the complete works of artemus ward, part 2-第11章

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me。　　〃After　all；〃　he　sed；　〃you　have　sum　people　at　the　North
who　air　not　wholly　loathsum　beasts？〃

〃Well；　yes；〃　I　sed；　〃we　hav'　now　and　then　a　man　among　us　who
isn't　a　cold…bluded　scoundril。　　Young　man；〃　I　mildly　but
gravely　sed；　〃this　crooil　war　is　over；　and　you're　lickt！　　It's
rather　necessary　for　sumbody　to　lick　in　a　good　square；　lively
fite；　and　in　this　'ere　case　it　happens　to　be　the　United　States
of　America。　　You　fit　splendid；　but　we　was　too　many　for　you。
Then　make　the　best　of　it；　&　let　us　all　give　in　and　put　the
Republic　on　a　firmer　basis　nor　ever。

〃I　don't　gloat　over　your　misfortuns；　my　young　fren'。　　Fur　from
it。　　I'm　a　old　man　now；　&　my　hart　is　softer　nor　it　once　was。
You　see　my　spectacles　is　misten'd　with　suthin'　very　like
tears。　　I'm　thinkin'　of　the　sea　of　good　rich　Blud　that　has
been　spilt　on　both　sides　in　this　dredful　war！　　I'm　thinkin'　of
our　widders　and　orfuns　North；　and　of　your'n　in　the　South。　　I
kin　cry　for　both。　　B'leeve　me；　my　young　fren'；　I　kin　place　my
old　hands　tenderly　on　the　fair　yung　hed　of　the　Virginny　maid
whose　lover　was　laid　low　in　the　battle　dust　by　a　fed'ral
bullet；　and　say；　as　fervently　and　piously　as　a　vener'ble
sinner　like　me　kin　say　anythin'；　God　be　good　to　you；　my　poor
dear；　my　poor　dear。〃

I　riz　up　to　go；　&　takin'　my　young　Southern　fren'　kindly　by　the
hand；　I　sed；　〃Yung　man；　adoo！　　You　Southern　fellers　is　probly
my　brothers；　tho'　you've　occasionally　had　a　cussed　queer　way
of　showin'　it！　　It's　over　now。　　Let　us　all　line　in　and　make　a
country　on　this　continent　that　shall　giv'　all　Europe　the　cramp
in　the　stummuck　ev'ry　time　they　look　at　us！　　Adoo；　adoo！〃

And　as　I　am　through；　I　likewise　say　adoo　to　you；　jentle
reader；　merely　remarkin'　that　the　Star…Spangled　Banner　is
wavin'　round　loose　agin；　and　that　there　don't　seem　to　be
anything　the　matter　with　the　Goddess　of　Liberty　beyond　a　slite
cold。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　Ward。


2。13。　　ARTEMUS　WARD　TO　THE　PRINCE　OF　WALES。

FRIEND　WALES；You　remember　me。　　I　saw　you　in　Canady　a　few
years　ago。　　I　remember　you　too。　　I　seldim　forget　a　person。

I　hearn　of　your　marriage　to　the　Printcis　Alexandry；　&　ment　ter
writ　you　a　congratoolatory　letter　at　the　time；　but　I've　bin
bildin　a　barn　this　summer；　&　hain't　had　no　time　to　write
letters　to　folks。　　Excoose　me。

Numeris　changes　has　tooken　place　since　we　met　in　the　body
politic。　　The　body　politic；　in　fack；　is　sick。　　I　sometimes
think　it　has　got　biles；　friend　Wales。

In　my　country　we've　got　war；　while　your　country；　in
conjunktion　with　Cap'n　Sems　of　the　〃Alobarmy；〃　manetanes　a
nootral　position！

I'm　afraid　I　can't　write　goaks　when　I　sit　about　it。　　Oh　no；　I
guess　not！

Yes；　Sir；　we've　got　a　war；　and　the　troo　Patrit　has　to　make
sacrifisses；　you　bet。

I　have　alreddy　given　two　cousins　to　the　war；　&　I　stand　reddy
to　sacrifiss　my　wife's　brother　ruther'n　not　see　the　rebelyin
krusht。　　And　if　wuss　cums　to　wuss　I'll　shed　ev'ry　drop　of　blud
my　able…bodied　relations　has　got　to　prosekoot　the　war。　　I
think　sumbody　oughter　be　prosekooted；　&　it　may　as　well　be　the
war　as　any　body　else。　　When　I　git　a　goakin　fit　onto　me　it's　no
use　to　try　ter　stop　me。

You　hearn　about　the　draft；　friend　Wales；　no　doubt。　　It　caused
sum　squirmin'；　but　it　was　fairly　conducted；　I　think；　for　it
hit　all　classes。　　It　is　troo　that　Wendill　Phillips；　who　is　a
American　citizen　of　African　scent；　'scaped；　but　so　did
Vallandiggum；　who　is　Conservativ；　and　who　wus　resuntly　sent
South；　tho'　he　would　have　bin　sent　to　the　Dry　Tortoogus　if　Abe
had　'sposed　for　a　minit　that　the　Tortoogusses　would　keep　him。

We　hain't　got　any　daily　paper　in　our　town；　but　we've　got　a
female　sewin'　circle；　which　ansers　the　same　purpuss；　and　we
wasn't　long　in　suspents　as　to　who　was　drafted。

One　young　man　who　was　drawd　claimed　to　be　exemp　because　he　was
the　only　son　of　a　widow'd　mother　who　supported　him。　　A　few
able…bodid　dead　men　was　drafted；　but　whether　their　heirs　will
have　to　pay　3　hundrid　dollars　a　peace　for　'em　is　a　question
for　Whitin'；　who　'pears　to　be　tinkerin'　up　this　draft　bizniss
right　smart。　　I　hope　he　makes　good　wages。

