yes〃　I　answered；　softly；　too　surprised　to　say　more。　　In　speaking
of　religion　he；　as　a　rule；　showed　to　the　full　the　reserve　which　is
characteristic　of　his　class　and　country；　and　this　sudden　outburst
was　in　itself　astonishing；　but　the　eager　anxiety　with　which　he
emphasized　the　last　words　of　appeal　impressed　and　bewildered　me
still　further。　　We　walked　on　for　some　minutes　in　silence。　　Then
suddenly　Alan　stopped；　and　turning；　took　my　hand　in　his。　　In　what
direction　his　mind　had　been　working　in　the　interval　I　could　not
divine；　but　the　moment　he　began　to　speak　I　felt　that　he　was　now　for
the　first　time　giving　utterance　to　what　had　been　really　at　the
bottom　of　his　thoughts　the　whole　evening。　　Even　in　that　dim　light　I
could　see　the　anxious　look　upon　his　face；　and　his　voice　shook　with
restrained　emotion。

〃Evie；〃　he　said；　〃have　you　ever　thought　of　the　world　in　which　our
spirits　dwell；　as　our　bodies　do　in　this　one　of　matter　and　sense；
and　of　how　it　may　be　peopled？　　I　know；〃　he　went　on　hurriedly；　〃that
it　is　the　fashion　nowadays　to　laugh　at　such　ideas。　　I　envy　those
who　have　never　had　cause　to　be　convinced　of　their　reality；　and　I
hope　that　you　may　long　remain　among　the　number。　　But　should　that
not　be　so；　should　those　unseen　influences　ever　touch　your　life；　I
want　you　to　remember　then；　that；　as　one　of　the　race　for　whom　Christ
died；　you　have　as　high　a　citizenship　in　that　spirit　land　as　any
creature　there：　that　you　are　your　own　soul's　warden；　and　that
neither　principalities　nor　powers　can　rob　you　of　that　your
birthright。〃

I　think　my　face　must　have　shown　my　bewilderment；　for　he　dropped　my
hand；　and　walked　on　with　an　impatient　sigh。

〃You　don't　understand　me。　　Why　should　you？　　I　dare…say　that　I　am
talking　nonsenseonlyonly〃

His　voice　expressed　such　an　agony　of　doubt　and　hesitation　that　I
burst　out

〃I　think　that　I　do　understand　you　a　little；　Alan。　　You　mean　that
even　from　unearthly　enemies　there　is　nothing　that　we　need　really
fearat　least；　that　is；　I　suppose；　nothing　worse　than　death。　　But
that　is　surely　enough！〃

〃Why　should　you　fear　death？〃　he　said；　abruptly；　〃your　soul　will
live。〃

〃Yes；　I　know　that；　but　still〃　　I　stopped　with　a　shudder。

〃What　is　life　after　all　but　one　long　death？〃　he　went　on；　with
sudden　violence。　　〃Our　pleasures；　our　hopes；　our　youth　are　all
dying；　ambition　dies；　and　even　desire　at　last；　our　passions　and
tastes　will　die；　or　will　live　only　to　mourn　their　dead　opportunity。
The　happiness　of　love　dies　with　the　loss　of　the　loved；　and；　worst
of　all；　love　itself　grows　old　in　our　hearts　and　dies。　　Why　should
we　shrink　only　from　the　one　death　which　can　free　us　from　all　the
others？〃

〃It　is　not　true；　Alan！〃　I　cried；　hotly。　　〃What　you　say　is　not　true。
There　are　many　things　even　here　which　are　living　and　shall　live；
and　if　it　were　otherwise；　in　eve