the old bachelor-第3章
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VAIN。 Faith； I hate love when 'tis forced upon a man； as I do wine。 And this business is none of my seeking； I only happened to be； once or twice； where Laetitia was the handsomest woman in company； so； consequently； applied myself to herand it seems she has taken me at my word。 Had you been there； or anybody； 't had been the same。
BELL。 I wish I may succeed as the same。
VAIN。 Never doubt it； for if the spirit of cuckoldom be once raised up in a woman； the devil can't lay it； until she has done't。
BELL。 Prithee； what sort of fellow is Fondlewife？
VAIN。 A kind of mongrel zealot； sometimes very precise and peevish。 But I have seen him pleasant enough in his way； much addicted to jealousy； but more to fondness； so that as he is often jealous without a cause； he's as often satisfied without reason。
BELL。 A very even temper； and fit for my purpose。 I must get your man Setter to provide my disguise。
VAIN。 Ay； you may take him for good and all； if you will； for you have made him fit for nobody else。 Well …
BELL。 You're going to visit in return of Sylvia's letter。 Poor rogue！ Any hour of the day or night will serve her。 But do you know nothing of a new rival there？
VAIN。 Yes； Heartwellthat surly； old； pretended woman…hater thinks her virtuous； that's one reason why I fail her。 I would have her fret herself out of conceit with me； that she may entertain some thoughts of him。 I know he visits her every day。
BELL。 Yet rails on still； and thinks his love unknown to us。 A little time will swell him so； he must be forced to give it birth； and the discovery must needs be very pleasant from himself； to see what pains he will take； and how he will strain to be delivered of a secret； when he has miscarried of it already。
VAIN。 Well； good…morrow。 Let's dine together； I'll meet at the old place。
BELL。 With all my heart。 It lies convenient for us to pay our afternoon services to our mistresses。 I find I am damnably in love； I'm so uneasy for not having seen Belinda yesterday。
VAIN。 But I saw my Araminta； yet am as impatient。
SCENE II。
BELLMOUR alone。
BELL。 Why； what a cormorant in love am I！ Who； not contented with the slavery of honourable love in one place； and the pleasure of enjoying some half a score mistresses of my own acquiring； must yet take Vainlove's business upon my hands； because it lay too heavy upon his； so am not only forced to lie with other men's wives for 'em； but must also undertake the harder task of obliging their mistresses。 I must take up； or I shall never hold out。 Flesh and blood cannot bear it always。
SCENE III。
＇To him＇ SHARPER。
SHARP。 I'm sorry to see this； Ned。 Once a man comes to his soliloquies； I give him for gone。
BELL。 Sharper； I'm glad to see thee。
SHARP。 What！ is Belinda cruel； that you are so thoughtful？
BELL。 No； faith； not for that。 But there's a business of consequence fallen out to…day that requires some consideration。
SHARP。 Prithee； what mighty business of consequence canst thou have？
BELL。 Why； you must know； 'tis a piece of work toward the finishing of an alderman。 It seems I must put the last hand to it； and dub him cuckold； that he may be of equal dignity with the rest of his brethren： so I must beg Belinda's pardon。
SHARP。 Faith； e'en give her over for good and all； you can have no hopes of getting her for a mistress； and she is too proud； too inconstant； too affected and too witty； and too handsome for a wife。
BELL。 But she can't have too much money。 There's twelve thousand pound； Tom。 'Tis true she is excessively foppish and affected； but in my conscience I believe the baggage loves me： for she never speaks well of me herself； nor suffers anybody else to rail at me。 Then； as I told you； there's twelve thousand pound。 Hum！ Why； faith； upon second thoughts； she does not appear to be so very affected neither。Give her her due； I think the woman's a woman； and that's all。 As such； I'm sure I shall like her； for the devil take me if I don't love all the sex。
SHARP。 And here comes one who swears as heartily he hates all the sex。
SCENE IV。
＇To them＇ HEARTWELL。
BELL。 Who？ Heartwell？ Ay； but he knows better things。 How now； George； where hast thou been snarling odious truths； and entertaining company； like a physician； with discourse of their diseases and infirmities？ What fine lady hast thou been putting out of conceit with herself； and persuading that the face she had been making all the morning was none of her own？ For I know thou art as unmannerly and as unwelcome to a woman as a looking…glass after the smallpox。
HEART。 I confess I have not been sneering fulsome lies and nauseous flattery； fawning upon a little tawdry whore； that will fawn upon me again； and entertain any puppy that comes； like a tumbler； with the same tricks over and over。 For such； I guess； may have been your late employment。
BELL。 Would thou hadst come a little sooner。 Vainlove would have wrought thy conversion； and been a champion for the cause。
HEART。 What！ has he been here？ That's one of love's April fools； is always upon some errand that's to no purpose； ever embarking in adventures； yet never comes to harbour。
SHARP。 That's because he always sets out in foul weather； loves to buffet with the winds； meet the tide； and sail in the teeth of opposition。
HEART。 What！ Has he not dropt anchor at Araminta？
BELL。 Truth on't is she fits his temper best； is a kind of floating island； sometimes seems in reach； then vanishes and keeps him busied in the search。
SHARP。 She had need have a good share of sense to manage so capricious a lover。
BELL。 Faith I don't know； he's of a temper the most easy to himself in the world； he takes as much always of an amour as he cares for； and quits it when it grows stale or unpleasant。
SHARP。 An argument of very little passion； very good understanding； and very ill nature。
HEART。 And proves that Vainlove plays the fool with discretion。
SHARP。 You； Bellmour； are bound in gratitude to stickle for him； you with pleasure reap that fruit； which he takes pains to sow： he does the drudgery in the mine； and you stamp your image on the gold。
BELL。 He's of another opinion； and says I do the drudgery in the mine。 Well； we have each our share of sport； and each that which he likes best； 'tis his diversion to set； 'tis mine to cover the partridge。
HEART。 And it should be mine to let 'em go again。
SHARP。 Not till you had mouthed a little； George。 I think that's all thou art fit for now。
HEART。 Good Mr。 Young…Fellow； you're mistaken； as able as yourself； and as nimble； too； though I mayn't have so much mercury in my limbs； 'tis true； indeed； I don't force appetite； but wait the natural call of my lust； and think it time enough to be lewd after I have had the temptation。
BELL。 Time enough； ay； too soon； I should rather have expected； from a person of your gravity。
HEART。 Yet it is oftentimes too late with some of you young； termagant； flashy sinnersyou have all the guilt of the intention； and none of the pleasure of the practice'tis true you are so eager in pursuit of the temptation； that you save the devil the trouble of leading you into it。 Nor is it out of discretion that you don't swallow that very hook yourselves have baited； but you are cloyed with the preparative； and what you mean for a whet； turns the edge of your puny stomachs。 Your love is like your courage； which you show for the first year or two upon all occasions； till in a little time； being disabled or disarmed； you abate of your vigour； and that daring blade which was so often drawn； is bound to the peace for ever after。
BELL。 Thou art an old fornicator of a singular good principle indeed； and art for encouraging youth； that they may be as wicked as thou art at thy years。
HEART。 I am for having everybody be what they pretend to be： a whoremaster be a whoremaster； and not like Vainlove； kiss a lap…dog with passion； when it would disgust him from the lady's own lips。
BELL。 That only happens sometimes； where the dog has the sweeter breath； for the more cleanly conveyance。 But； George； you must not quarrel with little gallant
