hard cash-第83章

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recoiled：　Edward　had　not　openly　declared　his　love　to　her；　so　modest　pride；　as　well　as　modest　shame；　combined　with　female　cowardice　to　hold　back　the　avowal。

So　then　Miss　Tender　Conscience　tormented　herself；　and　recorded　the　struggle　in　her　diary；　but　briefly；　and　in　terms　vague　and　typical；　not　a　word　about　〃a　young　man〃or　〃crossed　in　love〃but　one　obscure　and　hasty　slap　at　the　carnal　affections；　and　a　good　deal　about　〃the　saints　in　prison；〃　and　〃the　battle　of　Armageddon。〃

Yet；　to　do　her　justice；　laxity　of　expression　did　not　act　upon　her　conduct　and　warp　that　as　it　does　most　mystical　speakers。

To　obey　her　father　to　the　letter；　she　maintained　a　friendly　correspondence　with　Julia　Dodd；　exchanging　letters　daily；　but；　not　to　disobey　him　in　the　spirit；　she　ceased　to　visit　Albion　Villa。　Thus　she　avoided　Edward；　and　extracted　from　the　situation　the　utmost　self…denial；　and　the　least　possible　amount　of　〃carnal　pleasure；〃　as　she　naively　denominated　an　interchange　of　worldly　affection；　however　distant　and　respectful。

One　day　she　happened　to　mention　her　diary；　and　say　it　was　a　present　comfort　to　her；　and　instructive　to　review。　Julia；　catching　at　every　straw　of　consolation；　said　she　would　keep　one　too；　and　asked　a　sight　of　Jane's　for　a　model。　〃No；　dear　friend；〃　said　Jane：　〃a　diary　should　be　one's　self　on　paper。〃

This　was　fortunate：　it　precluded　that　servile　imitation；　in　which　her　sex　excels　even　mine；　and　consequently　the　two　records　reflect　two　good　girls；　instead　of　one　in　two　skins；　and　may　be　trusted　to　conduct　this　narrative　forward；　and　relieve　its　monotony　a　little：　only；　of　course；　the　reader　must　not　expect　to　see　the　plot　of　a　story　carried　minutely　out　in　two　crude　compositions　written　with　an　object　so　distinct：　he　must　watch　for　glimpses　and　make　the　most　of　indications。　Nor　is　this　an　excessive　demand　upon　his　intelligence；　for；　if　he　cannot　do　this　with　a　book；　how　will　he　do　it　in　real　life；　where　male　and　female　characters　reveal　their　true　selves　by　glimpses　only；　and　the　gravest　and　most　dramatic　events　give　the　diviner　so　few　and　faint　signs　of　their　coming？


　　　　　_Extracts　from　Julia　Dodd's　Diary。_

_〃Dec。　5th。_It　is　all　over；　they　have　taken　papa　away　to　an　asylum：　and　the　house　is　like　a　grave；　but　for　our　outbursts　of　sorrow。　Just　before　he　went　away　the　medal　cameoh　no；　I　cannot。　Poor；　poor　mamma！

〃8　P。　M。　In　the　midst　of　our　affliction　Heaven　sent　us　a　ray　of　comfort：　the　kindest　letter　from　a　lady；　a　perfect　stranger。　It　came　yesterday；　but　now　I　have　got　it　to　copy：　oh；　bless　it；　and　the　good；　kind　writer。


〃'DEAR　MADAM；I　scarcely　know　whether　to　hope　or　to　fear　that　your　good　husband　may　have　mentioned　my　name　to　you：　however；　he　is　just　the　man　to　pass　over　both　my　misbehaviour　and　his　own　gallantry；　so　I　beg　permission　to　introduce　myself。　I　and　my　little　boy　were　passengers　by　the　_Agra；_　I　was　spoiled　by　a　long　residence　in　India；　and　gave　your　husband　sore　trouble　by　resisting　discipline；　refusing　to　put　out　my　light　at　nine　o'clock；　and　in　short　by　being　an　unreasonable　woman；　or　rather　a　spoiled　child。　Well；　all　my　little　attempts　at　a　feud　failed；　Captain　Dodd　did　his　duty；　and　kept　his　temper　provokingly；　the　only　revenge　he　took　was　a　noble　one；　he　jumped　into　the　sea　after　my　darling　Freddy；　and　saved　him　from　a　watery　grave；　and　his　mother　from　madness　or　death；　yet　he　was　himself　hardly　recovered　from　a　wound　he　had　received　in　defending　us　all　against　pirates。　Need　I　say　more　to　one　who　is　herself　a　mother？　You　will　know　how　our　little　misunderstanding　ended　after　that。　As　soon　as　we　were　friends　I　made　him　talk　of　his　family；　yourself；　Edward；　Julia；　I　seem　to　know　you　all。

〃'When　the　ruffian；　who　succeeded　our　good　captain；　had　wrecked　poor　us；　and　then　deserted　us；　your　husband　resumed　the　command；　and　saved　Freddy　and　me　once　more　by　his　courage；　his　wonderful　coolness；　and　his　skill。　Since　then　the　mouse　has　been　at　work　for　the　lion：　I　despair　of　conveying　any　pleasure　by　it　to　a　character　so　elevated　as　Captain　Dodd；　his　reward　must　be　his　own　conscience；　but　we　poor　little　women　like　external　shows；　do　we　not？　and　so　I　thought　a　medal　of　the　Humane　Society　might　give　some　pleasure　to　you　and　Miss　Dodd。　Never　did　medal　nor　order　repose　on　a　nobler　heart。　The　case　was　so　strong；　and　so　well　supported；　that　the　society　did　not　hesitate：　and　you　will　receive　it　very　soon　after　this。

