a far country-第66章
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of the case she can know nothing about。〃
〃But a woman must think for herself；〃 she declared。 〃She shouldn't
become a mere automaton；and these questions involve so much！ People
are discussing them； the magazines and periodicals are beginning to take
them up。〃
I stared at her； somewhat appalled by this point of view。 There had；
indeed； been signs of its development before now； but I had not heeded
them。 And for the first time I beheld Maude in a new light。
〃Oh； it's not that I don't trust you；〃 she continued； 〃I'm open to
conviction； but I must be convinced。 Your explanation of this Galligan
case seems a sensible one； although it's depressing。 But life is hard
and depressing sometimes I've come to realize that。 I want to think over
what you've said； I want to talk over it some more。 Why won't you tell
me more of what you are doing？ If you only would confide in meas you
have now！ I can't help seeing that we are growing farther and farther
apart； that business； your career； is taking all of you and leaving me
nothing。〃 She faltered； and went on again。 〃It's difficult to tell you
thisyou never give me the chance。 And it's not for my sake alone； but
for yours； too。 You are growing more and more self…centred； surrounding
yourself with a hard shell。 You don't realize it； but Tom notices it；
Perry notices it； it hurts them； it's that they complain of。 Hugh！〃 she
cried appealingly； sensing my resentment； forestalling the words of
defence ready on my lips。 〃I know that you are busy； that many men
depend on you； it isn't that I'm not proud of you and your success； but
you don't understand what a woman craves；she doesn't want only to be a
good housekeeper； a good mother； but she wants to share a little； at any
rate； in the life of her husband； in his troubles as well as in his
successes。 She wants to be of some little use； of some little help to
him。〃
My feelings were reduced to a medley。
〃But you are a help to mea great help；〃 I protested。
She shook her head。 〃I wish I were；〃 she said。
It suddenly occurred to me that she might be。 I was softened； and
alarmed by the spectacle she had revealed of the widening breach between
us。 I laid my hand on her shoulder。
〃Well； I'll try to do better； Maude。〃
She looked up at me； questioningly yet gratefully； through a mist of
tears。 But her replywhatever it might have beenwas forestalled by
the sound of shouts and laughter in the hallway。 She sprang up and ran
to the door。
〃It's the children；〃 she exclaimed； 〃they've come home from Susan's
party！〃
It begins indeed to look as if I were writing this narrative upside down；
for I have said nothing about children。 Perhaps one reason for this
omission is that I did not really appreciate them； that I found it
impossible to take the same minute interest in them as Tom； for instance；
who was； apparently； not content alone with the six which he possessed；
but had adopted mine。 One of them； little Sarah； said 〃Uncle Tom〃 before
〃Father。〃 I do not mean to say that I had not occasional moments of
tenderness toward them； but they were out of my thoughts much of the
time。 I have often wondered； since； how they regarded me； how； in their
little minds； they defined the relationship。 Generally； when I arrived
home in the evening I liked to sit down before my study fire and read the
afternoon newspapers or a magazine； but occasionally I went at once to
the nursery for a few moments； to survey with complacency the medley of
toys on the floor； and to kiss all three。 They received my caresses with
a certain shynessthe two younger ones； at least； as though they were at
a loss to place me as a factor in the establishment。 They tumbled over
each other to greet Maude； and even Tom。 If I were an enigma to them；
what must they have thought of him？ Sometimes I would discover him on
the nursery floor； with one or two of his own children； building towers
and castles and railroad stations； or forts to be attacked and demolished
by regiments of lead soldiers。 He was growing comfortable…looking； if
not exactly stout； prematurely paternal； oddly willing to renounce the
fiercer joys of life； the joys of acquisition； of conquest； of youth。
〃You'd better come home with me； Chickabiddy；〃 he would say； 〃that father
of yours doesn't appreciate you。 He's too busy getting rich。〃
〃Chickabiddy；〃 was his name for little Sarah。 Half of the name stuck to
her； and when she was older we called her Biddy。
She would gaze at him questioningly； her eyes like blue flower cups； a
strange little mixture of solemnity and bubbling mirth； of shyness and
impulsiveness。 She had fat legs that creased above the tops of the
absurd little boots that looked to be too tight； sometimes she rolled and
tumbled in an ecstasy of abandon； and again she would sit motionless； as
though absorbed in dreams。 Her hair was like corn silk in the sun；
twisting up into soft curls after her bath； when she sat rosily presiding
over her supper table。
As I look back over her early infancy； I realize that I loved her；
although it is impossible for me to say how much of this love is
retrospective。 Why I was not mad about her every hour of the day is a
puzzle to me now。 Why； indeed； was I not mad about all three of them？
There were moments when I held and kissed them； when something within me
melted： moments when I was away from them； and thought of them。 But
these moments did not last。 The something within me hardened again； I
became indifferent； my family was wiped out of my consciousness as though
it had never existed。
There was Matthew； for instance； the oldest。 When he arrived； he was to
Maude a never…ending miracle； she would have his crib brought into her
room； and I would find her leaning over the bedside； gazing at him with a
rapt expression beyond my comprehension。 To me he was just a brick…red
morsel of humanity； all folds and wrinkles； and not at all remarkable in
any way。 Maude used to annoy me by getting out of bed in the middle of
the night when he cried； and at such times I was apt to wonder at the
odd trick the life…force had played me； and ask myself why I got married
at all。 It was a queer method of carrying on the race。 Later on； I began
to take a cursory interest in him； to watch for signs in him of certain
characteristics of my own youth which； in the philosophy of my manhood； I
had come to regard as defects。 And it disturbed me somewhat to see these
signs appear。 I wished him to be what I had become by force of willa
fighter。 But he was a sensitive child； anxious for approval； not robust；
though spiritual rather than delicate； even in comparative infancy he
cared more for books than toys； and his greatest joy was in being read
to。 In spite of these traitsperhaps because of themthere was a
sympathy between us。 From the time that he could talk the child seemed
to understand me。 Occasionally I surprised him gazing at me with a
certain wistful look that comes back to me as I write。
Moreton； Tom used to call Alexander the Great because he was a fighter
from the cradle； beating his elder brother； too considerate to strike
back； and likewisewhen opportunity offeredhis sister； and
appropriating their toys。 A self…sufficient； doughty young man； with the
round head that withstands many blows； taking by nature to competition
and buccaneering in general。 I did not love him half so much as I did
Matthewif such intermittent emotions as mine may be called love。 It
was a standing joke of minewhich Maude strongly resentedthat Moreton
resembled Cousin George of Elkington。
Imbued with the highest ambition of my time； I had set my barque on a
great circle； and almost before I realized it the barque was burdened
with a wife and family and the steering had insensibly become more
difficult； for Maude cared nothing about the destination； and when I took
any hand off the wheel our ship showed a tendency to make for a quiet
harbour。 Thus the social initiative； which I believed should have been
the woman's； was thrust back on me。 It was almost incredible； yet
indisputable； in a day when most American women were credited with a
craving for soc