I　think　most　of　the　conscrips　in　this　place　will　go。　　A　few
will　go　to　Canady；　stopping　on　their　way　at　Concord；　N。H。；
where　I　understan　there　is　a　Muslum　of　Harts。

You　see　I'm　sassy；　friend　Wales；　hittin'　all　sides；　but　no
offense　is　ment。　　You　know　I　ain't　a　politician；　and　never
was。　　I　vote　for　Mr。　Unionthat's　the　only　candidate　I've
got。　　I　claim；　howsever；　to　have　a　well…balanced　mind；　tho'　my
idees　of　a　well…balanced　mind　differs　from　the　idees　of　a
partner　I　once　had；　whose　name　it　was　Billson。　　Billson　and　me
orjanized　a　strollin'　dramatic　company；　&　we　played　The
Drunkard；　or　the　Falling　Saved；　with　a　real　drunkard。　　The
play　didn't　take　particlarly；　and　says　Billson　to　me；　Let's
giv　'em　some　immoral　dramy。　　We　had　a　large　troop　onto　our
hands；　consisting　of　eight　tragedians　and　a　bass　drum；　but　I
says；　No；　Billson；　and　then　says　I；　Billson；　you　hain't　got　a
well…balanced　mind。　　Says　he；　Yes；　I　have；　old　hoss…fly　（he
was　a　low　cuss）yes；　I　have。　　I　have　a　mind；　says　he；　that
balances　in　any　direction　that　the　public　rekires。　　That's　wot
I　call　a　well…balanced　mind。　　I　sold　out　and　bid　adoo　to
Billson。　　He　is　now　an　outcast　in　the　State　of　Vermont。　　The
miser'ble　man　once　played　Hamlet。　　There　wasn't　any　orchestry；
and　wishin'　to　expire　to　slow　moosic；　he　died　playin'　on　a
claironett　himself；　interspersed　with　hart…rendin'　groans；　&
such　is　the　world！　　Alars！　alars！　how　onthankful　we　air　to
that　Providence　which　kindly　allows　us　to　live　and　borrow
money；　and　fail　und　do　bizniss！

But　to　return　to　our　subjeck。　　With　our　resunt　grate　triumps
on　the　Mississippi；　the　Father　of　Waters　（and　them　is　waters
no　Father　need　feel　'shamed　oftwig　the　wittikism？）　and　the
cheerin'　look　of　things　in　other　places；　I　reckon　we　shan't
want　any　Muslum　of　Harts。　　And　what　upon　airth　do　the　people
of　Concord；　N。H。；　want　a　Muslum　of　Harts　for？　　Hain't　you　got
the　State　House　now？　　&　what　more　do　you　want？

But　all　this　is　furrin　to　the　purpuss　of　this　note；　arter　all。
My　objeck　in　now　addressin'　you　is　to　giv　you　sum　advice；
friend　Wales；　about　managin'　your　wife；　a　bizniss　I've　had
over　thirty　years　experience　in。

You　had　a　good　weddin。　　The　papers　have　a　good　deal　to　say
about　〃vikins〃　in　connexion　thare　with。　　Not　knowings　what
that　air；　and　so　I　frankly　tells　you；　my　noble　lord　dook　of
the　throne；　I　can't　zackly　say　whether　we　hab　'em　or　not。　　We
was　both　very　much　flustrated。　　But　I　never　injoyed　myself
better　in　my　life。

Dowtless；　your　supper　was　ahead　of　our'n。　　As　regards　eatin'
uses；　Baldinsville　was　allers　shaky。　　But　you　can　git　a　good
meal　in　New　York；　&　cheap　to。　　You　can　git　half　a　mackril　at
Delmonico's　or　Mr。　Mason　Dory's　for　six　dollars；　and　biled
pertaters　throw'd　in。

As　I　sed；　I　manige　my　wife　without　any　particler　trouble。
When　I　fust　commenst　trainin'　her　I　institooted　a　series　of
experiments；　and　them　as　didn't　work　I　abanding'd。　　You'd
better　do　similer。　　Your　wife　may　objeck　to　gittin'　up　and
bildin'　the　fire　in　the　mornin'；　but　if　you　commence　with　her
at　once　you　may　be　able　to　overkum　this　prejoodiss。　　I　regret
to　obsarve　that　I　didn't　commence　arly　enuff。　　I　wouldn't　have
you　s'pose　I　was　ever　kicked　out　of　bed。　　Not　at　all。　　I
simply　say；　in　regard　to　bildin'　fires；　that；　I　didn't
commence　arly　enuff。　　It　was　a　ruther　cold　mornin'　when　I　fust
proposed　the　idee　to　Betsy。　　It　wasn't　well　received；　and　I
found　myself　layin'　on　the　floor　putty　suddent。　　I　thought　I'd
git　up　and　bild　the　fire　myself。

Of　course　now　you're　marrid　you　can　eat　onions。　　_I_　allus
did；　and　if　I　know　my　own　hart；　I　allus　will。　　My　daughter；
who　is　goin'　on　17　and　is　frisky；　says　they's　disgustin。　　And
speaking　of　my　daughter　reminds　me　that　quite　a　number　of
young　men　have　suddenly　discovered　that　I'm　a　very
entertainin'　old　feller；　and　they　visit　us　frekently；
specially　on　Sunday　evenins。　　One　young　chapa　lawyer　by
habitdon't　cum　as　much　as　he　did。　　My　wife's　father　lives
with　us。　　His　intelleck　totters　a　little；　and　he　saves　the
papers　containin'　the　proceedins　of　our　State　Legislater。　　Th