the secret places of the heart-第33章

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〃No。　It　is　no　good　your　inventing　excuses　for　a　man　you　know　nothing　about。　It　was　vile；　contemptible　cowardice　and　meanness。　It　fitted　in　with　a　score　of　ugly　little　things　I　remembered。　It　explained　them　all。　I　know　the　evidence　and　the　judgment　against　him　were　strictly　just　and　true；　because　they　were　exactly　in　character。　。　。　。　And　that；　you　see；　was　my　man。　That　was　the　lover　I　had　chosen。　That　was　the　man　to　whom　I　had　given　myself　with　both　hands。〃　Her　soft　unhurrying　voice　halted　for　a　time；　and　then　resumed　in　the　same　even　tones　of　careful　statement。　〃I　wasn't　disgusted；　not　even　with　myself。　About　him　I　was　chiefly　sorry；　intensely　sorry；　because　I　had　made　him　come　out　of　a　life　that　suited　and　protected　him；　to　the　war。　About　myself；　I　was　stunned　and　perplexed。　I　had　the　clearest　realization　that　what　you　and　I　have　been　calling　the　bright　little　personal　life　had　broken　off　short　and　was　spoilt　and　over　and　done　with。　I　felt　as　though　it　was　my　body　they　had　shot。　And　there　I　was；　with　fifty　years　of　life　left　in　me　and　nothing　particular　to　do　with　them。〃　〃That　was　just　the　prelude　to　life；　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃It　didn't　seem　so　at　the　time。　I　felt　I　had　to　got　hold　of　something　or　go　to　pieces。　I　couldn't　turn　to　religion。　I　had　no　religion。　And　Duty？　What　is　Duty？　I　set　myself　to　that。　I　had　a　kind　of　revelation　one　night。　'Either　I　find　out　what　all　this　world　is　about；　I　said；　or　I　perish。'　I　have　lost　myself　and　I　must　forget　myself　by　getting　hold　of　something　bigger　than　myself。　And　becoming　that。　That's　why　I　have　been　making　a　sort　of　historical　pilgrimage。　。　。　。　That's　my　story；　Sir　Richmond。　That's　my　education。　。　。　。　Somehow　though　your　troubles　are　different；　it　seems　to　me　that　my　little　muddle　makes　me　understand　how　it　is　with　you。　What　you've　got；　this　idea　of　a　scientific　ordering　of　the　world；　is　what　I；　in　my　younger；　less　experienced　way；　have　been　feeling　my　way　towards。　I　want　to　join　on。　I　want　to　got　hold　of　this　idea　of　a　great　fuel　control　in　the　world　and　of　a　still　greater　economic　and　educational　control　of　which　it　is　a　part。　I　want　to　make　that　idea　a　part　of　myself。　Rather　I　want　to　make　myself　a　part　of　it。　When　you　talk　of　it　I　believe　in　it　altogether。〃　〃And　I　believe　in　it；　when　I　talk　of　it　to　you。〃　Section　9　Sir　Richmond　was　stirred　very　deeply　by　Miss　Grammont's　confidences。　His　dispute　with　Dr。　Martineau　was　present　in　his　mind；　so　that　he　did　not　want　to　make　love　to　her。　But　he　was　extremely　anxious　to　express　his　vivid　sense　of　the　value　of　her　friendship。　And　while　he　hesitated　over　this　difficult　and　unfamiliar　task　she　began　to　talk　again　of　herself；　and　in　such　a　way　as　to　give　a　new　turn　to　Sir　Richmond's　thoughts。　〃Perhaps　I　ought　to　tell　you　a　little　more　about　myself；〃　she　said；　〃now　that　I　have　told　you　so　much。　I　did　a　thing　that　still　puzzles　me。　I　was　filled　with　a　sense　of　hopeless　disaster　in　France　and　I　suppose　I　had　some　sort　of　desperate　idea　of　saving　something　out　of　the　situation。　。　。　。　I　renewed　my　correspondence　with　Gunter　Lake。　He　made　the　suggestion　I　knew　he　would　make；　and　I　renewed　our　engagement。〃　〃To　go　back　to　wealth　and　dignity　in　New　York？〃　〃Yes。〃　〃But　you　don't　love　him？〃　〃That's　always　been　plain　to　me。　But　what　I　didn't　realize；　until　I　had　given　my　promise　over　again；　was　that　I　dislike　him　acutely。〃　〃You　hadn't　realized　that　before？〃　〃I　hadn't　thought　about　him　sufficiently。　But　now　I　had　to　think　about　him　a　lot。　The　other　affair　had　given　me　an　idea　perhaps　of　what　it　means　to　be　married　to　a　man。　And　here　I　am　drifting　back　to　him。　The　horrible　thing　about　him　is　the　steady　ENVELOPING　way　in　which　he　has　always　come　at　me。　Without　fellowship。　Without　any　community　of　ideas。　Ready　to　make　the　most　extraordinary　bargains。　So　long　as　he　can　in　any　way　fix　me　and　get　me。　What　does　it　mean？　What　is　there　behind　those　watching；　soliciting　eyes　of　his？　I　don't　in　the　least　love　him；　and　this　desire　and　service　and　all　the　rest　of　it　he　offers　meit's　not　love。　It's　not　even　such　love　as　Caston　gave　me。　