a far country-第14章
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the lawn。 Then； at supper； to cap the climax of untoward incidents； an
animated discussion was begun as to the relative merits of the various
colleges； the girls； too； taking sides。 Mac Willett； Nancy's cousin； was
going to Yale； Gene Hollister to Princeton； the Ewan boys to our State
University； while Perry Blackwood and Ralph Hambleton and Ham Durrett
were destined for Harvard； Tom Peters； also； though he was not to
graduate from the Academy for another year。 I might have known that
Ralph would have suspected my misery。 He sat triumphantly next to Nancy
herself； while I had been told off to entertain the faithful Sophy。
Noticing my silence； he demanded wickedly：
〃Where are you going； Hugh？〃
〃Harvard； I think；〃 I answered with as bold a front as I could muster。
〃I haven't talked it over with my father yet。〃 It was intolerable to
admit that I of them all was to be left behind。
Nancy looked at me in surprise。 She was always downright。
〃Oh； Hugh； doesn't your father mean to put you in business？〃 she
exclaimed。
A hot flush spread over my face。 Even to her I had not betrayed my
apprehensions on this painful subject。 Perhaps it was because of this
very reason； knowing me as she did； that she had divined my fate。 Could
my father have spoken of it to anyone？
〃Not that I know of；〃 I said angrily。 I wondered if she knew how deeply
she had hurt me。 The others laughed。 The colour rose in Nancy's cheeks；
and she gave me an appealing； almost tearful look； but my heart had
hardened。 As soon as supper was over I left the table to wander； nursing
my wrongs； in a far corner of the garden； gay shouts and laughter still
echoing in my ears。 I was negligible； even my pathetic subterfuge had
been detected and cruelly ridiculed by these friends whom I had always
loved and sought out； and who now were so absorbed in their own prospects
and happiness that they cared nothing for mine。 And Nancy！ I had been
betrayed by Nancy！。。。 Twilight was coming on。 I remember glancing down
miserably at the new blue suit I had put on so hopefully for the first
time that afternoon。
Separating the garden from the street was a high； smooth board fence with
a little gate in it； and I had my hand on the latch when I heard the
sound of hurrying steps on the gravel path and a familiar voice calling
my name。
〃Hugh！ Hugh！〃
I turned。 Nancy stood before me。
〃Hugh； you're not going！〃
〃Yes； I am。〃
〃Why？〃
〃If you don't know； there's no use telling you。〃
〃Just because I said your father intended to put you in business！ Oh；
Hugh； why are you so foolish and so proud？ Do you suppose that anyone
that Ithink any the worse of you？〃
Yes； she had read me； she alone had entered into the source of that
prevarication； the complex feelings from which it sprang。 But at that
moment I could not forgive her for humiliating me。 I hugged my
grievance。
〃It was true； what I said；〃 I declared hotly。 〃My father has not spoken。
It is true that I'm going to college； because I'll make it true。 I may
not go this year。〃
She stood staring in sheer surprise at sight of my sudden； quivering
passion。 I think the very intensity of it frightened her。 And then；
without more ado； I opened the gate and was gone。。。。
That night； though I did not realize it； my journey into a Far Country
was begun。
The misery that followed this incident had one compensating factor。
Although too late to electrify Densmore and Principal Haime with my
scholarship； I was determined to go to college now； somehow； sometime。 I
would show my father； these companions of mine； and above all Nancy
herself the stuff of which I was made； compel them sooner or later to
admit that they had misjudged me。 I had been possessed by similar
resolutions before； though none so strong； and they had a way of sinking
below the surface of my consciousness； only to rise again and again until
by sheer pressure they achieved realization。
Yet I might have returned to Nancy if something had not occurred which I
would have thought unbelievable： she began to show a marked preference
for Ralph Hambleton。 At first I regarded this affair as the most obvious
of retaliations。 She； likewise； had pride。 Gradually； however； a
feeling of uneasiness crept over me： as pretence； her performance was
altogether too realistic； she threw her whole soul into it； danced with
Ralph as often as she had ever danced with me； took walks with him；
deferred to his opinions until； in spite of myself； I became convinced
that the preference was genuine。 I was a curious mixture of self…
confidence and self…depreciation； and never had his superiority seemed
more patent than now。 His air of satisfaction was maddening。
How well I remember his triumph on that hot； June morning of our
graduation from Densmore； a triumph he had apparently achieved without
labour； and which he seemed to despise。 A fitful breeze blew through the
chapel at the top of the building； we； the graduates； sat in two rows
next to the platform； and behind us the wooden benches nicked by many
kniveswere filled with sisters and mothers and fathers； some anxious；
some proud and some sad。 So brief a span； like that summer's day； and
youth was gone！ Would the time come when we； too； should sit by the
waters of Babylon and sigh for it？ The world was upside down。
We read the one hundred and third psalm。 Then Principal Haime； in his
long 〃Prince Albert〃 and a ridiculously inadequate collar that emphasized
his scrawny neck； reminded us of the sacred associations we had formed；
of the peculiar responsibilities that rested on us； who were the
privileged of the city。 〃We had crossed to…day；〃 he said； 〃an invisible
threshold。 Some were to go on to higher institutions of learning。
Others。。。〃 I gulped。 Quoting the Scriptures； he complimented those who
had made the most of their opportunities。 And it was then that he called
out； impressively； the name of Ralph Forrester Hambleton。 Summa cum
laude！ Suddenly I was seized with passionate； vehement regrets at the
sound of the applause。 I might have been the prize scholar； instead of
Ralph； if I had only worked； if I had only realized what this focussing
day of graduation meant！ I might have been a marked individual； with
people murmuring words of admiration； of speculation concerning the
brilliancy of my future！。。。 When at last my name was called and I rose
to receive my diploma it seemed as though my incompetency had been
proclaimed to the world。。。
That evening I stood in the narrow gallery of the flag…decked gymnasium
and watched Nancy dancing with Ralph。
I let her go without protest or reproach。 A mysterious lesion seemed to
have taken place； I felt astonished and relieved； yet I was heavy with
sadness。 My emancipation had been bought at a price。 Something hitherto
spontaneous； warm and living was withering within me。
V。
It was true to my father's character that he should have waited until the
day after graduation to discuss my future； if discussion be the proper
word。 The next evening at supper he informed me that he wished to talk
to me in the sitting…room； whither I followed him with a sinking heart。
He seated himself at his desk； and sat for a moment gazing at me with a
curious and benumbing expression； and then the blow fell。
〃Hugh； I have spoken to your Cousin Robert Breck about you； and he has
kindly consented to give you a trial。〃
〃To give me a trial； sir！〃 I exclaimed。
〃To employ you at a small but reasonable salary。〃
I could find no words to express my dismay。 My dreams had come to this；
that I was to be made a clerk in a grocery store！ The fact that it was a
wholesale grocery store was little consolation。
〃But father；〃 I faltered； 〃I don't want to go into business。〃
〃Ah！〃 The sharpness of the exclamation might have betrayed to me the
pain in which he was； but he recovered himself instantly。 And I could
see nothing but an inexorable justice closing in on me mechanically； a
blind justice； in its inability to read my soul。 〃The time to have
decided that；〃 he declared； 〃was some years ago； my son。 I have given
you the best schooling a boy can ha
