crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第5章
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heart ache to think what a useless worm I am？ A month ago when Mr。
Lebeziatnikov beat my wife with his own hands； and I lay drunk； didn't
I suffer？ Excuse me； young man； has it ever happened to you。。。 hm。。。
well； to petition hopelessly for a loan？〃
〃Yes； it has。 But what do you mean by hopelessly？〃
〃Hopelessly in the fullest sense； when you know beforehand that
you will get nothing by it。 You know； for instance； beforehand with
positive certainty that this man； this most reputable and exemplary
citizen； will on no consideration give you money； and indeed I ask you
why should he？ For he knows of course that I shan't pay it back。
From compassion？ But Mr。 Lebeziatnikov who keeps up with modern
ideas explained the other day that compassion is forbidden nowadays by
science itself； and that that's what is done now in England； where
there is political economy。 Why； I ask you； should he give it to me？
And yet though I know beforehand that he won't； I set off to him
and。。。〃
〃Why do you go？〃 put in Raskolnikov。
〃Well； when one has no one； nowhere else one can go！ For every man
must have somewhere to go。 Since there are times when one absolutely
must go somewhere！ When my own daughter first went out with a yellow
ticket； then I had to go。。。 （for my daughter has a yellow
passport）；〃 he added in parenthesis； looking with a certain uneasiness
at the young man。 〃No matter； sir； no matter！〃 he went on hurriedly
and with apparent composure when both the boys at the counter guffawed
and even the innkeeper smiled… 〃No matter； I am not confounded by
the wagging of their heads； for every one knows everything about it
already； and all that is secret is made open。 And I accept it all； not
with contempt； but with humility。 So be it！ So be it！ 'Behold the
man！' Excuse me； young man； can you。。。。 No； to put it more strongly
and more distinctly； not can you but dare you； looking upon me； assert
that I am not a pig？〃
The young man did not answer a word。
〃Well；〃 the orator began again stolidly and with even increased
dignity； after waiting for the laughter in the room to subside。 〃Well；
so be it； I am a pig； but she is a lady！ I have the semblance of a
beast； but Katerina Ivanovna； my spouse； is a person of education
and an officer's daughter。 Granted； granted； I am a scoundrel； but she
is a woman of a noble heart； full of sentiments； refined by education。
And yet。。。 oh； if only she felt for me！ Honoured sir； honoured sir；
you know every man ought to have at least one place where people
feel for him！ But Katerina Ivanovna； though she is magnanimous； she is
unjust。。。。 And yet； although I realise that when she pulls my hair she
only does it out of pity… for I repeat without being ashamed； she
pulls my hair； young man；〃 he declared with redoubled dignity； hearing
the sniggering again… 〃but； my God； if she would but once。。。。 But
no； no！ It's all in vain and it's no use talking！ No use talking！
For more than once； my wish did come true and more than once she has
felt for me but。。。 such is my fate and I am a beast by nature！〃
〃Rather！〃 assented the innkeeper yawning。 Marmeladov struck his fist
resolutely on the table。
〃Such is my fate！ Do you know； sir； do you know； I have sold her
very stockings for drink？ Not her shoes… that would be more or less in
the order of things； but her stockings； her stockings I have sold
for drink！ Her mohair shawl I sold for drink； a present to her long
ago； her own property； not mine； and we live in a cold room and she
caught cold this winter and has begun coughing and spitting blood too。
We have three little children and Katerina Ivanovna is at work from
morning till night； she is scrubbing and cleaning and washing the
children； for she's been used to cleanliness from a child。 But her
chest is weak and she has a tendency to consumption and I feel it！
Do you suppose I don't feel it？ And the more I drink the more I feel
it。 That's why I drink too。 I try to find sympathy and feeling in
drink。。。。 I drink so that I may suffer twice as much！〃 And as though
in despair he laid his head down on the table。
〃Young man；〃 he went on； raising his head again； 〃in your face I
seem to read some trouble of mind。 When you came in I read it； and
that was why I addressed you at once。 For in unfolding to you the
story of my life； I do not wish to make myself a laughing…stock before
these idle listeners； who indeed know all about it already； but I am
looking for a man of feeling and education。 Know then that my wife was
educated in a high…class school for the daughters of noblemen； and
on leaving she danced the shawl dance before the governor and other
personages for which she was presented with a gold medal and a
certificate of merit。 The medal。。。 well； the medal of course was sold…
long ago； hm。。。 but the certificate of merit is in her trunk still and
not long ago she showed it to our landlady。 And although she is most
continually on bad terms with the landlady； yet she wanted to tell
some one or other of her past honours and of the happy days that are
gone。 I don't condemn her for it； I don't blame her； for the one thing
left her is recollection of the past； and all the rest is dust and
ashes。 Yes； yes； she is a lady of spirit； proud and determined。 She
scrubs the floors herself and has nothing but black bread to eat；
but won't allow herself to be treated with disrespect。 That's why
she would not overlook Mr。 Lebeziatnikov's rudeness to her； and so
when he gave her a beating for it； she took to her bed more from the
hurt to her feelings than from the blows。 She was a widow when I
married her； with three children； one smaller than the other。 She
married her first husband； an infantry officer； for love； and ran away
with him from her father's house。 She was exceedingly fond of her
husband； but he gave way to cards； got into trouble and with that he
died。 He used to beat her at the end： and although she paid him
back； of which I have authentic documentary evidence； to this day
she speaks of him with tears and she throws him up to me； and I am
glad； I am glad that； though only in imagination； she should think
of herself as having once been happy。。。。 And she was left at his death
with three children in a wild and remote district where I happened
to be at the time； and she was left in such hopeless poverty that；
although I have seen many ups and downs of all sort； I don't feel
equal to describing it even。 Her relations had all thrown her off。 And
she was proud； too； excessively proud。。。。 And then； honoured sir；
and then； I； being at the time a widower； with a daughter of
fourteen left me by my first wife； offered her my hand； for I could
not bear the sight of such suffering。 You can judge the extremity of
her calamities； that she； a woman of education and culture and
distinguished family； should have consented to be my wife。 But she
did！ Weeping and sobbing and wringing her hands； she married me！ For
she had nowhere to turn！
