hard cash-第85章

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n_　information；　great　or　small；　but　he'll　find　you　something　about　it　in　this　digest。　Such　a　folio！　It　takes　a　man　to　open　and　shut　it。　And　he　means　to　be　a　sort　of　little　papa　in　this　house；　and　mamma　means　to　let　him。　And　indeed　it　is　so　sweet　to　be　commanded；　besides；　it　saves　thinking　for　oneself；　and　that　is　such　a　worry。

_〃Dec。　19th。_Yes；　they　have　settled　it：　we　are　to　leave　here；　and　live　in　lodgings　to　save　servants。　How　we　are　to　exist　even　so；　mamma　cannot　see；　but　Edward　can：　he　says　we　two　have　got　popular　talents；　and　_he　knows　the　markets_　（what　does　that　mean；　I　wonder）；　and　the　world　in　general。　I　asked　him　wherever　he　picked　it　up；　his　knowledge：　he　said；　'In　the　_'Tiser。'_　I　asked　him　would　he　leave　the　place　where　_she_　lives。　He　looked　sad；　but　said；　'Yes：　for　the　good　of　us　all。'　So　he　is　better　than　I　am；　but　who　is　not？　I　wasted　an　imploring　look　on　him；　but　not　on　mamma：　she　looked　back　to　me；　and　then　said　sadly；　'Wait　a　few　days；　Edward；　for_my_　sake。'　That　meant　for　poor　credulous　Julia's；　who　still　believes　in　him。　My　sweet　mother！〃

_〃Dec。　21st。_Told　Mamma　to…day　I　would　go　for　a　governess；　to　help　her；　since　we　are　all　ruined。　She　kissed　me　and　trembled；　but　she　did　not　say　'No；'　so　it　will　come　to　that。　He　will　be　sorry。　When　I　do　go；　I　think　I　shall　find　courage　to　send　him　a　line：　just　to　say　I　am　sure　_he_　is　not　to　blame　for　withdrawing。　Indeed　how　could　I　ever　marry　a　man　whose　father　I　have　heard　my　father　call〃　（the　pen　was　drawn　through　the　rest）。

_〃Dec。　22nd。_A　miserable　day：　low　spirited　and　hysterical。　We　are　really　going　away。　Edward　has　begun　to　make　packing…cases：　I　stood　over　him　and　sighed；　and　asked　him　questions：　he　said　he　was　going　to　take　unfurnished　rooms　in　London；　send　up　what　furniture　is　absolutely　necessary；　and　sell　the　rest　by　auction；　with　the　lease　of　our　dear；　dear　house；　where　we　were　all　so　happy　once。　So；　what　with　his　'knowledge　of　the　markets；　and　the　world；'　and　his　sense；　and　his　strong　will；　we　have　only　to　submit。　And　then　he　is　so　kind；　too：　'Don't　cry；　little　girl；'　he　said。　'Not　but　what　I　could　turn　on　the　waters　myself　if　there　was　anything　to　be　gained　by　it。　_Shall_　I　cry；　Ju；'　said　he；　'or　shall　I　whistle？　I　think　I'll　whistle。'　And　he　whistled　a　tune　right　through　while　he　worked　with　a　heart　as　sick　as　my　own；　perhaps。　Poor　Edward！〃

_〃Dec。　23rd。_My　Christian　friend　has　her　griefs；　too。　But　then　_she_　puts　them　to　profit：　she　says　today；　'We　are　both　tasting　the　same　flesh…crucifying　but　soul…profiting　experience。'　Her　every　word　is　a　rebuke　to　me：　torn　at　this　solemn　season　of　the　year　with　earthly　passions。　Went　down　after　reading　her　letter；　and　played　and　sang　the　_Gloria　in　Excelsis_　of　Pergolesi；　with　all　my　soul。　So　then　I　repeated　it；　and　burst　out　crying　in　the　middle。　Oh　shame！　shame！〃

_〃Dec。　24th。_Edward　started　for　London　at　five　in　the　morning　to　take　a　place　for　us。　The　servants　were　next　told；　and　received　warning；　the　one　we　had　the　poorest　opinion　of；　she　is　such　a　flirt；　cried；　and　begged　mamma　to　let　her　share　our　fallen　fortunes；　and　said　she　could　cook　a　little　and　would　do　her　best。　I　kissed　her　violently；　and　quite　forgot　I　was　a　young　lady　till　she　herself　reminded　me；　and　she　looked　frightened　at　mamma。　But　mamma　only　smiled　through　her　tears　and　said；　'Think　of　it　quietly；　Sarah；　before　you　commit　yourself。'〃


〃I　am　now　sitting　in　my　old　room；　cold　as　a　stone：　for　I　have　packed　up　some　things：　so　the　first　step　is　actually　taken。　Oh；　if　I　but　knew　that　he　was　happy！　Then　I　could　endure　anything。　But　how　can　I　think　so？　Well；　I　will　go；　and　never　tell　a　soul　what　I　suspect；　and　he　cannot　tell；　even　if　he　knows：　for　it　is　his　father。　Jane；　too；　avoids　all　mention　of　her　own　father　and　brother　more　than　is　natural。　Oh；　if　I　could　only　be　a　child　again！

〃Regrets　are　vain；　I　will　cease　even　to　record　them；　these　diaries　feed　one's　selfishness；　and　the　unfortunate　passion；　that　will　make　me　a　bad　daughter　and　an　ungrateful　soldier　of　Him　who　was　born　as　to…morrow：　to　your　knees；　false　Christian！　to　your　knees！〃


