the life of charlotte bronte-1-第44章

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ee　could　live　together；　and　maintain　themselves；　all　might　go　well。　　They　would　have　some　time　of　their　own；　in　which　to　try　again　and　yet　again　at　that　literary　career；　which；　in　spite　of　all　baffling　difficulties；　was　never　quite　set　aside　as　an　ultimate　object；　but　far　the　strongest　motive　with　Charlotte　was　the　conviction　that　Anne's　health　was　so　delicate　that　it　required　a　degree　of　tending　which　none　but　her　sister　could　give。　　Thus　she　wrote　during　those　midsummer　holidays。


〃Haworth；　July　18th；　1841。

〃We　waited　long　and　anxiously　for　you；　on　the　Thursday　that　you　promised　to　come。　　I　quite　wearied　my　eyes　with　watching　from　the　window；　eye…glass　in　hand；　and　sometimes　spectacles　on　nose。　However；　you　are　not　to　blame　。　。　。　and　as　to　disappointment；　why；　all　must　suffer　disappointment　at　some　period　or　other　of　their　lives。　　But　a　hundred　things　I　had　to　say　to　you　will　now　be　forgotten；　and　never　said。　　There　is　a　project　hatching　in　this　house；　which　both　Emily　and　I　anxiously　wished　to　discuss　with　you。　　The　project　is　yet　in　its　infancy；　hardly　peeping　from　its　shell；　and　whether　it　will　ever　come　out　a　fine　full…fledged　chicken；　or　will　turn　addle　and　die　before　it　cheeps；　is　one　of　those　considerations　that　are　but　dimly　revealed　by　the　oracles　of　futurity。　　Now；　don't　be　nonplussed　by　all　this　metaphorical　mystery。　　I　talk　of　a　plain　and　everyday　occurrence；　though；　in　Delphic　style；　I　wrap　up　the　information　in　figures　of　speech　concerning　eggs；　chickens　etceatera；　etcaeterorum。　　To　come　to　the　point：　　Papa　and　aunt　talk；　by　fits　and　starts；　of　ourid　est；　Emily；　Anne；　and　myselfcommencing　a　school！　　I　have　often；　you　know；　said　how　much　I　wished　such　a　thing；　but　I　never　could　conceive　where　the　capital　was　to　come　from　for　making　such　a　speculation。　　I　was　well　aware；　indeed；　that　aunt　had　money；　but　I　always　considered　that　she　was　the　last　person　who　would　offer　a　loan　for　the　purpose　in　question。　　A　loan；　however；　she　HAS　offered；　or　rather　intimates　that　she　perhaps　WILL　offer　in　case　pupils　can　be　secured；　an　eligible　situation　obtained；　&c。　　This　sounds　very　fair；　but　still　there　are　matters　to　be　considered　which　throw　something　of　a　damp　upon　the　scheme。　　I　do　not　expect　that　aunt　will　sink　more　than　150L。　in　such　a　venture；　and　would　it　be　possible　to　establish　a　respectable　（not　by　any　means　a　SHOWY）　school；　and　to　commence　housekeeping　with　a　capital　of　only　that　amount？　　Propound　the　question　to　your　sister；　if　you　think　she　can　answer　it；　if　not；　don't　say　a　word　on　the　subject。　　As　to　getting　into　debt；　that　is　a　thing　we　could　none　of　us　reconcile　our　mind　to　for　a　moment。　　We　do　not　care　how　modest；　how　humble　our　commencement　be；　so　it　be　made　on　sure　grounds；　and　have　a　safe　foundation。　　In　thinking　of　all　possible　and　impossible　places　where　we　could　establish　a　school；　I　have　thought　of　Burlington；　or　rather　of　the　neighbourhood　of　Burlington。　　Do　you　remember　whether　there　was　any　other　school　there　besides　that　of　Miss　…？　　This　is；　of　course；　a　perfectly　crude　and　random　idea。　There　are　a　hundred　reasons　why　it　should　be　an　impracticable　one。　We　have　no　connections；　no　acquaintances　there；　it　is　far　from　home；　&c。　　Still；　I　fancy　the　ground　in　the　East　Riding　is　less　fully　occupied　than　in　the　West。　　Much　inquiry　and　consideration　will　be　necessary；　of　course；　before　any　place　is　decided　on；　and　I　fear　much　time　will　elapse　before　any　plan　is　executed　。　。　。　Write　as　soon　as　you　can。　　I　shall　not　leave　my　present　situation　till　my　future　prospects　assume　a　more　fixed　and　definite　aspect。〃

A　fortnight　afterwards；　we　see　that　the　seed　has　been　sown　which　was　to　grow　up　into　a　plan　materially　influencing　her　future　life。


