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第49章

the story of an african farm-第49章

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has no need for mental gifts。



〃But there is one art in which all she has would be used; for which they

are all necessarythe delicate expressive body; the rich voice; the power

of mental transposition。  The actor; who absorbs and then reflects from

himself other human lives; needs them all; but needs not much more。  This

is her end; but how to reach it?  Before her are endless difficulties: 

seas must be crossed; poverty must be endured; loneliness; want。  She must

be content to wait long before she can even get her feet upon the path。  If

she has made blunders in the past; if she has weighted herself with a

burden which she must bear to the end; she must but bear the burden

bravely; and labour on。  There is no use in wailing and repentance here: 

the next world is the place for that; this life is too short。  By our

errors we see deeper into life。  They help us。〃  She waited for a while。 

〃If she does all thisif she waits patiently; if she is never cast down;

never despairs; never forgets her end; moves straight toward it; bending

men and things most unlikely to her purposeshe must succeed at last。  Men

and things are plastic; they part to the right and left when one comes

among them moving in a straight line to one end。  I know it by my own

little experience;〃 she said。  〃Long years ago I resolved to be sent to

school。  It seemed a thing utterly out of my power; but I waited; I

watched; I collected clothes; I wrote; took my place at the school; when

all was ready I bore with my full force on the Boer…woman; and she sent me

at last。  It was a small thing; but life is made up of small things; as a

body is built up of cells。  What has been done in small things can be done

in large。  Shall be;〃 she said softly。



Waldo listened。  To him the words were no confession; no glimpse into the

strong; proud; restless heart of the woman。  They were general words with a

general application。  He looked up into the sparkling sky with dull eyes。



〃Yes;〃 he said; 〃but when we lie and think; and think; we see that there is

nothing worth doing。  The universe is so large; and man is so small〃



She shook her head quickly。



〃But we must not think so far; it is madness; it is a disease。  We know

that no man's work is great; and stands forever。  Moses is dead; and the

prophets and the books that our grandmothers fed on the mould is eating。 

Your poet and painter and actor;before the shouts that applaud them have

died their names grow strange; they are milestones that the world has

passed。  Men have set their mark on mankind forever; as they thought; but

time has washed it out as it has washed out mountains and continents。〃  She

raised herself on her elbow。  〃And what if we could help mankind; and leave

the traces of our work upon it to the end?  Mankind is only an ephemeral

blossom on the tree of time; there were others before it opened; there will

be others after it has fallen。  Where was man in the time of the

dicynodont; and when hoary monsters wallowed in the mud?  Will he be found

in the aeons that are to come?  We are sparks; we are shadows; we are

pollen; which the next wind will carry away。  We are dying already; it is

all a dream。



〃I know that thought。  When the fever of living is on us; when the desire

to become; to know; to do; is driving us mad; we can use it as an anodyne;

to still the fever and cool our beating pulses。  But it is a poison; not a

food。  If we live on it it will turn our blood to ice; we might as well be

dead。  We must not; Waldo; I want your life to be beautiful; to end in

something。  You are nobler and stronger than I;〃 she said; 〃and as much

better as one of God's great angels is better than a sinning man。  Your

life must go for something。〃



〃Yes; we will work;〃 he said。



She moved closer to him and lay still; his black curls touching her smooth

little head。



Doss; who had lain at his master's side; climbed over the bench; and curled

himself up in her lap。  She drew her skirt up over him; and the three sat

motionless for a long time。



〃Waldo;〃 she said; suddenly; 〃they are laughing at us。〃



〃Who?〃 he asked; starting up。



〃Theythe stars!〃 she said; softly。  〃Do you not see?  There is a little

white; mocking finger pointing down at us from each one of them!  We are

talking of tomorrow and tomorrow; and our hearts are so strong; we are not

thinking of something that can touch us softly in the dark and make us

still forever。  They are laughing at us Waldo。〃



Both sat looking upward。



〃Do you ever pray?〃 he asked her in a low voice。



〃No。〃



〃I never do; but I might when I look up there。  I will tell you;〃 he added;

in a still lower voice; 〃where I could pray。  If there were a wall of rock

on the edge of a world; and one rock stretched out far; far into space; and

I stood alone upon it; alone; with stars above me; and stars below me;I

would not say anything; but the feeling would be prayer。〃



There was an end to their conversation after that; and Doss fell asleep on

her knee。  At last the night…wind grew very chilly。



〃Ah;〃 she said; shivering; and drawing the skirt about her shoulders; 〃I am

cold。  Span…in the horses; and call me when you are ready。〃



She slipped down and walked toward the house; Doss stiffly following her;

not pleased at being roused。  At the door she met Gregory。



〃I have been looking for you everywhere; may I not drive you home?〃 he

said。



〃Waldo drives me;〃 she replied; passing on; and it appeared to Gregory that

she looked at him in the old way; without seeing him。  But before she had

reached the door an idea had occurred to her; for she turned。



〃If you wish to drive me you may。〃



Gregory went to look for Em; whom he found pouring out coffee in the back

room。  He put his hand quickly on her shoulder。



〃You must ride with Waldo; I am going to drive your cousin home。〃



〃But I can't come just now; Greg; I promised Tant Annie Muller to look

after the things while she went to rest a little。〃



〃Well; you can come presently; can't you?  I didn't say you were to come

now。  I'm sick of this thing;〃 said Gregory; turning sharply on his heel。

〃Why must I sit up the whole night because your stepmother chooses to get

married?〃



〃Oh; it's all right; Greg; I only meant〃



But he did not hear her; and a man had come up to have his cup filled。



An hour after Waldo came in to look for her; and found her still busy at

the table。



〃The horses are ready;〃 he said; 〃but if you would like to have one dance

more I will wait。〃



She shook her head wearily。



〃No; I am quite ready。  I want to go。〃



And soon they were on the sandy road the buggy had travelled an hour

before。  Their horses; with heads close together; nodding sleepily as they

walked in the starlight; you might have counted the rise and fall of their

feet in the sand; and Waldo in his saddle nodded drowsily also。  Only Em

was awake; and watched the starlit road with wide…open eyes。  At last she

spoke。



〃I wonder if all people feel so old; so very old; when they get to be

seventeen?〃



〃Not older than before;〃 said Waldo sleepily; pulling at his bridle。



Presently she said again:



〃I wish I could have been a little child always。  You are good then。  You

are never selfish; you like every one to have everything; but when you are

grown up there are some things you like to have all to yourself; you don't

like any one else to have any of them。〃



〃Yes;〃 said Waldo sleepily; and she did not speak again。



When they reached the farmhouse all was dark; for Lyndall had retired as

soon as they got home。



Waldo lifted Em from her saddle; and for a moment she leaned her head on

his shoulder and clung to him。



〃You are very tired;〃 he said; as he walked with her to the door; 〃let me

go in and light a candle for you。〃



〃No; thank you; it is all right;〃 she said。  〃Good night; Waldo; dear。〃



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