winesburg,ohio-第20章

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She　was　glad　to　be　employed　because　the　daily　round　of　toil　in　the　store　made　the　time　of　waiting　seem　less　long　and　uninteresting。　　She　began　to　save　money；　thinking　that　when　she　had　saved　two　or　three　hundred　dollars　she　would　follow　her　lover　to　the　city　and　try　if　her　presence　would　not　win　back　his　affections。

Alice　did　not　blame　Ned　Currie　for　what　had　hap…　pened　in　the　moonlight　in　the　field；　but　felt　that　she　could　never　marry　another　man。　　To　her　the　thought　of　giving　to　another　what　she　still　felt　could　belong　only　to　Ned　seemed　monstrous。　　When　other　young　men　tried　to　attract　her　attention　she　would　have　nothing　to　do　with　them。　　〃I　am　his　wife　and　shall　remain　his　wife　whether　he　comes　back　or　not；〃　she　whispered　to　herself；　and　for　all　of　her　willingness　to　support　herself　could　not　have　understood　the　growing　modern　idea　of　a　woman's　owning　herself　and　giving　and　taking　for　her　own　ends　in　life。

Alice　worked　in　the　dry　goods　store　from　eight　in　the　morning　until　six　at　night　and　on　three　evenings　a　week　went　back　to　the　store　to　stay　from　seven　until　nine。　　As　time　passed　and　she　became　more　and　more　lonely　she　began　to　practice　the　devices　common　to　lonely　people。　　When　at　night　she　went　upstairs　into　her　own　room　she　knelt　on　the　floor　to　pray　and　in　her　prayers　whispered　things　she　wanted　to　say　to　her　lover。　　She　became　attached　to　inanimate　objects；　and　because　it　was　her　own；　could　not　bare　to　have　anyone　touch　the　furniture　of　her　room。　　The　trick　of　saving　money；　begun　for　a　purpose；　was　carried　on　after　the　scheme　of　going　to　the　city　to　find　Ned　Currie　had　been　given　up。　　It　became　a　fixed　habit；　and　when　she　needed　new　clothes　she　did　not　get　them。　　Sometimes　on　rainy　afternoons　in　the　store　she　got　out　her　bank　book　and；　letting　it　lie　open　before　her；　spent　hours　dreaming　impossible　dreams　of　saving　money　enough　so　that　the　interest　would　support　both　herself　and　her　future　husband。

〃Ned　always　liked　to　travel　about；〃　she　thought。　〃I'll　give　him　the　chance。　　Some　day　when　we　are　married　and　I　can　save　both　his　money　and　my　own；　we　will　be　rich。　　Then　we　can　travel　together　all　over　the　world。〃

In　the　dry　goods　store　weeks　ran　into　months　and　months　into　years　as　Alice　waited　and　dreamed　of　her　lover's　return。　　Her　employer；　a　grey　old　man　with　false　teeth　and　a　thin　grey　mustache　that　drooped　down　over　his　mouth；　was　not　given　to　conversation；　and　sometimes；　on　rainy　days　and　in　the　winter　when　a　storm　raged　in　Main　Street；　long　hours　passed　when　no　customers　came　in。　　Alice　ar…　ranged　and　rearranged　the　stock。　　She　stood　near　the　front　window　where　she　could　look　down　the　de…　serted　street　and　thought　of　the　evenings　when　she　had　walked　with　Ned　Currie　and　of　what　he　had　said。　　〃We　will　have　to　stick　to　each　other　now。〃　The　words　echoed　and　re…echoed　through　the　mind　of　the　maturing　woman。　　Tears　came　into　her　eyes。　Sometimes　when　her　employer　had　gone　out　and　she　was　alone　in　the　store　she　put　her　head　on　the　counter　and　wept。　　〃Oh；　Ned；　I　am　waiting；〃　she　whispered　over　and　over；　and　all　the　time　the　creep…　ing　fear　that　he　would　never　come　back　grew　stronger　within　her。

In　the　spring　when　the　rains　have　passed　and　be…　fore　the　long　hot　days　of　summer　have　come；　the　country　about　Winesburg　is　delightful。　　The　town　lies　in　the　midst　of　open　fields；　but　beyond　the　fields　are　pleasant　patches　of　woodlands。　　In　the　wooded　places　are　many　little　cloistered　nooks；　quiet　places　where　lovers　go　to　sit　on　Sunday　afternoons。　　Through　the　trees　they　look　out　across　the　fields　and　see　farmers　at　work　about　the　barns　or　people　driving　up　and　down　on　the　roads。　　In　the　town　bells　ring　and　occasionally　a　train　passes；　looking　like　a　toy　thing　in　the　distance。

