hard cash-第87章

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〃The　oracle　asked　me　directly　did　I　hate　clothes　and　food；　and　charity　to　the　poor；　and　cleanliness；　and　decency？　Then　I　didn't　hate　money；　'for　none　of　these　things　can　exist　without　money；　you　little　romantic　humbug；　you　shut　up！'

〃Mamma　rebuked　him　for　his　expressions；　but　approved　his　sentiments。　But　I　did　not　care　for　his　sentiments：　for　_he_　smiled　on　me；　and　said；　'We　two　are　of　one　mind；　we　shall　transfer　our　fortune　to　Captain　Dodd；　whom　my　father　has　robbed。　Julia　will　consent　to　share　my　honest　poverty。'

〃'Well；　we　will　talk　about　that；'　said　Edward　pompously。

〃'Talk　about　it　without　me；　then；'　I　cried；　and　got　up；　and　marched　out　indignant：　only　it　was　partly　my　low　cunning　to　hide　my　face　that　I　could　not　keep　the　rapture　out　of。　And；　as　soon　as　I　had　retired　with　cold　dignity；　off　I　skipped　into　the　garden　to　let　my　face　loose；　and　I　think　they　sent　him　after　me；　for　I　heard　his　quick　step　behind　me；　so　I　ran　away　from　him　as　hard　as　I　could；　so　of　course　he　soon　caught　me；　in　the　shrubbery　where　he　first　asked　me　to　be　his；　and　he　kissed　both　my　hands　again　and　again　like　wildfire；　as　he　is；　and　he　said；　'You　are　right；　dearest；　let　them　talk　of　their　trash　while　I　tell　you　how　I　adore　you；　poverty　with　you　will　be　the　soul's　wealth；　even　misfortune；　by　your　side；　would　hardly　be　misfortune：　let　all　the　world　go；　and　let　you　and　I　be　one；　and　live　together；　and　die　together；　for　now　I　see　I　could　not　have　lived　without　you；　nor　without　your　love。'　And　I　whispered　something　on　his　shoulderno　matter　what；　what　signifies　the　cackle　of　a　goose？　And　we　mingled　our　happy　tears；　and　our　hearts；　and　our　souls。　Ah；　Love　is　a　sweet　a　dreadful　passion：　what　we　two　have　gone　through　for　one　another　in　a　few　months！　He　dined　with　us；　and　Edward　and　he　sat　a　long；　long　time　talking；　I　dare　say　it　was　only　about　their　odious　money；　still　I　envied　Edward　having　him　so　long。　But　at　last　he　came　up；　and　devoured　me　with　his　lovely　grey　eyes；　and　I　sang　him　Aileen　Aroon；　and　he　whispered　things　in　my　ear；　oh；　such　sweet　sweet；　idiotic；　darling　things；　I　will　not　part　with　even　the　shadow　of　one　of　them　by　putting　it　on　paper；　only　I　am　the　blessedest　creature　in　all　the　world；　and　I　only　hope　to　goodness　it　is　not　very　wicked　to　be　so　happy　as　I　am。〃

_〃Dec。　31st。_It　is　all　settled。　Alfred　returns　to　Oxford　to　make　up　for　lost　time；　the　time　spent　in　construing　me　instead　of　Greek：　and　at　the　end　of　term　he　is　to　come　of　age　and　marrysomebody。　Marriage！　what　a　word　to　put　down！　it　makes　me　tingle；　it　thrills　me；　it　frightens　me　deliciously：　no；　not　deliciously；　anything　but：　for　suppose；　being　both　of　us　fiery；　and　they　all　say　one　of　them　ought　to　be　cold　blooded　for　a　pair　to　be　happy；　I　should　make　him　a　downright　bad　wife。　Why　then　I　hope　I　shall　die　in　a　year　or　two　out　of　my　darling's　way；　and　let　him　have　a　good　one　instead。　I'd　come　back　from　the　grave　and　tear　her　to　pieces。

_〃Jan。　4th。_Found　a　saint　in　a　garret　over　a　stable。　Took　her　my　luncheon　clandestinely；　that　is　lady…like　for　'under　my　apron：'　and　was　detected　and　expostulated　by　Ned。　He　took　me　into　his　studioit　is　carpeted　with　shavingsand　showed　me　the　_'Tiser_　digest；　an　enormous　book　he　has　made　of　newspaper　cuttings　all　in　apple…pie　order；　and　out　of　this　authority　he　proved　vice　and　poverty　abound　most　wherever　there　are　most　charities。　Oh；　'and　the　poor'　a　set　of　intoxicated　sneaks；　and　me　a　Demoralising　Influence。　It　is　all　very　fine：　but　why　are　there　saints　in　garrets；　and　half…starved？　That　rouses　all　my　evil　passions；　and　I　cannot　bear　it；　it　_is_　no　use。

_〃Jan。　6th。_Once　a　gay　day；　but　now　a　sad　one。　Mamma　gone　to　see　poor　papa；　where　he　is。　Alfred　found　me　sorrowful；　and　rested　my　forehead　on　his　shoulder；　that　soothed　me；　while　it　lasted。　I　think　I　should　like　to　grow　there。　Mem！　to　burn　this　diary；　and　never　let　a　creature　see　a　syllable。

〃As　soon　as　he　was　gone；　prayed　earnestly　on　my　knees　not　to　make　an　idol　of　him。　For　it　is　our　poor　idols　that　are　destroyed　for　our　weakness。　Which　really　I　cannot　quite　see　the　justice　of。〃

