unconscious comedians-第13章

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addicted　to　vicious　practices；　and　being　unable　to　tell　his　own　fate

from　the　cards；　was　arrested；　tried；　and　condemned　at　the　court　of

assizes。　Madame　Fontaine；　who　predicts　the　future　eight　times　out　of

ten；　was　never　able　to　know　if　she　would　win　or　lose　in　a　lottery。〃



〃It　is　the　same　thing　in　magnetism；〃　remarked　Bixiou。　〃A　man　can't

magnetize　himself。〃



〃Heavens！　now　we　come　to　magnetism！〃　cried　Gazonal。　〃Ah　ca！　do　you

know　everything？〃



〃Friend　Gazonal；〃　replied　Bixiou；　gravely；　〃to　be　able　to　laugh　at

everything　one　must　know　everything。　As　for　me；　I've　been　in　Paris

since　my　childhood；　I've　lived；　by　means　of　my　pencil；　on　its　follies

and　absurdities；　at　the　rate　of　five　caricatures　a　month。

Consequently；　I　often　laugh　at　ideas　in　which　I　have　faith。〃



〃Come；　let　us　get　to　something　else；〃　said　Leon。　〃We'll　go　to　the

Chamber　and　settle　the　cousin's　affair。〃



〃This；〃　said　Bixiou；　imitating　Odry　in　〃Les　Funambules；〃　〃is　high

comedy；　for　we　will　make　the　first　orator　we　meet　pose　for　us；　and　you

shall　see　that　in　those　halls　of　legislation；　as　elsewhere；　the

Parisian　language　has　but　two　tones；Self…interest；　Vanity。〃



As　they　got　into　their　citadine；　Leon　saw　in　a　rapidly　driven

cabriolet　a　man　to　whom　he　made　a　sign　that　he　had　something　to　say　to

him。



〃There's　Publicola　Masson；〃　said　Leon　to　Bixiou。　〃I'm　going　to　ask　for

a　sitting　this　evening　at　five　o'clock；　after　the　Chamber。　The　cousin

shall　then　see　the　most　curious　of　all　the　originals。〃



〃Who　is　he？〃　asked　Gazonal；　while　Leon　went　to　speak　to　Publicola

Masson。



〃An　artist…pedicure；〃　replied　Bixiou；　〃author　of　a　'Treatise　on

Corporistics；'　who　cuts　your　corns　by　subscription；　and　who；　if　the

Republications　triumph　for　six　months；　will　assuredly　become

immortal。〃



〃Drives　his　carriage！〃　ejaculated　Gazonal。



〃But；　my　good　Gazonal；　it　is　only　millionaires　who　have　time　to　go

afoot　in　Paris。〃



〃To　the　Chamber！〃　cried　Leon　to　the　coachman；　getting　back　into　the

carriage。



〃Which；　monsieur？〃



〃Deputies；〃　replied　Leon；　exchanging　a　smile　with　Bixiou。



〃Paris　begins　to　confound　me；〃　said　Gazonal。



〃To　make　you　see　its　immensity；moral；　political；　and　literary；we

are　now　proceeding　like　the　Roman　cicerone；　who　shows　you　in　Saint

Peter's　the　thumb　of　the　statue　you　took　to　be　life…size；　and　the

thumb　proves　to　be　a　foot　long。　You　haven't　yet　measured　so　much　as　a

great　toe　of　Paris。〃



〃And　remark；　cousin　Gazonal；　that　we　take　things　as　they　come；　we

haven't　selected。〃



〃This　evening　you　shall　sup　as　they　feasted　at　Belshazzar's；　and　there

you　shall　see　our　Paris；　our　own　particular　Paris；　playing　lansquenet；

and　risking　a　hundred　thousand　francs　at　a　throw　without　winking。〃



A　quarter　of　an　hour　later　the　citadine　stopped　at　the　foot　of　the

steps　going　up　to　the　Chamber　of　Deputies；　at　that　end　of　the　Pont　de

la　Concorde　which　leads　to　discord。



〃I　thought　the　Chamber　unapproachable？〃　said　the　provincial；　surprised

to　find　himself　in　the　great　lobby。



〃That　depends；〃　replied　Bixiou；　〃materially　speaking；　it　costs　thirty

sous　for　a　citadine　to　approach　it；　politically；　you　have　to　spend

rather　more。　The　swallows　thought；　so　a　poet　says；　that　the　Arc　de

Triomphe　was　erected　for　them；　we　artists　think　that　this　public

building　was　built　for　us；to　compensate　for　the　stupidities　of　the

Theatre…Francais　and　make　us　laugh；　but　the　comedians　on　this　stage

are　much　more　expensive；　and　they　don't　give　us　every　day　the　value　of

our　money。〃



〃So　this　is　the　Chamber！〃　cried　Gazonal；　as　he　paced　the　great　hall　in

which　there　were　then　about　a　dozen　persons；　and　looked　around　him

with　an　air　which　Bixiou　noted　down　in　his　memory　and　reproduced　in

one　of　the　famous　caricatures　with　which　he　rivalled　Gavarni。



Leon　went　to　speak　to　one　of　the　ushers　who　go　and　come　continually

between　this　hall　and　the　hall　of　sessions；　with　which　it　communicates

