condensed novels(压缩小说)-第26章
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what you English call corpulent。 Ha； ha！ I am a pupil of Macchiavelli。 I
find it much better to disbelieve everything； and to approach my subject
and wishes circuitously； than in a direct manner。 You have observed that
playful animal； the cat。 Call it； and it does not come to you directly； but
rubs itself against all the furniture in the room； and reaches you finally
and scratches。 Ah； ha； scratches！ I am of the feline species。 People call me
a villainbah！
I know the family； living No。 27 Limehouse Road。 I respect the
gentleman；a fine； burly specimen of your Englishman；and madame；
charming； ravishing； delightful。 When it became known to me that they
designed to let their delightful residence； and visit foreign shores； I at once
called upon them。 I kissed the hand of madame。 I embraced the great
Englishman。 Madame blushed slightly。 The great Englishman shook my
hand like a mastiff。
I began in that dexterous； insinuating manner； of which I am truly
proud。 I thought madame was ill。 Ah； no。 A change； then； was all that was
required。 I sat down at the piano and sang。 In a few minutes madame
retired。 I was alone with my friend。
Seizing his hand； I began with every demonstration of courteous
sympathy。 I do not repeat my words； for my intention was conveyed more
in accent； emphasis； and manner； than speech。 I hinted to him that he had
another wife living。 I suggested that this was balancedha！by his wife's
lover。 That； possibly； he wished to fly； hence the letting of his delightful
mansion。 That he regularly and systematically beat his wife in the English
manner； and that she repeatedly deceived me。 I talked of hope； of
consolation； of remedy。 I carelessly produced a bottle of strychnine and a
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small vial of stramonium from my pocket； and enlarged on the efficiency
of drugs。 His face； which had gradually become convulsed； suddenly
became fixed with a frightful expression。 He started to his feet； and roared：
〃You dd Frenchman！〃
I instantly changed my tactics； and endeavored to embrace him。 He
kicked me twice； violently。 I begged permission to kiss madame's hand。
He replied by throwing me down stairs。
I am in bed with my head bound up； and beef…steaks upon my eyes；
but still confident and buoyant。 I have not lost faith in Macchiavelli。 Tra la
la！ as they sing in the opera。 I kiss everybody's hands。
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CHAPTER V。
DR。 DIGGS'S STATEMENT。
My name is David Diggs。 I am a surgeon； living at No。 9 Tottenham
Court。 On the 15th of June； 1854； I was called to see an elderly gentleman
lodging on the Kent Road。 Found him highly excited； with strong febrile
symptoms； pulse 120； increasing。 Repeated incoherently what I judged to
be the popular form of a conundrum。 On closer examination found acute
hydrocephalus and both lobes of the brain rapidly filling with water。 In
consultation with an eminent phrenologist； it was further discovered that
all the organs were more or less obliterated； except that of Comparison。
Hence the patient was enabled to only distinguish the most common points
of resemblance between objects； without drawing upon other faculties；
such as Ideality or Language； for assistance。 Later in the day found him
sinking；being evidently unable to carry the most ordinary conundrum to
a successful issue。 Exhibited Tinct。 Val。； Ext。 Opii； and Camphor； and
prescribed quiet and emollients。 On the 17th the patient was missing。
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CHAPTER VI。
STATEMENT OF THE PUBLISHER。
On the 18th of June； Mr。 Wilkie Collins left a roll of manuscript with
us for publication； without title or direction； since which time he has not
been heard from。 In spite of the care of the proof…readers； and valuable
literary assistance； it is feared that the continuity of the story has been
destroyed by some accidental misplacing of chapters during its progress。
How and what chapters are so misplaced； the publisher leaves to an
indulgent public to discover。
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N N。BEING A NOVEL IN THE
FRENCH PARAGRAPHIC STYLE。
Mademoiselle； I swear to you that I love you。
You who read these pages。 You who turn your burning eyes upon
these wordswords that I trace Ah； Heaven！ the thought maddens me。
I will be calm。 I will imitate the reserve of the festive Englishman；
who wears a spotted handkerchief which he calls a Belchio； who eats
biftek； and caresses a bulldog。 I will subdue myself like him。
Ha！ Poto…beer！ All rightGoddam！
Or； I will conduct myself as the free…born Americanthe gay Brother
Jonathan！ I will whittle me a stick。 I will whistle to myself 〃Yankee
Doodle；〃 and forget my passion in excessive expectoration。 Hoho！wake
snakes and walk chalks。
The world is divided into two great divisions；Paris and the
provinces。 There is but one Paris。 There are several provinces； among
which may be numbered England； America； Russia； and Italy。
N N。 was a Parisian。
But N N。 did not live in Paris。 Drop a Parisian in the provinces； and
you drop a part of Paris with him。 Drop him in Senegambia； and in three
days he will give you an omelette soufflee； or a pate de foie gras； served
by the neatest of Senegambian filles； whom he will call Mademoiselle。 In
three weeks he will give you an opera。
N N。 was not dropped in Senegambia； but in San Francisco；quite as
awkward。
They find gold in San Francisco； but they don't understand gilding。
N N。 existed three years in this place。 He became bald on the top of his
head； as all Parisians do。 Look down from your box at the Opera Comique；
Mademoiselle； and count the bald crowns of the fast young men in the pit。
Ahyou tremble！ They show where the arrows of love have struck and
glanced off。
N N。 was also near…sighted； as all Parisians finally become。 This is a
gallant provision of Nature to spare them the mortification of observing
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that their lady friends grow old。 After a certain age every woman is
handsome to a Parisian。
One day； N N。 was walking down Washington street。 Suddenly he
stopped。
He was standing before the door of a mantuamaker。 Beside the counter；
at the farther extremity of the shop； stood a young and elegantly formed
woman。 Her face was turned from N N。 He entered。 With a plausible
excuse； and seeming indifference； he gracefully opened conversation with
the mantuamaker as only a Parisian can。 But he had to deal with a Parisian。
His attempts to view the features of the fair stranger by the counter were
deftly combated by the shop…woman。 He was obliged to retire。
N N。 went ho