For　several　years　after　Ned　Currie　went　away　Alice　did　not　go　into　the　wood　with　the　other　young　people　on　Sunday；　but　one　day　after　he　had　been　gone　for　two　or　three　years　and　when　her　loneliness　seemed　unbearable；　she　put　on　her　best　dress　and　set　out。　　Finding　a　little　sheltered　place　from　which　she　could　see　the　town　and　a　long　stretch　of　the　fields；　she　sat　down。　　Fear　of　age　and　ineffectuality　took　possession　of　her。　　She　could　not　sit　still；　and　arose。　　As　she　stood　looking　out　over　the　land　some…　thing；　perhaps　the　thought　of　never　ceasing　life　as　it　expresses　itself　in　the　flow　of　the　seasons；　fixed　her　mind　on　the　passing　years。　　With　a　shiver　of　dread；　she　realized　that　for　her　the　beauty　and　fresh…　ness　of　youth　had　passed。　　For　the　first　time　she　felt　that　she　had　been　cheated。　　She　did　not　blame　Ned　Currie　and　did　not　know　what　to　blame。　　Sadness　swept　over　her。　　Dropping　to　her　knees；　she　tried　to　pray；　but　instead　of　prayers　words　of　protest　came　to　her　lips。　　〃It　is　not　going　to　come　to　me。　　I　will　never　find　happiness。　　Why　do　I　tell　myself　lies？〃　she　cried；　and　an　odd　sense　of　relief　came　with　this；　her　first　bold　attempt　to　face　the　fear　that　had　be…　come　a　part　of　her　everyday　life。

In　the　year　when　Alice　Hindman　became　twenty…　five　two　things　happened　to　disturb　the　dull　un…　eventfulness　of　her　days。　　Her　mother　married　Bush　Milton；　the　carriage　painter　of　Winesburg；　and　she　herself　became　a　member　of　the　Winesburg　Method…　ist　Church。　　Alice　joined　the　church　because　she　had　become　frightened　by　the　loneliness　of　her　position　in　life。　　Her　mother's　second　marriage　had　empha…　sized　her　isolation。　　〃I　am　becoming　old　and　queer。　If　Ned　comes　he　will　not　want　me。　　In　the　city　where　he　is　living　men　are　perpetually　young。　　There　is　so　much　going　on　that　they　do　not　have　time　to　grow　old；〃　she　told　herself　with　a　grim　little　smile；　and　went　resolutely　about　the　business　of　becoming　ac…　quainted　with　people。　　Every　Thursday　evening　when　the　store　had　closed　she　went　to　a　prayer　meeting　in　the　basement　of　the　church　and　on　Sunday　evening　attended　a　meeting　of　an　organization　called　The　Epworth　League。

When　Will　Hurley；　a　middle…aged　man　who　clerked　in　a　drug　store　and　who　also　belonged　to　the　church；　offered　to　walk　home　with　her　she　did　not　protest。　〃Of　course　I　will　not　let　him　make　a　practice　of　being　with　me；　but　if　he　comes　to　see　me　once　in　a　long　time　there　can　be　no　harm　in　that；〃　she　told　herself；　still　determined　in　her　loyalty　to　Ned　Currie。

Without　realizing　what　was　happening；　Alice　was　trying　feebly　at　first；　but　with　growing　determina…　tion；　to　get　a　new　hold　upon　life。　　Beside　the　drug　clerk　she　walked　in　silence；　but　sometimes　in　the　darkness　as　they　went　stolidly　along　she　put　out　her　hand　and　touched　softly　the　folds　of　his　coat。　　When　he　left　her　at　the　gate　before　her　mother's　house　she　did　not　go　indoors；　but　stood　for　a　moment　by　the　door。　　She　wanted　to　call　to　the　drug　clerk；　to　ask　him　to　sit　with　her　in　the　darkness　on　the　porch　before　the　house；　but　was　afraid　he　would　not　un…　derstand。　　〃It　is　not　him　that　I　want；〃　she　told　her…　self；　〃I　want　to　avoid　being　so　much　alone。　　If　I　am　not　careful　I　will　grow　unaccustomed　to　being　with　people。〃


During　the　early　fall　of　her　twenty…seventh　year　a　passionate　restlessness　took　possession　of　Alice。　　She　could　not　bear　to　be　in　the　company　of　the　drug　clerk；　and　when；　in　the　evening；　he　came　to　walk　with　her　she　sent　him　away。　　Her　mind　became　in…　tensely　active　and　when；　weary　from　the　long　hours　of　standing　behind　the　counter　in　the　store；　she　went　home　and　crawled　into　bed；　she　could　not　sleep。　　With　staring　eyes　she　looked　into　the　dark…　ness。　　Her　imagination；　like　a　child　awakened　from　long　sleep；　played　about　the　room。　　Deep　within　her　there　was　something　that　would　not　be　cheated　by　phantasies　and　that　demanded　some　definite　answer　from　life。

Alice　took　a　pillow　into　her　arms　and　held　it　tightly　against　her　breasts。　　Getting　out　of　bed；　she　arranged　a　blanket　so　that　in　the　darkness　it　looked　like　a　form　lying　between　the　sheets　and；　kneeling　beside　the　bed；　she　caressed　it；　whispering　words　over　and　over；　like　a　refrain。　　〃Why　doesn't　some…　thing　happen？　Why　am　I　left　here　alone？〃　she　mut…　tered。　　Although　she　sometimes　thought　of　Ned　Currie；　she　no　longer　depended　on　him。　　Her　desire　had　grown　vague。　　She　did　not　want　Ned　Currie　or　any　other　man。　　She　wanted　to　be　loved；　to　have　something　answer　the　call　that　was　growing　louder　and　lou