the book of snobs-第33章

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scheme　of　the　present　work；　and　are　but　minor　characters

of　our　Snob　drama；　just　as；　in　the　play；　kings　and

emperors　are　not　half　so　important　as　many　humble

persons。　　The　DOGE　OF　VENICE；　for　instance；　gives　way　to

OTHELLO；　who　is　but　a　nigger；　and　the　KING　OF　FRANCE　to

FALCONBRIDGE；　who　is　a　gentleman　of　positively　no　birth

at　all。　　So　with　the　exalted　characters　above　mentioned。

I　perfectly　well　recollect　that　the　claret　at　Hawbuck's

was　not　by　any　means　so　good　as　that　of　Hipsley's；　while；

on　the　contrary；　some　white　hermitage　at　the　Haws　（by　the

way；　the　butler　only　gave　me　half　a　glass　each　time）　was

supernacular。　　And　I　remember　the　conversations。　　O

Madam；　Madam；　how　stupid　they　were！　　The　subsoil

ploughing；　the　pheasants　and　poaching；　the　row　about　the

representation　of　the　county；　the　Earl　of

Mangelwurzelshire　being　at　variance　with　his　relative　and

nominee；　the　Honourable　Marmaduke　Tomnoddy；　all　these　I

could　put　down；　had　I　a　mind　to　violate　the　confidence　of

private　life；　and　a　great　deal　of　conversation　about　the

weather；　the　Mangelwurzelshire　Hunt；　new　manures；　and

eating　and　drinking；　of　course。



But　CUI　BONO？　　In　these　perfectly　stupid　and　honourable

families　there　is　not　that　Snobbishness　which　it　is　our

purpose　to　expose。　　An　ox　is　an　oxa　great　hulking；　fat…

sided；　bellowing；　munching　Beef。　　He　ruminates　according

to　his　nature；　and　consumes　his　destined　portion　of

turnips　or　oilcake；　until　the　time　comes　for　his

disappearance　from　the　pastures；　to　be　succeeded　by　other

deep…lunged　and　fat…ribbed　animals。　　Perhaps　we　do　not

respect　an　ox。　　We　rather　acquiesce　in　him。　　The　Snob；　my

dear　Madam；　is　the　Frog　that　tries　to　swell　himself　to　ox

size。　　Let　us　pelt　the　silly　brute　out　of　his　folly。



Look；　I　pray　you；　at　the　case　of　my　unfortunate　friend

Ponto；　a　good…natured；　kindly　English　gentlemannot

over…wise；　but　quite　passablefond　of　port…wine；　of　his

family；　of　country　sports　and　agriculture；　hospitably

minded；　with　as　pretty　a　little　patrimonial　country…house

as　heart　can　desire；　and　a　thousand　pounds　a　year。　　It　is

not　much；　but；　ENTRE　NOUS；　people　can　live　for　less；　and

not　uncomfortably。



For　instance；　there　is　the　doctor；　whom　Mrs。　P。　does　not

condescend　to　visit：　that　man　educates　a　mirific　family；

and　is　loved　by　the　poor　for　miles　round：　and　gives　them

port…wine　for　physic　and　medicine；　gratis。　　And　how　those

people　can　get　on　with　their　pittance；　as　Mrs。　Ponto

says；　is　a　wonder　to　HER。



Again；　there　is　the　clergyman；　Doctor　Chrysostom；　Mrs。

P。　says　they　quarrelled　about　Puseyism；　but　I　am　given　to

understand　it　was　because　Mrs。　C。　had　the　PAS　of　her　at

the　Hawsyou　may　see　what　the　value　of　his　living　is　any

day　in　the　'Clerical　Guide；'　but　you　don't　know　what　he

gives　away。



Even　Pettipois　allows　that；　in　whose　eyes　the　Doctor's

surplice　is　a　scarlet　abomination；　and　so　does　Pettipois

do　his　duty　in　his　way；　and　administer　not　only　his

tracts　and　his　talk；　but　his　money　and　his　means　to　his

people。　　As　a　lord's　son；　by　the　way；　Mrs。　Ponto　is

uncommonly　anxious　that　he　should　marry　EITHER　of　the

girls　whom　Lord　Gules　does　not　intend　to　choose。



Well；　although　Pon's　income　would　make　up　almost　as　much

as　that　of　these　three　worthies　put　together　oh；　my

dear　Madam；　see　in　what　hopeless　penury　the　poor　fellow

lives！　　What　tenant　can　look　to　HIS　forbearance？　　What

poor　man　can　hope　for　HIS　charity？　　'Master's　the　best　of

men；'　honest　Stripes　says；　'and　when　we　was　in　the

ridgment　a　more　free…handed　chap　didn't　live。　　But　the

way　in　which　Missus　DU　scryou；　I　wonder　the　young　ladies

is　alive；　that　I　du！'



