david copperfield(大卫.科波维尔)-第149章

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idea；　of　course；　but　I　was　in　a　manner　struck　by　it；　as　a　new　one　
altogether。　

‘Not　light…headed？’　said　my　aunt。　

‘Light…headed；　aunt！’　I　could　only　repeat　this　daring　speculation　
with　the　same　kind　of　feeling　with　which　I　had　repeated　the　
preceding　question。　

‘Well；　well！’　said　my　aunt。　‘I　only　ask。　I　don’t　depreciate　her。　
Poor　little　couple！　And　so　you　think　you　were　formed　for　one　
another；　and　are　to　go　through　a　party…supper…table　kind　of　life；　
like　two　pretty　pieces　of　confectionery；　do　you；　Trot？’　

She　asked　me　this　so　kindly；　and　with　such　a　gentle　air；　half　
playful　and　half　sorrowful；　that　I　was　quite　touched。　

‘We　are　young　and　inexperienced；　aunt；　I　know；’　I　replied；　‘and　
I　dare　say　we　say　and　think　a　good　deal　that　is　rather　foolish。　But　
we　love　one　another　truly；　I　am　sure。　If　I　thought　Dora　could　ever　
love　anybody　else；　or　cease　to　love　me；　or　that　I　could　ever　love　
anybody　else；　or　cease　to　love　her；　I　don’t　know　what　I　should　do—　

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go　out　of　my　mind；　I　think！’　

‘Ah；　Trot！’　said　my　aunt；　shaking　her　head；　and　smiling　gravely；　
‘blind；　blind；　blind！’　

‘Someone　that　I　know；　Trot；’　my　aunt　pursued；　after　a　pause；　
‘though　of　a　very　pliant　disposition；　has　an　earnestness　of　affection　
in　him　that　reminds　me　of　poor　Baby。　Earnestness　is　what　that　
Somebody　must　look　for；　to　sustain　him　and　improve　him；　Trot。　
Deep；　downright；　faithful　earnestness。’　

‘If　you　only　knew　the　earnestness　of　Dora；　aunt！’　I　cried。　

‘Oh；　Trot！’　she　said　again；　‘blind；　blind！’　and　without　knowing　
why；　I　felt　a　vague　unhappy　loss　or　want　of　something　overshadow　
me　like　a　cloud。　

‘However；’　said　my　aunt；　‘I　don’t　want　to　put　two　young　
creatures　out　of　conceit　with　themselves；　or　to　make　them　
unhappy；　so；　though　it　is　a　girl　and　boy　attachment；　and　girl　and　
boy　attachments　very　often—mind！　I　don’t　say　always！—come　to　
nothing；　still　we’ll　be　serious　about　it；　and　hope　for　a　prosperous　
issue　one　of　these　days。　There’s　time　enough　for　it　to　come　to　
anything！’　

This　was　not　upon　the　whole　very　comforting　to　a　rapturous　
lover；　but　I　was　glad　to　have　my　aunt　in　my　confidence；　and　I　was　
mindful　of　her　being　fatigued。　So　I　thanked　her　ardently　for　this　
mark　of　her　affection；　and　for　all　her　other　kindnesses　towards　me；　
and　after　a　tender　good　night；　she　took　her　nightcap　into　my　
bedroom。　

How　miserable　I　was；　when　I　lay　down！　How　I　thought　and　
thought　about　my　being　poor；　in　Mr。　Spenlow’s　eyes；　about　my　not　
being　what　I　thought　I　was；　when　I　proposed　to　Dora；　about　the　
chivalrous　necessity　of　telling　Dora　what　my　worldly　condition　

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was；　and　releasing　her　from　her　engagement　if　she　thought　fit；　
about　how　I　should　contrive　to　live；　during　the　long　term　of　my　
articles；　when　I　was　earning　nothing；　about　doing　something　to　
assist　my　aunt；　and　seeing　no　way　of　doing　anything；　about　coming　
down　to　have　no　money　in　my　pocket；　and　to　wear　a　shabby　coat；　
and　to　be　able　to　carry　Dora　no　little　presents；　and　to　ride　no　
gallant　greys；　and　to　show　myself　in　no　agreeable　light！　Sordid　
and　selfish　as　I　knew　it　was；　and　as　I　tortured　myself　by　knowing　
that　it　was；　to　let　my　mind　run　on　my　own　distress　so　much；　I　was　
so　devoted　to　Dora　that　I　could　not　help　it。　I　knew　that　it　was　base　
in　me　not　to　think　more　of　my　aunt；　and　less　of　myself；　but；　so　far；　
selfishness　was　inseparable　from　Dora；　and　I　could　not　put　Dora　
on　one　side　for　any　mortal　creature。　How　exceedingly　miserable　I　
was；　that　night！　

