the aspern papers-第23章

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there　was　too　strong　a　taste　of　the　disagreeable　in　my　life。

I　had　been　devilish　awkward；　as　the　young　men　say；　to　be　found　by　Miss

Bordereau　in　the　dead　of　night　examining　the　attachment　of　her　bureau；

and　it　had　not　been　less　so　to　have　to　believe　for　a　good　many　hours

afterward　that　it　was　highly　probable　I　had　killed　her。　　In　writing

to　Miss　Tita　I　attempted　to　minimize　these　irregularities；　but　as　she　gave

me　no　word　of　answer　I　could　not　know　what　impression　I　made　upon　her。

It　rankled　in　my　mind　that　I　had　been　called　a　publishing　scoundrel；

for　certainly　I　did　publish　and　certainly　I　had　not　been　very　delicate。

There　was　a　moment　when　I　stood　convinced　that　the　only　way　to　make　up

for　this　latter　fault　was　to　take　myself　away　altogether　on　the　instant；

to　sacrifice　my　hopes　and　relieve　the　two　poor　women　forever　of　the　oppression

of　my　intercourse。　　Then　I　reflected　that　I　had　better　try　a　short

absence　first；　for　I　must　already　have　had　a　sense　（unexpressed　and　dim）

that　in　disappearing　completely　it　would　not　be　merely　my　own　hopes　that　I

should　condemn　to　extinction。　　It　would　perhaps　be　sufficient　if　I　stayed

away　long　enough　to　give　the　elder　lady　time　to　think　she　was　rid　of　me。

That　she　would　wish　to　be　rid　of　me　after　this　（if　I　was　not　rid　of　her）

was　now　not　to　be　doubted：　　that　nocturnal　scene　would　have　cured　her

of　the　disposition　to　put　up　with　my　company　for　the　sake　of　my　dollars。

I　said　to　myself　that　after　all　I　could　not　abandon　Miss　Tita；　and　I　continued

to　say　this　even　while　I　observed　that　she　quite　failed　to　comply　with　my

earnest　request　（I　had　given　her　two　or　three　addresses；　at　little　towns；

post　restante）　that　she　would　let　me　know　how　she　was　getting　on。

I　would　have　made　my　servant　write　to　me　but　that　he　was　unable　to　manage

a　pen。　　It　struck　me　there　was　a　kind　of　scorn　in　Miss　Tita's　silence

（little　disdainful　as　she　had　ever　been）；　so　that　I　was　uncomfortable

and　sore。　　I　had　scruples　about　going　back　and　yet　I　had　others

about　not　doing　so；　for　I　wanted　to　put　myself　on　a　better　footing。

The　end　of　it　was　that　I　did　return　to　Venice　on　the　twelfth　day；

and　as　my　gondola　gently　bumped　against　Miss　Bordereau's　steps　a　certain

palpitation　of　suspense　told　me　that　I　had　done　myself　a　violence

in　holding　off　so　long。



I　had　faced　about　so　abruptly　that　I　had　not　telegraphed　to　my　servant。

He　was　therefore　not　at　the　station　to　meet　me；　but　he　poked

out　his　head　from　an　upper　window　when　I　reached　the　house。

〃They　have　put　her　into　the　earth；　la　vecchia；〃　he　said　to　me

in　the　lower　hall；　while　he　shouldered　my　valise；　and　he　grinned

and　almost　winked；　as　if　he　knew　I　should　be　pleased　at　the　news。



〃She's　dead！〃　　I　exclaimed；　giving　him　a　very　different　look。



〃So　it　appears；　since　they　have　buried　her。〃



〃It's　all　over？　　When　was　the　funeral？〃



〃The　other　yesterday。　　But　a　funeral　you　could　scarcely

call　it；　signore；　it　was　a　dull　little　passeggio　of　two　gondolas。

Poveretta！〃　the　man　continued；　referring　apparently　to　Miss　Tita。

His　conception　of　funerals　was　apparently　that　they　were　mainly

to　amuse　the　living。



I　wanted　to　know　about　Miss　Titahow　she　was　and　where　she　was

but　I　asked　him　no　more　questions　till　we　had　got　upstairs。

Now　that　the　fact　had　met　me　I　took　a　bad　view　of　it；

especially　of　the　idea　that　poor　Miss　Tita　had　had　to　manage

by　herself　after　the　end。　　What　did　she　know　about　arrangements；

about　the　steps　to　take　in　such　a　case？　　Poveretta　indeed！

I　could　only　hope　that　the　doctor　had　given　her　assistance

and　that　she　had　not　been　neglected　by　the　old　friends

of　whom　she　had　told　me；　the　little　band　of　the　faithful

whose　fidelity　consisted　in　coming　to　the　house　once　a　year。

I　elicited　from　my　servant　that　two　old　ladies　and　an　old　gentleman

had　in　fact　rallied　round　Miss　Tita　and　had　supported　her

（they　had　come　for　her　in　a　gondola　of　their　own）　during　the