_〃Jan。　8th。_Jane　does　not　approve　my　proposal　that　we　should　praise　now　and　then　at　the　same　hour　instead　of　always　praying。　The　dear　girl　sends　me　her　unconverted　diary　'to　show　me　she　is　〃a　brand。〃'　I　have　read　most　of　it。　But　really　it　seems　to　me　she　was　always　goodish：　only　she　went　to　parties；　and　read　novels；　and　enjoyed　society。

〃There；　I　have　finished　it。　Oh　dear；　how　like　her　_un_converted　diary　is　to　my　_con_verted　one！〃

_〃Jan。　14th。_A　sorrowful　day：　he　and　I　parted；　after　a　fortnight　of　the　tenderest　affection；　and　that　mutual　respect　without　which　neither　of　us；　I　think；　could　love　long。　I　had　resolved　to　be　very　brave；　but　we　were　alone；　and　his　bright　face　looked　so　sad；　the　change　in　it　took　me　by　surprise；　and　my　resolution　failed；　I　clung　to　him。　If　gentlemen　could　interpret；　as　we　can；　he　would　never　have　left　me。　It　is　better　as　it　is。　He　kissed　my　tears　away　as　fast　as　they　came：　it　was　the　first　time　he　had　ever　kissed　more　than　my　hand；　so　I　shall　have　that　to　think　of；　and　his　dear　promised　letters：　but　it　made　me　cry　more　at　the　time；　of　course。　Some　day；　when　we　have　been　married　years　and　years；　I　shall　tell　him　not　to　go　and　pay　a　lady　for　every　tear；　if　he　wants　her　to　leave　off。

〃The　whole　place　so　gloomy　and　vacant　now。

_〃Jan。　20th。_Poverty　stares　us　in　the　face。　Edward　says　we　could　make　a　modest　living　in　London；　and　nobody　be　the　wiser：　but　here　we　are　known；　and　_'must_　be　ladies　and　gentlemen；　and　fools；'　he　says。　He　has　now　made　me　seriously　promise　not　to　give　money　and　things　out　of　the　house　to　the　poor：　it　is　robbing　my　mother　and　him。　Ah；　now　I　see　it　_is_　nonsense　to　despise　money：　here　I　come　home　sad　from　my　poor　people；　and　I　used　to　return　warm　all　over。　And　the　poor　old　souls　do　not　enjoy　my　sermons　half　so　much　as　when　I　gave　them　nice　things　to　eat　along　with　them。

〃The　dear　boy；　that　I　always　loved　dearly；　but　_admire_　and　love　now　that　he　has　turned　an　intolerable　tyrant　and　he　used　to　be　Wax；　has　put　down　two　maids　out　of　our　three；　and　brings　our　dinner　up　himself　in　a　jacket；　then　puts　on　his　coat　and　sits　down　with　us；　and　we　sigh　at　him　and　he　grins　and　derides　us；　he　does　not　care　one　straw　for　Pomp。　And　mamma　and　I　have　to　dress　one　another　now。　And　I　like　it。〃

_〃Jan。　30th。_He　says　we　may　now；　by　great　economy；　subsist　honestly　till　my　wedding…day；　but　then　mamma　and　he　must　_'absquatulate。'_　Oh；　what　stout　hearts　men　have。　They　can　jest　at　sorrow　even　when；　in　spite　of　their　great　thick　skins；　they　feel　it。　Ah；　the　real　poor　are　happy：　they　marry；　and　need　not　leave　the　parish　where　their　mother　lives。〃

_〃Feb。　4th。_A　kind　and　most　delicate　letter　from　Jane。　She　says；　'Papa　and　I　are　much　grieved　at　Captain　Dodd's　affliction；　and　deeply　concerned　at　your　loss　by　the　Bank。　Papa　has　asked　Uncle　Thomas　for　two　hundred　pounds；　and　I　entreat　you　to　oblige　me　by　receiving　it　at　my　hands　and　applying　it　according　to　the　dictates　of　your　own　affectionate　heart。〃

〃Actually　our　Viceroy　will　not　let　me　take　it：　he　says　he　will　not　accept　a　crumb　from　the　man　who　owes　us　a　loaf。〃

_〃Feb。　8th。_Jane　mortified；　and　no　wonder。　If　she　knew　how　very　poor　we　are；　she　would　be　surprised　as　well。　I　have　implored　her　not　to　take　it　to　heart；　for　that　all　will　be　explained　one　day；　and　she　will　see　we　_could_　not。

〃His　dear　letters！　I　feed　on　them。　We　have　no　secrets；　no　two　minds。　He　is　to　be　a　first　class　and　then　a　private　tutor。　Our　money　is　to　go　to　mamma：　it　is　he　and　I　that　are　to　work　our　fingers　to　the　bone　（I　am　so　happy！）；　and　never　let　them　be　driven　by　injustice　from　their　home。　But　all　this　is　a　great　secret。　The　Viceroy　will　be　defeated；　only　I　let　him　talk　till　Alfred　is　here　to　back　me。　No；　it　is　_not_　just　the　rightful　owner　of　fourteen　thousand　pounds　should　be　poor。

〃How　shallow　female　education　is：　I　was　always　led　to　suppose　modesty　is　the　highest　virtue。　No　such　thing！　Justice　is　the　queen　of　the　virtues：　_He_　is　justice　incarnate。〃

_〃March　10th。_On　reperusing　this　diary；　it　is　demoralising；　very：　it　feeds　self。　Of　all　the　detestable　compositions：　Me；　Me；　Me；　from　one　end　to　another：　for　when　it　is　not　about　myself