the angel and the author-第24章
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that absurd umbrella。 You are too handy with it。 Put it back in the
rack before we start； or go out by yourself。〃
Besides； my sense of justice is outraged。 Why should the short
brother be banged and thumped without reason？ The Greek dramatist
would have explained to us that the shorter brother had committed a
crime against the gods。 Aristophanes would have made the longer
brother the instrument of the Furies。 The riddles he asked would
have had bearing upon the shorter brother's sin。 In this way the
spectator would have enjoyed amusement combined with the satisfactory
sense that Nemesis is ever present in human affairs。 I present the
idea； for what it may be worth； to the concoctors of knockabout
turns。
＇Where Brotherly （and Sisterly） Love reigns supreme＇
The family tie is always strong on the music…hall stage。 The
acrobatic troupe is always a 〃Family〃： Pa； Ma； eight brothers and
sisters； and the baby。 A more affectionate family one rarely sees。
Pa and Ma are a trifle stout； but still active。 Baby； dear little
fellow； is full of humour。 Ladies do not care to go on the music…
hall stage unless they can take their sister with them。 I have seen
a performance given by eleven sisters； all the same size and
apparently all the same age。 She must have been a wonderful woman
the mother。 They all had golden hair； and all wore precisely similar
frocksa charming but decolletee arrangementin claret…coloured
velvet over blue silk stockings。 So far as I could gather； they all
had the same young man。 No doubt he found it difficult amongst them
to make up his mind。
〃Arrange it among yourselves；〃 he no doubt had said； 〃it is quite
immaterial to me。 You are so much alike； it is impossible that a
fellow loving one should not love the lot of you。 So long as I marry
into the family I really don't care。〃
When a performer appears alone on the music…hall stage it is easy to
understand why。 His or her domestic life has been a failure。 I
listened one evening to six songs in succession。 The first two were
sung by a gentleman。 He entered with his clothes hanging upon him in
shreds。 He explained that he had just come from an argument with his
wife。 He showed us the brick with which she had hit him； and the
bump at the back of his head that had resulted。 The funny man's
marriage is never a success。 But really this seems to be his own
fault。 〃She was such a lovely girl；〃 he tells us； 〃with a face
well； you'd hardly call it a face； it was more like a gas explosion。
Then she had those wonderful sort of eyes that you can see two ways
at once with； one of them looks down the street； while the other one
is watching round the corner。 Can see you coming any way。 And her
mouth！〃
It appears that if she stands anywhere near the curb and smiles；
careless people mistake her for a pillar…box； and drop letters into
her。
〃And such a voice！〃 We are told it is a perfect imitation of a
motor…car。 When she laughs people spring into doorways to escape
being run over。
If he will marry that sort of woman； what can he expect？ The man is
asking for it。
The lady who followed him also told us a sad story of misplaced
trust。 She also was comicso the programme assured us。 The
humorist appears to have no luck。 She had lent her lover money to
buy the ring； and the licence； and to furnish the flat。 He did buy
the ring； and he furnished the flat； but it was for another lady。
The audience roared。 I have heard it so often asked； 〃What is
humour？〃 From observation； I should describe it as other people's
troubles。
A male performer followed her。 He came on dressed in a night…shirt；
carrying a baby。 His wife； it seemed； had gone out for the evening
with the lodger。 That was his joke。 It was the most successful song
of the whole six。
＇The one sure Joke。＇
A philosopher has put it on record that he always felt sad when he
reflected on the sorrows of humanity。 But when he reflected on its
amusements he felt sadder still。
Why was it so funny that the baby had the lodger's nose？ We laughed
for a full minute by the clock。
Why do I love to see a flabby…faced man go behind curtains； and；
emerging in a wig and a false beard； say that he is now Bismarck or
Mr。 Chamberlain？ I have felt resentment against the Lightning
Impersonator ever since the days of Queen Victoria's Diamond Jubilee。
During that summer every Lightning Impersonator ended his show by
shouting； while the band played the National Anthem； 〃Queen
Victoria！〃 He was not a bit like Queen Victoria。 He did not even；
to my thinking； look a lady； but at once I had to stand up in my
place and sing 〃God save the Queen。〃 It was a time of enthusiastic
loyalty； if you did not spring up quickly some patriotic old fool
from the back would reach across and hit you over the head with the
first thing he could lay his hands upon。
Other music…hall performers caught at the idea。 By ending up with
〃God save the Queen〃 any performer； however poor； could retire in a
whirlwind of applause。 Niggers； having bored us with tiresome songs
about coons and honeys and Swanee Rivers； would； as a last resource；
strike up 〃God save the Queen〃 on the banjo。 The whole house would
have to rise and cheer。 Elderly Sisters Trippet； having failed to
arouse our enthusiasm by allowing us a brief glimpse of an ankle；
would put aside all frivolity； and tell us of a hero lover named
George； who had fought somebody somewhere for his Queen and country。
〃He fell！〃bang from the big drum and blue limelight。 In a
recumbent position he appears to have immediately started singing
〃God save the Queen。〃
＇How Anarchists are made。＇
Sleepy members of the audience would be hastily awakened by their
friends。 We would stagger to our feet。 The Sisters Trippet； with
eyes fixed on the chandelier； would lead us： to the best of our
ability we would sing 〃God save the Queen。〃
There have been evenings when I have sung 〃God save the Queen〃 six
times。 Another season of it； and I should have become a Republican。
The singer of patriotic songs is generally a stout and puffy man。
The perspiration pours from his face as the result of the violent
gesticulations with which he tells us how he stormed the fort。 He
must have reached it very hot。
〃There were ten to one agin us； boys。〃 We feel that this was a
miscalculation on the enemy's part。 Ten to one 〃agin〃 such wildly
gesticulating Britishers was inviting defeat。
It seems to have been a terrible battle notwithstanding。 He shows us
with a real sword how it was done。 Nothing could have lived within a
dozen yards of that sword。 The conductor of the orchestra looks
nervous。 Our fear is lest he will end by cutting off his own head。
His recollections are carrying him away。 Then follows 〃Victory！〃
The gas men and the programme sellers cheer wildly。 We conclude with
the inevitable 〃God save the King。〃
CHAPTER XVI
＇The Ghost and the Blind Children。＇
Ghosts are in the air。 It is difficult at this moment to avoid
talking of ghosts。 The first question you are asked on being
introduced this season is：
〃Do you believe in ghosts？〃
I would be so glad to believe in ghosts。 This world is much too
small for me。 Up to a century or two ago the intellectual young man
found it sufficient for his purposes。 It still contained the
unknownthe possiblewithin its boundaries。 New continents were
still to be discovered： we dreamt of giants； Liliputians； desert…
fenced Utopias。 We set our sail； and Wonderland lay ever just beyond
our horizon。 To…day the world is small； the light railway runs
through the desert； the coasting steamer calls at the Islands of the
Blessed； the last mystery has been unveiled； the fairies are dead；
the talking birds are silent。 Our baffled curiosity turns for relief
outwards。 We call upon the dead to rescue us from our monotony。 The
first authentic ghost will be welcomed as the saviour of humanity。
But he must be a living ghosta ghost we can respect； a ghost we can
listen to。 The poor spiritless addle…
