the book of snobs-第12章

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which　the　latter　hires　from　Rumble　of　Bond　Street。



In　fact；　Military　Snobs　are　of　such　number　and　variety；

that　a　hundred　weeks　of　PUNCH　would　not　suffice　to　give

an　audience　to　them。　　There　is；　besides　the　disreputable

old　Military　Snob；　who　has　seen　service；　the　respectable

old　Military　Snob；　who　has　seen　none；　and　gives　himself

the　most　prodigious　Martinet　airs。　　There　is　the　Medical…

Military　Snob；　who　is　generally　more　outrageously

military　in　his　conversation　than　the　greatest　SABREUR　in

the　army。　　There　is　the　Heavy…Dragoon　Snob；　whom　young

ladies；　admire　with　his　great　stupid　pink　face　and　yellow

moustachesa　vacuous；　solemn；　foolish；　but　brave　and

honourable　Snob。　　There　is　the　Amateur…Military　Snob　who

writes　Captain　on　his　card　because　he　is　a　Lieutenant　in

the　Bungay　Militia。　　There　is　the　Lady…killing　Military

Snob；　and　more；　who　need　not　be　named。



But　let　no　man；　we　repeat；　charge　MR。　PUNCH　with

disrespect　for　the　Army　in　generalthat　gallant　and

judicious　Army；　every　man　of　which；　from　F。M。　the　Duke　of

Wellington；　&c。；　downwards（with　the　exception　of　H。R。H。

Field…Marshal　Prince　Albert；　who；　however；　can　hardly

count　as　a　military　man；）reads　PUNCH　in　every　quarter

of　the　globe。



Let　those　civilians　who　sneer　at　the　acquirements　of　the

army　read　Sir　Harry　Smith's　account　of　the　Battle　of

Aliwal。　　A　noble　deed　was　never　told　in　nobler　language。

And　you　who　doubt　if　chivalry　exists；　or　the　age　of

heroism　has　passed　by；　think　of　Sir　Henry　Hardinge；　with

his　son；　'dear　little　Arthur；'　riding　in　front　of　the

lines　at　Ferozeshah。　　I　hope　no　English　painter　will

endeavour　to　illustrate　that　scene；　for　who　is　there　to

do　justice　to　it？　　The　history　of　the　world　contains　no

more　brilliant　and　heroic　picture。　　No；　no；　the　men　who

perform　these　deeds　with　such　brilliant　valour；　and

describe　them　with　such　modest　manlinessSUCH　are　not

Snobs。　　Their　country　admires　them；　their　Sovereign

rewards　them；　and　PUNCH；　the　universal　railer；　takes　off

his　hat　and；　says；　Heaven　save　them！







CHAPTER　XI



ON　CLERICAL　SNOBS



After　Snobs…Military；　Snobs…Clerical　suggest　themselves

quite　naturally；　and　it　is　clear　that；　with　every　respect

for　the　cloth；　yet　having　a　regard　for　truth；　humanity；

and　the　British　public；　such　a　vast　and　influential　class

must　not　be　omitted　from　our　notices　of　the　great　Snob

world。



Of　these　Clerics　there　are　some　whose　claim　to

snobbishness　is　undoubted；　and　yet　it　cannot　be　discussed

here；　for　the　same　reason　that　PUNCH　would　not　set　up　his

show　in　a　Cathedral；　out　of　respect　for　the　solemn

service　celebrated　within。　　There　are　some　places　where

he　acknowledges　himself　not　privileged　to　make　a　noise；

and　puts　away　his　show；　and　silences　his　drum；　and　takes

off　his　hat；　and　holds　his　peace。



And　I　know　this；　that　if　there　are　some　Clerics　who　do

wrong；　there　are　straightway　a　thousand　newspapers　to

haul　up　those　unfortunates；　and　cry；　'Fie　upon　them；　fie

upon　them！'　while；　though　the　press　is　always　ready　to

yell　and　bellow　excommunication　against　these　stray

delinquent　parsons；　it　somehow　takes　very　little　count　of

the　many　good　onesof　the　tens　of　thousands　of　honest

men；　who　lead　Christian　lives；　who　give　to　the　poor

generously；　who　deny　themselves　rigidly；　and　live　and　die

in　their　duty；　without　ever　a　newspaper　paragraph　in

their　favour。　　My　beloved　friend　and　reader；　I　wish　you

and　I　could　do　the　same：　and　let　me　whisper　my　belief；

ENTRE　NOUS　that　of　those　eminent　philosophers　who　cry　out

against　parsons　the　loudest；　there　are　not　many　who　have

got　their　knowledge　of　the　church　by　going　thither　often。



But　you　who　have　ever　listened　to　village　bells；　or

walked　to　church　as　children　on　sunny　Sabbath　mornings；

you　who　have　ever　seen　the　parson's　wife　tending　the　poor

man's　bedside；　or　the　town　clergyman　threading　the　dirty

stairs　of　noxious　alleys　upon　his　business；do　not　raise

