the red badge of courage(红色英勇勋章)-第21章
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tion he felt the scrutiny of his companions as he painfully labored through
some lies。
Eventually； his courage expended itself upon these objections。 The
debates drained him of his fire。
He was not cast down by this defeat of his plan； for； upon studying the
affair carefully； he could not but admit that the objections were very
formidable。
Furthermore； various ailments had begun to cry out。 In their presence
he could not persist in flying high with the wings of war； they rendered it
almost impossible for him to see him… self in a heroic light。 He tumbled
headlong。
He discovered that he had a scorching thirst。 His face was so dry and
grimy that he thought he could feel his skin crackle。 Each bone of his
body had an ache in it； and seemingly threatened to break with each
movement。 His feet were like two sores。 Also； his body was calling for
food。 It was more powerful than a direct hunger。 There was a dull；
weight like feeling in his stom… ach； and； when he tried to walk； his head
swayed and he tottered。 He could not see with distinct… ness。 Small
patches of green mist floated before his vision。
While he had been tossed by many emotions； he had not been aware of
ailments。 Now they beset him and made clamor。 As he was at last
compelled to pay attention to them； his capacity for self…hate was
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multiplied。 In despair； he declared that he was not like those others。 He
now conceded it to be impossible that he should ever become a hero。 He
was a craven loon。 Those pictures of glory were piteous things。 He
groaned from his heart and went staggering off。
A certain mothlike quality within him kept him in the vicinity of the
battle。 He had a great desire to see； and to get news。 He wished to
know who was winning。
He told himself that； despite his unprecedented suffering； he had never
lost his greed for a victory； yet； he said； in a half…apologetic manner to his
conscience； he could not but know that a defeat for the army this time
might mean many favor… able things for him。 The blows of the enemy
would splinter regiments into fragments。 Thus； many men of courage； he
considered； would be obliged to desert the colors and scurry like chickens。
He would appear as one of them。 They would be sullen brothers in distress；
and he could then easily believe he had not run any farther or faster than
they。 And if he himself could believe in his virtuous perfection； he con…
ceived that there would be small trouble in con… vincing all others。
He said； as if in excuse for this hope； that previously the army had
encountered great defeats and in a few months had shaken off all blood
and tradition of them； emerging as bright and valiant as a new one；
thrusting out of sight the memory of disaster； and appearing with the valor
and confidence of unconquered legions。 The shrilling voices of the people
at home would pipe dismally for a time； but various generals were usually
compelled to listen to these ditties。 He of course felt no compunctions for
proposing a general as a sacrifice。 He could not tell who the chosen for
the barbs might be； so he could center no direct sympathy upon him。 The
people were afar and he did not conceive public opinion to be accurate at
long range。 It was quite probable they would hit the wrong man who；
after he had recovered from his amazement would perhaps spend the rest
of his days in writ… ing replies to the songs of his alleged failure。 It
would be very unfortunate； no doubt； but in this case a general was of no
consequence to the youth。
In a defeat there would be a roundabout vindication of himself。 He
thought it would prove； in a manner； that he had fled early because of his
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superior powers of perception。 A serious prophet upon predicting a flood
should be the first man to climb a tree。 This would demon… strate that he
was indeed a seer。
A moral vindication was regarded by the youth as a very important
thing。 Without salve； he could not； he thought； wear the sore badge of his
dishonor through life。 With his heart con… tinually assuring him that he
was despicable； he could not exist without making it； through his actions；
apparent to all men。
If the army had gone gloriously on he would be lost。 If the din meant
that now his army's flags were tilted forward he was a condemned wretch。
He would be compelled to doom himself to isolation。 If the men were
advancing； their indifferent feet were trampling upon his chances for a
successful life。
As these thoughts went rapidly through his mind； he turned upon them
and tried to thrust them away。 He denounced himself as a villain。 He said
that he was the most unutterably selfish man in existence。 His mind
pictured the soldiers who would place their defiant bodies before the spear
of the yelling battle fiend； and as he saw their dripping corpses on an
imagined field； he said that he was their murderer。
Again he thought that he wished he was dead。 He believed that he
envied a corpse。 Thinking of the slain； he achieved a great contempt for
some of them； as if they were guilty for thus becoming lifeless。 They
might have been killed by lucky chances； he said； before they had had
opportunities to flee or before they had been really tested。 Yet they
would receive laurels from tradition。 He cried out bitterly that their
crowns were stolen and their robes of glori… ous memories were shams。
However； he still said that it was a great pity he was not as they。
A defeat of the army had suggested itself to him as a means of escape
from the consequences of his fall。 He considered； now； however； that it
was useless to think of such a possibility。 His education had been that
success for that mighty blue machine was certain； that it would make
victories as a contrivance turns out buttons。 He presently discarded all
his speculations in the other direction。 He returned to the creed of
soldiers。
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When he perceived again that it was not possible for the army to be
defeated； he tried to bethink him of a fine tale which he could take back to
his regiment； and with it turn the expected shafts of derision。
But； as he mortally feared these shafts； it became impossible for him to
invent a tale he felt he could trust。 He experimented with many schemes；
but threw them aside one by one as flimsy。 He was quick to see
vulnerable places in them all。
Furthermore； he was much afraid that some arrow of scorn might lay
him ment
