roughing it-第116章

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would　utterly　sink　me　in　my　own　self…respect；　in　my　family's　eyes；　and　in
the　eyes　of　the　community。　　On　the　other　hand；　should　I　give　the　author's
name　how　could　I　ever　expect　that　confidence　of　the　People　which　I　should
no　longer　deserve；　and　how　much　dearer　to　me　and　to　my　family　was　my　life
than　the　life　of　the　real　author　to　his　friends。　　Yet　life　seemed　dear
and　each　minute　that　remained　seemed　precious　if　not　solemn。　　I　sincerely
trust　that　neither　you　nor　any　of　your　readers；　and　especially　none　with
families；　may　ever　be　placed　in　such　seeming　direct　proximity　to　death
while　obliged　to　decide　the　one　question　I　was　compelled　to；　viz。：　What
should　I　doI；　a　man　of　family；　and　not　as　Mr。　Winters　is；　〃alone。〃
＇The　reader　is　requested　not　to　skip　the　following。M。　　T。：＇

STRATEGY　AND　MESMERISM。
To　gain　time　for　further　reflection；　and　hoping　that　by　a　seeming
acquiescence　I　might　regain　my　personal　liberty；　at　least　till　I　could
give　an　alarm；　or　take　advantage　of　some　momentary　inadvertence　of
Winters；　and　then　without　a　cowardly　flight　escape；　I　resolved　to　write　a
certain　kind　of　retraction；　but　previously　had　inwardly　decided

First。That　I　would　studiously　avoid　every　action　which　might　be
construed　into　the　drawing　of　a　weapon；　even　by　a　self…infuriated　man；　no
matter　what　amount　of　insult　might　be　heaped　upon　me；　for　it　seemed　to　me
that　this　great　excess　of　compound　profanity；　foulness　and　epithet　must
be　more　than　a　mere　indulgence；　and　therefore　must　have　some　object。
〃Surely　in　vain　the　net　is　spread　in　the　sight　of　any　bird。〃　　Therefore；
as　before　without　thought；　I　thereafter　by　intent　kept　my　hands　away　from
my　pockets；　and　generally　in　sight　and　spread　upon　my　knees。

Second。I　resolved　to　make　no　motion　with　my　arms　or　hands　which　could
possibly　be　construed　into　aggression。

Third。I　resolved　completely　to　govern　my　outward　manner　and　suppress
indignation。　　To　do　this；　I　must　govern　my　spirit。　　To　do　that；　by　force
of　imagination　I　was　obliged　like　actors　on　the　boards　to　resolve　myself
into　an　unnatural　mental　state　and　see　all　things　through　the　eyes　of　an
assumed　character。

Fourth。I　resolved　to　try　on　Winters；　silently；　and　unconsciously　to
himself　a　mesmeric　power　which　I　possess　over　certain　kinds　of　people；
and　which　at　times　I　have　found　to　work　even　in　the　dark　over　the　lower
animals。

Does　any　one　smile　at　these　last　counts？　　God　save　you　from　ever　being
obliged　to　beat　in　a　game　of　chess；　whose　stake　is　your　life；　you　having
but　four　poor　pawns　and　pieces　and　your　adversary　with　his　full　force
unshorn。　　But　if　you　are；　provided　you　have　any　strength　with　breadth　of
will；　do　not　despair。　　Though　mesmeric　power　may　not　save　you；　it　may
help　you；　try　it　at　all　events。　　In　this　instance　I　was　conscious　of
power　coming　into　me；　and　by　a　law　of　nature；　I　know　Winters　was
correspondingly　weakened。　　If　I　could　have　gained　more　time　I　am　sure　he
would　not　even　have　struck　me。

It　takes　time　both　to　form　such　resolutions　and　to　recite　them。　　That
time；　however；　I　gained　while　thinking　of　my　retraction；　which　I　first
wrote　in　pencil；　altering　it　from　time　to　time　till　I　got　it　to　suit　me；
my　aim　being　to　make　it　look　like　a　concession　to　demands；　while　in　fact
it　should　tersely　speak　the　truth　into　Mr。　Winters'　mind。　　When　it　was
finished；　I　copied　it　in　ink；　and　if　correctly　copied　from　my　first　draft
it　should　read　as　follows。　　In　copying　I　do　not　think　I　made　any　material
change。

COPY。
To　Philip　Lynch；　Editor　of　the　Gold　Hill　News：　I　learn　that　Gen。　John　B。
Winters　believes　the　following　（pasted　on）　clipping　from　the　PEOPLE'S
TRIBUNE　of　January　to　contain　distinct　charges　of　mine　against　him
personally；　and　that　as　such　he　desires　me　to　retract　them　unqualifiedly。

In　compliance　with　his　request；　permit　me　to　say　that；　although　Mr。
Winters　and　I　see　this　matter　differently；　in　view　of　his　strong　feelings
in　the　premises；　I　hereby　declare　that　I　do　not　know　those　〃charges〃　（if
such　they　are）　to　be　true；　and　I　hope　that　a　critical　examination　would
altogether　disprove　them。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　CONRAD　WIEGAND。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Gold　Hill；　January　15；　1870。


