5 midnigh+sun-第12章
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able to stand。
〃She stayed with me at first； but she missed him；〃 she explained slowly； her tone
growing more forlorn with each word。 〃It made her unhappy？so I decided it was time
to spend some quality time with Charlie。〃
The tiny pucker between her eyes deepened。
〃But now you're unhappy；〃 I murmured。 I couldn't seem to stop speaking my
hypotheses aloud； hoping to learn from her reactions。 This one； however； did not seem as
far off the mark。
〃And？〃 she said； as if this was not even an aspect to be considered。
I continued to stare into her eyes； feeling that I'd finally gotten my first real
glimpse into her soul。 I saw in that one word where she ranked herself among her own
priorities。 Unlike most humans； her own needs were far down the list。
She was selfless。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
44
As I saw this； the mystery of the person hiding inside this quiet mind began to
thin a little。
〃That doesn't seem fair；〃 I said。 I shrugged； trying to seem casual； trying to
conceal the intensity of my curiosity。
She laughed； but there was no amusement the sound。 〃Hasn't anyone ever told
you？ Life isn't fair。〃
I wanted to laugh at her words； though I； too； felt no real amusement。 I knew a
little something about the unfairness of life。 〃I believe I have heard that somewhere
before。〃
She stared back at me； seeming confused again。 Her eyes flickered away； and
then came back to mine。
〃So that's all；〃 she told me。
But I was not ready to let this conversation end。 The little V between her eyes； a
remnant of her sorrow； bothered me。 I wanted to smooth it away with my fingertip。 But；
of course； I could not touch her。 It was unsafe in so many ways。
〃You put on a good show。〃 I spoke slowly； still considering this next hypothesis。
〃But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see。〃
She made a face； her eyes narrowing and her mouth twisting into a lopsided pout；
and she looked back towards the front of the class。 She didn't like it when I guessed
right。 She wasn't the average martyr—she didn't want an audience to her pain。
〃Am I wrong？〃
She flinched slightly； but otherwise pretended not to hear me。
That made me smile。 〃I didn't think so。〃
〃Why does it matter to you？〃 she demanded； still staring away。
〃That's a very good question；〃 I admitted； more to myself than to answer her。
Her discernment was better than mine—she saw right to the core of things while I
floundered around the edges； sifting blindly through clues。 The details of her very human
life should not matter to me。 It was wrong for me to care what she thought。 Beyond
protecting my family from suspicion； human thoughts were not significant。
I was not used to being the less intuitive of any pairing。 I relied on my extra
hearing too much—I clearly was not as perceptive as I gave myself credit for。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
45
The girl sighed and glowered toward the front of the classroom。 Something about
her frustrated expression was humorous。 The whole situation； the whole conversation
was humorous。 No one had ever been in more danger from me than this little girl—at
any moment I might； distracted by my ridiculous absorption in the conversation； inhale
through my nose and attack her before I could stop myself—and she was irritated because
I hadn't answered her question。
〃Am I annoying you？〃 I asked； smiling at the absurdity of it all。
She glanced at me quickly； and then her eyes seemed to get trapped by my gaze。
〃Not exactly；〃 she told me。 〃I'm more annoyed at myself。 My face is so easy to
read—my mother always calls me her open book。〃
She frowned； disgruntled。
I stared at her in amazement。 The reason she was upset was because she thought I
saw through her too easily。 How bizarre。 I'd never expended so much effort to
understand someone in all my life—or rather existence； as life was hardly the right word。
I did not truly have a life。
〃On the contrary；〃 I disagreed； feeling strangely？wary； as if there were some
hidden danger here that I was failing to see。 I was suddenly on edge； the premonition
making me anxious。 〃I find you very difficult to read。〃
〃You must be a good reader then；〃 she guessed； making her own assumption that
was； again； right on target。
〃Usually；〃 I agreed。
I smiled at her widely then； letting my lips pull back to expose the rows of
gleaming； razor sharp teeth behind them。
It was a stupid thing to do； but I was abruptly； unexpectedly desperate to get some
kind of warning through to the girl。 Her body was closer to me than before； having
shifted unconsciously in the course of our conversation。 All the little markers and signs
that were sufficient to scare off the rest of humanity did not seem to be working on her。
Why did she not cringe away from me in terror？ Surely she had seen enough of my
darker side to realize the danger； intuitive as she seemed to be。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
46
I didn't get to see if my warning had the intended effect。 Mr。 Banner called for
the class's attention just then； and she turned away from me at once。 She seemed a little
relieved for the interruption； so maybe she understood unconsciously。
I hoped she did。
I recognized the fascination growing inside me； even as I tried to root it out。 I
could not afford to find Bella Swan interesting。 Or rather； she could not afford that。
Already； I was anxious for another chance to talk to her。 I wanted to know more about
her mother； her life before she came here； her relationship with her father。 All the
meaningless details that would flesh out her character further。 But every second I spent
with her was a mistake； a risk she shouldn't have to take。
Absentmindedly； she tossed her thick hair just at the moment that I allowed
myself another breath。 A particularly concentrated wave of her scent hit the back of my
throat。
It was like the first day—like the wrecking ball。 The pain of the burning dryness
made me dizzy。 I had to grasp the table again to keep myself in my seat。 This time I had
slightly more control。 I didn't break anything； at least。 The monster growled inside me；
but took no pleasure in my pain。 He was too tightly bound。 For the moment。
I stopped breathing altogether； and leaned as far from the girl as I could。
No； I could not afford to find her fascinating。 The more interesting I found her；
the more likely it was that I would kill her。 I'd already made two minor slips today。
Would I make a third； one that was not minor？
As soon as the bell sounded； I fled from the classroom—probably destroying
whatever impression of politeness I'd halfway constructed in the course of the hour。
Again； I gasped at the clean； wet air outside like it was a healing attar。 I hurried to put as
much distance between myself and the girl as was possible。
Emmett waited for me outside the door of our Spanish class。 He read my wild
expression for a moment。
How did it go？ he wondered warily。
〃Nobody died；〃 I mumbled。
I guess that's something。 When I saw Alice ditching there at the end； I thought？
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
47
As we walked into the classroom； I saw his memory from just a few moments
ago； seen through the open door of his last class： Alice walking briskly and blank…faced
across the grounds toward the science building。 I felt his remembered urge to get up and
join her； and then his decision to stay。 If Alice needed his help； she would ask？
I closed my eyes in horror and disgust as I slumped into my seat。 〃I hadn't
realized that it was that close。 I didn't think I was going to？I didn't see that it was that
bad；〃 I whispered。
It wasn't； he reassured me。 Nobody died； right？
〃Right；〃 I said through my teeth。 〃Not this time。〃
Maybe it will get easier。
〃Sure。〃
Or； maybe you kill her。 He shrugged。 You wouldn't be the first one to mess up。
No one would judge you too harshly。 Sometimes a person just smells too good。 I'm
impressed you've lasted this long。
〃Not helping； Emmett。〃
I was revolted by his acceptance of the idea that I would kill the girl； that this was
somehow inevitable