〃'You　will　be　surprised；　dear　madam；　at　all　this　from　a　stranger　to　yourself；　and　will　perhaps　set　it　down　to　a　wish　to　intrude　on　your　acquaintance。　Well；　then；　dear　madam；　you　will　not　be　far　wrong。　I　_should_　like　much　to　know　one；　whose　character　I　already　seem　acquainted　with；　and　to　convey　personally　my　gratitude　and　admiration　of　your　husband：　I　could　pour　it　out　more　freely　to　you；　you　know；　than　to　him。I　am；　dear　Madam；　Yours　very　faithfully；

'LOUISA　BERESFORD。'


〃And　the　medal　came　about　an　hour　before　the　fly　to　take　him　away。　His　dear　name　was　on　it　and　his　brave　courageous　acts。

〃Oh；　shall　I　ever　be　old　enough　and　hard　enough　to　speak　of　this　without　stopping　to　cry？

〃We　fastened　it　round　his　dear　neck　with　a　ribbon。　Mamma　would　put　it　inside　his　clothes　for　fear　the　silver　should　tempt　some　wretch；　I　should　never　have　thought　of　that：　is　there　a　creature　so　base？　And　we　told　the　men　how　he　had　gained　it　（they　were　servants　of　the　asylum）；　and　we　showed　them　how　brave　and　good　he　was；　and　would　be　again　if　they　would　be　kind　to　him　and　cure　him。　And　mamma　bribed　them　with　money　to　use　him　kindly：　I　thought　they　would　be　offended　and　refuse　it：　but　they　took　it；　and　their　faces　showed　she　was　wiser　than　I　am。　_He_　keeps　away　from　us　too。　It　is　nearly　a　fortnight　now。〃

_〃Dec。　7th。_Aunt　Eve　left　to…day。　Mamma　kept　her　room　and　could　not　speak　to　her；　cannot　forgive　her　interfering　between　papa　and　her。　It　does　seem　strange　that　any　one　but　mamma　should　be　able　to　send　papa　out　of　the　house；　and　to　such　a　place；　but　it　is　the　law：　and　Edward；　who　is　all　good　sense；　says　it　was　necessary。　He　says　mamma　is　unjust；　grief　makes　her　unreasonable。　I　don't　know　who　is　in　the　right：　and　I　don't　much　care；　but　I　know　I　am　sorry　for　Aunt　Eve；　and　very；　very　sorry　for　mamma。

_〃Dec。　8th。_I　am　an　egotist：　found　myself　out　this　morning；　and　it　is　a　good　thing　to　keep　a　diary。　It*　was　overpowered　at　first　by　grief　for　mamma：　but　now　the　house　is　sad　and　quiet　I　am　always　thinking　of　_him；_　and　that　is　egotism。

*　Egotism。　The　abstract　quality　evolved　from　the　concrete　term　egotist　by　feminine　art；　without　the　aid　of　grammar。

〃Why　_does_　he　stay　away　so？　I　almost　wish　I　could　think　it　was　coldness　or　diminished　affection；　for　I　fear　something　worse；　something　to　make　_him_　wretched。　Those　dreadful　words　papa　spoke　before　he　was　afflicted！　words　I　will　never　put　on　paper；　but　they　ring　in　my　ears　still；　they　appal　me：　and　then　found　at　their　very　door！　Ah！　and　I　knew　I　_should_　find　him　near　that　house。　And　now　_he_　keeps　away。〃

_〃Dec。　9th。_All　day　trying　to　comfort　mamma。　She　made　a　great　effort　and　wrote　to　Mrs。　Beresford。〃


　　　　　POOR　MAMMA'S　LETTER


〃DEAR　MADAM；Your　kind　and　valued　letter　reached　us　in　deep　affliction；　and　I　am　little　able　to　reply　to　you　as　you　deserve。　My　poor　husband　is　very　ill；　so　ill　that　he　no　longer　remembers　the　past；　neither　the　brave　acts　that　have　won　him　your　esteem；　nor　even　the　face　of　his　loving　and　unhappy　wife；　who　now　thanks　you　with　many　tears　for　your　sweet　letter。　Heart…broken　as　my　children　and　I　are；　we　yet　derive　some　consolation　from　it。　We　have　tied　the　medal　round　his　neck；　madam；　and　thank　you　far　more　than　we　can　find　words　to　express。

〃In　conclusion；　I　pray　Heaven　that；　in　your　bitterest　hour；　you　may　find　the　consolation　you　have　administered　to　us：　no；　no；　I　pray　you　may　never；　never　stand　in　such　need　of　comfortI　am　dear　madam；　yours　gratefully　and　sincerely；

〃LUCY　DODD。〃


_〃Dec。　10th；　Sunday。_At　St。　Anne's　in　the　morning。　Tried　hard　to　apply　the　sermon。　He　spoke　of　griefs；　but　_so_　coldly；　surely　he　never　felt　one；　_he_　was　not　there。　Mem。：　always　pray　against　wandering　thoughts　on　entering　church。〃

_〃Dec。　11th。_A　diary　is　a　dreadful　thing。　Everything　must　go　down　now；　and；　amongst　the　rest　that　t