It's　a　game　he　plays　with　his　imagination。〃　She　had　released　a　flood　of　new　ideas　in　Sir　Richmond's　mind。　〃This　is　illuminating；〃　he　said。　〃You　dislike　Lake　acutely。　You　always　have　disliked　him。〃　〃I　suppose　I　have。　But　it's　only　now　I　admit　it　to　myself。〃　〃Yes。　And　you　might；　for　example；　have　married　him　in　New　York　before　the　war。〃　〃It　came　very　near　to　that。〃　〃And　then　probably　you　wouldn't　have　discovered　you　disliked　him。　You　wouldn't　have　admitted　it　to　yourself。〃　〃I　suppose　I　shouldn't。　I　suppose　I　should　have　tried　to　believe　I　loved　him。〃　〃Women　do　this　sort　of　thing。　Odd！　I　never　realized　it　before。　And　there　are　endless　wives　suppressing　an　acute　dislike。　My　wife　does。　I　see　now　quite　clearly　that　she　detests　me。　Reasonably　enough。　From　her　angle　I'm　entirely　detestable。　But　she　won't　admit　it；　won't　know　of　it。　She　never　will。　To　the　end　of　my　life；　always；　she　will　keep　that　detestation　unconfessed。　She　puts　a　face　on　the　matter。　We　both　do。　And　this　affair　of　yours。　。　。　。　Have　you　thought　how　unjust　it　is　to　Lake？〃　〃Not　nearly　so　much　as　I　might　have　done。〃　〃It　is　unfair　to　him。　Atrociously　unfair。　He's　not　my　sort　of　man；　perhaps；　but　it　will　hurt　him　cruelly　according　to　the　peculiar　laws　of　his　being。　He　seems　to　me　a　crawling　sort　of　lover　with　an　immense　self…conceit　at　the　back　of　his　crawlingness。〃　〃He　has；〃　she　endorsed。　〃He　backs　himself　to　crawluntil　he　crawls　triumphantly　right　over　you　。　。　。　。　I　don't　like　to　think　of　the　dream　he　has　。　。　。　。　I　take　it　he　will　lose。　Is　it　fair　to　go　into　this　game　with　him？〃　〃In　the　interests　of　Lake；〃　she　said；　smiling　softly　at　Sir　Richmond　in　the　moonlight。　〃But　you　are　perfectly　right。〃　〃And　suppose　he　doesn't　lose！〃　Sir　Richmond　found　himself　uttering　sentiments。　〃There　is　only　one　decent　way　in　which　a　civilized　man　and　a　civilized　woman　may　approach　one　another。　Passionate　desire　is　not　enough。　What　is　called　love　is　not　enough。　Pledges；　rational　considerations；　all　these　things　are　worthless。　All　these　things　are　compatible　with　hate。　The　primary　essential　is　friendship；　clear　understanding；　absolute　confidence。　Then　within　that　condition；　in　that　elect　relationship；　love　is　permissible；　mating；　marriage　or　no　marriage；　as　you　will　all　things　are　permissible。　。　。　。〃　Came　a　long　pause　between　them。　〃Dear　old　cathedral；〃　said　Miss　Grammont；　a　little　irrelevantly。　She　had　an　air　of　having　concluded　something　that　to　Sir　Richmond　seemed　scarcely　to　have　begun。　She　stood　looking　at　the　great　dark　facade　edged　with　moonlight　for　some　moments；　and　then　turned　towards　the　hotel；　which　showed　a　pink…lit　window。　〃I　wonder；〃　she　said；　〃if　Belinda　is　still　up；　And　what　she　will　think　when　I　tell　her　of　the　final　extinction　of　Mr。　Lake。　I　think　she　rather　looked　forward　to　being　the　intimate　friend；　secrets　and　everything；　of　Mrs。　Gunter　Lake。〃　Section　10　Sir　Richmond　woke　up　at　dawn　and　he　woke　out　of　an　extraordinary　dream。　He　was　saying　to　Miss　Grammont：　〃There　is　no　other　marriage　than　the　marriage　of　true　minds。　There　is　no　other　marriage　than　the　marriage　of　true　minds。〃　He　saw　her　as　he　had　seen　her　the　evening　before；　light　and　cool；　coming　towards　him　in　the　moonlight　from　the　hotel。　But　also　in　the　inconsistent　way　of　dreams　he　was　very　close　to　her　kind；　faintly　smiling　face；　and　his　eyes　were　wet　with　tears　and　he　was　kissing　her　hand。　〃My　dear　wife　and　mate；〃　he　was　saying；　and　suddenly　he　was　kissing　her　cool　lips。　He　woke　up　and　stared　at　his　dream；　which　faded　out　only　very　slowly　before　the　fresh　sun　rise　upon　the　red　tiles　and　tree　boughs　outside　the　open　window；　and　before　the　first　stir　and　clamour　of　the　birds。　He　felt　like　a　court　in　which　some　overwhelmingly　revolutionary　piece　of　evidence　had　been　tendered。　All　the　elaborate　defence　had　broken　down　at　one　blow。　He　sat　up　on　the　edge　of　his　bed；　facing　the　new　fact。　〃This　is　monstrous　and　ridiculous；〃　he　said；　〃and　Martineau　judged　me　exactly。　I　am　in　love　with　her。　。　。　。　I　am　head　over　heels　in　love　with　her。　I　have　never　been　so　much　in　love　or　so　truly　in　love　with　anyone　before。〃　Section　11　That　was　the　dawn　of　a　long　day　of　tension　for　Sir　Richmond　and　Miss　Grammont。　Because　each　was　now　vividly　aware　of　being