we two-第88章
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knows that the Father can； and will； turn the evil into the means of glorious gain。
As Erica looked； the true meaning of pain seemed to flash upon her。 Dimly she had apprehended it in the days of her atheism； had clung to the hope that the pain of the few brought the gain of the many； but now the hope became certainty； the faith became open vision。 For was it not all here； written in clearest characters； in the life of the Ideal Man？ And is not what was true for him； true for us too？ We talk much about 〃Christ our example；〃 and struggle painfully along the uphill road of the 〃Imitation of Christ；〃 meaning by that too often a vague endeavor to be 〃good；〃 to be patient； to be not entirely absorbed in the things which are seen。 But when pain comes； when the immense misery and evil in the world are borne in upon us； we too often stumble； or fail utterly； just because we do not understand our sonship； because we forget that Christians must be sin…bearers like their Master； pain bearers like their Master； because we will let ourselves be blinded by the mystery of evil and the mystery of pain； instead of fixing our eyes as Christ did； on the joy that those mysteries are sure to bring。 〃Lo； I come to do Thy will。〃 And what is the will of even a good earthly father but the best possible for all his children？
Erica saw for the first time that no pain she had ever suffered had been a wasted thing； nor had it merely taught her personally some needful lesson； it had been rather her allotted service； her share of pain…bearing； sin…bearing； Christ…following； her opportunity of doing the 〃Will〃 not self…chosen； but given to her as one of the best of gifts by the Father Himself。
〃Oh； what a little fool I've been！〃 she thought to herself with the strange pang of joy which comes when we make some discovery which sweetens the whole of life； and which seems so self…evident that we can but wonder and wonder at our dense stupidity in not seeing it sooner。 〃I've been grudging Brian what God sees he most wants！ I've been groaning over the libels and injustices which seem to bring so much pain and evil when； after all； they will be； in the long run； the very things to show people the need of tolerance； and to establish freedom of speech。〃
Even this pain of renunciation seemed to gain a new meaning for her though she could not in the least fathom it； even the unspeakable grief of feeling that her father was devoting much of his life to the propagation of error； lost its bitterness though it retained its depth。 For with the true realization of Fatherhood and Sonship impatience and bitterness die； and in their place rises the peace which 〃passeth understanding。〃
〃We will have a day of unmitigated pleasure；〃 her father had said to her； and the words had at the time been like a sharp stab。 But； after all； might not this pain； this unseen and dimly understood work for humanity； be in very truth the truest pleasure？ What artist is there who would not gratefully receive from the Master an order to attempt the loftiest of subjects？ What poet is there whose heart would not bound when he knew he was called to write on the noblest of themes？ All the struggles； all the weary days of failure； all the misery of conscious incompleteness； all the agony of soul these were but means to the end； and so inseparably bound up with the end that they were no more evil； but good； their darkness over flooded with the light of the work achieved。
Raeburn； coming into the room； saw what she was looking at； and turned away。 Little as he could understand her thoughts； he was not the sort of man to wound unnecessarily one who differed from him。 His words in public were sharp and uncompromising； in debate he did not much care how he hit as long as he hit hard。 But； apart from the excitement of such sword play； he was； when convinced that his hearers were honest Christians； genuinely sorry to give them pain。
Erica found him looking at a Sevres china vase in which he could not by any possibility have been interested。
〃I feel Mr。 Ruskin's wrathful eye upon me；〃 she said； laughing。 〃Now after spending all that time before a Carlo Dolci； we must really go to the Uffizzi and look at Botticelli's 'Fortitude。〃 Brian and I nearly quarreled over it the last time we were there。〃
So they wandered away together through the long galleries； Erica pointing out her favorite pictures and hearing his opinion about them。 And indeed Raeburn was as good a companion as could be wished for in a picture gallery。 The intense development of the critical faculty； which had really been the bane of his existence； came here to his aid for he had a quick eye for all that was beautiful both in art and nature； and wonderfully keen powers of observation。 The refreshment； too； of leaving for a moment his life of excessive toil was great； Erica hoped that he really did find the day； for once； 〃unmitigated pleasure。〃
They went to Santa Croce； they walked through the crowded market； they had a merry dispute about ascending the campanile。
〃Just this one you really must let me try；〃 said Erica； 〃they say it is very easy。〃
〃To people without spines perhaps it may be；〃 said Raeburn。
〃But think of the view from the top；〃 said Erica； 〃and it really won't hurt me。 Now； padre mio； I'm sure it's for the greatest happiness of the greatest number that I should go up！〃
〃It's the old story；〃 said Raeburn； smiling；
'Vain is the hope； by any force or skill； To stem the current of a woman's will； For if she will； she will； you may depend on't； And if she won't； she won't； and there's an end on't。'
However； since this is probably the last time in our lives that we shall have the chance； perhaps； I'll not do the tyrannical father。〃
They had soon climbed the steep staircase and were quite rewarded by the magnificent view from the top； a grand panorama of city and river and green Apennines。 Erica looked northward to Fiesole with a fast…throbbing heart。 Yet it seemed as if half a life time lay between the passion…tossed yesterday and the sad yet peaceful present。 Nor was the feeling a mere delusion； she had indeed in those brief hours lived years of the spirit life。
She did not stay long at that northern parapet； thoughts of her own life or even of Brian's would not do just then。 She had to think of her father； to devote herself to him。 And somehow； though her heart was sad； yet her happiness was real as they tried together to make out the various buildings； and her talk was unrestrained； and even her laughter natural； not forced； for it is possible to those who really love to throw themselves altogether into the life of another； and to lay aside all thought of self。
Once or twice that day she half feared that her father must guess all that had happened。 He was so very careful of her； so considerate； and for Raeburn to be more considerate meant a great deal for in private he was always the most gentle man imaginable。 His opponents； who often regarded him as a sort of 〃fiend in human shape；〃 were strangely mistaken in their estimate of his character。 When treated with discourtesy or unfairness in public； it was true that he hit back again； and hit hard； and； since even in the nineteenth century we are so foolish as to use these weapons against the expression of opinions we deem mischievous； Raeburn had had a great deal of practice in this retaliation。 He was a very proud and a very sensitive man； not blessed with overmuch patience。 But he held his opinions honestly and had suffered much for them； he had a real love for humanity and an almost passionate desire to better his generation。 To such a man it was no light thing to be deemed everything that is vile； like poor Shelley； he found it exceedingly bitter to let 〃murderers and traitors take precedence of him in public opinion。〃 People in general took into account all his harsh utterances （and some of them were very harsh）； but they rarely thought anything about the provocation received； the excessively hard life that this man had lived； the gross personal insults which he had had to put up with； the galling injustice he had had to fight against。 Upon this side of the question they just turned their backs； poo
