burlesques-第24章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！



A　DOGGRIL　BALLIT　impewted　to　her？　　I　say　IMPEWTED；　because；　in　MY

time　at　least；　Mary　Hann　could　only　sign　her　＋　mark　（has　I've

hoften　witnist　it　for　her　when　she　paid　hin　at　the　Savings　Bank）；

and　has　for　SACRIFICING　TO　THE　MEWSES　and　making　POATRY；　she　was　as

HINCAPIBLE　as　Mr。　Wakley　himself。



〃With　respect　to　the　ballit；　my　baleaf　is；　that　it　is　wrote　by　a

footman　in　a　low　famly；　a　pore　retch　who　attempted　to　rivle　me　in

my　affections　to　Mary　Hanna　feller　not　five　foot　six；　and　with　no

more　calves　to　his　legs　than　a　donkeywho　was　always　a…ritin

（having　been　a　doctor's　boy）　and　who　I　nockt　down　with　a　pint　of

porter　（as　he　well　recklex）　at　the　3　Tuns　Jerming　Street；　for

daring　to　try　to　make　a　but　of　me。　　He　has　signed　Miss　H's　name　to

his　NONSINCE　AND　LIES：　and　you　lay　yourself　hopen　to　a　haction　for

libel　for　insutting　them　in　your　paper。



〃It　is　false　that　I　have　treated　Miss　H。　hill　in　HANY　way。　　That　I

borrowed　20lb　of　her　is　TREW。　　But　she　confesses　I　paid　it　back。

Can　hall　people　say　as　much　of　the　money　THEY'VE　lent　or　borrowed？

No。　　And　I　not　only　paid　it　back；　but　giv　her　the　andsomest

pres'nts：　WHICH　I　NEVER　SHOULD　HAVE　ALLUDED　TO；　but　for　this

attack。　　Fust；　a　silver　thimble　（which　I　found　in　Missus's　work…

box）；　secknd；　a　vollom　of　Byrom's　poems；　third；　I　halways　brought

her　a　glas　of　Curasore；　when　we　ad　a　party；　of　which　she　was

remarkable　fond。　　I　treated　her　to　Hashley's　twice；　（and　halways　a

srimp　or　a　hoyster　by　the　way；）　and　a　THOWSND　DELIGIT　ATTENTIONS；

which　I　sapose　count　for　NOTHINK。



〃Has　for　marridge。　　Haltered　suckmstancies　rendered　it　himpossable。

I　was　gone　into　a　new　spear　of　lifemingling　with　my　native

aristoxy。　　I　breathe　no　sallible　of　blame　against　Miss　H。；　but　his

a　hilliterit　cookmaid　fit　to　set　at　a　fashnable　table？　　Do　young

fellers　of　rank　genrally　marry　out　of　the　Kitching？　　If　we　cast　our

i's　upon　a　low…born　gal；　I　needn　say　it's　only　a　tempory

distraction；　pore　passy　le　tong。　　So　much　for　HER　claims　upon　me。

Has　for　THAT　BEEST　OF　A　DOCTOR'S　BOY　he's　unwuthy　the　notas　of　a

Gentleman。



〃That　I've　one　thirty　thousand　lb；　AND　PRAPS　MORE；　I　dont　deny。　　Ow

much　has　the　Kilossus　of　Railroads　one；　I　should　like　to　know；　and

what　was　his　cappitle？　　I　hentered　the　market　with　20lb；　specklated

Jewdicious；　and　ham　what　I　ham。　　So　may　you　be　（if　you　have　20lb；

and　praps　you　haven't）So　may　you　be：　if　you　choose　to　go　in　&

win。



〃I　for　my　part　am　jusly　PROWD　of　my　suxess；　and　could　give　you　a

hundred　instances　of　my　gratatude。　　For　igsample；　the　fust　pair　of

hosses　I　bought　（and　a　better　pair　of　steppers　I　dafy　you　to　see　in

hany　curracle；）　I　crisn'd　Hull　and　Selby；　in　grateful　elusion　to　my

transackshns　in　that　railroad。　　My　riding　Cob　I　called　very

unhaptly　my　Dublin　and　Galway。　　He　came　down　with　me　the　other　day；

and　I've　jest　sold　him　at　1/4　discount。



〃At　fust　with　prudence　and　modration　I　only　kep　two　grooms　for　my

stables；　one　of　whom　lickwise　waited　on　me　at　table。　　I　have　now　a

confidenshle　servant；　a　vally　de　shamberHe　curls　my　air；　inspex

my　accounts；　and　hansers　my　hinvitations　to　dinner。　　I　call　this

Vally　my　TRENT　VALLY；　for　it　was　the　prophit　I　got　from　that　exlent

line；　which　injuiced　me　to　ingage　him。



〃Besides　my　North　British　Plate　and　Breakfast　equipidgeI　have　two

handsom　suvvices　for　dinnerthe　goold　plate　for　Sundays；　and　the

silver　for　common　use。　　When　I　ave　a　great　party；　'Trent；'　I　say　to

my　man；　'we　will　have　the　London　and　Bummingham　plate　to…day　（the

goold）；　or　else　the　Manchester　and　Leeds　（the　silver）。'　　I　bought

them　after　realizing　on　the　abuf　lines；　and　if　people　suppose　that

the　companys　made　me　a　presnt　of　the　plate；　how　can　I　help　it？



〃In　the　sam　way　I　say；　'Trent；　bring　us　a　bottle　of　Bristol　amid

Hexeter！'　or；　'Put　some　Heastern　Counties　in　hice！'　　HE　knows　what

I　mean：　it's　the　wines　I　bought　upon　the　hospicious　tummination　of

