crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第103章
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〃One would think you were burying me or saying good…bye for ever；〃
he said somewhat oddly。 He attempted to smile； but it did not turn out
a smile。 〃But who knows； perhaps it is the last time we shall see each
other。。。〃 he let slip accidentally。 It was what he was thinking； and
it somehow was uttered aloud。
〃What is the matter with you？〃 cried his mother。
〃Where are you going； Rodya？〃 asked Dounia rather strangely。
〃Oh； I'm quite obliged to。。。〃 he answered vaguely； as though
hesitating what he would say。 But there was a look of sharp
determination in his white face。
〃I meant to say。。。 as I was coming here。。。 I meant to tell you；
mother； and you； Dounia； that it would be better for us to part for
a time。 I feel ill； I am not at peace。。。。 I will come afterwards； I
will come of myself。。。 when it's possible； I remember you and love
you。。。。 Leave me； leave me alone。 I decided this even before。。。 I'm
absolutely resolved on it。 Whatever may come to me； whether I come
to ruin or not； I want to be alone。 Forget me altogether； it's better。
Don't inquire about me。 When I can； I'll come of myself or。。。 I'll
send for you。 Perhaps it will all come back； but now if you love me；
give me up。。。 else I shall begin to hate you； I feel it。。。。 Good…bye！〃
〃Good God！〃 cried Pulcheria Alexandrovna。 Both his mother and his
sister were terribly alarmed。 Razumihin was also。
〃Rodya； Rodya； be reconciled with us！ Let us be as before！〃 cried
his poor mother。
He turned slowly to the door and slowly went out of the room。 Dounia
overtook him。
〃Brother； what are you doing to mother？〃 she whispered； her eyes
flashing with indignation。
He looked dully at her。
〃No matter； I shall come。。。。 I'm coming；〃 he muttered in an
undertone； as though not fully conscious of what he was saying； and he
went out of the room。
〃Wicked； heartless egoist！〃 cried Dounia。
〃He is insane； but not heartless。 He is mad！ Don't you see it？
You're heartless after that！〃 Razumihin whispered in her ear；
squeezing her hand tightly。 〃I shall be back directly；〃 he shouted
to the horror…stricken mother； and he ran out of the room。
Raskolnikov was waiting for him at the end of the passage。
〃I knew you would run after me；〃 he said。 〃Go back to them… be
with them。。。 be with them to…morrow and always。。。。 I。。。 perhaps I
shall come。。。 if I can。 Good…bye。〃
And without holding out his hand he walked away。
〃But where are you going？ What are you doing？ What's the matter with
you？ How can you go on like this？〃 Razumihin muttered； at his wits'
end。
Raskolnikov stopped once more。
〃Once for all； never ask me about anything。 I have nothing to tell
you。 Don't come to see me。 Maybe I'll come here。。。。 Leave me； but
don't leave them。 Do you understand me？〃
It was dark in the corridor； they were standing near the lamp。 For a
minute they were looking at one another in silence。 Razumihin
remembered that minute all his life。 Raskolnikov's burning and
intent eyes grew more penetrating every moment； piercing into his
soul； into his consciousness。 Suddenly Razumihin started。 Something
strange； as it were； passed between them。。。。 Some idea； some hint as
it were； slipped； something awful； hideous； and suddenly understood on
both sides。。。。 Razumihin turned pale。
〃Do you understand now？〃 said Raskolnikov； his face twitching
nervously。 〃Go back； go to them；〃 he said suddenly； and turning
quickly； he went out of the house。
I will not attempt to describe how Razumihin went back to the
ladies； how he soothed them； how he protested that Rodya needed rest
in his illness； protested that Rodya was sure to come； that he would
come every day； that he was very； very much upset； that he must not be
irritated； that he； Razumihin； would watch over him； would get him a
doctor； the best doctor； a consultation。。。。 In fact from that
evening Razumihin took his place with them as a son and a brother。
Chapter Four
RASKOLNIKOV WENT straight to the house on the canal bank where Sonia
lived。 It was an old green house of three storeys。 He found the porter
and obtained from him vague directions as to the whereabouts of
Kapernaumov； the tailor。 Having found in the corner of the courtyard
the entrance to the dark and narrow staircase； he mounted to the
second floor and came out into a gallery that ran round the whole
second storey over the yard。 While he was wandering in the darkness；
uncertain where to turn for Kapernaumov's door； a door opened three
paces from him； he mechanically took hold of it。
〃Who is there？〃 a woman's voice asked uneasily。
〃It's I。。。 come to see you；〃 answered Raskolnikov and he walked into
the tiny entry。
On a broken chair stood a candle in a battered copper candlestick。
〃It's you！ Good heavens！〃 cried Sonia weakly and she stood rooted to
the spot。
〃Which is your room？ This way？〃 and Raskolnikov； trying not to
look at her； hastened in。
A minute later Sonia； too； came in with the candle； set down the
candlestick and； completely disconcerted； stood before him
inexpressibly agitated and apparently frightened by his unexpected
visit。 The colour rushed suddenly to her pale face and tears came into
her eyes。。。 She felt sick and ashamed and happy； too。。。。 Raskolnikov
turned away quickly and sat on a chair by the table。 He scanned the
room in a rapid glance。
It was a large but exceeding low…pitched room； the only one let by
the Kapernaumovs； to whose rooms a closed door led in the wall on
the left。 In the opposite side on the right hand wall was another
door； always kept locked。 That led to the next flat； which formed a
separate lodging。 Sonia's room looked like a barn； it was a very
irregular quadrangle and this gave it a grotesque appearance。 A wall
with three windows looking out on to the canal ran aslant so that
one corner formed a very acute angle； and it was difficult to see in
it without very strong light。 The other corner was
disproportionately obtuse。 There was scarcely any furniture in the big
room： in the corner on the right was a bedstead； beside it； nearest
the door； a chair。 A plain； deal table covered by a blue cloth stood
against the same wall
