stage-land[1].(舞台)-第7章
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STAGE…LAND。
aged heroes。
The experienced observer of stage…land never jumps to conclusions
from what he sees。 He waits till he is told things。
The stage lawyer never has any office of his own。 He transacts all his
business at his clients' houses。 He will travel hundreds of miles to tell
them the most trivial piece of legal information。
It never occurs to him how much simpler it would be to write a letter。
The item for 〃traveling expenses〃 in his bill of costs must be something
enormous。
There are two moments in the course of his client's career that the
stage lawyer particularly enjoys。 The first is when the client comes
unexpectedly into a fortune； the second when he unexpectedly loses it。
In the former case； upon learning the good news the stage lawyer at
once leaves his business and hurries off to the other end of the kingdom to
bear the glad tidings。 He arrives at the humble domicile of the
beneficiary in question； sends up his card； and is ushered into the front
parlor。 He enters mysteriously and sits leftclient sits right。 An
ordinary； common lawyer would come to the point at once； state the matter
in a plain； business…like way； and trust that he might have the pleasure of
representing； etc。； etc。； but such simple methods are not those of the stage
lawyer。 He looks at the client and says：
〃You had a father。〃
The client starts。 How on earth did this calm； thin； keen…eyed old
man in black know that he had a father？ He shuffles and stammers； but
the quiet； impenetrable lawyer fixes his cold； glassy eye on him； and he is
helpless。 Subterfuge； he feels； is useless； and amazed； bewildered at the
knowledge of his most private affairs possessed by his strange visitant； he
admits the fact： he had a father。
The lawyer smiles with a quiet smile of triumph and scratches his chin。
〃You had a mother； too； if I am informed correctly；〃 he continues。
It is idle attempting to escape this man's supernatural acuteness； and
the client owns up to having had a mother also。
From this the lawyer goes on to communicate to the client； as a great
secret； the whole of his （the client's） history from his cradle upward； and
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STAGE…LAND。
also the history of his nearer relatives； and in less than half an hour from
the old man's entrance； or say forty minutes at the outside； the client
almost knows what the business is about。
On the other occasion； when the client has lost his fortune； the stage
lawyer is even still happier。 He comes down himself to tell the
misfortune （he would not miss the job for worlds）； and he takes care to
choose the most unpropitious moment possible for breaking the news。 On
the eldest daughter's birthday； when there is a big party on； is his favorite
time。 He comes in about midnight and tells them just as they are going
down to supper。
He has no idea of business hours； has the stage lawyerto make the
thing as unpleasant as possible seems to be his only anxiety。
If he cannot work it for a birthday； then he waits till there's a wedding
on； and gets up early in the morning on purpose to run down and spoil the
show。 To enter among a crowd of happy； joyous fellow…creatures and
leave them utterly crushed and miserable is the stage lawyer's hobby。
The stage lawyer is a very talkative gentleman。 He regards the telling
of his client's most private affairs to every stranger that he meets as part of
his professional duties。 A good gossip with a few chance acquaintances
about the family secrets of his employers is food and drink for the stage
lawyer。
They all go about telling their own and their friends' secrets to perfect
strangers on the stage。 Whenever two people have five minutes to spare
on the stage they tell each other the story of their lives。 〃Sit down and I
will tell you the story of my life〃 is the stage equivalent for the 〃Come and
have a drink〃 of the outside world。
The good stage lawyer has generally nursed the heroine on his knee
when a baby （when she was a baby； we mean）when she was only so high。
It seems to have been a part of his professional duties。 The good stage
lawyer also kisses all the pretty girls in the play and is expected to chuck
the housemaid under the chin。 It is good to be a good stage lawyer。
The good stage lawyer also wipes away a tear when sad things happen；
and he turns away to do this and blows his nose； and says he thinks he has
a fly in his eye。 This touching trait in his character is always held in
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STAGE…LAND。
great esteem by the audience and is much applauded。
The good stage lawyer is never by any chance a married man。 （Few
good men are； so we gather from our married lady friends。） He loved in
early life the heroine's mother。 That 〃sainted woman〃 （tear and nose
business） died and is now among the angelsthe gentleman who did marry
her； by the bye； is not quite so sure about this latter point； but the lawyer is
fixed on the idea。
In stage literature of a frivolous nature the lawyer is a very different
individual。 In comedy he is young； he possesses chambers； and he is
married （there is no doubt about this latter fact）； and his wife and his
mother…in…law spend most of the day in his office and make the dull old
place quite lively for him。
He only has one client。 She is a nice lady and affable； but her
antecedents are doubtful； and she seems to be no better than she ought to
bepossibly worse。 But anyhow she is the sole business that the poor
fellow hasis； in fact； his only source of income； and might； one would
think； under such circumstances be accorded a welcome by his family。
But his wife and his mother…in…law； on the contrary； take a violent dislike
to her； and the lawyer has to put her in the coal…scuttle or lock her up in
the safe whenever he hears either of these female relatives of his coming
up the stairs。
We should not care to be the client of a farcical comedy stage lawyer。
Legal transactions are trying to the nerves under the most favorable
circumstances； conducted by a farcical stage lawyer； the business would
be too exciting for us。
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STAGE…LAND。
THE ADVENTURESS。
She sits on a table and smokes a cigarette。 A cigarette on the stage is
always the badge of infamy。
In real life the cigarette is usually the hall…mark of the particularly
mild and harmless individual。 It is the dissipation of the Y。M。C。A。； the
innocent joy of the pure…hearted boy long ere the demoralizing influence
of our vaunted civilization has dragged him down into the depths of the
short clay。
But behind the cigarette on the stage lurks ever black…hearted villainy
and abandoned womanhood。
The adventuress is gene
