roughing it-第109章

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other　days　were　Sundays　too。

I　was　home　again；　in　San　Francisco；　without　means　and　without　employment。
I　tortured　my　brain　for　a　saving　scheme　of　some　kind；　and　at　last　a
public　lecture　occurred　to　me！　　I　sat　down　and　wrote　one；　in　a　fever　of
hopeful　anticipation。　　I　showed　it　to　several　friends；　but　they　all　shook
their　heads。　　They　said　nobody　would　come　to　hear　me；　and　I　would　make　a
humiliating　failure　of　it。

They　said　that　as　I　had　never　spoken　in　public；　I　would　break　down　in　the
delivery；　anyhow。　　I　was　disconsolate　now。　　But　at　last　an　editor　slapped
me　on　the　back　and　told　me　to　〃go　ahead。〃　　He　said；　〃Take　the　largest
house　in　town；　and　charge　a　dollar　a　ticket。〃　　The　audacity　of　the
proposition　was　charming；　it　seemed　fraught　with　practical　worldly
wisdom；　however。　　The　proprietor　of　the　several　theatres　endorsed　the
advice；　and　said　I　might　have　his　handsome　new　opera…house　at　half　price
fifty　dollars。　　In　sheer　desperation　I　took　iton　credit；　for
sufficient　reasons。　　In　three　days　I　did　a　hundred　and　fifty　dollars'
worth　of　printing　and　advertising；　and　was　the　most　distressed　and
frightened　creature　on　the　Pacific　coast。　　I　could　not　sleepwho　could；
under　such　circumstances？　　For　other　people　there　was　facetiousness　in
the　last　line　of　my　posters；　but　to　me　it　was　plaintive　with　a　pang　when
I　wrote　it：

　　　　　　　　　　　〃Doors　open　at　7　1/2。　　The　trouble　will　begin　at　8。〃

That　line　has　done　good　service　since。　　Showmen　have　borrowed　it
frequently。　　I　have　even　seen　it　appended　to　a　newspaper　advertisement
reminding　school　pupils　in　vacation　what　time　next　term　would　begin。　　As
those　three　days　of　suspense　dragged　by；　I　grew　more　and　more　unhappy。
I　had　sold　two　hundred　tickets　among　my　personal　friends；　but　I　feared
they　might　not　come。　　My　lecture；　which　had　seemed　〃humorous〃　to　me；　at
first；　grew　steadily　more　and　more　dreary；　till　not　a　vestige　of　fun
seemed　left；　and　I　grieved　that　I　could　not　bring　a　coffin　on　the　stage
and　turn　the　thing　into　a　funeral。　　I　was　so　panic…stricken；　at　last；
that　I　went　to　three　old　friends；　giants　in　stature；　cordial　by　nature；
and　stormy…voiced；　and　said：

〃This　thing　is　going　to　be　a　failure；　the　jokes　in　it　are　so　dim　that
nobody　will　ever　see　them；　I　would　like　to　have　you　sit　in　the　parquette；
and　help　me　through。〃

They　said　they　would。　　Then　I　went　to　the　wife　of　a　popular　citizen；　and
said　that　if　she　was　willing　to　do　me　a　very　great　kindness；　I　would　be
glad　if　she　and　her　husband　would　sit　prominently　in　the　left…hand　stage…
box；　where　the　whole　house　could　see　them。　　I　explained　that　I　should
need　help；　and　would　turn　toward　her　and　smile；　as　a　signal；　when　I　had
been　delivered　of　an　obscure　joke〃and　then；〃　I　added；　〃don't　wait　to
investigate；　but　respond！〃

She　promised。　　Down　the　street　I　met　a　man　I　never　had　seen　before。　　He
had　been　drinking；　and　was　beaming　with　smiles　and　good　nature。　　He　said：

〃My　name's　Sawyer。　　You　don't　know　me；　but　that　don't　matter。　　I　haven't
got　a　cent；　but　if　you　knew　how　bad　I　wanted　to　laugh；　you'd　give　me　a
ticket。　　Come；　now；　what　do　you　say？〃

〃Is　your　laugh　hung　on　a　hair…trigger？that　is；　is　it　critical；　or　can
you　get　it　off　easy？〃

My　drawling　infirmity　of　speech　so　affected　him　that　he　laughed　a
specimen　or　two　that　struck　me　as　being　about　the　article　I　wanted；　and　I
gave　him　a　ticket；　and　appointed　him　to　sit　in　the　second　circle；　in　the
centre；　and　be　responsible　for　that　division　of　the　house。　　I　gave　him
minute　instructions　about　how　to　detect　indistinct　jokes；　and　then　went
away；　and　left　him　chuckling　placidly　over　the　novelty　of　the　idea。

