the life of charlotte bronte-1-第57章

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ard　of　what　was　in　agitation；　sent　for　me　the　day　after；　and　pronounced　with　vehemence　his　decision；　that　I　should　not　leave。　I　could　not；　at　that　time；　have　persevered　in　my　intention　without　exciting　him　to　anger；　so　I　promised　to　stay　a　little　while　longer。　　How　long　that　will　be；　I　do　not　know。　　I　should　not　like　to　return　to　England　to　do　nothing。　　I　am　too　old　for　that　now；　but　if　I　could　hear　of　a　favourable　opportunity　for　commencing　a　school；　I　think　I　should　embrace　it。　　We　have　as　yet　no　fires　here；　and　I　suffer　much　from　cold；　otherwise；　I　am　well　in　health。　Mr。will　take　this　letter　to　England。　　He　is　a　pretty…looking　and　pretty　behaved　young　man；　apparently　constructed　without　a　back…　bone；　by　which　I　don't　allude　to　his　corporal　spine；　which　is　all　right　enough；　but　to　his　character。

〃I　get　on　here　after　a　fashion；　but　now　that　Mary　D。　has　left　Brussels；　I　have　nobody　to　speak　to；　for　I　count　the　Belgians　as　nothing。　　Sometimes　I　ask　myself　how　long　shall　I　stay　here；　but　as　yet　I　have　only　asked　the　question；　I　have　not　answered　it。　However；　when　I　have　acquired　as　much　German　as　I　think　fit；　I　think　I　shall　pack　up　bag　and　baggage　and　depart。　　Twinges　of　homesickness　cut　me　to　the　heart；　every　now　and　then。　　To…day　the　weather　is　glaring；　and　I　am　stupified　with　a　bad　cold　and　headache。　　I　have　nothing　to　tell　you。　　One　day　is　like　another　in　this　place。　　I　know　you；　living　in　the　country；　can　hardly　believe　it　is　possible　life　can　be　monotonous　in　the　centre　of　a　brilliant　capital　like　Brussels；　but　so　it　is。　　I　feel　it　most　on　holidays；　when　all　the　girls　and　teachers　go　out　to　visit；　and　it　sometimes　happens　that　I　am　left；　during　several　hours；　quite　alone；　with　four　great　desolate　schoolrooms　at　my　disposition。　　I　try　to　read；　I　try　to　write；　but　in　vain。　　I　then　wander　about　from　room　to　room；　but　the　silence　and　loneliness　of　all　the　house　weighs　down　one's　spirits　like　lead。　　You　will　hardly　believe　that　Madame　Heger　（good　and　kind　as　I　have　described　her）　never　comes　near　me　on　these　occasions。　　I　own；　I　was　astonished　the　first　time　I　was　left　alone　thus；　when　everybody　else　was　enjoying　the　pleasures　of　a　fete　day　with　their　friends；　and　she　knew　I　was　quite　by　myself；　and　never　took　the　least　notice　of　me。　　Yet；　I　understand；　she　praises　me　very　much　to　everybody；　and　says　what　excellent　lessons　I　give。　　She　is　not　colder　to　me　than　she　is　to　the　other　teachers；　but　they　are　less　dependent　on　her　than　I　am。　　They　have　relations　and　acquaintances　in　Bruxelles。　　You　remember　the　letter　she　wrote　me；　when　I　was　in　England？　　How　kind　and　affectionate　that　was？　is　it　not　odd？　　In　the　meantime；　the　complaints　I　make　at　present　are　a　sort　of　relief　which　I　permit　myself。　　In　all　other　respects　I　am　well　satisfied　with　my　position；　and　you　may　say　so　to　people　who　inquire　after　me　（if　any　one　does）。　　Write　to　me；　dear；　whenever　you　can。　　You　do　a　good　deed　when　you　send　me　a　letter；　for　you　comfort　a　very　desolate　heart。〃


One　of　the　reasons　for　the　silent　estrangement　between　Madame　Heger　and　Miss　Bronte；　in　the　second　year　of　her　residence　at　Brussels；　is　to　be　found　in　the　fact；　that　the　English　Protestant's　dislike　of　Romanism　increased　with　her　knowledge　of　it；　and　its　effects　upon　those　who　professed　it；　and　when　occasion　called　for　an　expression　of　opinion　from　Charlotte　Bronte；　she　was　uncompromising　truth。　　Madame　Heger；　on　the　opposite　side；　was　not　merely　a　Roman　Catholic；　she　was　DEVOTE。　　Not　of　a　warm　or　impulsive　temperament；　she　was　naturally　governed　by　her　conscience；　rather　than　by　her　affections；　and　her　conscience　was　in　the　hands　of　her　religious　guides。　　She　considered　any　slight　thrown　upon　her　Church　as　blasphemy　against　the　Holy　Truth；　and；　though　she　was　not　given　to　open　expression　of　her　thoughts　and　feelings；　yet　her　increasing　coolness　of　behaviour　showed　how　much　her　most　cherished　opinions　had　been　wounded。　　Thus；　although　there　was　never　any　explanation　of　Madame　Heger's　change　of　manner；　this　may　be　given　as　one　great　reason　why；　about　this　time；　Charlotte　was　made　painfully　conscious　of　a　silent　estrangement　between　them；　an　estrangement　of　which；　perhaps；　the　former　was　hardly　aware。　　I　have　before　alluded　to　intelligence　from　home；　calculated　to　distress　Charlotte　exceedingly　with　fears　respecting　Branwell；　which　I　shall　speak　of　more　at　large　when　the　realisation　of　her　worst　apprehensions　came　to　affect　the　daily　life　of　herself　and　her　sisters。　　I　allude　to　the　subject　again　here；　in　order　that　the　reader　may　remember　the　gnawing；　private　cares；　which　she　had　to　bury　in　her　own　heart；　and　the　pain　of　which　could　only　be　smothered　for　a　time　under　the　diligent　fulfilment　of　present　duty。　　Another　dim　sorrow　was　faintly　perceived　at　this　time。　　Her　father's　eyesight　began　to　fail；　it　was　not　unlikely　that　he　might　shortly　become　blind；　more　of　his　duty　must　devolve　on　a　curate；　and　Mr。　Bronte；　always　liberal；　would　have　to　pay　at　a　higher　rate　than　he　had　heretofore　done　for　this　assistance。

