5 midnigh+sun-第54章
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I frowned to myself。 What Bella wanted and what was best for Bella were two
very separate things。
I started to feel uneasy as I parked my car in Bella's driveway。 The human adage
said that things looked different in the morning—that things changed when you slept on
them。 Would I look different to Bella in the weak light of a foggy day？ More sinister or
less sinister than I had in the blackness of night？ Had the truth sunk in while she slept？
Would she finally be afraid？
Her dreams had been peaceful； though； last night。 When she'd spoken my name；
time and time again； she'd smiled。 More than once she'd murmured a plea for me to stay。
Would that mean nothing today？
I waited nervously； listening to the sounds of her inside the house—the fast；
stumbling footsteps on the stairs； the sharp rip of a foil wrapper； the contents of the
refrigerator crashing against each other when the door slammed。 It sounded like she was
in a hurry。 Anxious to get to school？ The thought made me smile； hopeful again。
I looked at the clock。 I supposed that—taking in account the velocity her decrepit
truck must limit her to—she was running a little late。
Bella rushed out of the house； her book bag sliding off her shoulder； her hair
coiled into a messy twist that was already coming apart on the nape of her neck。 The
thick green sweater she wore was not enough to keep her thin shoulders from hunching
against the cold fog。
The long sweater was too big for her； unflattering。 It masked her slender figure；
turning all her delicate curves and soft lines into a shapeless jumble。 I appreciated this
almost as much as I wished that she had worn something more like the soft blue blouse
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she'd worn last night？the fabric had clung to her skin in such an appealing way； cut low
enough to reveal the mesmerizing way her collar bones curled away from the hollow
beneath her throat。 The blue had flowed like water along the subtle shape of her body？
It was better—essential—that I kept my thoughts far； far away from that shape； so
I was grateful to the unbecoming sweater she wore。 I couldn't afford to make mistakes；
and it would be a monumental mistake to dwell on the strange hungers that thoughts of
her lips？her skin？her body？were shaking loose inside of me。 Hungers that had
evaded me for a hundred years。 But I could not allow myself to think of touching her；
because that was impossible。
I would break her。
Bella turned away from the door； in such a hurry that she nearly ran right by my
car without noticing it。
Then she skidded to a stop； her knees locking like a startled colt's。 Her bag slid
further down her arm； and her eyes flew wide as they focused on the car。
I got out； taking no care to move at human speed； and opened the passenger door
for her。 I would not try to deceive her anymore—when we were alone； at least； I would
be myself。
She looked up at me； startled again as I seemingly materialized out of the fog。
And then the surprise in her eyes changed to something else； and I was no longer afraid—
or hopeful—that her feelings for me had changed in the course of the night。 Warmth；
wonder； fascination； all swimming in the melted chocolate of her eyes。
〃Do you want to ride with me today？〃 I asked。 Unlike dinner last night； I would
let her choose。 From now on； it must always be her choice。
〃Yes； thank you；〃 she murmured； climbing into my car without hesitation。
Would it ever cease to thrill me； that I was the one she was saying yes to？ I
doubted it。
I flashed around the car； eager to join her。 She showed no sign of being shocked
by my sudden reappearance。
The happiness I felt when she sat beside me this way had no precedent。 As much
as I enjoyed the love and companionship of my family； despite the various entertainments
and distractions the world had to offer； I had never been happy like this。 Even knowing
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that it was wrong； that this couldn't possibly end well； could not keep the smile from my
face for long。
My jacket was folded over the headrest of her seat。 I saw her eyeing it。
〃I brought the jacket for you；〃 I told her。 This was my excuse； had I needed to
provide one； for showing up uninvited this morning。 It was cold。 She had no jacket。
Surely this was an acceptable form of chivalry。 〃I didn't want you to get sick or
something。〃
〃I'm not quite that delicate；〃 she said； staring at my chest rather than my face； as
if she were hesitant to meet my eyes。 But she put the coat on before I had to resort to
commanding or coaxing。
〃Aren't you？〃 I muttered to myself。
She stared out at the road as I accelerated toward the school。 I could only stand
the silence for a few seconds。 I had to know what her thoughts were this morning。 So
much had changed between us since the last time the sun was up。
〃What； no twenty questions today？〃 I asked； keeping it light again。
She smiled； seeming glad that I'd broached the subject。 〃Do my questions bother
you？〃
〃Not as much as your reactions do；〃 I told her honestly； smiling in response to her
smile。
Her mouth turned down。 〃Do I react badly？〃
〃No； that's the problem。 You take everything so coolly—it's unnatural。〃 Not one
scream so far。 How could that be？ 〃It makes me wonder what you're really thinking。〃
Of course； everything she did or didn't do made me wonder that。
〃I always tell you what I'm really thinking。〃
〃You edit。〃
Her teeth pressed into her lip again。 She didn't seem to notice when she did
this—it was an unconscious response to tension。 〃Not very much。〃
Just those words were enough to have my curiosity raging。 What did she
purposefully keep from me？
〃Enough to drive me insane；〃 I said。
She hesitated； and then whispered； 〃You don't want to hear it。〃
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I had to think for a moment； run through our entire conversation last night； word
for word； before I made the connection。 Perhaps it took so much concentration because I
couldn't imagine anything that I wouldn't want her to say to me。 And then—because the
tone of her voice was the same as last night； there was suddenly pain there again—I
remembered。 Once； I had asked her not to speak her thoughts。 Never say that； I'd all but
snarled at her。 I had made her cry？
Was this what she kept from me？ The depth of her feelings about me？ That my
being a monster didn't matter to her； and that she thought it was too late for her to change
her mind？
I was unable to speak； because the joy and pain were too strong for words； the
conflict between them too wild to allow for a coherent response。 It was silent in the car
except for the steady rhythms of her heart and lungs。
〃Where's the rest of your family？〃 she asked suddenly。
I took a deep breath—registering the scent in the car with true pain for the first
time； I was getting used to this； I realized with satisfaction—and forced myself to be
casual again。
〃They took Rosalie's car。〃 I parked in the open spot next to the car in question。 I
hid my smile as I watched her eyes widen。 〃Ostentatious； isn't it？〃
〃Um； wow。 If she has that； why does she ride with you？〃
Rosalie would have enjoyed Bella's reaction？if she were being objective about
Bella； which probably wouldn't happen。
〃Like I said； it's ostentatious。 We try to blend in。〃
〃You don't succeed；〃 she told me； and then she laughed a carefree laugh。
The blithe； wholly untroubled sound of her laughter warmed my hollow chest
even as it made my head swim with doubt。
〃So why did Rosalie drive today if it's more conspicuous？〃 she wondered。
〃Hadn't you noticed？ I'm breaking all the rules now。〃
My answer should have been mildly frightening—so； of course； Bella smiled at it。
She didn't wait for me to open her door； just like last night。 I had to feign
normality here at school—so I couldn't move fast enough to prevent this—but she was
just going to have to get used to being treated with more courtesy； and get used to it soon。
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I walked as close to her as I dared； watching carefully for a
