the ninth vibration-第16章

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〃Leaving？〃　My　heart　gave　a　leap。　〃Why？　Where？〃

〃Leaving　Lady　Meryon。〃

〃Why　…　for　Heaven's　sake？〃

〃I　had　rather　not　tell　you。〃

〃But　I　must　know。〃

〃You　cannot。〃

〃I　shall　ask　Lady　Meryon。〃

〃I　forbid　you。〃

And　then　the　unexpected　happened；　and　an　unbearable　impulse　swept　me　into　folly　…　or　was　it　wisdom？

〃Listen　to　me。　I　would　not　have　said　it　yet；　but　this　settles　it。　I　want　you　to　marry　me。　I　want　it　atrociously！〃

It　was　a　strange　word。　What　I　felt　for　her　at　that　moment　was　difficult　to　describe。　I　endured　it　like　a　pain　that　could　only　be　assuaged　by　her　presence；　but　I　endured　it　angrily。　We　were　walking　on　the　sunset　road　…　very　deserted　and　quiet　at　the　time。　The　place　was　propitious　if　nothing　else　was。

She　looked　at　me　in　transparent　astonishment；

〃Mr。　Clifden；　are　you　dreaming？　You　can't　mean　what　you　say。〃

〃Why　can't　I？　I　do。　I　want　you。　You　have　the　key　of　all　I　care　for。　I　think　of　the　world　without　you　and　find　it　tasteless。〃

〃Surely　you　have　all　the　world　can　give？　What　do　you　want　more？〃

〃The　power　to　enjoy　it　…　to　understand　it。　You　have　got　that　…　I　haven't。　I　want　you　always　with　me　to　interpret；　like　a　guide　to　a　blind　fellow。　I　am　no　better。〃

〃Say　like　a　dog；　at　once！〃　she　interrupted。　〃At　least　you　are　frank　enough　to　put　it　on　that　ground。　You　have　not　said　you　love　me。　You　could　not　say　it。〃

〃I　don't　know　whether　I　do　or　not。　I　know　nothing　about　love。　I　want　you。　Indescribably。　Perhaps　that　is　love　…　is　it？　I　never　wanted　any　one　before。　I　have　tried　to　get　away　and　I　can't。〃

I　was　brutally　frank；　you　see。　She　compelled　my　very　thoughts。

〃Why　have　you　tried？〃

〃Because　every　man　likes　freedom。　But　I　like　you　better。〃　〃I　can　tell　you　the　reason；〃　she　said　in　her　gentle　unwavering　voice。　〃I　am　Lady　Meryon's　governess；　and　an　undesirable。　You　have　felt　that？〃

〃Don't　make　me　out　such　a　snob。　No　…　yes。　You　force　me　into　honesty。　I　did　feel　it　at　first　like　the　miserable　fool　I　am；　but　I　could　kick　myself　when　I　think　of　that　now。　It　is　utterly　forgotten。　Take　me　and　make　me　what　you　will；　and　forgive　me。　Only　tell　me　your　secret　of　joy。　How　is　it　you　understand　everything　alive　or　dead？　I　want　to　live　…　to　see；　to　know。〃

It　was　a　rhapsody　like　a　boy's。　Yet　at　the　moment　I　was　not　even　ashamed　of　it；　so　sharp　was　my　need。

〃I　think；〃　she　said；　slowly；　looking　straight　before　her；　〃that　I　had　better　be　quite　frank。　I　don't　love　you。　I　don't　know　what　love　means　in　the　Western　sense。　It　has　a　very　different　meaning　for　me。　Your　voice　comes　to　me　from　an　immense　distance　when　you　speak　in　that　way。　You　want　me　…　but　never　with　a　thought　of　what　I　might　want。　Is　that　love？　I　like　you　very　deeply　as　a　friend；　but　we　are　of　different　races。　There　is　a　gulf。〃

〃A　gulf？　You　are　English。〃

〃By　birth；　yes。　In　mind；　no。　And　there　are　things　that　go　deeper；　that　you　could　not　understand。　So　I　refuse　quite　definitely；　and　our　ways　part　here；　for　in　a　few　days　I　go。　I　shall　not　see　you　again；　but　I　wish　to　say　good…bye。〃

The　bitterest　chagrin　was　working　in　my　soul。　I　felt　as　if　all　were　deserting　me…a　sickening　feeling　of　loneliness。　I　did　not　know　the　man　who　was　in　me；　and　was　a　stranger　to　myself。

〃I　entreat　you　to　tell　me　why；　and　where。〃

〃Since　you　have　made　me　this　offer；　I　will　tell　you　why。　Lady　Meryon　objected　to　my　friendship　with　you；　and　objected　in　a　way　which…〃

She　stopped；　flushing　palely。　I　caught　her　hand。

〃That　settles　it！…that　she　should　have　dared！　I'll　go　up　this　minute　and　tell　her　we　are　engaged。　Vanna…Vanna　！〃

For　she　disengaged　her　hand；　quietly　but　firmly。

〃On　no　account。　How　can　I　make　it　more　plain　to　you？　I　should　have　gone　soon　in　any　case。　My　place　is　in　the　native　city　…　that　is　the　life　I　want。　I　have　work　there；　I　knew　it　before　I　came　out。　My　sympathies　are　all　with　them。　They　know　what　life　is　…　why　even　the　beggars；　poorer　than　poor；　are　perfectly　happy；　basking　in　the　great　generous　sun。　Oh；　the　splendour　and　riot　of　life　and　colour！　That's　my　life　…　I　sicken　of　this。〃

