2 new moon新月-第7章

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rummaged　in　his　bag　for　new　tools；　and　I　tried　not　to　picture　a　needle　and　thread。　

〃You　try　very　hard　to　make　up　for　something　that　was　never　your　fault；〃　I　suggested　while　a　new　kind　of　
tugging　started　at　the　edges　of　my　skin。　〃What　I　mean　is；　it's　not　like　you　asked　for　this。　You　didn't　
choose　this　kind　of　life；　and　yet　you　have　to　work　so　hard　to　be　good。〃　

〃I　don't　know　that　I'm　making　up　for　anything；〃　he　disagreed　lightly。　〃Like　everything　in　life；　I　just　had　to　
decide　what　to　do　with　what　I　was　given。〃　

〃That　makes　it　sound　too　easy。〃　

He　examined　my　arm　again。　〃There；〃　he　said；　snipping　a　thread。　〃All　done。〃　He　wiped　an　oversized　
Q…tip；　dripping　with　some　syrup…colored　liquid；　thoroughly　across　the　operation　site。　The　smell　was　
strange；　it　made　my　head　spin。　The　syrup　stained　my　skin。　

〃In　the　beginning；　though；〃　I　pressed　while　he　taped　another　long　piece　of　gauze　securely　in　place；　sealing　
it　to　my　skin。　〃Why　did　you　even　think　to　try　a　different　way　than　the　obvious　one？〃　

His　lips　turned　up　in　a　private　smile。　〃Hasn't　Edward　told　you　this　story？〃　

〃Yes。　But　I'm　trying　to　understand　what　you　were　thinking…〃　

His　face　was　suddenly　serious　again；　and　I　wondered　if　his　thoughts　had　gone　to　the　same　place　that　mine　
had。　Wondering　what　I　would　be　thinking　when—I　refused　to　think　if—it　was　me。　

〃You　know　my　father　was　a　clergyman；〃　he　mused　as　he　cleaned　the　table　carefully；　rubbing　everything　
down　with　wet　gauze；　and　then　doing　it　again。　The　smell　of　alcohol　burned　in　my　nose。　〃He　had　a　rather　
harsh　view　of　the　world；　which　I　was　already　beginning　to　question　before　the　time　that　I　changed。〃　
Carlisle　put　all　the　dirty　gauze　and　the　glass　slivers　into　an　empty　crystal　bowl。　I　didn't　understand　what　he　
was　doing；　even　when　he　lit　the　match。　Then　he　threw　it　onto　the　alcohol…soaked　fibers；　and　the　sudden　
blaze　made　me　jump。　

〃Sorry；〃　he　apologized。　〃That　ought　to　do　it…　So　I　didn't　agree　with　my　father's　particular　brand　of　faith。　
But　never；　in　the　nearly　four　hundred　years　now　since　I　was　born；　have　I　ever　seen　anything　to　make　me　
doubt　whether　God　exists　in　some　form　or　the　other。　Not　even　the　reflection　in　the　mirror。〃　

I　pretended　to　examine　the　dressing　on　my　arm　to　hide　my　surprise　at　the　direction　our　conversation　had　
taken。　Religion　was　the　last　thing　I　expected；　all　things　considered。　My　own　life　was　fairly　devoid　of　
belief。　Charlie　considered　himself　a　Lutheran；　because　that's　what　his　parents　had　been；　but　Sundays　he　
worshipped　by　the　river　with　a　fishing　pole　in　his　hand。　Renee　tried　out　a　church　now　and　then；　but；　much　
like　her　brief　affairs　with　tennis；　pottery；　yoga；　and　French　classes；　she　moved　on　by　the　time　I　was　
aware　of　her　newest　fad。　

〃I'm　sure　all　this　sounds　a　little　bizarre；　coming　from　a　vampire。〃　He　grinned；　knowing　how　their　casual　
use　of　that　word　never　failed　to　shock　me。　〃But　I'm　hoping　that　there　is　still　a　point　to　this　life；　even　for　us。　
It's　a　long　shot；　I'll　admit；〃　he　continued　in　an　offhand　voice。　〃By　all　accounts；　we're　damned　regardless。　
But　I　hope；　maybe　foolishly；　that　we'll　get　some　measure　of　credit　for　trying。〃　

〃I　don't　think　that's　foolish；〃　I　mumbled。　I　couldn't　imagine　anyone；　deity　included；　who　wouldn't　be　
impressed　by　Carlisle。　Besides；　the　only　kind　of　heaven　I　could　appreciate　would　have　to　include　
Edward。　〃And　I　don't　think　anyone　else　would；　either。〃　

〃Actually；　you're　the　very　first　one　to　agree　with　me。〃　

〃The　rest　of　them　don't　feel　the　same？〃　I　asked；　surprised；　thinking　of　only　one　person　in　particular。　

Carlisle　guessed　the　direction　of　my　thoughts　again。　〃Edward's　with　me　up　to　a　point。　God　and　heaven　
exist…　and　so　does　hell。　But　he　doesn't　believe　there　is　an　afterlife　for　our　kind。〃　Carlisle's　voice　was　
very　soft；　he　stared　out　the　big　window　over　the　sink；　into　the　darkness。　〃You　see；　he　thinks　we've　lost　
our　souls。〃　

I　immediately　thought　of　Edward's　words　this　afternoon：　unless　you　want　to　die—or　whatever　it　is　
that　we　do。　The　lightbulb　flicked　on　over　my　head。　

