resurrection(复活)-第76章

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become　strange；　distant；　and　incomprehensible；　if　not　hostile　to
him。


CHAPTER　XXIII。

THE　PUBLIC　PROSECUTOR。

When　Nekhludoff　knew　Selenin　as　a　student；　he　was　a　good　son；　a
true　friend；　and　for　his　years　an　educated　man　of　the　world；　with
much　tact；　elegant；　handsome；　and　at　the　same　time　truthful　and
honest。　He　learned　well；　without　much　exertion　and　with　no
pedantry；　receiving　gold　medals　for　his　essays。　He　considered　the
service　of　mankind；　not　only　in　words　but　in　acts；　to　be　the　aim
of　his　young　life。　He　saw　no　other　way　of　being　useful　to
humanity　than　by　serving　the　State。　Therefore；　as　soon　as　he　had
completed　his　studies；　he　systematically　examined　all　the
activities　to　which　he　might　devote　his　life；　and　decided　to
enter　the　Second　Department　of　the　Chancellerie；　where　the　laws
are　drawn　up；　and　he　did　so。　But；　in　spite　of　the　most　scrupulous
and　exact　discharge　of　the　duties　demanded　of　him；　this　service
gave　no　satisfaction　to　his　desire　of　being　useful；　nor　could　he
awake　in　himself　the　consciousness　that　he　was　doing　〃the　right
thing。〃

This　dissatisfaction　was　so　much　increased　by　the　friction　with
his　very　small…minded　and　vain　fellow　officials　that　he　left　the
Chancellerie　and　entered　the　Senate。　It　was　better　there；　but　the
same　dissatisfaction　still　pursued　him；　he　felt　it　to　be　very
different　from　what　he　had　expected；　and　from　what　ought　to　be。

And　now　that　he　was　in　the　Senate　his　relatives　obtained　for　him
the　post　of　Gentleman　of　the　Bedchamber；　and　he　had　to　go　in　a
carriage；　dressed　in　an　embroidered　uniform　and　a　white　linen
apron；　to　thank　all　sorts　of　people　for　having　placed　him　in　the
position　of　a　lackey。　However　much　he　tried　he　could　find　no
reasonable　explanation　for　the　existence　of　this　post；　and　felt；
more　than　in　the　Senate；　that　it　was　not　〃the　right　thing；〃　and
yet　he　could　not　refuse　it　for　fear　of　hurting　those　who　felt
sure　they　were　giving　him　much　pleasure　by　this　appointment；　and
because　it　flattered　the　lowest　part　of　his　nature。　It　pleased
him　to　see　himself　in　a　mirror　in　his　gold…embroidered　uniform；
and　to　accept　the　deference　paid　him　by　some　people　because　of
his　position。

Something　of　the　same　kind　happened　when　he　married。　A　very
brilliant　match；　from　a　worldly　point　of　view；　was　arranged　for
him；　and　he　married　chiefly　because　by　refusing　he　would　have　had
to　hurt　the　young　lady　who　wished　to　be　married　to　him；　and　those
who　arranged　the　marriage；　and　also　because　a　marriage　with　a
nice　young　girl　of　noble　birth　flattered　his　vanity　and　gave　him
pleasure。　But　this　marriage　very　soon　proved　to　be　even　less　〃the
right　thing〃　than　the　Government　service　and　his　position　at
Court。

After　the　birth　of　her　first　child　the　wife　decided　to　have　no
more；　and　began　leading　that　luxurious　worldly　life　in　which　he
now　had　to　participate　whether　he　liked　or　not。

She　was　not　particularly　handsome；　and　was　faithful　to　him；　and
she　seemed；　in　spite　of　all　the　efforts　it　cost　her；　to　derive
nothing　but　weariness　from　the　life　she　led；　yet　she
perseveringly　continued　to　live　it；　though　it　was　poisoning　her
husband's　life。　And　all　his　efforts　to　alter　this　life　was
shattered；　as　against　a　stone　wall；　by　her　conviction；　which　all
her　friends　and　relatives　supported；　that　all　was　as　it　should
be。

The　child；　a　little　girl　with　bare　legs　and　long　golden　curls；
was　a　being　perfectly　foreign　to　him；　chiefly　because　she　was
trained　quite　otherwise　than　he　wished　her　to　be。　There　sprung　up
between　the　husband　and　wife　the　usual　misunderstanding；　without
even　the　wish　to　understand　each　other；　and　then　a　silent
warfare；　hidden　from　outsiders　and　tempered　by　decorum。　All　this
made　his　life　at　home　a　burden；　and　became　even　less　〃the　right
thing〃　than　his　service　and　his　post。