〃August　7th；　1841。

〃This　is　Saturday　evening；　I　have　put　the　children　to　bed；　now　I　am　going　to　sit　down　and　answer　your　letter。　　I　am　again　by　myselfhousekeeper　and　governessfor　Mr。　and　Mrs。are　staying　at　…。　　To　speak　truth；　though　I　am　solitary　while　they　are　away；　it　is　still　by　far　the　happiest　part　of　my　time。　　The　children　are　under　decent　control；　the　servants　are　very　observant　and　attentive　to　me；　and　the　occasional　absence　of　the　master　and　mistress　relieves　me　from　the　duty　of　always　endeavouring　to　seem　cheerful　and　conversable。　　Martha　…；　it　appears；　is　in　the　way　of　enjoying　great　advantages；　so　is　Mary；　for　you　will　be　surprised　to　hear　that　she　is　returning　immediately　to　the　Continent　with　her　brother；　not；　however；　to　stay　there；　but　to　take　a　month's　tour　and　recreation。　　I　have　had　a　long　letter　from　Mary；　and　a　packet　containing　a　present　of　a　very　handsome　black　silk　scarf；　and　a　pair　of　beautiful　kid　gloves；　bought　at　Brussels。　　Of　course；　I　was　in　one　sense　pleased　with　the　giftpleased　that　they　should　think　of　me　so　far　off；　amidst　the　excitements　of　one　of　the　most　splendid　capitals　of　Europe；　and　yet　it　felt　irksome　to　accept　it。　　I　should　think　Mary　and　Martha　have　not　more　than　sufficient　pocket…money　to　supply　themselves。　　I　wish　they　had　testified　their　regard　by　a　less　expensive　token。　　Mary's　letters　spoke　of　some　of　the　pictures　and　cathedrals　she　had　seen　pictures　the　most　exquisite；　cathedrals　the　most　venerable。　　I　hardly　know　what　swelled　to　my　throat　as　I　read　her　letter：　　such　a　vehement　impatience　of　restraint　and　steady　work；　such　a　strong　wish　for　wingswings　such　as　wealth　can　furnish；　such　an　urgent　thirst　to　see；　to　know；　to　learn；　something　internal　seemed　to　expand　bodily　for　a　minute。　　I　was　tantalised　by　the　consciousness　of　faculties　unexercised；then　all　collapsed；　and　I　despaired。　My　dear；　I　would　hardly　make　that　confession　to　any　one　but　yourself；　and　to　you；　rather　in　a　letter　than　VIVA　VOCE。　　These　rebellious　and　absurd　emotions　were　only　momentary；　I　quelled　them　in　five　minutes。　　I　hope　they　will　not　revive；　for　they　were　acutely　painful。　　No　further　steps　have　been　taken　about　the　project　I　mentioned　to　you；　nor　probably　will　be　for　the　present；　but　Emily；　and　Anne；　and　I；　keep　it　in　view。　　It　is　our　polar　star；　and　we　look　to　it　in　all　circumstances　of　despondency。　　I　begin　to　suspect　I　am　writing　in　a　strain　which　will　make　you　think　I　am　unhappy。　　This　is　far　from　being　the　case；　on　the　contrary；　I　know　my　place　is　a　favourable　one；　for　a　governess。　What　dismays　and　haunts　me　sometimes；　is　a　conviction　that　I　have　no　natural　knack　for　my　vocation。　　If　teaching　only　were　requisite；　it　would　be　smooth　and　easy；　but　it　is　the　living　in　other　people's　housesthe　estrangement　from　one's　real　character…　…the　adoption　of　a　cold；　rigid；　apathetic　exterior；　that　is　painful　。　。　。　You　will　not　mention　our　school　project　at　present。　A　project　not　actually　commenced　is　always　uncertain。　　Write　to　me　often；　my　dear　Nell；　you　KNOW　your　letters　are　valued。　　Your　'loving　child'　（as　you　choose　to　call　me　so）；

C。　B。

〃P。S。　　I　am　well　in　health；　don't　fancy　I　am　not；　but　I　have　one　aching　feeling　at　my　heart　（I　must　allude　to　it；　though　I　had　resolved　not　to）。　　It　is　about　Anne；　she　has　so　much　to　endure：　far；　far　more　than　I　ever　had。　　When　my　thoughts　turn　to　her；　they　always　see　her　as　a　patient；　persecuted　stranger。　　I　know　what　concealed　susceptibility　is　in　her　nature；　when　her　feelings　are　wounded。　　I　wish　I　could　be　with　her；　to　administer　a　little　balm。　She　is　more　lonelyless　gifted　with　the　power　of　making　friends；　even　than　I　am。　　'Drop　the　subject。'〃

She　could　bear　much　for　herself；　but　she　could　not　patiently　bear　the　sorrows　of　others；　especially　of　her　sisters；　and　again；　of　the　two　sisters；　the　idea　of　the　little；　gentle；　youngest　suffering　in　lonely　patience；　was　insupportable　to　her。　　Something　must　be　done。　　No　matter　if　the　desired　end　were　far　away；　all　time　was　lost　in　which　she　was　not　making　progress；　however　slow；　towards　it。　　To　have　a　school；　was　to　have　some　portion　of　daily　leisure；　uncontrolled　but　by　her　own　sense　of　duty；　it　was　for　the　three　sisters；　loving　each　other　with　so　passionate　an　affection；　to　be　together　under　one　roof；　and　yet　earning　their　own　subsistence；　above　all；　it　was　to　have　the　power　of　watching　over　these　two　whose　life　and　happiness　were　ever　to　Charlotte　far　more　than　her　own。　　But　no　trembling　impatience　should　lead　her　to　take　an　unwise　step　in　haste。　　She　inqu