crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第158章
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would decide a certain 'problem' as Lebeziatnikov would say。〃 （He
was beginning to lose the thread。） 〃No； really； I am serious。 Imagine；
Sonia； that you had known all Luzhin's intentions beforehand。 Known；
that is； for a fact； that they would be the ruin of Katerina
Ivanovna and the children and yourself thrown in… since you don't
count yourself for anything… Polenka too。。。 for she'll go the same
way。 Well； if suddenly it all depended on your decision whether he
or they should go on living； that is whether Luzhin should go on
living and doing wicked things； or Katerina Ivanovna should die？ How
would you decide which of them was to die？ I ask you？〃
Sonia looked uneasily at him。 There was something peculiar in this
hesitating question； which seemed approaching something in a
roundabout way。
〃I felt that you were going to ask some question like that；〃 she
said； looking inquisitively at him。
〃I dare say you did。 But how is it to be answered？〃
〃Why do you ask about what could not happen？〃 said Sonia
reluctantly。
〃Then it would be better for Luzhin to go on living and doing wicked
things？ You haven't dared to decide even that！〃
〃But I can't know the Divine Providence。。。。 And why do you ask
what can't be answered？ What's the use of such foolish questions？
How could it happen that it should depend on my decision… who has made
me a judge to decide who is to live and who is not to live？〃
〃Oh； if the Divine Providence is to be mixed up in it； there is no
doing anything；〃 Raskolnikov grumbled morosely。
〃You'd better say straight out what you want！〃 Sonia cried in
distress。 〃You are leading up to something again。。。。 Can you have come
simply to torture me？〃
She could not control herself and began crying bitterly。 He looked
at her in gloomy misery。 Five minutes passed。
〃Of course you're right； Sonia；〃 he said softly at last。 He was
suddenly changed。 His tone of assumed arrogance and helpless
defiance was gone。 Even his voice was suddenly weak。 〃I told you
yesterday that I was not coming to ask forgiveness and almost the
first thing I've said is to ask forgiveness。。。。 I said that about
Luzhin and Providence for my own sake。 I was asking forgiveness；
Sonia。。。。〃
He tried to smile； but there was something helpless and incomplete
in his pale smile。 He bowed his head and hid his face in his hands。
And suddenly a strange； surprising sensation of a sort of bitter
hatred for Sonia passed through his heart。 As it were wondering and
frightened of this sensation； he raised his head and looked intently
at her； but he met her uneasy and painfully anxious eyes fixed on him；
there was love in them； his hatred vanished like a phantom。 It was not
the real feeling； he had taken the one feeling for the other。 It
only meant that that minute had come。
He hid his face in his hands again and bowed his head。 Suddenly he
turned pale； got up from his chair； looked at Sonia； and without
uttering a word sat down mechanically on her bed。
His sensations that moment were terribly like the moment when he had
stood over the old woman with the axe in his hand and felt that 〃he
must not lose another minute。〃
〃What's the matter？〃 asked Sonia； dreadfully frightened。
He could not utter a word。 This was not at all； not at all the way
he had intended to 〃tell〃 and he did not understand what was happening
to him now。 She went up to him； softly； sat down on the bed beside him
and waited； not taking her eyes off him。 Her heart throbbed and
sank。 It was unendurable； he turned his deadly pale face to her。 His
lips worked； helplessly struggling to utter something。 A pang of
terror passed through Sonia's heart。
〃What's the matter？〃 she repeated； drawing a little away from him。
〃Nothing； Sonia； don't be frightened。。。。 It's nonsense。 It really is
nonsense； if you think of it；〃 he muttered； like a man in delirium。
〃Why have I come to torture you？〃 he added suddenly； looking at her。
〃Why； really？ I keep asking myself that question； Sonia。。。。〃
He had perhaps been asking himself that question a quarter of an
hour before； but now he spoke helplessly； hardly knowing what he
said and feeling a continual tremor all over。
〃Oh； how you are suffering！〃 she muttered in distress； looking
intently at him。
〃It's all nonsense。。。。 Listen； Sonia。〃 He suddenly smiled； a pale
helpless smile for two seconds。 〃You remember what I meant to tell you
yesterday？〃
Sonia waited uneasily。
〃I said as I went away that perhaps I was saying good…bye for
ever； but that if I came to…day I would tell you who。。。 who killed
Lizaveta。〃
She began trembling all over。
〃Well； here I've come to tell you。〃
〃Then you really meant it yesterday？〃 she whispered with difficulty。
〃How do you know？〃 she asked quickly； as though suddenly regaining her
reason。
Sonia's face grew paler and paler； and she breathed painfully。
〃I know。〃
She paused a minute。
〃Have they found him？〃 she asked timidly。
〃No。〃
〃Then how do you know about it？〃 she asked again； hardly audibly and
again after a minute's pause。
He turned to her and looked very intently at her。
〃Guess；〃 he said； with the same distorted helpless smile。
A shudder passed over her。
〃But you。。。 why do you frighten me like this？〃 she said； smiling
like a child。
〃I must be a great friend of his。。。 since I know；〃 Raskolnikov
went on； still gazing into her face； as though he could not turn his
eyes away。 〃He。。。 did not mean to kill that Lizaveta。。。 he。。。 killed
her accidentally。。。。 He meant to kill the old woman when she was alone
and he went there。。。 and then Lizaveta came in。。。 he killed her too。〃
Another awful moment passed。 Both still gazed at one another。
〃You can't guess； then？〃 he asked suddenly； feeling as though he
were flinging himself down from a steeple。
〃N…no。。。〃 whispered Sonia。
〃Take a good look。〃
As soon as he had said this again； the same familiar sensation froze
his heart。 He looked at
