the professor(教授)-第59章
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Conscious of the state of things in that quarter； I gathered； from
the condition in which I saw my employer； that his lady…love had
betrayed the alienation of her affections—inclinations； rather； I
would say； affection is a word at once too warm and too pure for
the subject—had let him see that the cavity of her hollow heart；
emptied of his image； was now occupied by that of his usher。 It
was not without some surprise that I found myself obliged to
entertain this view of the case； Pelet； with his old…established
school； was so convenient； so profitable a match—Zoraide was so
calculating； so interested a woman—I wondered mere personal
preference could； in her mind； have prevailed for a moment over
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worldly advantage： yet； it was evident； from what Pelet said； that；
not only had she repulsed him； but had even let slip expressions of
partiality for me。 One of his drunken exclamations was； “And the
jade doats on your youth； you raw blockhead！ and talks of your
noble deportment； as she calls your accursed English formality—
and your pure morals； forsooth！ des moeurs de Caton a…t…elle dit—
sotte！” Hers； I thought； must be a curious soul； where in spite of a
strong； natural tendency to estimate unduly advantages of wealth
and station； the sardonic disdain of a fortuneless subordinate had
wrought a deeper impression than could be imprinted by the most
flattering assiduities of a prosperous chef d’institution。 I smiled
inwardly； and strange to say； though my amour propre was excited
not disagreeably by the conquest； my better feelings remained
untouched。 Next day； when I saw the directress； and when she
made an excuse to meet me in the corridor； and besought my
notice by a demeanour and look subdued to Helot humility； I could
not love； I could scarcely pity her。 To answer briefly and dryly
some interesting inquiry about my health—to pass her by with a
stern bow—was all I could； her presence and manner had then；
and for some time previously and consequently； a singular effect
upon me： they sealed up all that was good elicited all that was
noxious in my nature； sometimes they enervated my senses； but
they always hardened my heart。 I was aware of the detriment
done； and quarrelled with myself for the change。 I had ever hated
a tyrant； and； behold； the possession of a slave； self…given； went
near to transform me into what I abhorred！ There was at once a
sort of low gratification in receiving this luscious incense from an
attractive and still young worshipper； and an irritating sense of
degradation in the very experience of the pleasure。 When she stole
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about me with the soft step of a slave； I felt at once barbarous and
sensual as a pasha。 I endured her homage sometimes； sometimes I
rebuked it。 My indifference or harshness served equally to
increase the evil I desired to check。
“Que le dédain lui sied bien！” I once overheard her say to her
mother： “il est beau comme Apollon quand il sourit de son air
hautain。”
And the jolly old dame laughed； and said she thought her
daughter was bewitched； for I had no point of a handsome man
about me； except being straight and without deformity。 “Pour
moi；” she continued； “il me fait tout l’effet d’un chat…huant； avec
ses bésicles。”
Worthy old girl！ I could have gone and kissed her had she not
been a little too old； too fat； and too red…faced； her sensible；
truthful words seemed so wholesome； contrasted with the morbid
illusions of her daughter。
When Pelet awoke on the morning after his frenzy fit； he
retained no recollection of what had happened the previous night；
and his mother fortunately had the discretion to refrain from
informing him that I had been a witness of his degradation。 He did
not again have recourse to wine for curing his griefs； but even in
his sober mood he soon showed that the iron of jealousy had
entered into his soul。 A thorough Frenchman； the national
characteristic of ferocity had not been omitted by nature in
compounding the ingredients of his character； it had appeared
first in his access of drunken wrath； when some of his
demonstrations of hatred to my person were of a truly fiendish
character； and now it was more covertly betrayed by momentary
contractions of the features； and flashes of fierceness in his light
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blue eyes； when their glance chanced to encounter mine。 He
absolutely avoided speaking to me； I was now spared even the
falsehood of his politeness。 In this state of our mutual relations；
my soul rebelled。 sometimes almost ungovernably； against living
in the house and discharging the service of such a man； but who is
free from the constraint of circumstances？ At that time； I was not：
I used to rise each morning eager to shake off his yoke； and go out
with my portmanteau under my arm； if a beggar； at least a
freeman； and in the evening； when I came back from the
pensionnat de demoiselles； a certain pleasant voice in my ear； a
certain face； so intelligent； yet so docile； so reflective； yet so soft； in
my eyes； a certain cast of character； at once proud and pliant；
sensitive and sagacious； serious and ardent； in my head； a certain
tone of feeling； fervid and modest； refined and practical； pure and
powerful； delighting and troubling my memory—visions of new
ties I longed to contract； of new duties I longed to undertake； had
taken the rover and the rebel out of me； and had shown endurance
of my hated lot in the light of a Spartan virtue。
But Pelet’s fury subsided； a fortnight sufficed for its rise；
progress； and extinction： in that space of time the dismissal of the
obnoxious teacher had been effected in the neighbouring house；
and in the same interval I had declared my resolution to follow
and find out my pupil； and upon my application for her address
being refused； I had summarily resigned my own post。 This last
act seemed at once to restore Mdlle Reuter to her senses； her
sagacity； her judgment； so long misled by a fascinating delusion；
struck again into the right track the moment that delusion
vanished。 By the right track； I do not mean the steep and difficult