by　a　passage　in　which　are　stationed　the　stenographers　of　the

〃Moniteur〃　and　persons　attached　to　the　Chamber。



〃As　for　the　minister；〃　replied　the　usher　to　Leon　as　Gazonal　approached

them；　〃he　is　there；　but　I　don't　know　if　Monsieur　Giraud　has　come。　I'll

see。〃



As　the　usher　opened　one　side　of　the　double　door　through　which　none　but

deputies；　ministers；　or　messengers　from　the　king　are　allowed　to　pass；

Gazonal　saw　a　man　come　out　who　seemed　still　young；　although　he　was

really　forty…eight　years　old；　and　to　whom　the　usher　evidently

indicated　Leon　de　Lora。



〃Ha！　you　here！〃　he　exclaimed；　shaking　hands　with　both　Bixiou　and　Lora。

〃Scamps！　what　are　you　doing　in　the　sanctuary　of　the　laws？〃



〃Parbleu！　we've　come　to　learn　how　to　blague；〃　said　Bixiou。　〃We　might

get　rusty　if　we　didn't。〃



〃Let　us　go　into　the　garden；〃　said　the　young　man；　not　observing　that

Gazonal　belonged　to　the　party。



Seeing　that　this　new…comer　was　well…dressed；　in　black；　the　provincial

did　not　know　in　which　political　category　to　place　him；　but　he　followed

the　others　into　the　garden　contiguous　to　the　hall　which　follows　the

line　of　the　quai　Napoleon。　Once　in　the　garden　the　ci…devant　young　man

gave　way　to　a　peal　of　laughter　which　he　seemed　to　have　been　repressing

since　he　entered　the　lobby。



〃What　is　it？〃　asked　Leon　de　Lora。



〃My　dear　friend；　to　prove　the　sincerity　of　the　constitutional

government　we　are　forced　to　tell　the　most　frightful　lies　with

incredible　self…possession。　But　as　for　me；　I'm　freakish；　some　days　I

can　lie　like　a　prospectus；　other　days　I　can't　be　serious。　This　is　one

of　my　hilarious　days。　Now；　at　this　moment；　the　prime　minister；　being

summoned　by　the　Opposition　to　make　known　a　certain　diplomatic　secret；

is　going　through　his　paces　in　the　tribune。　Being　an　honest　man　who

never　lies　on　his　own　account；　he　whispered　to　me　as　he　mounted　the

breach：　'Heaven　knows　what　I　shall　say　to　them。'　A　mad　desire　to　laugh

overcame　me；　and　as　one　mustn't　laugh　on　the　ministerial　bench　I

rushed　out；　for　my　youth　does　come　back　to　me　most　unseasonably　at

times。〃



〃At　last；〃　cried　Gazonal；　〃I've　found　an　honest　man　in　Paris！　You　must

be　a　very　superior　man；〃　he　added；　looking　at　the　stranger。



〃Ah　ca！　who　is　this　gentleman？〃　said　the　ci…devant　young　man；

examining　Gazonal。



〃My　cousin；〃　said　Leon；　hastily。　〃I'll　answer　for　his　silence　and　his

honor　as　for　my　own。　It　is　on　his　account　we　have　come　here　now；　he

has　a　case　before　the　administration　which　depends　on　your　ministry。

His　prefect　evidently　wants　to　ruin　him；　and　we　have　come　to　see　you

in　order　to　prevent　the　Council　of　State　from　ratifying　a　great

injustice。〃



〃Who　brings　up　the　case？〃



〃Massol。〃



〃Good。〃



〃And　our　friends　Giraud　and　Claude　Vignon　are　on　the　committee；〃　said

Bixiou。



〃Say　just　a　word　to　them；〃　urged　Leon；　〃tell　them　to　come　to…night　to

Carabine's；　where　du　Tillet　gives　a　fete　apropos　of　railways；they

are　plundering　more　than　ever　on　the　roads。〃



〃Ah　ca！　but　isn't　your　cousin　from　the　Pyrenees？〃　asked　the　young　man；

now　become　serious。



〃Yes；〃　replied　Gazonal。



〃And　you　did　not　vote　for　us　in　the　last　elections？〃　said　the

statesman；　looking　hard　at　Gazonal。



〃No；　but　what　you　have　just　said　in　my　hearing　has　bribed　me；　on　the

word　of　a　commandant　of　the　National　Guard　I'll　have　your　candidate

elected〃



〃Very　good；　will　you　guarantee　your　cousin？〃　asked　the　young　man；

turning　to　Leon。



〃We　are　forming　him；〃　said　Bixiou；　in　a　tone　irresistibly　comic。



〃Well；　I'll　see　about　it；〃　said　the　young　man；　leaving　his　friends　and

rushing　precipitately　back　to　the　Chamber。



〃Who　is　that？〃　asked　Gazonal。



〃The　Comte　de　Rastignac；　the　minister　of　the　department　in　which　your

affair　is　brought　up。〃



〃A　minister！　Isn't　a　minister　anything　more　than　that？〃



〃He　is　an　old　friend　of　ours。　He　now　has　three　hundred　thousand　francs

a　year；　he's　a　peer　of　France；　the　king　has　made　him　a　count；　he

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