She　wrote　thus　to　Emily：…

〃Dec。1st；　1843。

〃This　is　Sunday　morning。　　They　are　at　their　idolatrous　'messe；'　and　I　am　here；　that　is　in　the　Refectoire。　　I　should　like　uncommonly　to　be　in　the　dining…room　at　home；　or　in　the　kitchen；　or　in　the　back　kitchen。　　I　should　like　even　to　be　cutting　up　the　hash；　with　the　clerk　and　some　register　people　at　the　other　table；　and　you　standing　by；　watching　that　I　put　enough　flour；　not　too　much　pepper；　and；　above　all；　that　I　save　the　best　pieces　of　the　leg　of　mutton　for　Tiger　and　Keeper；　the　first　of　which　personages　would　be　jumping　about　the　dish　and　carving…knife；　and　the　latter　standing　like　a　devouring　flame　on　the　kitchen…floor。　　To　complete　the　picture；　Tabby　blowing　the　fire；　in　order　to　boil　the　potatoes　to　a　sort　of　vegetable　glue！　　How　divine　are　these　recollections　to　me　at　this　moment！　　Yet　I　have　no　thought　of　coming　home　just　now。　　I　lack　a　real　pretext　for　doing　so；　it　is　true　this　place　is　dismal　to　me；　but　I　cannot　go　home　without　a　fixed　prospect　when　I　get　there；　and　this　prospect　must　not　be　a　situation；　that　would　be　jumping　out　of　the　frying…pan　into　the　fire。　　YOU　call　yourself　idle！　absurd；　absurd！　。　。　。　Is　papa　well？　　Are　you　well？　and　Tabby？　　You　ask　about　Queen　Victoria's　visit　to　Brussels。　　I　saw　her　for　an　instant　flashing　through　the　Rue　Royale　in　a　carriage　and　six；　surrounded　by　soldiers。　　She　was　laughing　and　talking　very　gaily。　　She　looked　a　little　stout；　vivacious　lady；　very　plainly　dressed；　not　much　dignity　or　pretension　about　her。　　The　Belgians　liked　her　very　well　on　the　whole。　　They　said　she　enlivened　the　sombre　court　of　King　Leopold；　which　is　usually　as　gloomy　as　a　conventicle。　　Write　to　me　again　soon。　　Tell　me　whether　papa　really　wants　me　very　much　to　come　home；　and　whether　you　do　likewise。　　I　have　an　idea　that　I　should　be　of　no　use　therea　sort　of　aged　person　upon　the　parish。　　I　pray；　with　heart　and　soul；　that　all　may　continue　well　at　Haworth；　above　all　in　our　grey　half…　inhabited　house。　　God　bless　the　walls　thereof！　　Safety；　health；　happiness；　and　prosperity　to　you；　papa；　and　Tabby。　　Amen。

〃C。　B。〃

Towards　the　end　of　this　year　（1843）　various　reasons　conspired　with　the　causes　of　anxiety　which　have　been　mentioned；　to　make　her　feel　that　her　presence　was　absolutely　and　imperatively　required　at　home；　while　she　had　acquired　all　that　she　proposed　to　herself　in　coming　to　Brussels　the　second　time；　and　was；　moreover；　no　longer　regarded　with　the　former　kindliness　of　feeling　by　Madame　Heger。　In　consequence　of　this　state　of　things；　working　down　with　sharp　edge　into　a　sensitive　mind；　she　suddenly　announced　to　that　lady　her　immediate　intention　of　returning　to　England。　　Both　M。　and　Madame　Heger　agreed　that　it　would　be　for　the　best；　when　they　learnt　only　that　part　of　the　case　which　she　could　reveal　to　them　namely；　Mr。　Bronte's　increasing　blindness。　　But　as　the　inevitable　moment　of　separation　from　people　and　places；　among　which　she　had　spent　so　many　happy　hours；　drew　near；　her　spirits　gave　way；　she　had　the　natural　presentiment　that　she　saw　them　all　for　the　last　time；　and　she　received　but　a　dead　kind　of　comfort　from　being　reminded　by　her　friends　that　Brussels　and　Haworth　were　not　so　very　far　apart；　that　access　from　one