I　ate　nothing　on　the　last　of　the　three　eventful　daysI　only　suffered。
I　had　advertised　that　on　this　third　day　the　box…office　would　be　opened
for　the　sale　of　reserved　seats。　　I　crept　down　to　the　theater　at　four　in
the　afternoon　to　see　if　any　sales　had　been　made。　　The　ticket　seller　was
gone；　the　box…office　was　locked　up。　　I　had　to　swallow　suddenly；　or　my
heart　would　have　got　out。　　〃No　sales；〃　I　said　to　myself；　〃I　might　have
known　it。〃　　I　thought　of　suicide；　pretended　illness；　flight。　　I　thought
of　these　things　in　earnest；　for　I　was　very　miserable　and　scared。　　But　of
course　I　had　to　drive　them　away；　and　prepare　to　meet　my　fate。　　I　could
not　wait　for　half…past　sevenI　wanted　to　face　the　horror；　and　end　it
the　feeling　of　many　a　man　doomed　to　hang；　no　doubt。　　I　went　down　back
streets　at　six　o'clock；　and　entered　the　theatre　by　the　back　door。
I　stumbled　my　way　in　the　dark　among　the　ranks　of　canvas　scenery；　and
stood　on　the　stage。　　The　house　was　gloomy　and　silent；　and　its　emptiness
depressing。　　I　went　into　the　dark　among　the　scenes　again；　and　for　an　hour
and　a　half　gave　myself　up　to　the　horrors；　wholly　unconscious　of
everything　else。　　Then　I　heard　a　murmur；　it　rose　higher　and　higher；　and
ended　in　a　crash；　mingled　with　cheers。　　It　made　my　hair　raise；　it　was　so
close　to　me；　and　so　loud。

There　was　a　pause；　and　then　another；　presently　came　a　third；　and　before　I
well　knew　what　I　was　about；　I　was　in　the　middle　of　the　stage；　staring　at
a　sea　of　faces；　bewildered　by　the　fierce　glare　of　the　lights；　and　quaking
in　every　limb　with　a　terror　that　seemed　like　to　take　my　life　away。　　The
house　was　full；　aisles　and　all！

The　tummult　in　my　heart　and　brain　and　legs　continued　a　full　minute　before
I　could　gain　any　command　over　myself。　　Then　I　recognized　the　charity　and
the　friendliness　in　the　faces　before　me；　and　little　by　little　my　fright
melted　away；　and　I　began　to　talk　Within　three　or　four　minutes　I　was
comfortable；　and　even　content。　　My　three　chief　allies；　with　three
auxiliaries；　were　on　hand；　in　the　parquette；　all　sitting　together；　all
armed　with　bludgeons；　and　all　ready　to　make　an　onslaught　upon　the
feeblest　joke　that　might　show　its　head。　　And　whenever　a　joke　did　fall；
their　bludgeons　came　down　and　their　faces　seemed　to　split　from　ear　to
ear。

Sawyer；　whose　hearty　countenance　was　seen　looming　redly　in　the　centre　of
the　second　circle；　took　it　up；　and　the　house　was　carried　handsomely。
Inferior　jokes　never　fared　so　royally　before。　　Presently　I　delivered　a
bit　of　serious　matter　with　impressive　unction　（it　was　my　pet）；　and　the
audience　listened　with　an　absorbed　hush　that　gratified　me　more　than　any
applause；　and　as　I　dropped　the　last　word　of　the　clause；　I　happened　to
turn　and　catch　Mrs。's　intent　and　waiting　eye；　my　conversation　with　her
flashed　upon　me；　and　in　spite　of　all　I　could　do　I　smiled。　　She　took　it
for　the　signal；　and　promptly　delivered　a　mellow　laugh　that　touched　off
the　whole　audience；　and　the　explosion　that　followed　was　the　triumph　of
the　evening。　　I　thought　that　that　honest　man　Sawyer　would　choke　himself；
and　as　for　the　bludgeons；　they　performed　like　pile…drivers。　　But　my　poor
little　morsel　of　pathos　was　ruined。　　It　was　taken　in　good　faith　as　an
intentional　joke；　and　the　prize　one　of　the　entertainment；　and　I　wisely
let　it　go　at　that。

All　the　papers　were　kind　in　the　morning；　my　appetite　returned；　I　had　a
abundance　of　money。　　All's　well　that　ends　well。




CHAPTER　LXXIX。

I　launched　out　as　a　lecturer；　now；　with　great　boldness。　　I　had　the　field
all　to　myself；　for　public　lectures　were　almost　an　unknown　commodity　in
the　Pacific　market。　　They　are　not　so　rare；　now；　I　suppose。　　I　took　an　old
personal　friend　along　to　play　agent　for　me；　and　for　two　or　three　weeks　we
roamed　through　Nevada　and　California　and　had　a　very　cheerful　time　of　it。
Two　days　before　I　lectured　in　Virginia　City；　two　stagecoaches　were　robbed
within　two　miles　of　the　town。　　The　daring　act　was　committed　just　at　dawn；
by　six　masked　men；　who　sprang　up　alongside　the　coaches；　presented
revolvers　at　the　heads　of　the　drivers　and　passengers；　and　commanded　a
general　dismount。　　Everybody　climbed　down；　and　the　robbers　took　their
watches　and　every　cent　they　had。　　Then　they　took　gunpowder　and　blew　up
the　express　specie　boxes　and　got　their　contents。　　The　leader　of　the
robbers　was　a　small；　quick…spoken　man；　and　the　fame　of　his　vigorous
manner　and　his　intrepidity　was　in　everybody's　mouth　when　we　arrived。

The　night　after　instructing　Virginia；　I　walked　over　the　desolate　〃divide〃
and　down　to　Gold　Hill；　and　lectured　there。　　The　l