agnes grey(艾格尼丝·格累)-第48章
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her lip and knit her brows as if in anger。 When she had done； she
somewhat irreverently cast it on the table； saying with a scornful smile； …
'Your grandpapa has been so kind as to write to me。 He says he has no
doubt I have long repented of my 〃unfortunate marriage；〃 and if I will
only acknowledge this； and confess I was wrong in neglecting his advice；
and that I have justly suffered for it； he will make a lady of me once again
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… if that be possible after my long degradation … and remember my girls in
his will。 Get my desk； Agnes； and send these things away： I will
answer the letter directly。 But first； as I may be depriving you both of a
legacy； it is just that I should tell you what I mean to say。 I shall say that
he is mistaken in supposing that I can regret the birth of my daughters
（who have been the pride of my life； and are likely to be the comfort of my
old age）； or the thirty years I have passed in the company of my best and
dearest friend； … that； had our misfortunes been three times as great as they
were （unless they had been of my bringing on）； I should still the more
rejoice to have shared them with your father； and administered what
consolation I was able； and； had his sufferings in illness been ten times
what they wore； I could not regret having watched over and laboured to
relieve them； … that； if he had married a richer wife； misfortunes and trials
would no doubt have come upon him still； while I am egotist enough to
imagine that no other woman could have cheered him through them so
well： not that I am superior to the rest； but I was made for him； and he
for me； and I can no more repent the hours； days； years of happiness we
have spent together； and which neither could have had without the other；
than I can the privilege of having been his nurse in sickness； and his
comfort in affliction。
'Will this do； children？ … or shall I say we are all very sorry for what
has happened during the last thirty years； and my daughters wish they had
never been born； but since they have had that misfortune； they will be
thankful for any trifle their grandpapa will be kind enough to bestow？'
Of course； we both applauded our mother's resolution； Mary cleared
away the breakfast things； I brought the desk； the letter was quickly
written and despatched； and； from that day； we heard no more of our
grandfather； till we saw his death announced in the newspaper a
considerable time after … all his worldly possessions； of course； being left
to our wealthy unknown cousins。
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CHAPTER XX … THE
FAREWELL
A HOUSE in A…； the fashionable watering…place； was hired for our
seminary； and a promise of two or three pupils was obtained to commence
with。 I returned to Horton Lodge about the middle of July； leaving my
mother to conclude the bargain for the house； to obtain more pupils； to sell
off the furniture of our old abode； and to fit out the new one。
We often pity the poor； because they have no leisure to mourn their
departed relatives； and necessity obliges them to labour through their
severest afflictions： but is not active employment the best remedy for
overwhelming sorrow … the surest antidote for despair？ It may be a rough
comforter： it may seem hard to be harassed with the cares of life when
we have no relish for its enjoyments； to be goaded to labour when the
heart is ready to break； and the vexed spirit implores for rest only to weep
in silence： but is not labour better than the rest we covet？ and are not
those petty； tormenting cares less hurtful than a continual brooding over
the great affliction that oppresses us？ Besides； we cannot have cares； and
anxieties； and toil； without hope … if it be but the hope of fulfilling our
joyless task； accomplishing some needful project； or escaping some
further annoyance。 At any rate； I was glad my mother had so much
employment for every faculty of her action…loving frame。 Our kind
neighbours lamented that she； once so exalted in wealth and station；
should be reduced to such extremity in her time of sorrow； but I am
persuaded that she would have suffered thrice as much had she been left in
affluence； with liberty to remain in that house； the scene of her early
happiness and late affliction； and no stern necessity to prevent her from
incessantly brooding over and lamenting her bereavement。
I will not dilate upon the feelings with which I left the old house； the
well…known garden； the little village church … then doubly dear to me；
because my father； who； for thirty years； had taught and prayed within its
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walls； lay slumbering now beneath its flags … and the old bare hills；
delightful in their very desolation； with the narrow vales between； smiling
in green wood and sparkling water … the house where I was born； the scene
of all my early associations； the place where throughout life my earthly
affections had been centred； … and left them to return no more！ True； I was
going back to Horton Lodge； where； amid many evils； one source of
pleasure yet remained： but it was pleasure mingled with excessive pain；
and my stay； alas！ was limited to six weeks。 And even of that precious
time； day after day slipped by and I did not see him： except at church； I
never saw him for a fortnight after my return。 It seemed a long time to
me： and； as I was often out with my rambling pupil； of course hopes
would keep rising； and disappointments would ensue； and then； I would
say to my own heart； 'Here is a convincing proof … if you would but have
the sense to see it； or the candour to acknowledge it … that he does not care
for you。 If he only thought HALF as much about you as you do about
him； he would have contrived to meet you many times ere this： you must
know that； by consulting your own feelings。 Therefore； have done with
this nonsense： you have no ground for hope： dismiss； at once； these
hurtful thoughts and foolish wishes from your mind； and turn to your own
duty； and the dull blank life that lies before you。 You might have known
such happiness was not for you。'
But I saw him at last。 He came suddenly upon me as I was crossing a
field in returning from a visit to Nancy Brown； which I had taken the
opportunity of paying while Matilda Murray was riding her matchless
mare。 He must have heard of the heavy loss I had sustained： he
expressed no sympathy； offered no condolence： but almo