〃That's　the　real　problem；　isn't　it？〃　I　guessed。　〃That's　why　he's　being　so　difficult　about　me。〃　

Carlisle　spoke　slowly。　〃I　look　at　my…　son。　His　strength；　his　goodness；　the　brightness　that　shines　out　of　
him—and　it　only　fuels　that　hope；　that　faith；　more　than　ever。　How　could　there　not　be　more　for　one　such　as　
Edward？〃　

I　nodded　in　fervent　agreement。　

〃But　if　I　believed　as　he　does…〃　He　looked　down　at　me　with　unfathomable　eyes。　〃If　you　believed　as　he　
did。　Could　you　take　away　his　soul？〃　

The　way　he　phrased　the　question　thwarted　my　answer。　

If　he'd　asked　me　whether　I　would　risk　my　soul　for　Edward；　the　reply　would　be　obvious。　But　would　I　risk　
Edward's　soul？　I　pursed　my　lips　unhappily。　That　wasn't　a　fair　exchange。　

〃You　see　the　problem。〃　

I　shook　my　head；　aware　of　the　stubborn　set　of　my　chin。　

Carlisle　sighed。　

〃It's　my　choice；〃　I　insisted。　

〃It's　his；　too。〃　He　held　up　his　hand　when　he　could　see　that　I　was　about　to　argue。　〃Whether　he　is　
responsible　for　doing　that　to　you。〃　

〃He's　not　the　only　one　able　to　do　it。〃　I　eyed　Carlisle　speculatively。　

He　laughed；　abruptly　lightening　the　mood。　〃Oh；　no！　You're　going　to　have　to　work　this　out　with　him。〃But　
then　he　sighed。　〃That's　the　one　part　I　can　never　be　sure　of。　I　think；　in　most　other　ways；　that　I've　done　the　
best　I　could　with　what　I　had　to　work　with。　But　was　it　right　to　doom　the　others　to　this　life？　I　can't　decide。〃　

I　didn't　answer。　I　imagined　what　my　life　would　be　like　if　Carlisle　had　resisted　the　temptation　to　change　his　
lonely　existence…　and　shuddered。　

〃It　was　Edward's　mother　who　made　up　my　mind。〃　Carlisle's　voice　was　almost　a　whisper。　He　stared　
unseeingly　out　the　black　windows。　

〃His　mother？〃　Whenever　I'd　asked　Edward　about　his　parents；　he　would　merely　say　that　they　had　died　
long　ago；　and　his　memories　were　vague。　I　realized　Carlisle's　memory　of　them；　despite　the　brevity　of　their　
contact；　would　be　perfectly　clear。　

〃Yes。　Her　name　was　Elizabeth。　Elizabeth　Masen。　His　father；　Edward　Senior；　never　regained　
consciousness　in　the　hospital。　He　died　in　the　first　wave　of　the　influenza。　But　Elizabeth　was　alert　until　
almost　the　very　end。　Edward　looks　a　great　deal　like　her—she　had　that　same　strange　bronze　shade　to　her　
hair；　and　her　eyes　were　exactly　the　same　color　green。〃　

〃His　eyes　were　green？〃　I　murmured；　trying　to　picture　it。　

〃Yes…〃　Carlisle's　ocher　eyes　were　a　hundred　years　away　now。　〃Elizabeth　worried　obsessively　over　her　
son。　She　hurt　her　own　chances　of　survival　trying　to　nurse　him　from　her　sickbed。　I　expected　that　he　would　
go　first；　he　was　so　much　worse　off　than　she　was。　When　the　end　came　for　her；　it　was　very　quick。　It　was　
just　after　sunset；　and　I'd　arrived　to　relieve　the　doctors　who'd　been　working　all　day。　That　was　a　hard　time　
to　pretend—there　was　so　much　work　to　be　done；　and　I　had　no　need　of　rest。　How　I　hated　to　go　back　to　
my　house；　to　hide　in　the　dark　and　pretend　to　sleep　while　so　many　were　dying。　

〃I　went　to　check　Elizabeth　and　her　son　first。　I'd　grown　attached—always　a　dangerous　thing　to　do　
considering　the　fragile　nature　of　humans。　I　could　see　at　once　that　she'd　taken　a　bad　turn。　The　fever　was　
raging　out　of　control；　and　her　body　was　too　weak　to　fight　anymore。　

〃She　didn't　look　weak；　though；　when　she　glared　up　at　me　from　her　cot。　

〃Save　him！'　she　commanded　me　in　the　hoarse　voice　that　was　all　her　throat　could　manage。　

〃I'll　do　everything　in　my　power；'　I　promised　her；　taking　her　hand。　The　fever　was　so　high；　she　probably　
couldn't　even　tell　how　unnaturally　cold　mine　felt。　Everything　felt　cold　to　her　skin。　

〃You　must；〃　she　insisted；　clutching　at　my　hand　with　enough　strength　that　I　wondered　if　she　wouldn't　pull　
through　the　crisis　after　all。　Her　eyes　were　hard；　like　stones；　like　emeralds。　'You　must　do　everything　in　
your　power。　What　others　cannot　do；　that　is　what　you　must　do　for　my　Edward。〃　

〃It　frightened　me。　She　looked　it　me　with　those　piercing　eyes；　and；　for　one　instant；　I　felt　certain　that　she　
knew　my　secret。　Then　the　fever　overwhelmed　her；　and　she　never　regained　consciousness。　She　died　
within　an　hour　of　making　her　demand。