the book of snobs-第39章

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to　Pump。　　Quarrelling　was　uselessPump　had　the　money；　he

was　off　to　Dublin　by　the　time　I　reached　his　mother's；　and

Polly　radiant　still。　　He　was　going　to　make　his　fortune；

he　was　going　to　embark　the　money　in　the　Bog　of　AllenI

don't　know　what。　　The　fact　is；　he　was　going　to　pay　his

losses　upon　the　last　Manchester　steeple…chase；　and　I

leave　you　to　imagine　how　much　principal　or　interest　poor

Polly　ever　saw　back　again。



'It　was　more　than　half　her　fortune；　and　he　has　had

another　thousand　since　from　her。　　Then　came　efforts　to

stave　off　ruin　and　prevent　exposure；　struggles　on　all　our

parts；　and　sacrifices；　that'　（here　Mr。　Essex　Temple　began

to　hesitate）'that　needn't　be　talked　of；　but　they　are　of

no　more　use　than　such　sacrifices　ever　are。　　Pump　and　his

wife　are　abroadI　don't　like　to　ask　where；　Polly　has　the

three　children；　and　Mr。　Serjeant　Shirker　has　formally

written　to　break　off　an　engagement；　on　the　conclusion　of

which　Miss　Temple　must　herself　have　speculated；　when　she

alienated　the　greater　part　of　her　fortune。



'And　here's　your　famous　theory　of　poor　marriages！'　Essex

Temple　cries；　concluding　the　above　history。　　'How　do　you

know　that　I　don't　want　to　marry　myself？　　How　do　you　dare

sneer　at　my　poor　sister？　　What　are　we　but　martyrs　of　the

reckless　marriage　system　which　Mr。　Snob；　forsooth；

chooses　to　advocate？'　　And　he　thought　he　had　the　better

of　the　argument；　which；　strange　to　say；　is　not　my

opinion。



But　for　the　infernal　Snob…worship；　might　not　every　one　of

these　people　be　happy？　　If　poor　Polly's　happiness　lay　in

linking　her　tender　arms　round　such　a　heartless　prig　as

the　sneak　who　has　deceived　her；　she　might　have　been　happy

nowas　happy　as　Raymond　Raymond　in　the　ballad；　with　the

stone　statue　by　his　side。　　She　is　wretched　because　Mr。

Serjeant　Shirker　worships　money　and　ambition；　and　is　a

Snob　and　a　coward。



If　the　unfortunate　Pump　Temple　and　his　giddy　hussy　of　a

wife　have　ruined　themselves；　and　dragged　down　others　into

their　calamity；　it　is　because　they　loved　rank；　and

horses；　and　plate；　and　carriages；　and　COURT　GUIDES；　and

millinery；　and　would　sacrifice　all　to　attain　those

objects。



And　who　misguides　them？　　If　the　world　were　more　simple；

would　not　those　foolish　people　follow　the　fashion？　　Does

not　the　world　love　COURT　GUIDES；　and　millinery；　and

plate；　and　carriages？　　Mercy　on　us！　　Read　the　fashionable

intelligence；　read　the　COURT　CIRCULAR；　read　the　genteel

novels；　survey　mankind；　from　Pimlico　to　Red　Lion　Square；

and　see　how　the　Poor　Snob　is　aping　the　Rich　Snob；　how　the

Mean　Snob　is　grovelling　at　the　feet　of　the　Proud　Snob；

and　the　Great　Snob　is　lording　it　over　his　humble　brother。

Does　the　idea　of　equality　ever　enter　Dives'　head？　　Will

it　ever？　　Will　the　Duchess　of　Fitzbattleaxe　（I　like　a

good　name）　ever　believe　that　Lady　Croesus；　her　next…door

neighbour　in　Belgrave　Square；　is　as　good　a　lady　as　her

Grace？　　Will　Lady　Croesus　ever　leave　off　pining　the

Duchess's　parties；　and　cease　patronizing　Mrs。　Broadcloth

whose　husband　has　not　got　his　Baronetcy　yet？　　Will　Mrs。

Broadcloth　ever　heartily　shake　hands　with　Mrs。　Seedy；　and

give　up　those　odious　calculations　about　poor　dear　Mrs。

Seedy's　income？　　Will　Mrs。　Seedy　who　is　starving　in　her

great　house；　go　and　live　comfortably　in　a　little　one；　or

in　lodgings？　　Will　her　landlady；　Miss　Letsam；　ever　stop

wondering　at　the　familiarity　of　tradespeople；　or　rebuking

the　insolence　of　Suky；　the　maid；　who　wears　flowers　under

her　bonnet　like　a　lady？



But　why　hope；　why　wish　for　such　times？　　Do　I　wish　all

Snobs　to　perish？　　Do　I　wish　these　Snob　papers　to

determine？　　Suicidal　fool；　art　not　thou；　too；　a　Snob　and

a　brother？







CHAPTER　XXXVII



CLUB　SNOBS



As　I　wish　to　be　particularly　agreeable　to　the　ladies　（to

whom　I　make　my　most　humble　obeisance）；　we　will　now；　if

you　please；　commence　maligning　a　class　of　Snobs　against

whom；　I　believe；　most　female　minds　are　embitteredI　mean

