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第45章

a far country-第45章

小说: a far country 字数: 每页4000字

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〃That isn't quite fair; Nancy;〃 I protested。  〃You haven't given me much
evidence that you did think about me。〃

〃Have I received much encouragement to do so?〃 she inquired。

〃But you haven't seemed to inviteyou've kept me at arm's length。〃

〃Oh; don't fence!〃 she cried; rather sharply。

I had become agitated; but her next words gave me a shock that was
momentarily paralyzing。

〃I asked you to come here to…day; Hugh; because I wished you to know that
I have made up my mind to marry Hambleton Durrett。〃

〃Hambleton Durrett!〃 I echoed stupidly。  〃Hambleton Durrett!〃

〃Why not?〃

〃Have youhave you accepted him?〃

〃No。  But I mean to do so。〃

〃Youyou love him?〃

〃I don't see what right you have to ask。〃

〃But you just said that you invited me here to talk frankly。〃

〃No; I don't love him。〃

〃Then why; in heaven's name; are you going to marry him?〃

She lay back in her chair; regarding me; her lips slightly parted。  All
at once the full flavour of her; the superfine quality was revealed after
years of blindness。Nor can I describe the sudden rebellion; the
revulsion that I experienced。  Hambleton Durrett!  It was an outrage; a
sacrilege!  I got up; and put my hand on the mantel。  Nancy remained
motionless; inert; her head lying back against the chair。  Could it be
that she were enjoying my discomfiture?  There is no need to confess that
I knew next to nothing of women; had I been less excited; I might have
made the discovery that I still regarded them sentimentally。  Certain
romantic axioms concerning them; garnered from Victorian literature;
passed current in my mind for wisdom; and one of these declared that they
were prone to remain true to an early love。  Did Nancy still care for me?
The query; coming as it did on top of my emotion; brought with it a
strange and overwhelming perplexity。  Did I really care for her?  The
many years during which I had practised the habit of caution began to
exert an inhibiting pressure。  Here was a situation; an opportunity
suddenly thrust upon me which might never return; and which I was utterly
unprepared to meet。  Would I be happy with Nancy; after all?  Her
expression was still enigmatic。

〃Why shouldn't I marry him?〃 she demanded。

〃Because he's not good enough for you。〃

〃Good!〃 she exclaimed; and laughed。  〃He loves me。  He wants me without
reservation or calculation。〃  There was a sting in this。  〃And is he any
worse;〃 she asked slowly; 〃than many others who might be mentioned?〃

〃No;〃 I agreed。  I did not intend to be led into the thankless and
disagreeable position of condemning Hambleton Durrett。  〃But why have you
waited all these years if you did not mean to marry a man of ability; a
man who has made something of himself?〃

〃A man like you; Hugh?〃 she said gently。

I flushed。

〃That isn't quite fair; Nancy。〃

〃What are you working for?〃 she suddenly inquired; straightening up。

〃What any man works for; I suppose。〃

〃Ah; there you have hit it;what any man works for in our world。
Power;personal power。  You want to be somebody;isn't that it?  Not
the noblest ambition; you'll have to admit;not the kind of thing we
used to dream about; when we did dream。  Well; when we find we can't
realize our dreams; we take the next best thing。  And I fail to see why
you should blame me for taking it when you yourself have taken it。
Hambleton Durrett can give it to me。  He'll accept me on my own terms; he
won't interfere with me; I shan't be disillusionized;and I shall have a
position which I could not hope to have if I remained unmarried; a very
marked position as Hambleton Durrett's wife。  I am thirty; you know。〃

Her frankness appalled me。

〃The trouble with you; Hugh; is that you still deceive yourself。  You
throw a glamour over things。  You want to keep your cake and eat it too。