〃But　I'll　give　it　to　you。　Marry　me；　and　we　will　travel　till　you're　tired　of　it。〃

〃Yes；　and　look　on　as　at　a　play　…　sitting　in　the　stalls；　and　applauding　when　we　are　pleased。　No；　I'm　going　to　work　there。〃　〃For　God's　sake；　how？　Let　me　come　too。〃

〃You　can't。　You're　not　in　it。　I　am　going　to　attach　myself　to　the　medical　mission　at　Lahore　and　learn　nursing；　and　then　I　shall　go　to　my　own　people。〃

〃Missionaries？　You've　nothing　in　common　with　them？〃

〃Nothing。　But　they　teach　what　I　want。　Mr。　Clifden；　I　shall　not　come　this　way　again。　If　I　remember　…　I'll　write　to　you；　and　tell　you　what　the　real　world　is　like。〃

She　smiled；　the　absorbed　little　smile　I　knew　and　feared。　I　saw　pleading　was　useless　then。　I　would　wait；　and　never　lose　sight　of　her　and　of　hope。

〃Vanna；　before　you　go；　give　me　your　gift　of　sight。　Interpret　for　me。　Stay　with　me　a　little　and　make　me　see。〃

〃What　do　you　mean　exactly？〃　she　asked　in　her　gentlest　voice；　half　turning　to　me。

〃Make　one　journey　with　me；　as　my　sister；　if　you　will　do　no　more。　Though　I　warn　you　that　all　the　time　I　shall　be　trying　to　win　my　wife。　But　come　with　me　once；　and　after　that　…　if　you　will　go；　you　must。　Say　yes。〃

Madness！　But　she　hesitated　…　a　hesitation　full　of　hope；　and　looked　at　me　with　intent　eyes。

〃I　will　tell　you　frankly；〃　she　said　at　last；　〃that　I　know　my　knowledge　of　the　East　and　kinship　with　it　goes　far　beyond　mere　words。　In　my　case　the　doors　were　not　shut。　I　believe　…　I　know　that　long　ago　this　was　my　life。　If　I　spoke　for　ever　I　could　not　make　you　understand　how　much　I　know　and　why。　So　I　shall　quite　certainly　go　back　to　it。　Nothing　…　you　least　of　all；　can　hold　me。　But　you　are　my　friend　…　that　is　a　true　bond。　And　if　you　would　wish　me　to　give　you　two　months　before　I　go；　I　might　do　that　if　it　would　in　any　way　help　you。　As　your　friend　only　…　you　clearly　understand。　You　would　not　reproach　me　afterwards　when　I　left　you；　as　I　should　most　certainly　do？〃

〃I　swear　I　would　not。　I　swear　I　would　protect　you　even　from　myself。　I　want　you　for　ever；　but　if　you　will　only　give　me　two　months　…　come！　But　have　you　thought　that　people　will　talk。　It　may　injure　you。

I'm　not　worth　that；　God　knows。　And　you　will　take　nothing　I　could　give　you　in　return。〃

She　spoke　very　quietly。

〃That　does　not　trouble　me。　…　It　would　only　trouble　me　if　you　asked　what　I　have　not　to　give。　For　two　months　I　would　travel　with　you　as　a　friend；　if；　like　a　friend；　I　paid　my　own　expenses…〃

I　would　have　interrupted；　but　she　brushed　that　firmly　aside。　〃No；　I　must　do　as　I　say；　and　I　am　quite　able　to　or　I　should　not　suggest　it。　I　would　go　on　no　other　terms。　It　would　be　hard　if　because　we　are　man　and　woman　I　might　not　do　one　act　of　friendship　for　you　before　we　part。　For　though　I　refuse　your　offer　utterly；　I　appreciate　it；　and　I　would　make　what　little　return　I　can。　It　would　be　a　sharp　pain　to　me　to　distress　you。〃

Her　gentleness　and　calm；　the　magnitude　of　the　offer　she　was　making　stunned　me　so　that　I　could　scarcely　speak。　There　was　such　an　extraordinary　simplicity　and　generosity　in　her　manner　that　it　appeared　to　me　more　enthralling　and　bewildering　than　the　most　finished　coquetry　I　had　ever　known。　She　gave　me　opportunities　that　the　most　ardent　lover　could　in　his　wildest　dream　desire；　and　with　the　remoteness　in　her　eyes　and　her　still　voice　she　deprived　them　of　all　hope。　It　kindled　in　me　a　flame　that　made　my　throat　dry　when　I　tried　to　speak。

〃Vanna；　is　it　a　promise？　You　mean　it？〃

〃If　you　wish　it；　yes。　But　I　warn　you　I　think　it　will　not　make　it　easier　for　you　when　the　time　is　over。

〃Why　two　months？〃

〃Partly　because　I　can　afford　no　more。　No！　I　know　what　you　would　say。　Partly　because　I　can　spare　no　more　time。　But　I　will　give　you　that；　if　you　wish；　though；　honestly；　I　had　very　much　rather　not。　I　think　it　unwise　for　you。　I　would　protect　you　if　I　could　…　indeed　I　would！〃

It　was　my　turn　to　hesitate　now。　Every　moment　revealed　to　me　some　new　sweetness；　some　charm　that　I　saw　would　weave　itself　into　the　very　fibre　of　my　I　had　been！　Was　I　not　now　a　fool？　Would　it　not　being　if　the　opportunity　were　given。　Oh；　fool　that　be　better　to　let　her　go　before　she　had　become　a　part　of　my　daily　experience？　I　began　to　fear　I　was　courtin