crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第76章
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His face worked； as though in convulsion。
〃Ach； what are you saying； Dounia！ Don't be angry； please； Rodya。。。。
Why did you say that； Dounia？〃 Pulcheria Alexandrovna began；
overwhelmed… 〃You see； coming here； I was dreaming all the way； in the
train； how we should meet； how we should talk over everything
together。。。。 And I was so happy； I did not notice the journey！ But
what am I saying？ I am happy now。。。。 You should not； Dounia。。。。 I am
happy now… simply in seeing you； Rodya。。。。〃
〃Hush； mother；〃 he muttered in confusion； not looking at her； but
pressing her hand。 〃We shall have time to speak freely of everything！〃
As he said this； he was suddenly overwhelmed with confusion and
turned pale。 Again that awful sensation he had known of late passed
with deadly chill over his soul。 Again it became suddenly plain and
perceptible to him that he had just told a fearful lie… that he
would never now be able to speak freely of everything… that he would
never again be able to speak of anything to any one。 The anguish of
this thought was such that for a moment he almost forgot himself。 He
got up from his seat； and not looking at any one walked towards the
door。
〃What are you about？〃 cried Razumihin； clutching him by the arm。
He sat down again； and began looking about him； in silence。 They
were all looking at him in perplexity。
〃But what are you all so dull for？〃 he shouted； suddenly and quite
unexpectedly。 〃Do say something！ What's the use of sitting like
this？ Come； do speak。 Let us talk。。。。 We meet together and sit in
silence。。。。 Come； anything！〃
〃Thank God； I was afraid the same thing as yesterday was beginning
again；〃 said Pulcheria Alexandrovna； crossing herself。
〃What is the matter； Rodya？〃 asked Avdotya Romanovna； distrustfully。
〃Oh； nothing！ I remembered something；〃 he answered； and suddenly
laughed。
〃Well； if you remembered something； that's all right！。。。 I was
beginning to think。。。〃 muttered Zossimov； getting up from the sofa。
〃It is time for me to be off。 I will look in again perhaps。。。 if I
can。。。〃 He made his bows； and went out。
〃What an excellent man！〃 observed Pulcheria Alexandrovna。
〃Yes； excellent； splendid； well…educated； intelligent；〃
Raskolnikov began； suddenly speaking with surprising rapidity； and a
liveliness he had not shown till then。 〃I can't remember where I met
him before my illness。。。。 I believe I have met him somewhere…。。。 And
this is a good man； too；〃 he nodded at Razumihin。 〃Do you like him；
Dounia？〃 he asked her； and suddenly； for some unknown reason； laughed。
〃Very much；〃 answered Dounia。
〃Foo… what a pig you are；〃 Razumihin protested； blushing in terrible
confusion； and he got up from his chair。 Pulcheria Alexandrovna smiled
faintly； but Raskolnikov laughed aloud。
〃Where are you off to？〃
〃I must go。〃
〃You need not at all。 Stay。 Zossimov has gone； so you must。 Don't
go。 What's the time？ Is it twelve o'clock？ What a pretty watch you
have got； Dounia。 But why are you all silent again？ I do all the
talking。〃
〃It was a present from Marfa Petrovna；〃 answered Dounia。
〃And a very expensive one！〃 added Pulcheria Alexandrovna。
〃A…ah！ What a big one！ Hardly like a lady's。〃
〃I like that sort；〃 said Dounia。
〃So it is not a present from her fiance；〃 thought Razumihin； and was
unreasonably delighted。
〃I thought it was Luzhin's present；〃 observed Raskolnikov。
〃No； he has not made Dounia any presents yet。〃
〃A…ah！ And do you remember； mother； I was in love and wanted to
get married？〃 he said suddenly； looking at his mother； who was
disconcerted by the sudden change of subject and the way he spoke of
it。
〃Oh； yes； my dear。〃
Pulcheria Alexandrovna exchanged glances with Dounia and Razumihin。
〃H'm； yes。 What shall I tell you？ I don't remember much indeed。
She was such a sickly girl；〃 he went on； growing dreamy and looking
down again。 〃Quite an invalid。 She was fond of giving alms to the
poor； and was always dreaming of a nunnery； and once she burst into
tears when she began talking to me about it。 Yes； yes； I remember。 I
remember very well。 She was an ugly little thing。 I really don't
know what drew me to her then… I think it was because she was always
ill。 If she had been lame or hunchback； I believe I should have
liked her better still；〃 he smiled dreamily。 〃Yes； it was a sort of
spring delirium。〃
〃No； it was not only spring delirium；〃 said Dounia； with warm
feeling。
He fixed a strained intent look on his sister； but did not hear or
did not understand her words。 Then； completely lost in thought； he got
up； went up to his mother； kissed her； went back to his place and
sat down。
〃You love her even now？〃 said Pulcheria Alexandrovna； touched。
〃Her？ Now？ Oh； yes。。。。 You ask about her？ No。。。 that's all now as it
were； in another world。。。 and so long ago。 And indeed everything
happening here seems somehow far away。〃 He looked attentively at them。
〃You now。。。 I seem to be looking at you from a thousand miles
away。。。 but； goodness knows why we are talking of that！ And what's the
use of asking about it；〃 he added with annoyance； and biting his
nails； he fell into dreamy silence again。
〃What a wretched lodging you have； Rodya！ It's like a tomb；〃 said
Pulcheria Alexandrovna； suddenly breaking the oppressive silence。 〃I
am sure it's quite half through your lodging you have become so
melancholy。〃
〃My lodging；〃 he answered； listlessly。 〃Yes； the lodging had a great
deal to do with it。。。。 I thought that； too。。。。 If only you knew；
though； what a strange thing you said just now； mother；〃 he said；
laughing strangely。
A little more； and their companionship； this mother and this sister；
with him after three years' absence； this intimate tone of
conversation； in face of the utter impossibility of really speaking
about anything； would have been beyond his power of endurance。 But
there was one urgent matter which must be settled one way or the other
that day… so he had decided when he woke。 Now he was glad to
remember it； as a means of escape。
〃Listen； Dounia；〃 he began； gravely and drily； 〃of course I beg your
pardon for yesterday； bu