journey　to　the　cemetery；　the　little　red…walled　island　of　tombs

which　lies　to　the　north　of　the　town；　on　the　way　to　Murano。

It　appeared　from　these　circumstances　that　the　Misses　Bordereau

were　Catholics；　a　discovery　I　had　never　made；　as　the　old　woman

could　not　go　to　church　and　her　niece；　so　far　as　I　perceived；

either　did　not　or　went　only　to　early　mass　in　the　parish；

before　I　was　stirring。　　Certainly　even　the　priests　respected

their　seclusion；　I　had　never　caught　the　whisk　of　the　curato's　skirt。

That　evening；　an　hour　later；　I　sent　my　servant　down　with　five

words　written　on　a　card；　to　ask　Miss　Tita　if　she　would　see　me

for　a　few　moments。　　She　was　not　in　the　house；　where　he　had

sought　her；　he　told　me　when　he　came　back；　but　in　the　garden

walking　about　to　refresh　herself　and　gathering　flowers。

He　had　found　her　there　and　she　would　be　very　happy　to　see　me。



I　went　down　and　passed　half　an　hour　with　poor　Miss　Tita。

She　had　always　had　a　look　of　musty　mourning　（as　if　she

were　wearing　out　old　robes　of　sorrow　that　would　not　come

to　an　end）；　and　in　this　respect　there　was　no　appreciable

change　in　her　appearance。　　But　she　evidently　had　been　crying；

crying　a　great　dealsimply；　satisfyingly；　refreshingly；　with　a

sort　of　primitive；　retarded　sense　of　loneliness　and　violence。

But　she　had　none　of　the　formalism　or　the　self…consciousness

of　grief；　and　I　was　almost　surprised　to　see　her　standing

there　in　the　first　dusk　with　her　hands　full　of　flowers；

smiling　at　me　with　her　reddened　eyes。　　Her　white　face；

in　the　frame　of　her　mantilla；　looked　longer；　leaner　than　usual。

I　had　had　an　idea　that　she　would　be　a　good　deal　disgusted

with　mewould　consider　that　I　ought　to　have　been　on　the　spot

to　advise　her；　to　help　her；　and；　though　I　was　sure　there

was　no　rancor　in　her　composition　and　no　great　conviction

of　the　importance　of　her　affairs；　I　had　prepared　myself

for　a　difference　in　her　manner；　for　some　little　injured　look；

half…familiar；　half…estranged；　which　should　say　to　my　conscience；

〃Well；　you　are　a　nice　person　to　have　professed　things！〃

But　historic　truth　compels　me　to　declare　that　Tita　Bordereau's

countenance　expressed　unqualified　pleasure　in　seeing　her　late

aunt's　lodger。　　That　touched　him　extremely；　and　he　thought

it　simplified　his　situation　until　he　found　it　did　not。

I　was　as　kind　to　her　that　evening　as　I　knew　how　to　be；

and　I　walked　about　the　garden　with　her　for　half　an　hour。

There　was　no　explanation　of　any　sort　between　us；　I　did　not　ask

her　why　she　had　not　answered　my　letter。　　Still　less　did　I　repeat

what　I　had　said　to　her　in　that　communication；　if　she　chose　to　let

me　suppose　that　she　had　forgotten　the　position　in　which　Miss

Bordereau　surprised　me　that　night　and　the　effect　of　the　discovery

on　the　old　woman　I　was　quite　willing　to　take　it　that　way：

I　was　grateful　to　her　for　not　treating　me　as　if　I　had

killed　her　aunt。



We　strolled　and　strolled　and　really　not　much　passed　between　us

save　the　recognition　of　her　bereavement；　conveyed　in　my　manner

and　in　a　visible　air　that　she　had　of　depending　on　me　now；

since　I　let　her　see　that　I　took　an　interest　in　her。

Miss　Tita　had　none　of　the　pride　that　makes　a　person　wish

to　preserve　the　look　of　independence；　she　did　not　in　the　least

pretend　that　she　knew　at　present　what　would　become　of　her。

I　forebore　to　touch　particularly　on　that；　however；　for　I　certainly

was　not　prepared　to　say　that　I　would　take　charge　of　her。

I　was　cautious；　not　ignobly；　I　think；　for　I　felt　that　her

knowledge　of　life　was　so　small　that　in　her　unsophisticated

vision　there　would　be　no　reason　whysince　I　seemed　to　pity　her

I　should　not　look　after　her。　　She　told　me　how　her　aunt　had　died；

very　peacefully　at　the　last；　and　how　everything　had　been　done

afterward　by　the　care　of　her　good　friends　（fortunately；　thanks

to　me；　she　said；　smiling；　there　was　money　in　the　house；

and　she　repeated　that　when　once　the　Italians　like　you　they

are　your　friends　for　life）；　and　when　we　had　gone　into　this

she　asked　me　about　my　giro；　my　impressions；　the　places

I　had　seen。　　I　told　her