As　to　sleep；　I　had　dreams　of　poverty　in　all　sorts　of　shapes；　but　I　
seemed　to　dream　without　the　previous　ceremony　of　going　to　sleep。　
Now　I　was　ragged；　wanting　to　sell　Dora　matches；　six　bundles　for　a　
halfpenny；　now　I　was　at　the　office　in　a　nightgown　and　boots；　
remonstrated　with　by　Mr。　Spenlow　on　appearing　before　the　clients　
in　that　airy　attire；　now　I　was　hungrily　picking　up　the　crumbs　that　
fell　from　old　Tiffey’s　daily　biscuit；　regularly　eaten　when　St。　Paul’s　
struck　one；　now　I　was　hopelessly　endeavouring　to　get　a　licence　to　
marry　Dora；　having　nothing　but　one　of　Uriah　Heep’s　gloves　to　
offer　in　exchange；　which　the　whole　Commons　rejected；　and　still；　
more　or　less　conscious　of　my　own　room；　I　was　always　tossing　about　
like　a　distressed　ship　in　a　sea　of　bed…clothes。　

My　aunt　was　restless；　too；　for　I　frequently　heard　her　walking　to　
and　fro。　Two　or　three　times　in　the　course　of　the　night；　attired　in　a　
long　flannel　wrapper　in　which　she　looked　seven　feet　high；　she　

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appeared；　like　a　disturbed　ghost；　in　my　room；　and　came　to　the　side　
of　the　sofa　on　which　I　lay。　On　the　first　occasion　I　started　up　in　
alarm；　to　learn　that　she　inferred　from　a　particular　light　in　the　sky；　
that　Westminster　Abbey　was　on　fire；　and　to　be　consulted　in　
reference　to　the　probability　of　its　igniting　Buckingham　Street；　in　
case　the　wind　changed。　Lying　still；　after　that；　I　found　that　she　sat　
down　near　me；　whispering　to　herself　‘Poor　boy！’　And　then　it　made　
me　twenty　times　more　wretched；　to　know　how　unselfishly　mindful　
she　was　of　me；　and　how　selfishly　mindful　I　was　of　myself。　

It　was　difficult　to　believe　that　a　night　so　long　to　me；　could　be　
short　to　anybody　else。　This　consideration　set　me　thinking　and　
thinking　of　an　imaginary　party　where　people　were　dancing　the　
hours　away；　until　that　became　a　dream　too；　and　I　heard　the　music　
incessantly　playing　one　tune；　and　saw　Dora　incessantly　dancing　
one　dance；　without　taking　the　least　notice　of　me。　The　man　who　
had　been　playing　the　harp　all　night；　was　trying　in　vain　to　cover　it　
with　an　ordinary…sized　nightcap；　when　I　awoke；　or　I　should　rather　
say；　when　I　left　off　trying　to　go　to　sleep；　and　saw　the　sun　shining　in　
through　the　window　at　last。　

There　was　an　old　Roman　bath　in　those　days　at　the　bottom　of　
one　of　the　streets　out　of　the　Strand—it　may　be　there　still—in　
which　I　have　had　many　a　cold　plunge。　Dressing　myself　as　quietly　
as　I　could；　and　leaving　Peggotty　to　look　after　my　aunt；　I　tumbled　
head　foremost　into　it；　and　then　went　for　a　walk　to　Hampstead。　I　
had　a　hope　that　this　brisk　treatment　might　freshen　my　wits　a　little；　
and　I　think　it　did　them　good；　for　I　soon　came　to　the　conclusion　that　
the　first　step　I　ought　to　take　was；　to　try　if　my　articles　could　be　
cancelled　and　the　premium　recovered。　I　got　some　breakfast　on　the　
Heath；　and　walked　back　to　Doctors’　Commons；　along　the　watered　

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roads　

and　through　a　pleasant　smell　of　summer　flowers；　growing　in　
gardens　and　carried　into　town　on　hucksters’　heads；　intent　on　this　
first　effort　to　meet　our　altered　circumstances。　

I　arrived　at　the　office　so　soon；　after　all；　that　I　had　half　an　hour’s　
loitering　about　the　Commons；　before　old　Tiffey；　who　was　always　
first；　appeared　with　his　key。　Then　I　sat　down　in　my　shady　corner；　
looking　up　at　the　sunlight　on　the　opposite　chimney…pots；　and　
thinking　about　Dora；　until　Mr。　Spenlow　came　in；　crisp　and　curly。　

‘How　are　you；　Copperfield？’　said　he。　‘Fine　morning！’　

‘Beautiful　morning；　sir；’　said　I。　‘Could　I　say　a　word　to　you　
before　you　go　into　Court？’　

‘By　all　means；’　said　he。　‘Come　into　my　room。’　

I　followed　him　into　his　room；　and　he　began　putting　on　his　gown；　
and　touching　himself　up　before　a　little　glass　he　had；　hanging　inside　
a　closet　door。　

‘I　am　sorry　to　say；’　said　I；　‘that　I　have　some　rather　disheartening　
intelligence　from　my　aunt。’　

‘No！’　said　he。　‘Dear　me！　Not　paralysis；　I　hope？’　

‘It　has　no　reference　to　her　health；　sir；’　I　replied。　‘She　has　met　
with　some　large　losses。　In　fact；　she　has　very　little　left；　indeed。’　

‘You　as…tound　me；　Copperfield！’　cried　Mr。　Spenlow。　

I　shook　my　head。　‘Indeed；　sir；’　said　I；　‘her　affairs　are　so　
changed；　that　I　wished　to　ask　you　whether　it　would　be　possible—at　
a　sacrifice　on　our　part　of　some　portion　of　the　premium；　of　course；’　
I　put　in　this；　on　the　spur　of　the　moment；　warned　by　the　blank　
expression