memoirs of carwin the biloquist(卡尔维恩)-第20章
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justifiable by any creed； was entitled to some excuse； on the score of
youthful ardour and temerity。 The true difficulty in the way of these
confessions was the not having made them already。 Ludlow had long
been entitled to this confidence； and； though the existence of this power
was venial or wholly innocent； the obstinate concealment of it was a
different matter； and would certainly expose me to suspicion and rebuke。
But what was the alternative？ To conceal it。 To incur those dreadful
punishments awarded against treason in this particular。 Ludlow's
menaces still rung in my ears； and appalled my heart。 How should I be
able to shun them？ By concealing from every one what I concealed from
him？ How was my concealment of such a faculty to be suspected or
proved？ Unless I betrayed myself； who could betray me？
In this state of mind； I resolved to confess myself to Ludlow in the
way that he required； reserving only the secret of this faculty。 Awful；
indeed； said I； is the crisis of my fate。 If Ludlow's declarations are true； a
horrid catastrophe awaits me： but as fast as my resolutions were shaken；
they were confirmed anew by the recollectionWho can betray me but
myself？ If I deny； who is there can prove？ Suspicion can never light
upon the truth。 If it does； it can never be converted into certainty。 Even
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
my own lips cannot confirm it； since who will believe my testimony？
By such illusions was I fortified in my desperate resolution。 Ludlow
returned at the time appointed。 He informed me that Mrs。 Benington
expected me next morning。 She was ready to depart for her country
residence； where she proposed to spend the ensuing summer； and would
carry me along with her。 In consequence of this arrangement； he said；
many months would elapse before he should see me again。 You will
indeed； continued he； be pretty much shut up from all society。 Your
books and your new friend will be your chief； if not only companions。
Her life is not a social one； because she has formed extravagant notions of
the importance of lonely worship and devout solitude。 Much of her time
will be spent in meditation upon pious books in her closet。 Some of it in
long solitary rides in her coach； for the sake of exercise。 Little will
remain for eating and sleeping； so that unless you can prevail upon her to
violate her ordinary rules for your sake； you will be left pretty much to
yourself。 You will have the more time to reflect upon what has hitherto
been the theme of our conversations。 You can come to town when you
want to see me。 I shall generally be found in these apartments。
In the present state of my mind； though impatient to see Mrs。
Benington； I was still more impatient to remove the veil between Ludlow
and myself。 After some pause； I ventured to enquire if there was any
impediment to my advancement in the road he had already pointed out to
my curiosity and ambition。
He replied； with great solemnity； that I was already acquainted with
the next step to be taken in this road。 If I was prepared to make him my
confessor； as to the past； the present； and the future； ~~without exception
or condition~~； but what arose from defect of memory； he was willing to
receive my confession。
I declared myself ready to do so。
I need not； he returned； remind you of the consequences of
concealment or deceit。 I have already dwelt upon these consequences。
As to the past； you have already told me； perhaps； all that is of any
moment to know。 It is in relation to the future that caution will be chiefly
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
necessary。 Hitherto your actions have been nearly indifferent to the ends
of your future existence。 Confessions of the past are required； because
they are an earnest of the future character and conduct。 Have you then
but this is too abrupt。 Take an hour to reflect and deliberate。 Go by
yourself； take yourself to severe task； and make up your mind with a full；
entire； and unfailing resolution； for the moment in which you assume this
new obligation will make you a new being。 Perdition or felicity will hang
upon that moment。
This conversation was late in the evening。 After I had consented to
postpone this subject； we parted； he telling me that he would leave his
chamber door open； and as soon as my mind was made up I might come to
him。
*The reader must be reminded that the incidents of this narrative are
supposed to have taken place before the voyages of Bougainville and
Cook。Editor。
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
Chapter X。
I retired accordingly to my apartment； and spent the prescribed hour
in anxious and irresolute reflections。 They were no other than had
hitherto occurred； but they occurred with more force than ever。 Some
fatal obstinacy； however； got possession of me； and I persisted in the
resolution of concealing ~~one thing~~。 We become fondly attached to
objects and pursuits； frequently for no conceivable reason but the pain and
trouble they cost us。 In proportion to the danger in which they involve us
do we cherish them。 Our darling potion is the poison that scorches our
vitals。
After some time； I went to Ludloe's apartment。 I found him solemn；
and yet benign； at my entrance。 After intimating my compliance with the
terms prescribed； which I did； in spite of all my labour for composure；
with accents half faultering； he proceeded to put various questions to me；
relative to my early history。
I knew there was no other mode of accomplishing the end in view； but
by putting all that was related in the form of answers to questions； and
when meditating on the character of Ludloe； I experienced excessive
uneasiness as to the consummate art and penetration which his questions
would manifest。 Conscious of a purpose to conceal； my fancy invested
my friend with the robe of a judicial inquisitor； all whose questions should
aim at extracting the truth； and entrapping the liar。
In this respect； however； I was wholly disappointed。 All his inquiries
were general and obvious。They betokened curiosity； but not suspicion；
yet there were moments when I saw； or fancied I saw； some dissatisfaction
betrayed in his features； and when I arrived at that period of my story
which terminated with my departure； as his companion； for Europe； his
pauses were； I thought； a little lon
