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第119章

a far country-第119章

小说: a far country 字数: 每页4000字

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never troubled myself about them; I've never taken on any responsibility
in regard to their bringing up。〃

〃Hugh!〃 she cried。

〃WaitI've got more to tell you; that you ought to know。  I shouldn't be
here to…day if Nancy Durrett had consented toto get a divorce and marry
me。  We had agreed to that when this accident happened to Ham; and she
went back to him。  I have to tell you that I still love herI can't say
how much; or define my feelings toward her now。  I've given up all idea
of her。  I don't think I'd marry her now; even if I had the chance; and
you should decide to live away from me。  I don't know。  I'm not so sure
of myself as I once was。  The fact is; Maude; circumstances have been too
much for me。  I've been beaten。  And I'm not at all certain that it
wasn't a cowardly thing for me to come back to you at all。〃

I felt her hand trembling under mine; but I had not the courage to look
at her。  I heard her call my name again a little cry; the very poignancy
of pity and distress。  It almost unnerved me。

〃I knew that you loved her; Hugh;〃 she said。  〃It was onlyonly a little
while after you married me that I found it out。  I guessed itwomen do
guess such thingslong before you realized it yourself。  You ought to
have married her instead of me。  You would have been happier with her。〃

I did not answer。

〃I; too; have thought a great deal;〃 she went on; after a moment。  〃I
began earlier than you; I had to。〃  I looked up suddenly and saw her
smiling at me; faintly; through her tears。  〃But I've been thinking more;
and learning more since I've been over here。  I've come to see that that
our failure hasn't been as much your fault as I once thought; as much as
you yourself declare。  You have done me a wrong; and you've done the
children a wrong。  Oh; it is frightful to think how little I knew when I
married you; but even then I felt instinctively that you didn't love me
as I deserved to be loved。  And when we came back from Europe I knew that
I couldn't satisfy you; I couldn't look upon life as you saw it; no
matter how hard I tried。  I did try; but it wasn't any use。  You'll never
know how much I've suffered all these years。

〃I have been happier here; away from you; with the children; I've had a
chance to be myself。  It isn't that I'mmuch。  It isn't that I don't
need guidance and counsel andsympathy。  I've missed those; but you've
never given them to me; and I've been learning more and more to do
without them。  I don't know why marriage should suddenly have become such
a mockery and failure in our time; but I know that it is; that ours
hasn't been such an exception as I once thought。  I've come to believe
that divorce is often justified。〃

〃It is justified so far as you are concerned; Maude;〃 I replied。
〃It is not justified for me。  I have forfeited; as I say; any rights over
you。  I have been the aggressor and transgressor from the start。  You
have been a good wife and a good mother; you have been faithful; I have
had absolutely nothing to complain of。〃

〃Sometimes I think I might have tried harder;〃 she said。  〃At least I
might have understood better。  I was stupid。  But everything went wrong。
And I saw you growing away from me all the time; Hugh; growing away from
the friends who were fond of you; as though you were fading in the
distance。  It wasn't wholly becausebecause of Nancy that I left you。
That gave me an excusean excuse for myself。  Long before that I
realized my helplessness; I knew that whatever I might have done was past
doing。〃

〃Yes; I know;;〃 I assented。

We sat in silence for a while。  The train was skirting an ancient town
set on a hill; crowned with a castle and a Gothic church whose windows
were afire in the setting sun。

〃Maude;〃 I said; 〃I have not come to plead; to appeal to your pity as
against your judgment and reason。  I can say this much; that if I do not
love you; as the word is generally understood; I have a new respect for
you; and a new affection; and I think that these will grow。  I have no
doubt that there are some fortunate people who achieve the kind of mutual
love for which it is human to yearn; whose passion is naturally
transmuted into a feeling that may be even finer; but I am inclined to
think; even in such a case; that some effort and unselfishness are
necessary。  At any rate; that has been denied to us; and we can never
know it from our own experience。  We can only hope that there is such a
thing; …yes; and believe in it and work for it。〃

〃Work for it; Hugh?〃 she repeated。

〃For othersfor our children。  I have been thinking about the children a
great deal in the last few months especially about Matthew。〃

〃You always loved him best;〃 she said。

〃Yes;〃 I admitted。  〃I don't know why it should be so。  And in spite of
it; I have neglected him; neglected them; failed to appreciate them all。
I did not deserve them。  I have reproached myself; I have suffered for
it; not as much as I deserved。  I came to realize that the children were
a bond between us; that their existence meant something greater than
either of us。  But at the same time I recognized that I had lost my right
over them; that it was you who had proved yourself worthy。。。。  It was
through the children that I came to think differently; to feel
differently toward you。  I have come to you to ask your forgiveness。〃

〃Oh; Hugh!〃 she cried。

〃Wait;〃 I said。。。。  〃I have come to you; through them。  I want to say
again that I should not be here if I had obtained my desires。  Yet there
is more to it than that。  I think I have reached a stage where I am able
to say that I am glad I didn't obtain them。  I see now that this coming
to you was something I have wanted to do all along; but it was the
cowardly thing to do; after I had failed; for it was not as though I had
conquered the desires; the desires conquered me。  At any rate; I couldn't
come to you to encumber you; to be a drag upon you。  I felt that I must
have something to offer you。  I've got a plan; Maude; for my life; for
our lives。  I don't know whether I can make a success of it; and you are
entitled to decline to take the risk。  I don't fool myself that it will
be all plain sailing; that there won't be difficulties and
discouragements。  But I'll promise to try。〃

〃What is it?〃 she asked; in a low voice。  〃II think I know。〃

〃Perhaps you have guessed it。  I am willing to try to devote what is left
of my life to you and to them。  And I need your help。  I acknowledge it。
Let us try to make more possible for them the life we have missed。〃

〃The life we have missed!〃 she said。

〃Yes。  My mistakes; my failures; have brought us to the edge of a
precipice。  We must prevent; if we can; those mistakes and failures for
them。  The remedy for unhappy marriages; for all mistaken; selfish and
artificial relationships in life is a preventive one。  My plan is that we
try to educate ourselves together; take advantage of the accruing
knowledge that is helping men and women to cope with the problems; to
think straight。  We can then teach our children to think straight; to
avoid the pitfalls into which we have fallen。〃

I paused。  Maude did not reply。  Her face was turned away from me;
towards the red glow of the setting sun above the hills。

〃You have been doing this all along; you have had the vision; the true
vision; while I lacked it; Maude。  I offer to help you。  But if you think
it is impossible for us to live together; if you believe my feeling
toward you is not enough; if you don't think I can do what I propose; or
if you have ceased to care for me〃

She turned to me with a swift movement; her eyes filled with tears。

〃Oh; Hugh; don't say any more。  I can't stand it。  How little you know;
for all your thinking。  I love you; I always have loved you。  I grew to
be ashamed of it; but I'm not any longer。  I haven't any pride any more;
and I never want to have it again。〃

〃You're willing to take me as I am;to try?〃 I said。

〃Yes;〃 she answered; 〃I'm willing to try。〃  She smiled at me。  〃And I
have more faith than you; Hugh。  I think we'll succeed。〃。。。。

At nine o'clock that night; when we came out through the gates of the
big; noisy station; the childre

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