a　shout　when　one　falls　away；　or　yell　with　the　mob　that

howls　after　him。



Every　man　can　do　that。　　When　old　Father　Noah　was

overtaken　in　his　cups；　there　was　only　one　of　his　sons

that　dared　to　make　merry　at　his　disaster；　and　he　was　not

the　most　virtuous　of　the　family。　　Let　us　too　turn　away

silently；　nor　huzza　like　a　parcel　of　school…boys；　because

some　big　young　rebel　suddenly　starts　up　and　whops　the

schoolmaster。



I　confess；　though；　if　I　had　by　me　the　names　of　those

seven　or　eight　Irish　bishops；　the　probates　of　whose　wills

were　mentioned　in　last　year's　journals；　and　who　died

leaving　behind　them　some　two　hundred　thousand　a…pieceI

would　like　to　put　THEM　up　as　patrons　of　my　Clerical

Snobs；　and　operate　upon　them　as　successfully　as　I　see

from　the　newspapers　Mr。　Eisenberg；　Chiropodist；　has

lately　done　upon　'His　Grace　the　Reverend　Lord　Bishop　of

Tapioca。'



I　confess　that　when　those　Right　Reverend　Prelates　come　up

to　the　gates　of　Paradise　with　their　probates　of　wills　in

their　hands；　I　think　that　their　chance　is。。。。　　But　the

gates　of　Paradise　is　a　far　way　to　follow　their　Lordships；

so　let　us　trip　down　again　lest　awkward　questions　be　asked

there　about　our　own　favourite　vices　too。



And　don't　let　us　give　way　to　the　vulgar　prejudice；　that

clergymen　are　an　over…paid　and　luxurious　body　of　men。

When　that　eminent　ascetic；　the　late　Sydney　Smith（by　the

way；　by　what　law　of　nature　is　it　that　so　many　Smiths　in

this　world　are　called　Sydney　Smith？）lauded　the　system

of　great　prizes　in　the　Church；without　which　he　said

gentlemen　would　not　be　induced　to　follow　the　clerical

profession；　he　admitted　most　pathetically　that　the　clergy

in　general　were　by　no　means　to　be　envied　for　their

worldly　prosperity。　　From　reading　the　works　of　some

modern　writers　of　repute；　you　would　fancy　that　a　parson's

life　was　passed　in　gorging　himself　with　plum…pudding　and

port…wine；　and　that　his　Reverence's　fat　chaps　were　always

greasy　with　the　crackling　of　tithe　pigs。　　Caricaturists

delight　to　represent　him　so：　round；　short…necked；　pimple…

faced；　apoplectic；　bursting　out　of　waistcoat；　like　a

black…pudding；　a　shovel…hatted　fuzz…wigged　Silenus。

Whereas；　if　you　take　the　real　man；　the　poor　fellow's

flesh…pots　are　very　scantily　furnished　with　meat。　　He

labours　commonly　for　a　wage　that　a　tailor's　foreman　would

despise：　he　has；　too；　such　claims　upon　his　dismal　income

as　most　philosophers　would　rather　grumble　to　meet；　many

tithes　are　levied　upon　HIS　pocket；　let　it　be　remembered；

by　those　who　grudge　him　his　means　of　livelihood。　　He　has

to　dine　with　the　Squire：　and　his　wife　must　dress　neatly；

and　he　must　'look　like　a　gentleman；'　as　they　call　it；　and

bring　up　six　great　hungry　sons　as　such。　　Add　to　this；　if

he　does　his　duty；　he　has　such　temptations　to　spend　his

money　as　no　mortal　man　could　withstand。　　Yes；　you　who

can't　resist　purchasing　a　chest　of　cigars；　because　they

are　so　good；　or　an　ormolu　clock　at　Howell　and　James's；

because　it　is　such　a　bargain；　or　a　box　at　the　Opera；

because　Lablache　and　Grisi　are　divine　in　the　PURITANI；

fancy　how　difficult　it　is　for　a　parson　to　resist　spending

a　half…crown　when　John　Breakstone's　family　are　without　a

loaf；　or　'standing'　a　bottle　of　port　for　poor　old　Polly

Rabbits；　who　has　her　thirteenth　child；　or　treating

himself　to　a　suit　of　corduroys　for　little　Bob　Scarecrow；

whose　breeches　are　sadly　out　at　elbows。　　Think　of　these

temptations；　brother　moralists　and　philosophers；　and

don't　be　too　hard　on　the　parson。



But　what　is　this？　　Instead　of　'showing　up'　the　parsons；

are　we　indulging　in　maudlin　praises　of　that　monstrous

black…coated　race？　　O　saintly　Francis；　lying　at　rest

under　the　turf；　O　Jimmy；　and　Johnny；　and　Willy；　friends

of　my　youth！　　O　noble　and　dear　old　Elias！　how　should　he

who　knows　you　not　respect　you　and　your　calling？　　May　this

pen　never　write　a　pennyworth　again；　if　it　ever　casts

ridicule　upon　either！







CHAPTER　XII



ON　CLERICAL　SNOBS　AND　SNOBBISHNESS



'Dear　Mr。　Snob；'