2 new moon新月-第36章

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Mike　groaned　in　the　backseat；　and　threw　up　in　the　bucket。　I　grimaced；　hoping　my　own　stomach　could　
stand　the　sound　and　smell。　Jacob　checked　anxiously　over　his　shoulder　to　make　sure　his　car　wasn't　
defiled。　

The　road　felt　longer　on　the　way　back。　

Jacob　was　quiet；　thoughtful。　He　left　his　arm　around　me；　and　it　was　so　warm　that　the　cold　wind　felt　good。　

I　stared　out　the　windshield；　consumed　with　guilt。　

It　was　so　wrong　to　encourage　Jacob。　Pure　selfishness。　It　didn't　matter　that　I'd　tried　to　make　my　position　
clear。　If　he　felt　any　hope　at　all　that　this　could　turn　into　something　other　than　friendship；　then　I　hadn't　been　
clear　enough。　

How　could　I　explain　so　that　he　would　understand？　I　was　an　empty　shell。　Like　a　vacant　
house—condemned—for　months　I'd　been　utterly　uninhabitable。　Now　I　was　a　little　improved。　The　front　
room　was　in　better　repair。　But　that　was　all—just　the　one　small　piece。　He　deserved　better　than　
that—better　than　a　one…room；　falling…down　fixer…upper。　No　amount　of　investment　on　his　part　could　put　
me　back　in　working　order。　

Yet　I　knew　that　I　wouldn't　send　him　away；　regardless。　I　needed　him　too　much；　and　I　was　selfish。　Maybe　
I　could　make　my　side　more　clear；　so　that　he　would　know　to　leave　me。　The　thought　made　me　shudder；　
and　Jacob　tightened　his　arm　around　me。　

I　drove　Mike　home　in　his　Suburban；　while　Jacob　followed　behind　us　to　take　me　home。　Jacob　was　quiet　
all　the　way　back　to　my　house；　and　I　wondered　if　he　were　thinking　the　same　things　that　I　was。　Maybe　he　
was　changing　his　mind。　

〃I　would　invite　myself　in；　since　we're　early；〃　he　said　as　we　pulled　up　next　to　my　truck。　〃But　I　think　you　
might　be　right　about　the　fever。　I'm　starting　to　feel　a　little…　strange。〃　

〃Oh　no；　not　you；　too！　Do　you　want　me　to　drive　you　home？〃　

〃No。〃　He　shook　his　head；　his　eyebrows　pulling　together。　〃I　don't　feel　sick　yet。　Just…　wrong。　If　I　have　to；　
I'll　pull　over。〃　

〃Will　you　call　me　as　soon　as　you　get　in？〃　I　asked　anxiously。　

〃Sure；　sure。〃　He　frowned；　staring　ahead　into　the　darkness　and　biting　his　lip。　

I　opened　my　door　to　get　out；　but　he　grabbed　my　wrist　lightly　and　held　me　there。　I　noticed　again　how　hot　
his　skin　felt　on　mine。　

〃What　is　it；　Jake？〃　I　asked。　

〃There's　something　I　want　to　tell　you；　Bella…　but　I　think　it's　going　to　sound　kind　of　corny。〃　

I　sighed。　This　would　be　more　of　the　same　from　the　theater。　〃Go　ahead。〃　

〃It's　just　that；　I　know　how　you're　unhappy　a　lot。　And；　maybe　it　doesn't　help　anything；　but　I　wanted　you　to　
know　that　I'm　always　here。　I　won't　ever　let　you　down—I　promise　that　you　can　always　count　on　me。　
Wow；　that　does　sound　corny。　But　you　know　that；　right？　That　I　would　never；　ever　hurt　you？〃　

〃Yeah；　Jake。　I　know　that。　And　I　already　do　count　on　you；　probably　more　than　you　know。〃　

The　smile　broke　across　his　face　the　way　the　sunrise　set　the　clouds　on　fire；　and　I　wanted　to　cut　my　tongue　
out。　I　hadn't　said　one　word　that　was　a　lie；　but　I　should　have　lied。　The　truth　was　wrong；　it　would　hurt　him。　
I　would　let　him　down。　

A　strange　look　crossed　his　face。　〃I　really　think　I'd　better　go　home　now；〃　he　said。　

I　got　out　quickly。　

〃Call　me！〃　I　yelled　as　he　pulled　away。　

I　watched　him　go；　and　he　seemed　to　be　in　control　of　the　car；　at　least。　I　stared　at　the　empty　street　when　he　
was　gone；　feeling　a　little　sick　myself；　but　not　for　any　physical　reason。　

How　much　I　wished　that　Jacob　Black　had　been　born　my　brother；　my　flesh…and　…blood　brother；　so　that　I　
would　have　some　legitimate　claim　on　him　that　still　left　me　free　of　any　blame　now。　Heaven　knows　I　had　
never　wanted　to　use　Jacob；　but　I　couldn't　help　but　interpret　the　guilt　I　felt　now　to　mean　that　I　had。　

Even　more；　I　had　never　meant　to　love　him。　One　thing　I　truly　knew—knew　it　in　the　pit　of　my　stomach；　in　
the　center　of　my　bones；　knew　it　from　the　crown　of　my　head　to　the　soles　of　my　feet；　knew　it　deep　in　my　
empty　chest—was　how　love　gave　someone　the　power　to　break　you。　

I'd　been　broken　beyond　repair。　

But　I　needed　Jacob　now；　needed　him　like　a　drug。　I'd　used　him　as　a　crutch　for　too　long；　and　I　was　in　
deeper　than　I'd　planned　to　go　with　anyone　again。　Now　I　couldn't　bear　for　him　to　be　hurt；　and　I　couldn't　
keep　from　hurting　him；　either。　He　thought　time　and　patience　would　change　me；　and；　though　I　knew　he　
was　dead　wrong；　I　also　knew　that　I　would　let　him　try。　