my　connexshn　with　those　two　railroads。



〃So　strong；　indeed；　as　this　abbit　become；　that　being　asked　to　stand

Godfather　to　the　youngest　Miss　Diddle　last　weak；　I　had　her

christened　（provisionally）　Rosamellfrom　the　French　line　of　which

I　am　Director；　and　only　the　other　day；　finding　myself　rayther

unwell；　'Doctor；'　says　I　to　Sir　Jeames　Clark；　'I've　sent　to　consult

you　because　my　Midlands　are　out　of　horder；　and　I　want　you　to　send

them　up　to　a　premium。'　　The　Doctor　lafd；　and　I　beleave　told　the

story　subsquintly　at　Buckinum　P…ll…s。



〃But　I　will　trouble　you　no　father。　　My　sole　objict　in　writing　has

been　to　CLEAR　MY　CARRATERto　show　that　I　came　by　my　money　in　a

honrable　way：　that　I'm　not　ashaymd　of　the　manner　in　which　I　gayned

it；　and　ham　indeed　grateful　for　my　good　fortune。



〃To　conclude；　I　have　ad　my　podigree　maid　out　at　the　Erald　Hoffis　（I

don't　mean　the　Morning　Erald）；　and　have　took　for　my　arms　a　Stagg。

You　are　corrict　in　stating　that　I　am　of　hancient　Normin　famly。

This　is　more　than　Peal　can　say；　to　whomb　I　applied　for　a　barnetcy；

but　the　primmier　being　of　low　igstraction；　natrally　stickles　for

his　horder。　　Consurvative　though　I　be；　I　MAY　CHANGE　MY　OPINIONS

before　the　next　Election；　when　I　intend　to　hoffer　myself　as　a

Candydick　for　Parlymint。



〃Meanwhile；　I　have　the　honor　to　be；　Sir；



〃Your　most　obeajnt　Survnt；



〃FITZ…JAMES　DE　LA　PLUCHE。〃







THE　DIARY。





One　day　in　the　panic　week；　our　friend　Jeames　called　at　our　office；

evidently　in　great　perturbation　of　mind　and　disorder　of　dress。　　He

had　no　flower　in　his　button…hole；　his　yellow　kid　gloves　were

certainly　two　days　old。　　He　had　not　above　three　of　the　ten　chains

he　usually　sports；　and　his　great　coarse　knotty…knuckled　old　hands

were　deprived　of　some　dozen　of　the　rubies；　emeralds；　and　other

cameos　with　which；　since　his　elevation　to　fortune；　the　poor　fellow

has　thought　fit　to　adorn　himself。



〃How's　scrip；　Mr。　Jeames？〃　said　we　pleasantly；　greeting　our

esteemed　contributor。



〃Scrip　be　；〃　replied　he；　with　an　expression　we　cannot　repeat；

and　a　look　of　agony　it　is　impossible　to　describe　in　print；　and

walked　about　the　parlor　whistling；　humming；　rattling　his　keys　and

coppers；　and　showing　other　signs　of　agitation。　　At　last；　〃MR。

PUNCH；〃　says　he；　after　a　moment's　hesitation；　〃I　wish　to　speak　to

you　on　a　pint　of　businiss。　　I　wish　to　be　paid　for　my　contribewtions

to　your　paper。　　Suckmstances　is　altered　with　me。　　IIin　a　word；

CAN　you　lend　me　L。　for　the　account？〃



He　named　the　sum。　　It　was　one　so　great　that　we　don't　care　to

mention　it　here；　but　on　receiving　a　cheque　for　the　amount　（on

Messrs。　Pump　and　Aldgate；　our　bankers；）　tears　came　into　the　honest

fellow's　eyes。　　He　squeezed　our　hand　until　he　nearly　wrung　it　off；

and　shouting　to　a　cab；　he　plunged　into　it　at　our　office…door；　and

was　off　to　the　City。



Returning　to　our　study；　we　found　he　had　left　on　our　table　an　open

pocket…book；　of　the　contents　of　which　（for　the　sake　of　safety）　we

took　an　inventory。　　It　containedthree　tavern…bills；　paid；　a

tailor's　ditto；　unsettled；　forty…nine　allotments　in　different

companies；　twenty…six　thousand　seven　hundred　shares　in　all；　of

which　the　market　value　we　take；　on　an　average；　to　be　1/4　discount；

and　in　an　old　bit　of　paper　tied　with　pink　ribbon　a　lock　of　chestnut

hair；　with　the　initials　M。　A。　H。



In　the　diary　of　the　pocket…book　was　a　journal；　jotted　down　by　the

proprietor　from　time　to　time。　　At　first　the　entries　are

insignificant：　as；　for　instance：〃3rd　JanuaryOur　beer　in　the

Suvnts'　hall　so　PRECIOUS　small　at　this　Christmas　time　that　I　reely

MUSS　give　warning；　&　wood；　but　for　my　dear　Mary　Hann。〃　　February　7

That　broot　Screw；　the　Butler；　wanted　to　kis　her；　but　my　dear　Mary

Hann　boxt　his　hold　hears；　&　served　him　right。　　I　DATEST　Screw；〃

and　so　forth。　　Then　the　diary　relates　to　Stock　Exchange　operations；

until　we　come　to　the　time　when；　having　achieved　his　successes；　Mr。

James　quitted　Berkeley　Square　and　his　livery；　and　began　his　life　as

a　speculator　and　a　gentleman　upon　town。　　It　is　f