I　then　read　what　I　had　written　and　handed　it　to　Mr。　Lynch；　whereupon　Mr。
Winters　said：

〃That's　not　satisfactory；　and　it　won't　do；〃　and　then　addressing　himself
to　Mr。　Lynch；　he　further　said：　〃How　does　it　strike　you？〃

〃Well；　I　confess　I　don't　see　that　it　retracts　anything。〃

〃Nor　do　I；〃　said　Winters；　〃in　fact；　I　regard　it　as　adding　insult　to
injury。　　Mr。　Wiegand　you've　got　to　do　better　than　that。　　You　are　not　the
man　who　can　pull　wool　over　my　eyes。〃

〃That；　sir；　is　the　only　retraction　I　can　write。〃

〃No　it　isn't；　sir；　and　if　you　so　much　as　say　so　again　you　do　it　at　your
peril；　for　I'll　thrash　you　to　within　an　inch　of　your　life；　and；　by；
sir；　I　don't　pledge　myself　to　spare　you　even　that　inch　either。　　I　want
you　to　understand　I　have　asked　you　for　a　very　different　paper；　and　that
paper　you've　got　to　sign。〃

〃Mr。　Winters；　I　assure　you　that　I　do　not　wish　to　irritate　you；　but；　at
the　same　time；　it　is　utterly　impossible　for　me　to　write　any　other　paper
than　that　which　I　have　written。　　If　you　are　resolved　to　compel　me　to　sign
something；　Philip　Lynch's　hand　must　write　at　your　dictation；　and　if；　when
written；　I　can　sign　it　I　will　do　so；　but　such　a　document　as　you　say　you
must　have　from　me；　I　never　can　sign。　　I　mean　what　I　say。〃

〃Well；　sir；　what's　to　be　done　must　be　done　quickly；　for　I've　been　here
long　enough　already。　　I'll　put　the　thing　in　another　shape　（and　then
pointing　to　the　paper）；　don't　you　know　those　charges　to　be　false？〃

〃I　do　not。〃

〃Do　you　know　them　to　be　true？〃

〃Of　my　own　personal　knowledge　I　do　not。〃

〃Why　then　did　you　print　them？〃

〃Because　rightly　considered　in　their　connection　they　are　not　charges；　but
pertinent　and　useful　suggestions　in　answer　to　the　queries　of　a
correspondent　who　stated　facts　which　are　inexplicable。〃

〃Don't　you　know　that　I　know　they　are　false？〃

〃If　you　do；　the　proper　course　is　simply　to　deny　them　and　court　an
investigation。〃

〃And　do　YOU　claim　the　right　to　make　ME　come　out　and　deny　anything　you　may
choose　to　write　and　print？〃

To　that　question　I　think　I　made　no　reply；　and　he　then　further　said：

〃Come；　now；　we've　talked　about　the　matter　long　enough。　　I　want　your　final
answerdid　you　write　that　article　or　not？〃

〃I　cannot　in　honor　tell　you　who　wrote　it。〃

〃Did　you　not　see　it　before　it　was　printed？〃

〃Most　certainly；　sir。〃

〃And　did　you　deem　it　a　fit　thing　to　publish？〃

〃Most　assuredly；　sir；　or　I　would　never　have　consented　to　its　appearance。
Of　its　authorship　I　can　say　nothing　whatever；　but　for　its　publication　I
assume　full；　sole　and　personal　responsibility。〃

〃And　do　you　then　retract　it　or　not？〃

〃Mr。　Winters；　if　my　refusal　to　sign　such　a　paper　as　you　have　demanded
must　entail　upon　me　all　that　your　language　in　this　room　fairly　implies；
then　I　ask　a　few　minutes　for　prayer。〃

〃Prayer！…you；　this　is　not　your　hour　for　prayeryour　time　to　pray　was
when　you　were　writing　thoselying　charges。　　Will　you　sign　or　not？〃

〃You　already　have　my　answer。〃

〃What！　　do　you　still　refuse？〃

〃I　do；　sir。〃

〃Take　that；　then；〃　and　to　my　amazement　and　inexpressible　relief　he　drew
only　a　rawhide　instead　of　what　I　expecteda　bludgeon　or　pistol。　　With
it；　as　he　spoke；　he　struck　at　my　left　ear　downwards；　as　if　to　tear　it
off；　and　afterwards　on　the　side　of　the　head。　　As　he　moved　away　to　get　a
better　chance　for　a　more　effective　shot；　for　the　first　time　I　gained　a
chance　under　peril　to　rise；　and　I　did　so　pitying　him　from　the　very　bottom
of　my　soul；　to　think　that　one　so　naturally　capable　of　true　dignity；　power
and　nobility　could；　by　the　temptations　of　this　State；　and　by　unfortunate
associations　and　aspirations；　be　so　deeply　debased　as　to　find　in　such
brutality　anything　which　he　could　call　satisfactionbut　the　great　hope
for　us　all　is　in　progress　and　growth；　and　John　B。　　Winters；　I　trust；　will
yet　be　able　to　comprehend　my　feelings。

He　continued　to　beat　me　with　all　his　great　force；　until　absolutely　weary；
exhausted　and　panting　for　breath。　　I　still　adhered　to　my　purpose　of　non…
aggressive　d