But　it　was　above　all　his　attitude　towards　religion　which　was　not
〃the　right　thing。〃　Like　every　one　of　his　set　and　his　time；　by　the
growth　of　his　reason　he　broke　without　the　least　effort　the　nets
of　the　religious　superstitions　in　which　he　was　brought　up；　and
did　not　himself　exactly　know　when　it　was　that　he　freed　himself　of
them。　Being　earnest　and　upright；　he　did　not；　during　his　youth　and
intimacy　with　Nekhludoff　as　a　student；　conceal　his　rejection　of
the　State　religion。　But　as　years　went　on　and　he　rose　in　the
service；　and　especially　at　the　time　of　the　reaction　towards
conservatism　in　society；　his　spiritual　freedom　stood　in　his　way。

At　home；　when　his　father　died；　he　had　to　be　present　at　the　masses
said　for　his　soul；　and　his　mother　wished　him　to　go　to　confession
or　to　communion；　and　it　was　in　a　way　expected；　by　public　opinion；
but　above　all；　Government　service　demanded　that　he　should　be
present　at　all　sorts　of　services；　consecrations；　thanksgivings；
and　the　like。　Hardly　a　day　passed　without　some　outward　religious
form　having　to　be　observed。

When　present　at　these　services　he　had　to　pretend　that　he　believed
in　something　which　he　did　not　believe　in；　and　being　truthful　he
could　not　do　this。　The　alternative　was；　having　made　up　his　mind
that　all　these　outward　signs　were　deceitful；　to　alter　his　life　in
such　a　way　that　he　would　not　have　to　be　present　at　such
ceremonials。　But　to　do　what　seemed　so　simple　would　have　cost　a
great　deal。　Besides　encountering　the　perpetual　hostility　of　all
those　who　were　near　to　him；　he　would　have　to　give　up　the　service
and　his　position；　and　sacrifice　his　hopes　of　being　useful　to
humanity　by　his　service；　now　and　in　the　future。　To　make　such　a
sacrifice　one　would　have　to　be　firmly　convinced　of　being　right。

And　he　was　firmly　convinced　he　was　right；　as　no　educated　man　of
our　time　can　help　being　convinced　who　knows　a　little　history　and
how　the　religions；　and　especially　Church　Christianity；
originated。

But　under　the　stress　of　his　daily　life　he；　a　truthful　man；
allowed　a　little　falsehood　to　creep　in。　He　said　that　in　order　to
do　justice　to　an　unreasonable　thing　one　had　to　study　the
unreasonable　thing。　It　was　a　little　falsehood；　but　it　sunk　him
into　the　big　falsehood　in　which　he　was　now　caught。

Before　putting　to　himself　the　question　whether　the　orthodoxy　in
which　he　was　born　and　bred；　and　which　every　one　expected　him　to
accept；　and　without　which　he　could　not　continue　his　useful
occupation；　contained　the　truth；　he　had　already　decided　the
answer。　And　to　clear　up　the　question　he　did　not　read　Voltaire；
Schopenhauer；　Herbert　Spencer；　or　Comte；　but　the　philosophical
works　of　Hegel　and　the　religious　works　of　Vinet　and　Khomyakoff；
and　naturally　found　in　them　what　he　wanted；　i。e。；　something　like
peace　of　mind　and　a　vindication　of　that　religious　teaching　in
which　he　was　educated；　which　his　reason　had　long　ceased　to
accept；　but　without　which　his　whole　life　was　filled　with
unpleasantness　which　could　all　be　removed　by　accepting　the
teaching。

And　so　he　adopted　all　the　usual　sophistries　which　go　to　prove
that　a　single　human　reason　cannot　know　the　truth；　that　the　truth
is　only　revealed　to　an　association　of　men；　and　can　only　be　known
by　revelation；　that　revelation　is　kept　by　the　church；　etc。　And　so
he　managed　to　be　present　at　prayers；　masses　for　the　dead；　to
confess；　make　signs　of　the　cross　in　front　of　icons；　with　a　quiet
mind；　without　being　conscious　of　the　lie；　and　to　continue　in　the
service　which　gave　him　the　feeling　of　being　useful　and　some
comfort　in　his　joyless　family　life。　Although　he　believed　this；　he
felt　with　his　entire　being　that　this　religion　of　his；　more　than
all　else；　was　not　〃the　right　thing；〃　and　that　is　why　his　eyes
always　looked　sad。

And　seeing　Nekhludoff；　whom　he　had　known　before　all　these　lies
had　rooted　themselves　within　him；　reminded　him　of　what　he　then
was。　It　was　especially　after　he　had　hurried　to　hint　at　his
religious　views　that　he　had　most　strongly　felt　all　this　〃not　the
right　thing；〃　and　had　become　painfully　sad。　Nekhludoff　felt　it
also　after　the　first　joy　of　meeting　his　old　friend　had　passed；
and　therefore；　though　they　promised　each　other　to　meet；　they　did
not　take　any　steps　towards　an　interview；　and　did　not　again　see
each　other　during　this　stay　of　Nekhludoff's　in　Petersburg。


CHAPTER　XXIV。

MARIETTE　TEMPTS　NEKHLUDOFF。

When　they　left　the　Senat