They　live　upon　a　fine　governess　and　fine　masters；　and

have　clothes　made　by　Lady　Carabas's　own　milliner；　and

their　brother　rides　with　earls　to　cover；　and　only　the

best　people　in　the　county　visit　at　the　Evergreens；　and

Mrs。　Ponto　thinks　herself　a　paragon　of　wives　and　mothers；

and　a　wonder　of　the　world；　for　doing　all　this　misery　and

humbug；　and　snobbishness；　on　a　thousand　a　year。



What　an　inexpressible　comfort　it　was；　my　dear　Madam；　when

Stripes　put　my　portmanteau　in　the　four…wheeled　chaise；

and　（poor　P　on　being　touched　with　sciatica）　drove　me　over

to　'Carabas　Arms'　at　Guttlebury；　where　we　took　leave。

There　were　some　bagmen　there　in　the　Commercial　Room；　and

one　talked　about　the　house　he　represented；　and　another

about　his　dinner；　and　a　third　about　the　Inns　on　the　road；

and　so　fortha　talk；　not　very　wise；　but　honest　and　to

the　purposeabout　as　good　as　that　of　the　country

gentlemen：　and　oh；　how　much　pleasanter　than　listening　to

Miss　Wirt's　show…pieces　on　the　piano；　and　Mrs。　Ponto's

genteel　cackle　about　the　fashion　and　the　county　families！







CHAPTER　XXXII



SNOBBIUM　GATHERUM



WHEN　I　see　the　great　effect　which　these　papers　are

producing　on　an　intelligent　public；　I　have　a　strong　hope

that　before　long　we　shall　have　a　regular　Snob　department

in　the　newspapers；　just　as　we　have　the　Police　Courts　and

the　Court　News　at　present。　　When　a　flagrant　case　of　bone…

crushing　or　Poor…law　abuse　occurs　in　the　world；　who　so

eloquent　as　THE　TIMES　to　point　it　out？　　When　a　gross

instance　of　Snobbishness　happens；　why　should　not　the

indignant　journalist　call　the　public　attention　to　that

delinquency　too？



How；　for　instance；　could　that　wonderful　case　of　the　Earl

of　Mangelwurzel　and　his　brother　be　examined　in　the

Snobbish　point　of　view？　　Let　alone　the　hectoring；　the

bullying；　the　vapouring；　the　bad　grammar；　the　mutual

recriminations；　lie…givings；　challenges；　retractations；

which　abound　in　the　fraternal　disputeput　out　of　the

question　these　points　as　concerning　the　individual

nobleman　and　his　relative；　with　whose　personal　affairs　we

have　nothing　to　doand　consider　how　intimately　corrupt；

how　habitually　grovelling　and　mean；　how　entirely　Snobbish

in　a　word；　a　whole　county　must　be　which　can　find　no

better　chiefs　or　leaders　than　these　two　gentlemen。　　'We

don't　want；'　the　great　county　of　Mangelwurzelshire　seems

to　say；　'that　a　man　should　be　able　to　write　good　grammar；

or　that　he　should　keep　a　Christian　tongue　in　his　head；　or

that　he　should　have　the　commonest　decency　of　temper；　or

even　a　fair　share　of　good　sense；　in　order　to　represent　us

in　Parliament。



All　we　require　is；　that　a　man　should　be　recommended　to　us

by　the　Earl　of　Mangelwurzelshire。　　And　all　that　we

require　of　the　Earl　of　Mangelwurzelshire　is　that　he

should　have　fifty　thousand　a　year　and　hunt　the　country。'

O　you　pride　of　all　Snobland！　　O　you　crawling；　truckling；

self…confessed　lackeys　and　parasites！



But　this　is　growing　too　savage：　don't　let　us　forget　our

usual　amenity；　and　that　tone　of　playfulness　and　sentiment

with　which　the　beloved　reader　and　writer　have　pursued

their　mutual　reflections　hitherto。　　Well；　Snobbishness

pervades　the　little　Social　Farce　as　well　as　the　great

State　Comedy；　and　the　self…same　moral　is　tacked　to

either。



There　was；　for　instance；　an　account　in　the　papers　of　a

young　lady　who；　misled　by　a　fortune…teller；　actually　went

part　of　the　way　to　India　（as　far　as　Bagnigge　Wells；　I

think；）　in　search　of　a　husband　who　was　promised　her

there。　　Do　you　suppose　this　poor　deluded　little　soul

would　have　left　her　shop　for　a　man　below　her　in　rank；　or

for　anything　but　a　darling　of　a　Captain　in　epaulets　and　a

red　coat。　　It　was　her　Snobbish　sentiment　that　misled　her；

and　made　her　vanities　a　prey　to　the　swindling　fortune…

teller。



Case　2　was　that　of　Mademoiselle　de　Saugrenue；　'the

interesting　young　Frenchwoman　with　a　profusion　of　jetty

ringlets；'　who　lived　for　nothing　at　a　boardinghouse　at

Gosport；　was　then　conveyed　to　Fareham　gratis：　and　being

there；　and　lying　on　the　bed　of　the　good　old　lady　her

entertainer；　the　dear　girl　took　occasion　to　rip　open　the

mattress；　and　steal　a　cash…box；　with　which　she　fled　to

London。　　How　would　you　account　for　the　prodigious

benevolence　exercised　towards　the　interesting　young

F