〃I don't see why you say that。  And marriage especially〃

She took me up。

〃Marriage!  What other career is open to a woman?  Unless she is married;
and married well; according to the money standard you men have set up;
she is nobody。  We can't all be Florence Nightingales; and I am unable to
imagine myself a Julia Ward Howe or a Harriet Beecher Stowe。  What is
left?  Nothing but marriage。  I'm hard and cynical; you will say; but I
have thought; and I'm not afraid; as I have told you; to look things in
the face。  There are very few women; I think; who would not take the real
thing if they had the chance before it were too late; who wouldn't be
willing to do their own cooking in order to get it。〃

She fell silent suddenly。  I began to pace the room。

〃For God's sake; don't do this; Nancy!〃 I begged。

But she continued to stare into the fire; as though she had not heard me。

〃If you had made up your mind to do it; why did you tell me?〃 I asked。

〃Sentiment; I suppose。  I am paying a tribute to what I once was; to what
you once were;〃 she said。  Aa sort of good…bye to sentiment。〃

〃Nancy!〃 I said hoarsely。

She shook her head。

〃No; Hugh。  Surely you can't misjudge me so!〃 she answered reproachfully。
〃Do you think I should have sent for you if I had meantthat!〃

〃No; no; I didn't think so。  But why not?  Youyou cared once; and you
tell me plainly you don't love him。  It was all a terrible mistake。  We
were meant for each other。〃

〃I did love you then;〃 she said。  〃You never knew how much。  And there is
nothing I wouldn't give to bring it all back again。  But I can't。  It's
gone。  You're gone; and I'm gone。  I mean what we were。  Oh; why did you
change?〃

〃It was you who changed;〃 I declared; bewildered。

〃Couldn't you seecan't you see now what you did?  But perhaps you
couldn't help it。  Perhaps it was just you; after all。〃

〃What I did?〃

〃Why couldn't you have held fast to your faith?  If you had; you would
have known what it was I adored in you。  Oh; I don't mind telling you
now; it was just that faith; Hugh; that faith you had in life; that faith
you had in me。  You weren't cynical and calculating; like Ralph
Hambleton; you had imagination。  II dreamed; too。  And do you remember
the time when you made the boat; and we went to Logan's Pond; and you
sank in her?〃

〃And you stayed;〃 I went on; 〃when all the others ran away?  You ran down
the hill like a whirlwind。〃

She laughed。

〃And then you came here one day; to a party; and said you were going to
Harvard; and quarrelled with me。〃

〃Why did you doubt met〃 I asked agitatedly。  〃Why didn't you let me see
that you still cared?〃

〃Because that wasn't you; Hugh; that wasn't your real self。  Do you
suppose it mattered to me whether you went to Harvard with the others?
Oh; I was foolish too; I know。  I shouldn't have said what I did。  But
what is the use of regrets?〃 she exclaimed。  〃We've both run after the
practical gods; and the others have hidden their faces from us。  It may
be that we are not to blame; either of us; that the practical gods are
too strong。  We've learned to love and worship them; and now we can't do
without them。〃

〃We can try; Nancy;〃 I pleaded。

〃No;〃 she answered in a low voice; 〃that's the difference between you and
me。  I know myself better than you know yourself; and I know you better。〃
She smiled again。  〃Unless we could have it all back again; I shouldn't
want any of it。  You do not love me〃

I started once more to protest。

〃No; no; don't say it!〃 she cried。

〃You may think you do; just this moment; but it's only becauseyou've
been moved。  And what you believe you want isn't me; it's what I was。
But I'm not that any more;I'm simply recalling that; don't you see?
And even then you wouldn't wish me; now; as I was。  That sounds involved;
but you must understand。  You want a woman who will be wrapped up in your
career; Hugh; and yet who will not share it;who will devote herself
body and soul to what you have become。  A woman whom you can shape。  And
you won't really love her; but only just so much of her as may become the
incarnation of you。  Well; I'm not that kind of woman。  I might have
been; had you been different。  I'm not at all sure。  Certainly I'm not
that kind now; even though I know in my heart that the sort of career you
have made for yourself; and that I intend t

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