fantastic fables-第17章

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This　speech　being　unintelligible　to　the　Bulldog　he　only　civilly　



smiled；　which　so　terrified　the　Spaniel　that　he　dropped　dead　in　his　



tracks。















Saint　and　Sinner















〃MY　friend；〃　said　a　distinguished　officer　of　the　Salvation　Army；　to　



a　Most　Wicked　Sinner；　〃I　was　once　a　drunkard；　a　thief；　an　assassin。　　



The　Divine　Grace　has　made　me　what　I　am。〃







The　Most　Wicked　Sinner　looked　at　him　from　head　to　foot。　　



〃Henceforth；〃　he　said；　〃the　Divine　Grace；　I　fancy；　will　let　well　



enough　alone。〃















An　Antidote















A　YOUNG　Ostrich　came　to　its　Mother；　groaning　with　pain　and　with　its　



wings　tightly　crossed　upon　its　stomach。







〃What　have　you　been　eating？〃　the　Mother　asked；　with　solicitude。







〃Nothing　but　a　keg　of　Nails；〃　was　the　reply。







〃What！〃　exclaimed　the　Mother；　〃a　whole　keg　of　Nails；　at　your　age！　　



Why；　you　will　kill　yourself　that　way。　　Go　quickly；　my　child；　and　



swallow　a　claw…hammer。〃















A　Weary　Echo















A　CONVENTION　of　female　writers；　which　for　two　days　had　been　



stuffing　Woman's　couch　with　goose…quills　and　hailing　the　down　of　a　



new　era；　adjourned　with　unabated　enthusiasm；　shouting；　〃Place　aux　



dames！〃　　And　Echo　wearily　replied；　〃Oh；　damn。〃















The　Ingenious　Blackmailer















AN　Inventor　went　to　a　King　and　was　granted　an　audience；　when　the　



following　conversation　ensued：







INVENTOR。　…　〃May　it　please　your　Majesty；　I　have　invented　a　rifle　



that　discharges　lightning。〃







KING。　…　〃Ah；　you　wish　to　sell　me　the　secret。〃







INVENTOR。　…　〃Yes；　it　will　enable　your　army　to　overrun　any　nation　



that　is　accessible。〃







KING。　…　〃In　order　to　get　any　good　of　my　outlay　for　your　invention；　



I　must　make　a　war；　and　do　so　as　soon　as　I　can　arm　my　troops　…　



before　your　secret　is　discovered　by　foreign　nations。　　How　much　do　



you　want？〃







INVENTOR。　…　〃One　million　dollars。〃







KING。　…　〃And　how　much　will　it　cost　to　make　the　change　of　arms？〃







INVENTOR。　…　〃Fifty　millions。〃







KING。　…　〃And　the　war　will　Cost　…　？〃







INVENTOR。　…　〃But　consider　the　glory　and　the　spoils！〃







KING。　…　〃Exactly。　　But　if　I　am　not　seeking　these　advantages？　　What　



if　I　decline　to　purchase？〃







INVENTOR。　…　〃There　is　no　economy　in　that。　　Though　a　patriot；　I　am　



poor；　if　my　own　country　will　not　patronise　me；　I　must　seek　a　market　



elsewhere。〃







KING　（to　Prime　Minister）。　…　〃Take　this　blackmailer　and　cut　off　his　



head。〃















A　Talisman















HAVING　been　summoned　to　serve　as　a　juror；　a　Prominent　Citizen　sent　



a　physician's　certificate　stating　that　he　was　afflicted　with　



softening　of　the　brain。







〃The　gentleman　is　excused；〃　said　the　Judge；　handing　back　the　



certificate　to　the　person　who　had　brought　it；　〃he　has　a　brain。〃















The　Ancient　Order















HARDLY　had　that　ancient　order；　the　Sultans　of　Exceeding　Splendour；　



been　completely　founded　by　the　Grand　Flashing　Inaccessible；　when　a　



question　arose　as　to　what　should　be　the　title　of　address　among　the　



members。　　Some　wanted　it　to　be　simply　〃my　Lord；〃　others　held　out　



for　〃your　Dukeness；〃　and　still　others　preferred　〃my　Sovereign　



Liege。〃　　Finally　the　gorgeous　jewel　of　the　order；　gleaming　upon　the　



breast　of　every　member；　suggested　〃your　Badgesty；〃　which　was　



adopted；　and　the　order　became　popularly　known　as　the　Kings　of　



Catarrh。















A　Fatal　Disorder















A　DYING　Man　who　had　been　shot　was　requested　by　officers　of　the　law　



to　make　a　statement；　and　be　quick　about　it。







〃You　were　assaulted　without　provocation；　of　course；〃　said　the　



District　Attorney；　preparing　to　set　down　the　answer。







〃No；〃　replied　the　Dying　Man；　〃I　was　the　aggressor。〃







〃Yes；　I　understand；〃　said　the　District　Attorney；　〃you　committed　the　



