the life of charlotte bronte-1-第31章
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hope he will； for you will strengthen my polluted petitions with your own pure requests。 All is bustle and confusion round me； the ladies pressing with their sums and their lessons 。 。 。 If you love me； DO； DO； DO come on Friday： I shall watch and wait for you； and if you disappoint me I shall weep。 I wish you could know the thrill of delight which I experienced； when； as I stood at the dining…room window； I saw …； as he whirled past； toss your little packet over the wall。〃
Huddersfield market…day was still the great period for events at Roe Head。 Then girls； running round the corner of the house and peeping between tree…stems； and up a shadowy lane； could catch a glimpse of a father or brother driving to market in his gig； might； perhaps； exchange a wave of the hand； or see； as Charlotte Bronte did from the window； a white packet tossed over the avail by come swift strong motion of an arm； the rest of the traveller's body unseen。
〃Weary with a day's hard work 。 。 。 I am sitting down to write a few lines to my dear E。 Excuse me if I say nothing but nonsense； for my mind is exhausted and dispirited。 It is a stormy evening； and the wind is uttering a continual moaning sound； that makes me feel very melancholy。 At such timesin such moods as theseit is my nature to seek repose in some calm tranquil idea； and I have now summoned up your image to give me rest。 There you sit； upright and still in your black dress； and white scarf； and pale marble…like facejust like reality。 I wish you would speak to me。 If we should be separatedif it should be our lot to live at a great distance； and never to see each other againin old age； how I should conjure up the memory of my youthful days； and what a melancholy pleasure I should feel in dwelling on the recollection of my early friend！ 。 。 。 I have some qualities that make me very miserable； some feelings that you can have no participation in that few； very few； people in the world can at all understand。 I don't pride myself on these peculiarities。 I strive to conceal and suppress them as much as I can； but they burst out sometimes； and then those who see the explosion despise me； and I hate myself for days afterwards 。 。 。 I have just received your epistle and what accompanied it。 I can't tell what should induce you and your sisters to waste your kindness on such a one as me。 I'm obliged to them； and I hope you'll tell them so。 I'm obliged to you also； more for your note than for your present。 The first gave me pleasure； the last something like pain。〃
The nervous disturbance； which is stated to have troubled her while she was at Miss W…'s； seems to have begun to distress her about this time； at least； she herself speaks of her irritable condition； which was certainly only a temporary ailment。
〃You have been very kind to me of late； and have spared me all those little sallies of ridicule； which； owing to my miserable and wretched touchiness of character； used formerly to make me wince； as if I had been touched with a hot iron； things that nobody else cares for； enter into my mind and rankle there like venom。 I know these feelings are absurd； and therefore I try to hide them； but they only sting the deeper for concealment。〃
Compare this state of mind with the gentle resignation with which she had submitted to be put aside as useless； or told of her ugliness by her schoolfellows； only three years before。
〃My life since I saw you has passed as monotonously and unbroken as ever； nothing but teach； teach； teach； from morning till night。 The greatest variety I ever have is afforded by a letter from you； or by meeting with a pleasant new book。 The 'Life of Oberlin；' and 'Leigh Richmond's Domestic Portraiture；' are the last of this description。 The latter work strongly attracted and strangely fascinated my attention。 Beg； borrow； or steal it without delay； and read the 'Memoir of Wilberforce；'that short record of a brief uneventful life； I shall never forget it； it is beautiful； not on account of the language in which it is written； not on account of the incidents it details； but because of the simple narrative it gives of a young talented sincere Christian。〃
About this time Miss W… removed her school from the fine； open； breezy situation of Roe Head； to Dewsbury Moor； only two or three miles distant。 Her new residence was on a lower site； and the air was less exhilarating to one bred in the wild hill…village of Haworth。 Emily had gone as teacher to a school at Halifax； where there were nearly forty pupils。
〃I have had one letter from her since her departure；〃 writes Charlotte； on October 2nd； 1836： 〃it gives an appalling account of her duties； hard labour from six in the morning to eleven at night； with only one half…hour of exercise between。 This is slavery。 I fear she can never stand it。〃
When the sisters met at home in the Christmas holidays； they talked over their lives； and the prospect which they afforded of employment and remuneration。 They felt that it was a duty to relieve their father of the burden of their support； if not entirely； or that of all three； at least that of one or two； and； naturally； the lot devolved upon the elder ones to find some occupation which would enable them to do this。 They knew that they were never likely to inherit much money。 Mr。 Bronte had but a small stipend； and was both charitable and liberal。 Their aunt had an annuity of 50L。； but it reverted to others at her death； and her nieces had no right； and were the last persons in the world to reckon upon her savings。 What could they do？ Charlotte and Emily were trying teaching； and； as it seemed； without much success。 The former； it is true； had the happiness of having a friend for her employer； and of being surrounded by those who knew her and loved her； but her salary was too small for her to save out of it； and her education did not entitle her to a larger。 The sedentary and monotonous nature of the life； too； was preying upon her health and spirits； although； with necessity 〃as her mistress；〃 she might hardly like to acknowledge this even to herself。 But Emilythat free； wild； untameable spirit； never happy nor well but on the sweeping moors that gathered round her homethat hater of strangers； doomed to live amongst them； and not merely to live but to slave in their servicewhat Charlotte could have borne patiently for herself； she could not bear for her sister。 And yet what to do？ She had once hoped that she herself might become an artist； and so earn her livelihood； but her eyes had failed her in the minute and useless labour which she had imposed upon herself with a view to this end。
It was the household custom among these girls to sew till nine o'clock at night。 At that hour； Miss Branwell generally went to bed； and her nieces' duties for the day were accounted done。 They put away their work； and began to pace the room backwards and forwards； up and down；as often with the candles extinguished； for economy's sake； as not；their figures glancing into the fire… light； and out into the shadow； perpetually。 At this time； they talked over past cares and troubles； they planned for the future； and consulted each other as to their plans。 In after years this was the time for discussing together the plots of their novels。 And again； still later； this was the time for the last surviving sister to walk alone； from old accustomed habit； round and round the desolate room； thinking sadly upon the 〃days that were no more。〃 But this Christmas of 1836 was not without its hopes and daring aspirations。 They had tried their hands at story…writing； in their miniature magazine； long ago； they all of them 〃made out〃 perpetually。 They had likewise attempted to write poetry； and had a modest confidence that they had achieved a tolerable success。 But they knew that they might deceive themselves； and that sisters' judgments of each other's productions were likely to be too partial to be depended upon。 So Charlotte； as the eldest； resolved to write to Southey。 I believe （from an expression in a letter to be noticed hereafter）； that she also consulted Coleridge； but I have not met with any part of that correspondence。
On December 29th； her letter to Southey was despat
