a far country-第17章
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desperate indeed！ Even the contemplation of Robert Breck did not console
me； and yet here； in truth； was a life which might have served me as a
model。 His store was his castle； and his reputation for integrity and
square dealing as wide as the city。 Often I used to watch him with a
certain envy as he stood in the doorway； his hands in his pockets； and
greeted fellow…merchant and banker with his genuine and dignified
directness。 This man was his own master。 They all called him 〃Robert；〃
and they made it clear by their manner that they knew they were
addressing one who fulfilled his obligations and asked no favours。
Crusty old Nathaniel Durrett once declared that when you bought a bill of
goods from Robert Breck you did not have to check up the invoice or
employ a chemist。 Here was a character to mould upon。 If my ambition
could but have been bounded by Breck and Company； I； too； might have come
to stand in that doorway content with a tribute that was greater than
Caesar's。
I had been dreading the Christmas holidays； which were indeed to be no
holidays for me。 And when at length they arrived they brought with them
from the East certain heroes fashionably clad； citizens now of a larger
world than mine。 These former companions had become superior beings；
they could not help showing it； and their presence destroyed the Balance
of Things。 For alas； I had not wholly abjured the feminine sex after
all！ And from being a somewhat important factor in the lives of Ruth
Hollister and other young women I suddenly became of no account。 New
interests； new rivalries and loyalties had arisen in which I had no
share； I must perforce busy myself with invoices of flour and coffee and
canned fruits while sleigh rides and coasting and skating expeditions to
Blackstone Lake followed one another day after day；for the irony of
circumstances had decreed a winter uncommonly cold。 There were evening
parties； too； where I felt like an alien； though my friends were guilty
of no conscious neglect； and had I been able to accept the situation
simply； I should not have suffered。
The principal event of those holidays was a play given in the old
Hambleton house （which later became the Boyne Club）； under the direction
of the lively and talented Mrs。 Watling。 I was invited； indeed； to
participate； but even if I had had the desire I could not have done so；
since the rehearsals were carried on in the daytime。 Nancy was the
leading lady。 I have neglected to mention that she too had been away
almost continuously since our misunderstanding； for the summer in the
mountains；a sojourn recommended for her mother's health； and in the
autumn she had somewhat abruptly decided to go East to boarding…school at
Farmington。 During the brief months of her absence she had marvellously
acquired maturity and aplomb； a worldliness of manner and a certain
frivolity that seemed to put those who surrounded her on a lower plane。
She was only seventeen； yet she seemed the woman of thirty whose role she
played。 First there were murmurs； then sustained applause。 I scarcely
recognized her： she had taken wings and soared far above me； suggesting a
sphere of power and luxury hitherto unimagined and beyond the scope of
the world to which I belonged。
Her triumph was genuine。 When the play was over she was immediately
surrounded by enthusiastic admirers eager to congratulate her； to dance
with her。 I too would have gone forward； but a sense of inadequacy； of
unimportance； of an inability to cope with her； held me back； and from a
corner I watched her sweeping around the room； holding up her train； and
leaning on the arm of Bob Lansing； a classmate whom Ralph had brought
home from Harvard。 Then it was Ralph's turn： that affair seemed still to
be going on。 My feelings were a strange medley of despondency and
stimulation。。。。
Our eyes met。 Her partner now was Ham Durrett。 Capriciously releasing
him； she stood before me；
〃Hugh； you haven't asked me to dance； or even told me what you thought of
the play。〃
〃I thought it was splendid；〃 I said lamely。
Because she refrained from replying I was farther than ever from
understanding her。 How was I to divine what she felt？ or whether any
longer she felt at all？ Here； in this costume of a woman of the world；
with the string of pearls at her neck to give her the final touch of
brilliancy； was a strange； new creature who baffled and silenced me。。。。
We had not gone halfway across the room when she halted abruptly。
〃I'm tired；〃 she exclaimed。 〃I don't feel like dancing just now；〃 and
led the way to the big； rose punch…bowl； one of the Durretts' most
cherished possessions。 Glancing up at me over the glass of lemonade I
had given her she went on： 〃Why haven't you been to see me since I came
home？ I've wanted to talk to you； to hear how you are getting along。〃
Was she trying to make amends； or reminding me in this subtle way of the
cause of our quarrel？ What I was aware of as I looked at her was an
attitude； a vantage point apparently gained by contact with that
mysterious outer world which thus vicariously had laid its spell on me；
I was tremendously struck by the thought that to achieve this attitude
meant emancipation； invulnerability against the aches and pains which
otherwise our fellow…beings had the power to give us； mastery over life；
the ability to choose calmly； as from a height； what were best for one's
self； untroubled by loves and hates。 Untroubled by loves and hates！ At
that very moment； paradoxically； I loved her madly； but with a love not
of the old quality； a love that demanded a vantage point of its own。
Even though she had made an advanceand some elusiveness in her manner
led me to doubt it I could not go to her now。 I must go as a conqueror；
a conqueror in the lists she herself had chosen； where the prize is
power。
〃Oh； I'm getting along pretty well；〃 I said。 〃At any rate； they don't
complain of me。〃
〃Somehow；〃 she ventured； 〃somehow it's hard to think of you as a business
man。〃
I took this for a reference to the boast I had made that I would go to
college。
〃Business isn't so bad as it might be；〃 I assured her。
〃I think a man ought to go away to college；〃 she declared； in what seemed
another tone。 〃He makes friends； learns certain things；it gives him
finish。 We are very provincial here。〃
Provincial！ I did not stop to reflect how recently she must have
acquired the word； it summed up precisely the self…estimate at which I
had arrived。 The sting went deep。 Before I could think of an effective
reply Nancy was being carried off by the young man from the East； who was
clearly infatuated。 He was not provincial。 She smiled back at me
brightly over his shoulder。。。。 In that instant were fused in one
resolution all the discordant elements within me of aspiration and
discontent。 It was not so much that I would show Nancy what I intended
to doI would show myself； and I felt a sudden elation； and accession of
power that enabled me momentarily to despise the puppets with whom she
danced。。。。 From this mood I was awakened with a start to feel a hand on
my shoulder； and I turned to confront her father； McAlery Willett； a
gregarious； easygoing； pleasure…loving gentleman who made only a pretence
of business； having inherited an ample fortune from his father； unique
among his generation in our city in that he paid some attention to
fashion in his dress； good living was already beginning to affect his
figure。 His mellow voice had a way of breaking an octave。
〃Don't worry； my boy；〃 he said。 〃You stick to business。 These college
fellows are cocks of the walk just now； but some day you'll be able to
snap your fingers at all of 'em。〃
The next day was dark； overcast； smoky； damp…the soft； unwholesome
dampness that follows a spell of hard frost。 I spent the morning and
afternoon on the gloomy third floor of Breck and Company； making a list
of the stock。 I remember the place as though I had just stepped out of
it； the freight elevator at the back； the dusty； iron columns； the
continuous piles of cases and bags and barrels with narrow aisles between
them； the dirty windows； spott
