5 midnigh+sun-第28章
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midnight for me。 So how was it possible that the sun was rising now； in the middle of my
midnight？
At the time that I had become a vampire； trading my soul and my mortality for
immortality in the searing pain of transformation； I had truly been frozen。 My body had
turned into something more like rock than flesh； enduring and unchanging。 My self； also；
had frozen as it was—my personality； my likes and my dislikes； my moods and my
desires； all were fixed in place。
It was the same for the rest of them。 We were all frozen。 Living stone。
When change came for one of us； it was a rare and permanent thing。 I had seen it
happen with Carlisle； and then a decade later with Rosalie。 Love had changed them in an
eternal way； a way that never faded。 More than eighty years had passed since Carlisle
had found Esme； and yet he still looked at her with the incredulous eyes of first love。 It
would always be that way for them。
It would always be that way for me； too。 I would always love this fragile human
girl； for the rest of my limitless existence。
I gazed at her unconscious face； feeling this love for her settle into every portion
of my stone body。
She slept more peacefully now； a slight smile on her lips。
Always watching her； I began to plot。
I loved her； and so I would try to be strong enough to leave her。 I knew I wasn't
that strong now。 I would work on that one。 But perhaps I was strong enough to
circumvent the future in another way。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
110
Alice had seen only two futures for Bella； and now I understood them both。
Loving her would not keep me from killing her； if I let myself make mistakes。
Yet I could not feel the monster now； could not find him anywhere in me。
Perhaps love had silenced him forever。 If I killed her now； it would not be intentional；
only a horrible accident。
I would have to be inordinately careful。 I would never； ever be able to let my
guard down。 I would have to control my every breath。 I would have to keep an always
cautious distance。
I would not make mistakes。
I finally understood that second future。 I'd been baffled by that vision—what
could possibly happen to result in Bella becoming a prisoner to this immortal half…life？
Now—devastated by longing for the girl—I could understand how I might； in
unforgivable selfishness； ask my father for that favor。 Ask him to take away her life and
her soul so that I could keep her forever。
She deserved better。
But I saw one more future； one thin wire that I might be able to walk； if I could
keep my balance。
Could I do it？ Be with her and leave her human？
Deliberately； I took a deep breath； and then another； letting her scent rip through
me like wildfire。 The room was thick with her perfume； her fragrance was layered on
every surface。 My head swam； but I fought the spinning。 I would have to get used to
this； if I were going to attempt any kind of relationship with her。 I took another deep；
burning breath。
I watched her sleeping until the sun rose behind the eastern clouds； plotting and
breathing。
I got home just after the others had left for school。 I changed quickly； avoiding Esme's
questioning eyes。 She saw the feverish light in my face； and she felt both worry and
relief。 My long melancholy had pained her； and she was glad it seemed to be over。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
111
I ran to school； arriving a few seconds after my siblings did。 They did not turn；
though Alice at least must have known that I stood here in the thick woods that bordered
the pavement。 I waited until no one was looking； and then I strolled casually from
between the trees into the lot full of parked cars。
I heard Bella's truck rumbling around the corner； and I paused behind a Suburban；
where I could watch without being seen。
She drove into the lot； glaring at my Volvo for a long moment before she parked
in one of the most distant spaces； a frown on her face。
It was strange to remember that she was probably still angry with me； and with
good reason。
I wanted to laugh at myself—or kick myself。 All my plotting and planning was
entirely moot if she didn't care for me； too； wasn't it？ Her dream could have been about
something completely random。 I was such an arrogant fool。
Well； it was so much the better for her if she didn't care for me。 That wouldn't
stop me from pursuing her； but I would give her fair warning as I pursued。 I owed her
that。
I walked silently forward； wondering how best to approach her。
She made it easy。 Her truck key slipped through her fingers as she got out； and
fell into a deep puddle。
She reached down； but I got to it first； retrieving it before she had to put her
fingers in the cold water。
I leaned back against her truck as she started and then straightened up。
〃How do you do that？〃 she demanded。
Yes； she was still angry。
I offered her the key。 〃Do what？〃
She held her hand out； and I dropped the key in her palm。 I took a deep breath；
pulling in her scent。
〃Appear out of thin air；〃 she clarified。
〃Bella； it's not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant。〃 The words were
wry； almost a joke。 Was there anything she didn't see？
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
112
Did she hear how my voice wrapped around her name like a caress？
She glared at me； not appreciating my humor。 Her heartbeat sped—from anger？
From fear？ After a moment； she looked down。
〃Why the traffic jam last night？〃 she asked without meeting my eyes。 〃I thought
you were supposed to be pretending I don't exist； not irritating me to death。〃
Still very angry。 It was going to take some effort to make things right with her。 I
remembered my resolve to be truthful with her？
〃That was for Tyler's sake； not mine。 I had to give him his chance。〃 And then I
laughed。 I couldn't help it； thinking of her expression yesterday。
〃You—〃 she gasped； and then broke off； appearing to be too furious to finish。
There it was—that same expression。 I choked back another laugh。 She was mad enough
already。
〃And I'm not pretending you don't exist；〃 I finished。 It was right to keep this
casual； teasing。 She would not understand if I let her see how I really felt。 I would
frighten her。 I had to keep my feelings in check； keep things light？
〃So you are trying to irritate me to death？ Since Tyler's van didn't do the job？〃
A quick flash of anger pulsed through me。 Could she honestly believe that？
It was irrational for me to be so affronted—she didn't know of the transformation
that had happened in the night。 But I was angry all the same。
〃Bella； you are utterly absurd；〃 I snapped。
Her face flushed； and she turned her back on me。 She began to walk away。
Remorse。 I had no right to my anger。
〃Wait；〃 I pleaded。
She did not stop； so I followed after her。
〃I'm sorry； that was rude。 I'm not saying it isn't true〃 —it was absurd to imagine
that I wanted her harmed in any way— 〃but it was rude to say it； anyway。〃
〃Why won't you leave me alone？〃
Believe me； I wanted to say。 I've tried。
Oh； and also； I'm wretchedly in love with you。
Keep it light。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
113
〃I wanted to ask you something； but you sidetracked me。〃 A course of action had
just occurred to me； and I laughed。
〃Do you have a multiple personality disorder？〃 she asked。
It must seem that way。 My mood was erratic； so many new emotions coursing
through me。
〃You're doing it again；〃 I pointed out。
She sighed。 〃Fine then。 What do you want to ask？〃
〃I was wondering if； a week from Saturday？〃 I watched the shock cross her face；
and choked back another laugh。 〃You know； the day of the spring dance—〃
She cut me off； finally returning her eyes to mine。 〃Are you trying to be funny？〃
Yes。 〃Will you let me finish？〃
She waited in silence； her teeth pressing into her soft lower lip。
That sight distracted me for a second。 Strange； unfamiliar reactions stirred deep
in my forgotten human core。 I tried to shake them off so I could play my role。
〃I heard you say that you were going to Seattle that day； and I was wondering if
you wanted a ride？〃 I offered。 I'd rea
