the forged coupon()-第31章
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which shone a smile attractive and compelling； she saw the promise of that
life for which she longed。 And then the smiles and glances； the hope of
something so incredibly beautiful； led； as they were bound to lead； to that
which she feared but unconsciously awaited。
Suddenly all that was beautiful； joyous； spiritual； and full of promise
for the future； became animal and sordid； sad and despairing。
She looked into his eyes and tried to smile； pretending that she feared
nothing； that everything was as it should be； but deep down in her soul she
knew it was all over。 She understood that she had not found in him what
she had sought； that which she had once known in herself and in Koko。
She told him that he must write to her father asking her hand in marriage。
This he promised to do； but when she met him next he said it was
impossible for him to write just then。 She saw something vague and
furtive in his eyes； and her distrust of him grew。 The following day he
wrote to her； telling her that he was already married； though his wife had
left him long since； that he knew she would despise him for the wrong he
had done her； and implored her forgiveness。 She made him come to see
her。 She said she loved him； that she felt herself bound to him for ever
whether he was married or not； and would never leave him。 The next time
they met he told her that he and his parents were so poor that he could
only offer her the meanest existence。 She answered that she needed
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nothing； and was ready to go with him at once wherever he wished。 He
endeavoured to dissuade her； advising her to wait； and so she waited。 But
to live on with this secret； with occasional meetings； and merely
corresponding with him； all hidden from her family； was agonising； and
she insisted again that he must take her away。 At first； when she returned
to St。 Petersburg； be wrote promising to come； and then letters ceased and
she knew no more of him。
She tried to lead her old life； but it was impossible。 She fell ill； and the
efforts of the doctors were unavailing； in her hopelessness she resolved to
kill herself。 But how was she to do this； so that her death might seem
natural？ She really desired to take her life； and imagined that she had
irrevocably decided on the step。 So； obtaining some poison； she poured
it into a glass； and in another instant would have drunk it； had not her
sister's little son of five at that very moment run in to show her a toy his
grandmother had given him。 She caressed the child； and； suddenly
stopping short； burst into tears。
The thought overpowered her that she； too； might have been a mother
had he not been married； and this vision of motherhood made her look into
her own soul for the first time。 She began to think not of what others
would say of her； but of her own life。 To kill oneself because of what the
world might say was easy； but the moment she saw her own life
dissociated from the world； to take that life was out of the question。 She
threw away the poison； and ceased to think of suicide。
Then her life within began。 It was real life； and despite the torture of
it； had the possibility been given her； she would not have turned back from
it。 She began to pray； but there was no comfort in prayer； and her suffering
was less for herself than for her father； whose grief she foresaw and
understood。
Thus months dragged along； and then something happened which
entirely transformed her life。 One day； when she was at work upon a
quilt； she suddenly experienced a strange sensation。 Noit seemed
impossible。 Motionless she sat with her work in hand。 Was it possible
that this was IT。 Forgetting everything； his baseness and deceit； her
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mother's querulousness； and her father's sorrow； she smiled。 She
shuddered at the recollection that she was on the point of killing it；
together with herself。
She now directed all her thoughts to getting awaysomewhere where
she could bear her childand become a miserable； pitiful mother； but a
mother withal。 Somehow she planned and arranged it all； leaving her
home and settling in a distant provincial town； where no one could find
her； and where she thought she would be far from her people。 But；
unfortunately； her father's brother received an appointment there； a thing
she could not possibly foresee。 For four months she had been living in the
house of a midwife one Maria Ivanovna； and； on learning that her uncle
had come to the town； she was preparing to fly to a still remoter hiding…
place。
III
MICHAEL IVANOVICH awoke early next morning。 He entered his
brother's study； and handed him the cheque； filled in for a sum which he
asked him to pay in monthly instalments to his daughter。 He inquired
when the express left for St。 Petersburg。 The train left at seven in the
evening； giving him time for an early dinner before leaving。 He
breakfasted with his sister…in…law； who refrained from mentioning the
subject which was so painful to him； but only looked at him timidly； and
after breakfast he went out for his regular morning walk。
Alexandra Dmitrievna followed him into the hall。
〃Go into the public gardens； Michaelit is very charming there； and
quite near to Everything；〃 said she； meeting his sombre looks with a
pathetic glance。
Michael Ivanovich followed her advice and went to the public gardens；
which were so near to Everything； and meditated with annoyance on the
stupidity； the obstinacy； and heartlessness of women。
〃She is not in the very least sorry for me；〃 he thought of his sister…in…
law。 〃She cannot even understand my sorrow。 And what of her？〃 He was
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thinking of his daughter。 〃She knows what all this means to methe
torture。 What a blow in one's old age！ My days will be shortened by it！
But I'd rather have it over than endure this agony。 And all that 'pour les
beaux yeux d'un chenapan'oh！〃 he moaned； and a wave of hatred and
fury arose in him as he thought of what would be said in the town when
every one knew。 （And no doubt every one knew already。） Such a feeling of
rage possessed him that he would have liked to beat it into her head； and
make her understand what she had done。 These women never understand。
〃It is quite near Everything；〃 suddenly came to his mind； and getting out
his notebook； he found her address。 Vera Ivanovna Silvestrova；
Kukonskaya Street； Abromov's house。 She was living under this name。
He left the garde
