crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第139章
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there is no danger； and that you are wrong in looking upon it with
such horror。 I don't think so； and I fully understand how indignant
you must be； and that that indignation may have a permanent effect
on you。 That's what I am afraid of。 As for your cutting yourself off
from us； I don't judge you； I don't venture to judge you； and
forgive me for having blamed you for it。 I feel that I too； if I had
so great a trouble； should keep away from every one。 I shall tell
mother nothing of this； but I shall talk about you continually and
shall tell her from you that you will come very soon。 Don't worry
about her； I will set her mind at rest； but don't you try her too
much… come once at least； remember that she is your mother。 And now
I have come simply to say〃 （Dounia began to get up） 〃that if you
should need me or should need。。。 all my life or anything。。。 call me；
and I'll come。 Good…bye！〃
She turned abruptly and went towards the door。
〃Dounia！〃 Raskolnikov stopped her and went towards her。 〃That
Razumihin； Dmitri Prokofitch； is a very good fellow。〃
Dounia flushed slightly。
〃Well？〃 she asked； waiting a moment。
〃He is competent； hardworking； honest and capable of real love。。。。
Good…bye； Dounia。〃
Dounia flushed crimson； then suddenly she took alarm。
〃But what does it mean； brother？ Are we really parting for ever that
you。。。 give me such a parting message？〃
〃Never mind。。。。 Good…bye。〃
He turned away； and walked to the window。 She stood a moment； looked
at him uneasily； and went out troubled。
No； he was not cold to her。 There was an instant （the very last one）
when he had longed to take her in his arms and say good…bye to her；
and even to tell her； but he had not dared even to touch her hand。
〃Afterwards she may shudder when she remembers that I embraced
her； and will feel that I stole her kiss。〃
〃And would she stand that test？〃 he went on a few minutes later to
himself。 〃No； she wouldn't； girls like that can't stand things！ They
never do。〃
And he thought of Sonia。
There was a breath of fresh air from the window。 The daylight was
fading。 He took up his cap and went out。
He could not； of course； and would not consider how ill he was。
But all this continual anxiety and agony of mind could not but
affect him。 And if he were not lying in high fever it was perhaps just
because this continual inner strain helped to keep him on his legs and
in possession of his faculties。 But this artificial excitement could
not last long。
He wandered aimlessly。 The sun was setting。 A special form of misery
had begun to oppress him of late。 There was nothing poignant；
nothing acute about it； but there was a feeling of permanence； of
eternity about it； it brought a foretaste of hopeless years of this
cold leaden misery； a foretaste of an eternity 〃on a square yard of
space。〃 Towards evening this sensation usually began to weigh on him
more heavily。
〃With this idiotic； purely physical weakness； depending on the
sunset or something； one can't help doing something stupid！ You'll
go to Dounia； as well as to Sonia；〃 he muttered bitterly。
He heard his name called。 He looked round。 Lebeziatnikov rushed up
to him。
〃Only fancy； I've been to your room looking for you。 Only fancy；
she's carried out her plan； and taken away the children。 Sofya
Semyonovna and I have had a job to find them。 She is rapping on a
frying…pan and making the children dance。 The children are crying。
They keep stopping at the cross roads and in front of shops； there's a
crowd of fools running after them。 Come along！〃
〃And Sonia？〃 Raskolnikov asked anxiously； hurrying after
Lebeziatnikov。
〃Simply frantic。 That is； it's not Sofya Semyonovna's frantic； but
Katerina Ivanovna； though Sofya Semyonova's frantic too。 But
Katerina Ivanovna is absolutely frantic。 I tell you she is quite
mad。 They'll be taken to the police。 You can fancy what an effect that
will have。。。。 They are on the canal bank； near the bridge now； not far
from Sofya Semyonovna's； quite close。〃
On the canal bank near the bridge and not two houses away from the
one where Sonia lodged； there was a crowd of people； consisting
principally of gutter children。 The hoarse broken voice of Katerina
Ivanovna could be heard from the bridge； and it certainly was a
strange spectacle likely to attract a street crowd。 Katerina
Ivanovna in her old dress with the green shawl； wearing a torn straw
hat； crushed in a hideous way on one side； was really frantic。 She was
exhausted and breathless。 Her wasted consumptive face looked more
suffering than ever； and indeed out of doors in the sunshine a
consumptive always looks worse than at home。 But her excitement did
not flag； and every moment her irritation grew more intense。 She
rushed at the children； shouted at them； coaxed them； told them before
the crowd how to dance and what to sing； began explaining to them
why it was necessary； and driven to desperation by their not
understanding； beat them。。。。 Then she would make a rush at the
crowd； if she noticed any decently dressed person stopping to look；
she immediately appealed to him to see what these children 〃from a
genteel； one may say aristocratic； house〃 had been brought to。 If
she heard laughter or jeering in the crowd； she would rush at once
at the scoffers and begin squabbling with them。 Some people laughed；
others shook their heads； but every one felt curious at the sight of
the madwoman with the frightened children。 The frying…pan of which
Lebeziatnikov had spoken was not there； at least Raskolnikov did not
see it。 But instead of rapping on the pan； Katerina Ivanovna began
clapping her wasted hands； when she made Lida and Kolya dance and
Polenka sing。 She too joined in the singing； but broke down at the
second note with a fearful cough； which made her curse in despair
and even shed tears。 What made her most furious was the weeping and
terror of Kolya and Lida。 Some effort had been made to dress the
children up as street singers are dressed。 The boy had on a turban
made of something red and white to look like a Turk。 There had been no
costume for Lida； she simply had a red knitted cap； or rather a
night cap that had belonged to Marmeladov； decorated with a broken
piece of white ostrich feather； which had been Katerina Ivanovna's
grandmother's and had been preserved as a family possession。 Polenka
was in her everyday dress； she looked in timid perplexity at her
mother； and kept at her