aggression　…　you　were　compelled　to；　as　it　were。　　You　did　it　in　



self…defence。〃







〃I　don't　think　he　would　have　hurt　me　if　I　had　let　him　alone；〃　said　



the　other。　　〃No；　I　fancy　he　was　a　man　of　peace；　and　would　not　have　



hurt　a　fly。　　I　brought　such　a　pressure　to　bear　on　him　that　he　



naturally　had　to　yield　…　he　couldn't　hold　out。　　If　he　had　refused　



to　shoot　me　I　don't　see　how　I　could　decently　have　continued　his　



acquaintance。〃







〃Good　Heavens！〃　exclaimed　the　District　Attorney；　throwing　down　his　



note…book　and　pencil；　〃this　is　all　quite　irregular。　　I　can't　make　



use　of　such　an　ante…mortem　statement　as　that。〃







〃I　never　before　knew　a　man　to　tell　the　truth；〃　said　the　Chief　of　



Police；　〃when　dying　of　violence。〃







〃Violence　nothing！〃　the　Police　Surgeon　said；　pulling　out　and　



inspecting　the　man's　tongue　…　〃it　is　the　truth　that　is　killing　



him。〃















The　Massacre















SOME　Holy　Missionaries　in　China　having　been　deprived　of　life　by　the　



Bigoted　Heathens；　the　Christian　Press　made　a　note　of　it；　and　was　



greatly　pained　to　point　out　the　contrast　between　the　Bigoted　



Heathens　and　the　law…abiding　countrymen　of　the　Holy　Missionaries　



who　had　wickedly　been　sent　to　eternal　bliss。







〃Yes；〃　assented　a　Miserable　Sinner；　as　he　finished　reading　the　



articles；　〃the　Heathens　of　Ying　Shing　are　deceitful　above　all　



things　and　desperately　wicked。　　By　the　way；〃　he　added；　turning　over　



the　paper　to　read　the　entertaining　and　instructive　Fables；　〃I　know　



the　Heathenese　lingo。　　Ying　Shing　means　Rock　Creek；　it　is　in　the　



Province　of　Wyo　Ming。〃















A　Ship　and　a　Man















SEEING　a　ship　sailing　by　upon　the　sea　of　politics；　an　Ambitious　



Person　started　in　hot　pursuit　along　the　strand；　but　the　people's　



eyes　being　fixed　upon　the　Presidency　no　one　observed　the　pursuer。　　



This　greatly　annoyed　him；　and　recollecting　that　he　was　not　aquatic；　



he　stopped　and　shouted　across　the　waves'　tumultous　roar：







〃Take　my　name　off　the　passenger　list。〃







Back　to　him　over　the　waters；　hollow　and　heartless；　like　laughter　in　



a　tomb；　rang　the　voice　of　the　Skipper：







〃'T　ain't　on！〃







And　there；　in　the　focus　of　a　million　pairs　of　convergent　eyes；　the　



Ambitious　Person　sat　him　down　between　the　sun　and　moon　and　murmured　



sadly　to　his　own　soul：







〃Marooned；　by　thunder！〃















Congress　and　the　People















SUCCESSIVE　Congresses　having　greatly　impoverished　the　People；　they　



were　discouraged　and　wept　copiously。







〃Why　do　you　weep？〃　inquired　an　Angel　who　had　perched　upon　a　fence　



near　by。







〃They　have　taken　all　we　have；〃　replied　the　People　…　〃excepting；〃　



they　added；　noting　the　suggestive　visitant　…　〃excepting　our　hope　in　



heaven。　　Thank　God；　they　cannot　deprive　us　of　that！〃







But　at　last　came　the　Congress　of　1889。















The　Justice　and　His　Accuser















AN　eminent　Justice　of　the　Supreme　Court　of　Patagascar　was　accused　



of　having　obtained　his　appointment　by　fraud。







〃You　wander；〃　he　said　to　the　Accuser；　〃it　is　of　little　importance　



how　I　obtained　my　power；　it　is　only　important　how　I　have　used　it。〃







〃I　confess；〃　said　the　Accuser；　〃that　in　comparison　with　the　



rascally　way　in　which　you　have　conducted　yourself　on　the　Bench；　the　



rascally　way　in　which　you　got　there　does　seem　rather　a　trifle。〃















The　Highwayman　and　the　Traveller















A　HIGHWAYMAN　confronted　a　Traveller；　and　covering　him　with　a　



firearm；　shouted：　〃Your　money　or　your　life！〃







〃My　good　friend；〃　said　the　Traveller；　〃according　to　the　terms　of　



your　demand　my　money　will　save　my　life；　my　life　my　money；　you　imply　



you　will　take　one　or　the　other；　but　not　both。　　If　that　is　what　you　



mean；　please　be　good　enough　to　take　my　life。〃







〃That　is　not　what　I　mean；〃　said　the　Highw