He　was　my　best　friend。　I　would　always　love　him；　and　it　would　never；　ever　be　enough。　

I　went　inside　to　sit　by　the　phone　and　bite　my　nails。　

〃Movie　over　already？〃　Charlie　asked　in　surprise　when　I　came　in。　He　was　on　the　floor；　just　a　foot　from　the　
TV。　Must　be　an　exciting　game。　

〃Mike　got　sick；〃　I　explained。　〃Some　kind　of　stomach　flu。〃　

〃You　okay？〃　

〃I　feel　fine　now；〃　I　said　doubtfully。　Clearly；　I'd　been　exposed。　

I　leaned　against　the　kitchen　counter；　my　hand　inches　from　the　phone；　and　tried　to　wait　patiently。　I　thought　
of　the　strange　look　on　Jacob's　face　before　he　drove　away；　and　my　fingers　started　drumming　against　the　
counter。　I　should　have　insisted　on　driving　him　home。　

I　watched　the　clock　as　the　minutes　ticked　by　Ten。　Fifteen。　Even　when　I　was　driving；　it　took　only　fifteen　
minutes；　and　Jacob　drove　faster　than　I　did。　Eighteen　minutes。　I　picked　up　the　phone　and　dialed。　

It　rang　and　rang。　Maybe　Billy　was　asleep。　Maybe　I'd　dialed　wrong。　I　tried　again。　

On　the　eighth　ring；　just　as　I　was　about　to　hang　up；　Billy　answered。　

〃Hello？〃　he　asked。　His　voice　was　wary；　like　he　was　expecting　bad　news。　

〃Billy；　it's　me；　Bella—did　Jake　make　it　home　yet？　He　left　here　about　twenty　minutes　ago。〃　

〃He's　here；〃　Billy　said　tonelessly。　

〃He　was　supposed　to　call　me。〃　I　was　a　little　irritated。　〃He　was　getting　sick　when　he　left；　and　I　was　
worried。〃　

〃He　was…　too　sick　to　call。　He's　not　feeling　well　right　now。〃　Billy　sounded　distant。　I　realized　he　must　want　
to　be　with　Jacob。　

〃Let　me　know　if　you　need　any　help；〃　I　offered。　〃I　could　come　down。〃　I　thought　of　Billy；　stuck　in　his　chair；　
and　Jake　fending　for　himself…　

〃No；　no；〃　Billy　said　quickly。　〃We're　fine。　Stay　at　your　place。〃　

The　way　he　said　it　was　almost　rude。　

〃Okay；〃　I　agreed。　

〃Bye；　Bella。〃　

The　line　disconnected。　

〃Bye；〃　I　muttered。　

Well；　at　least　he'd　made　it　home。　Oddly；　I　didn't　feel　less　worried。　I　trudged　up　the　stairs；　fretting。　Maybe　
I　would　go　down　before　work　tomorrow　to　check　on　him。　I　could　take　soup—we　had　to　have　a　can　of　
Campbell's　around　here　somewhere。　

I　realized　all　such　plans　were　canceled　when　I　woke　up　early—my　clock　said　four　thirty—and　sprinted　to　
the　bathroom。　Charlie　found　me　there　a　half　hour　later；　lying　on　the　floor；　my　cheek　pressed　against　the　
cold　edge　of　the　bathtub。　

He　looked　at　me　for　a　long　moment。　

〃Stomach　flu；〃　he　finally　said。　

〃Yes；〃　I　moaned。　

〃You　need　something？〃　he　asked。　

〃Call　the　Newtons　for　me；　please；〃　I　instructed　hoarsely。　〃Tell　them　I　have　what　Mike　has；　and　that　I　
can't　make　it　in　today。　Tell　them　I'm　sorry。〃　

〃Sure；　no　problem；〃　Charlie　assured　me。　

I　spent　the　rest　of　the　day　on　the　bathroom　floor；　sleeping　for　a　few　hours　with　my　head　on　a　crumpled　
up　towel。　Charlie　claimed　that　he　had　to　work；　but　I　suspected　that　he　just　wanted　access　to　a　bathroom。　
He　left　a　glass　of　water　on　the　floor　beside　me　to　keep　me　hydrated。　

It　woke　me　up　when　he　came　back　home。　I　could　see　that　it　was　dark　in　my　room—after　nightfall。　He　
clumped　up　the　stairs　to　check　on　me。　

〃Stillalive？〃　

〃Sort　of；〃　I　said。　

〃Do　you　want　anything？〃　

〃No；　thanks。〃　

He　hesitated；　clearly　out　of　his　element。　〃Okay；　then；〃　he　said；　and　then　he　went　back　down　to　the　
kitchen。　

I　heard　the　phone　ring　a　few　minutes　later。　Charlie　spoke　to　someone　in　a　low　voice　for　a　moment；　and　
then　hung　up。　

〃Mike　feels　better；〃　he　called　up　to　me。　

Well；　that　was　encouraging。　He'd　only　gotten　sick　eight　hours　or　so　before　me。　Eight　more　hours。　The　
thought　made　my　stomach　turn；　and　I　pulled　myself　up　to　lean　over　the　toilet。　

I　fell　asleep　on　the　towel　again；　but　when　I　woke　up　I　was　in　my　bed　and　it　was　light　outside　my　window。　
I　didn't　remember　moving；　Charlie　must　have　carried　me　to　my　room—he'd　also　put　the　glass　of　water　on　
my　bedside　ta