〃I　am　calmer　now；　and　feel　resigned　to　the　will　of　Heaven；　or　benumbed；　or　something。　I　will　pack　this　box　and　then　go　down　and　comfort　my　mother；　and　visit　my　poor　people；　perhaps　for　the　last　time：　ah　me！

〃A　knock　at　the　street　door！　his　knock！　I　know　every　echo　of　his　hand；　and　his　foot。　Where　is　my　composure　now？　I　flutter　like　a　bird。　I　will　not　go　down。　He　will　think　I　love　him　so。

〃At　least　I　will　wait　till　he　has　nearly　gone。

〃Elizabeth　has　come　to　say　I　am　wanted　in　the　drawing…room。

〃So　I　_must_　go　down　whether　I　like　or　no。

〃Bedtime。　Oh　that　I　had　the　pen　of　a　writer　to　record　the　scene　I　have　witnessed；　worthily。　When　I　came　in；　I　found　mamma　and　him　both　seated　in　dead　silence。　He　rose　and　looked　at　me　and　I　at　him：　and　years　seemed　to　have　rolled　over　his　face　since　last　I　saw　it。　I　was　obliged　to　turn　my　head　away；　I　curtseyed　to　him　distantly；　and　may　Heaven　forgive　me　for　that：　and　we　sat　down；　and　presently　turned　round　and　all　looked　at　one　another　like　the　ghosts　of　the　happy　creatures　we　once　were　altogether。

〃Then　Alfred　began；　not　in　his　old　imperative　voice；　but　scarce　above　a　whisper；　and　oh　the　words　such　as　none　but　himself　in　the　wide　world　would　have　spokenI　love　him　better　than　ever；　I　pity　him；　I　adore　him；　he　is　a　scholar；　he　is　a　chevalier；　he　is　the　soul　of　honour；　he　is　the　most　unfortunate　and　proudest　gentleman　beneath　the　sun；　oh；　my　darling！　my　darling！！

〃He　said；　'Mrs。　Dodd；　and　you　Miss　Dodd；　whom　I　loved　before　I　lost　the　right　to　ask　you　to　be　mine；　and　whom　I　shall　love　to　the　last　hour　of　my　miserable　existence；　I　am　come　to　explain　my　own　conduct　to　you；　and　to　do　you　an　act　of　simple　justice；　too　long　delayed。　To　begin　with　myself；　you　must　know　that　my　understanding　is　of　the　Academic　School：　I　incline　to　weigh　proofs　before　I　make　up　my　mind。　But　then　I　differ　from　that　school　in　this；　that　I　cannot　think　myself　to　an　eternal　standstill；　（such　an　expression！　but　what　does　that　matter；　it　was　_his；）_　I　am　a　man　of　action：　in　Hamlet's　place　I　should　have　either　turned　my　ghost　into　ridicule；　or　my　uncle　into　a　ghost；　so　I　kept　away　from　you　while　in　doubt；　but　now　I　doubt　no　longer。　I　take　my　line：　ladies；　you　have　been　swindled　out　of　a　large　sum　of　money。

〃My　blood　ran　cold　at　these　words。　Surely　nothing　on　earth　but　a　man　could　say　this　right　out　like　that。

〃Mamma　and　I　looked　at　one　another；　and　what　did　I　see　in　her　face；　for　the　first　time　？　Why　that　she　had　her　suspicions　too；　and　had　been　keeping　them　from　me。　Pitying　angel！

〃He　went　on：　'Captain　Dodd　brought　home　several　thousand　pounds？'

〃Mamma　said　'Yes。'　And　I　think　she　was　going　to　say　how　much；　but　he　stopped　her　and　made　her　write　the　amount　in　an　envelope；　while　he　took　another　and　wrote　in　it　with　his　pencil。　He　took　both　envelopes　to　me；　and　asked　me　to　read　them　out　in　turn：　I　did；　and　mamma's　said　fourteen　thousand　pounds：　and　his　said　fourteen　thousand　pounds。　Mamma　looked　such　a　look　at　me。

〃Then　he　turned　to　me：　'Miss　Dodd；　do　you　remember　that　night　you　and　I　met　at　Richard　Hardie's　door？　Well；　scarce　five　minutes　before　that；　your　father　was　standing　on　our　lawn　and　called　to　the　man；　who　was　my　father；　in　a　loud　voiceit　rings　in　my　ears　now〃Hardie；　Villain！　give　me　back　my　money；　my　fourteen　thousand　pounds！　give　me　my　children's　money；　or　may　your　children　die　before　your　eyes。〃　Ah；　you　wince　to　hear　me　whisper　these　dreadful　words：　what　if　you　had　been　where　I　was　and　heard　them　spoken；　and　in　a　terrible　voice；　the　voice　of　Despair；　the　voice　of　Truth！　Soon　a　window　opened　cautiously；　and　a　voice　whispered；　〃Hush！　I'll　bring　it　you　down。〃　And　　_this_　voice　was　the　voice　of　fear；　of　dishonesty；　and　of　Richard　Hardie。'

〃He　turned　deadly　white　when　he　said　this；　and　I　cried　to　mamma；　'Oh；　stop　him！　stop　him！'　And　she　said；　'Alfred；　think　what　you　are　saying。　Why　do　you　tell　us　what　we　had　better　never　know？'　He　answered　directly。

〃'Because　it　is　the　truth：　and　because　I　loathe　injustice。　Some　time　afterwards　I　taxed　Mr。　Richard　Hardie　with　this　fourteen　thousand　pounds：　and　his　face　betrayed　him。　I　taxed　his　clerk；　Skinner：　and　Skinner's　fa