Club　Snobs。　　I　have　very　seldom　heard　even　the　most

gentle　and　placable　woman　speak　without　a　little　feeling

of　bitterness　against　those　social　institutions；　those

palaces　swaggering　in　St。　James's；　which　are　open　to　the

men；　while　the　ladies　have　but　their　dingy　three…windowed

brick　boxes　in　Belgravia　or　in　Paddingtonia；　or　in　the

region　between　the　road　of　Edgware　and　that　of　Gray's

Inn。



In　my　grandfather's　time　it　used　to　be　Freemasonry　that

roused　their　anger。　　It　was　my　grand…aunt　（whose　portrait

we　still　have　in　the　family）　who　got　into　the　clock…case

at　the　Royal　Rosicrucian　Lodge　at　Bungay；　Suffolk；　to　spy

the　proceedings　of　the　Society；　of　which　her　husband　was

a　member；　and　being　frightened　by　the　sudden　whirring　and

striking　eleven　of　the　clock　（just　as　the　Deputy…Grand…

Master　was　bringing　in　the　mystic　gridiron　for　the

reception　of　a　neophyte）；　rushed　out　into　the　midst　of

the　lodge　assembled；　and　was　elected；　by　a　desperate

unanimity；　Deputy…Grand…Mistress　for　life。　　Though　that

admirable　and　courageous　female　never　subsequently

breathed　a　word　with　regard　to　the　secrets　of　the

initiation；　yet　she　inspired　all　our　family　with　such　a

terror　regarding　the　mysteries　of　Jachin　and　Boaz；　that

none　of　our　family　have　ever　since　joined　the　Society；　or

worn　the　dreadful　Masonic　insignia。



It　is　known　that　Orpheus　was　torn　to　pieces　by　some

justly　indignant　Thracian　ladies　for　belonging　to　an

Harmonic　Lodge。　　'Let　him　go　back　to　Eurydice；'　they

said；　'whom　he　is　pretending　to　regret　so。'　　But　the

history　is　given　in　Dr。　Lempriere's　elegant　dictionary　in

a　manner　much　more　forcible　than　any

this　feeble　pen　can　attempt。　　At　once；　then；　and　without

verbiage；　let　us　take　up　this　subject…matter　of　Clubs。



Clubs　ought　not；　in　my　mind；　to　be　permitted　to

bachelors。　　If　my　friend　of　the　Cuttykilts　had　not　our

club；　the　'Union　Jack；'　to　go　to　（I　belong　to　the　'U。J。

and　nine　other　similar　institutions）；　who　knows　but　he

never　would　be　a　bachelor　at　this　present　moment？

Instead　of　being　made　comfortable；　and　cockered　up　with

every　luxury；　as　they　are　at　Clubs；　bachelors　ought　to　be

rendered　profoundly　miserable；　in　my　opinion。　　Every

encouragement　should　be　given　to　the　rendering　their

spare　time　disagreeable。　　There　can　be　no　more　odious

object；　according　to　my　sentiments；　than　young　Smith　in

the　pride　of　health；　commanding　his　dinner　of　three

courses；　than　middle…aged　Jones　wallowing　（as　I　may　say）

in　an　easy　padded　arm…chair；　over　the　delicious　novel　or

brilliant　magazine；　or　than　old　Brown；　that　selfish　old

reprobate　for　whom　mere　literature　has　no　charms；

stretched　on　the　best　sofa；　sitting　on　the　second　edition

of　THE　TIMES；　having　the　MORNING　CHRONICLE　between　his

knees；　the　HERALD　pushed　in　between　his　coat　and

waistcoat；　the　STANDARD　under　his　arm；　the　GLOBE　under

the　other　pinion；　and　the　DAILY　NEWS　in　perusal。　　'I'll

trouble　you　for　PUNCH；　Mr。　Wiggins'　says　the

unconscionable　old　gormandiser；　interrupting　our　friend；

who　is　laughing　over　the　periodical　in　question。



This　kind　of　selfishness　ought　not　to　be。　　No；　no。　　Young

Smith；　instead　of　his　dinner　and　his　wine；　ought　to　be；

where？at　the　festive　tea…table；　to　be　sure；　by　the　side

of　Miss　Higgs；　sipping　the　bohea；　or　tasting　the　harmless

muffin；　while　old　Mrs。　Higgs　looks　on；　pleased　at　their

innocent　dalliance；　and　my　friend　Miss　Wirt；　the

governess；　is　performing　Thalberg's　last　sonata　in　treble

X。；　totally　unheeded；　at　the　piano。



Where　should　the　middle…aged　Jones　be？　　At　his　time　of

life；　he　ought　to　be　the　father　of　a　family。　　At　such　an

hoursay；　at　nine　o'clock　at　nightthe　nursery…bell

should　have　just　rung　the　children　to　bed。　　He　and　Mrs。

J。　ought　to　be；　by　rights；　seated　on　each　side　of　the

fire　by　the　dining…room　table；　a　bottle　of　port…wine

between　them；　not　so　full　as　it　was　an　hour　since。　　Mrs。

J。　has　had　two　glasses；　Mrs。　Grumble　（Jones's　mother…in…

law）　has　had　three；　Jones　himself　has　finished　the　r